19 trying to conceive

[sammy0820]

Hey everyone,

Well me and my partner have been together for 3 years now and she is eager to have a child.
We plan to marry in the next few months I have a great job working for the state, and Im going back to school soon. I really love her and I'm ready to settle down and have a baby. We moved out of state together about 6 months ago so that we could have a fresh start at life. So far we have agreed on home insemination, She's going to carry the baby. I am one of the few fortunate people to have a very accepting family who "WANTS GRAND KIDS" lol. Im looking for some advise on how we should go about things and some guidance from lesbian couples who have children.

i know I am only 19 but I am sure this is what we want

[2moms3kids]

Sounds like you have good plan and know what you want with your life. May I suggest waiting until you are out of school to have a baby though. I had my first at 23, a few months after graduating college and I really can't imagine having to get my degree with a baby.While it obviously can be done, it is much easier to wait a few years and enjoy married life and school.  You are only 19 and have plenty of time to have babies once you are out of school, married, moved and settled down.  Just a suggestion from someone who has BTDT and is about to have her 3rd child. Good luck!

Sarah

[LibraryLady]

I completely support the above statement that you should wait until you're out of school. School's hard, having/raising a kid is hard, and if you can keep the two separate it'll be better for the both of you in many ways. Also, what are your sources of income? Do you have any savings?  Our kiddo's been expensive and she's not even here yet. Don't let family pressure for grandkids influence your decision, do what's best for you both and the kid/s. 

[sammy0820]

Thanks guys for you input on the matter. I plan to go back to school in the near future, My partner and I have great jobs. I currently work for the state as a correctional officer. I love my job and plan to say in this line of work for a while. I understand where you guys are coming from with the waiting, and finishing school. SCHOOL ALONE is a responsibility and is expensive in it self. The way i see it why put my self back into debt trying to get a degree that won't even guarantee me a job. I just paid off my 1st years loan in full 5,000 for one year and my partner is wrapping up her loan from school. I think I would be a great parent I practically raised my niece n nephew. I really will take into consideration what you guys suggested but i don't think I'll be a struggling parent.

[DesertSunsets]

Sammy- I have a lot of respect for your willingness to fight for what you believe in and what your goals are.  It sounds like you and your partner have definitely decided you want to have children now and what you're really looking for is support and a community. 

I think you should go over to the Queer Conceptions thread, a new one is started each month and it's where all the trying to conceive mamas gather together to help and support one another. 

There are plenty of women who struggle to conceive later in life and say, "Oh, if only I'd started this when I was younger!"  And there are a lot of women who may try to put you off conceiving while only 19, because you're too young.  I say you're already better off than any other 19 year old parents; since this will be a planned pregnancy and the baby is actually wanted.  No time is the PERFECT time to have a baby and if it's what you want more than anything right now, follow your heart. 

Read through old threads, educate yourselves on your options, and go for it.  This really is a good group of women, who I'm sure will do their best to support you and your DP through your journey to parenthood.

Good luck!

-Sunset

[sammy0820]

Thank you so much for the support DesertSunsets I am glad to see someone can actually see where I am coming from. I love my partner and I know we will be excellent parents. Although I am 19 (will be 20 in april)
I feel as though I am at a place where I need to be. We now live in Florida our families are in NY . We both are extremely mature for our age. We both will be stable providers for our child. So what's the problem? Why should I have to wait until later on in my life? We have accomplished what many people older then us have yet to do. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement.

[habitat]

Sammy, 

I am also new to the "Queer Parenting" board but I want to offer you my whole-hearted support and well wishes. You sound like you are a capable adult and you are making a wonderful, educated choice! Congratulations on beginning your journey! I am also degree-less with loans to pay (I left school early... ie "dropped out"). Leaving school was a really good decision for me, and I am proud of myself for making it in the face of all the societal pressure and advice of (usually very well-meaning) friends and family. I now have a job that I absolutely adore which pays more than enough and am also starting a home-based business. I will be TTC in September, and I couldn't be more sure. The only thing I regret is not being more exposed to good alternatives to college when I was eighteen. I'm also confident that I could have done it at 19, if I wasn't so set on being miserable in school to make my family happy.

I know some amazing young mamas who never finished school, and their biggest problem was the prejudice/cultural bias against them by total strangers. People will say the darndest things to you, but you probably already know that. My best advice is to just be confident enough to live your life on your terms.

Anyways, much support and respect. Rock On, Future Mama!

In Love and Solidarity,

Stephanie

Edited by habitat - 3/1/11 at 11:54am

[sammy0820]

Hey Steph,

Thanks for the encouraging words of support. I wish you the absolute best on your road to becoming a mom. Not many people in this thread have agreed with my decision which is understandable, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. My child will be brought up in a great home with two loving parents. Just because I'm not at the age in which people feel is "appropriate" does not change neither my or my partner's decision. Its funny because there are so many young adults (younger then myself) who bring children into the world without a plan, without a steady income, and without the knowledge it takes to effectively raise a child. I know there are obstacles I will have to face being a first time parent, and also being parents of a same sex partnership. I am very aware of the emotional struggles that lie ahead, these struggles come with being a parent regardless of being heterosexual,homosexual or a single parent. Though each lifestyle comes with different paths I believe a loved filled home is what every child needs. I can provide that now so why wait till I'm 25, 26,

once again thank you to all those who have showed support to me and my partner

If possible I would love to keep touch through email to share support and also gain advice.

Sammy

[habitat]

Sammy, I sent you a Private Message (PM). Talk to you soon, I hope! 

[justrose13]

sammy, i just want to add to the support... it's your life, your choice! i also wanted to add that you may consider joining over the Queer TTC group anyway seeing as the two ppl that showed concern about your age aren't actually TTC, they are in the Queer and Pregnant forum. i would hate for you to loose out on the support that is available here because of two individuals and their personal opinions (which i'm sure they never intended to be insulting). i wish you the best of luck in your journey!

ps. if you aren't comfortable here because of the comments made, i urge you to find another queer conceptions forum the support you can receive is priceless! i know there is one over at babycenter.com and sheknows.com

[maybeababy]

Hey Sammy, I'm new here, too. But I'm 39 :)

So. My parents planned me and I was born when they were 18 and 20. They were very young, but fantastic parents. My mother didn't go on to get her Bachelor's, but my father did. And they are happily married and now taking care of foster kids since they were empty-nesters so early in life. I am really happy to have young parents and grandparents, and that's one thing that's a downer about having waited this late to start a baby for myself.

Being young will certainly have its challenges, but you seem to have a plan in place and it's your decision.

much luck!

[Glados]

You know, I used to be one of those women who seriously looked down on women who had kids so young. I felt like it was setting them up to fail in other parts of their lives because it kept them from school, and therefore have no career which always seemed very important to me.

My mom had me when she was 31, and she is a great mother and has raised me to be very responsible and be cautious when other people my age weren't. To me having kids in your 30s was the norm because its what I knew. Career first, family second. But my mom and I never had a close relationship, she was always over protective and always put a lot of pressure on me to do well in school and have a career. Yea thats typical parent stuff but I think it might play a bigger role with older parents than it does with younger ones. 

Now that I've met my partner who had children at 22, quite by accident and unplanned, my views have changed. Yea she has no career, no degree, and the dad to the kids can be more of an annoyance than any real help, but the kids are great and she is such an amazing mom. She has the most amazing relationship with them that is so very different from everything I know about my own relationship with my mom. 

My cousin had kids at 19 as well, but she still managed to go back to school to earn a degree in business. Now in her mid 30s she has teenage kids, and a very good career. So young mom doesn't always = no career although it IS very difficult to go back to school. She only managed to do it because she had her son at 19 and didn't have to work because her husband made enough to support them, but after a year she was so bored that she went back to school to just pass the time. It came in very handy since she has a good job now and is getting a divorce, had she not gone back to school who would take care of her now?

Anyway, no one knows how life is gonna turn out. I'm 27 and I feel like I'm getting old already to have a baby, even though 2 years ago I thought 30 was a good age, but now I see my mom is almost 60 and still isn't a grand parent. I've learned the hard way that sometimes you really do gotta put your career on hold and focus on family. You can always go back to the career later like my cousin, or realize you don't really need or want one, like my partner did. 

[starling&diesel]

Welcome to Mothering, Sammy! 

If I could've, I would've have my first child when I was your age (or younger!) and while my life has taken a different route, I do mourn the young mama I would've been.  There are challenges to being a young mama, and there are challenges to being an older mama.  There are challenges and rewards, period.  Do what fills your heart! 

[starling&diesel]

Oh, and the only advice I have for a non-gestational parent is to have all your legal ducks lined up nicely should you and your partner divorce at some point in the future!  Make sure that you both have legal rights as parents.  In Canada, that's already a given if you're married, but I know that many queer folks struggle with this in the US. 

[happysmileylady]

Hope you don't mind me posting here, despite having a husband.  I think a parent is a parent regardless of the gender of the parent's partner.

I got pregnant at 17, had my dd at 18, as a single mom.  Graduated high school immediately after (graduated in 7 semesters, dd was born at the very end of the 7th semester.) and then went directly on to college.  I went to college full time, worked part time, as a single parent and lived with my parents, but paid rent, partial utilites and groceries. 

I got married at the age of 25, began to ttc right away, it took 6 years and an IVF to have dd2, she's 2, and just 5 months ago, I had dd3 (on our own, no IVF, yay!)  My DH is currently in school.  He also just happens to have been a correctional officer too :-)

I say all this to let you know that I have experience, almost like double, for what you are considering, even down to ART (though we never did a home insemination.)

Raising babies/small children while is school is HARD.  It's HARD.  It's hard when you are partnered or when single.  Having to use ART to get pregnant brings it's own special challenges and emotional struggles.  And, I have to ask, if you are not quite 20, have you only been a CO for 2 years then?  I have to tell you, the longer you do it, the more stressful it is.  My DH did it for 10.  He has scars from a shank in the arm.  He has seen inmates die in front of him.  He has had to go on manhunts for escaped inmates. 

Having said all that, I am here to encourage you.  I only say the above as a sort of reality check.  This stuff is NOT the easy route. 

But I wouldn't have had it any other way, and I really wish I had had my kids younger, wish I had been able to.  I found pregnancy to be much easier on my body as a young mom.  I am finding I am more "obcessed" over every detail as a 30 year old parent, whereas I wasn't as a younger parent, I was much more instinct and less researched based.  Not that research is a bad thing, but there's something to be said for instinct.  Going to school as a parent teaches you a great many things, it's hard but great for personal growth.  And, if you love being a CO, then that's great, because I feel it's a job that it's VITAL to enjoy that kind of job if you are going to be doing it long term.  And while ART can be an emotional struggle, it's so totally worth it.

[seraf]

Hey there,

Just to share my own beginning, I got pregnant at 21.  I was a nanny for two families with 37 year old moms.  I decided that I would rather be young, poor and fun than tired-all-the-time.  I'm not saying that's how everyone is, but that was how it looked from my 21 year old perspective.  Now that I'm TTC at 30 I think there are pros and cons to all the different timings.  You didn't mention how old your partner is?

Anyway.  I definately had different ideas then and now about how much life costs.  That said, I make about what a CO around here makes now, which I think is decent.  The first time I got pregnant, I made less than I now pay for sperm (oh oh!  If you're rolling in dough, you might think about buying sperm now whether you decide to use it or not.  Inflation is not cutting us any slack!).

I haven't kept up with news, but when I was younger Florida was pretty queer parent unfriendly.  Can't say that Ohio is much better, but I have a prejudice against Florida because last I heard they were the only state with laws preventing queers from adopting.  Something to keep in mind in case you split.  Not that I think you're likely to split, but, well, that's part of life for many many people (do you know the song, "If love was a plane"  by Brad Paisley?  Or any country song, for that matter?)

I personally think you're going to get grief no matter what.  Too young, too old, work too much, don't work enough. too queer, too unstable, too many cats, too many kids, haven't been together long enough, haven't been married long enough, don't own a house, too much debt, too unconventional, undereducated.  We all hear about it.  When I was younger hipmama discussion forums were a pretty happening place for younger mothers. 

Regarding going back to school, I agree that it would be easier to do before children, but having a young kid to support was my motivation for going back to school.

Hmm, I seem to be rambling... I was thinking the other day about all the women I know who had kids before they were 21.  There is a pattern I've seen where they were so responsible when they were young, they have a whole lot of pent up energy in their 30s and do a lot of "making up for lost time."

It's your decision, or your partner's, however you want to look at it.  If you decide to parent younger than some people see fit, just practice smiling and nodding.