Realistically, how much help will I need during the newbie stage?

[babygrey]

So, I'm a newly single mama of DS, 10yo, DD, 22mos and I'm at nearly 33 weeks with my twins. Luckily, I've got a really supportive network of family and friends. People are starting to ask how they can help after the babies come, and I'm not sure what to say- looking for advice from other BTDT mamas- I know I need "as much help as I can get", but, realistically, what does that look like? (IME, easier to get the help asking for specific things)

The concrete things, I'm pretty good at asking for- rides for DS to school and activities, laundry, food, cleaning... what I'm wondering about is how much to ask people to physically be at my house after the babes are born. 

Do you think I can survive with a few hours of help a day? How much more? Do I need someone to commit to nightime help? I know a bit depends on how I deliver, and my intent is vaginally and I have a supportive OB, however, maybe those of you who had c/section births could chime in as well?

Thanks, mamas. 

[Red Pajama]

As for how much help you'll need, if you've got a ready network of family and friends I'd start scheduling that now. Plan for who comes when now.  You'll need a plan (backup as well?) for the birth and after, as well as  help when the babies are small. I needed 2 adults at home for awhile, because I wasn't up for much myself. If your network is helpful, it will reduce your stress level. If you have help that can stay overnight, you will get much needed help at night, too.

My

mom lived with us for about 3 weeks after my twins were born. Help like that is a godsend.  Do what you can to get what you'll need.

[Shuli]

I had a c-section and for the most part it was ok. I love the fact that people will come to your house to do laundry, cook for you and make sure that your house is clean. I didn't have that much support and I was alone for most of the day. There were no such thing as visitors and anyone who walked in got to hold/feed a baby while I took a shower, peed, put on a load of laundry, etc. At one point DH needed underware and knew that if he didn't do laundry he would be going commando :-) Food was the one and important thing that I desperately needed - while my mom stayed with us for the first three weeks it was great because every few hours someone would put a plate of food in front of me. After that the community fed me for about another week and then I was on my own. I could have used another two weeks or so. I didn't have any older kids, so I can't speak to that. Hope that helps.

[Fuschia]

I think managing your toddler and older child alongside the twins, and establishing bf, will be the difficult things. If you can arrange the school runs, and have someone onhand as much as possible to toddler wrangle, bring you food and drinks, that will be a huge help.

My DP had two weeks leave, a week of short days to do the school run, then another week's leave, when our twins were born. I think you need 4-5 weeks of substantal help

[Spring Lily]

I had a c-section (no labor) and it was actually an easier recovery for me than my vaginal delivery was, so I think that part of it is hard to predict. I think when they're born has more to do with it than how they're born.

If you can have any family stay with you overnight in the beginning, that will really help. If they do one bottle feeding at night, that will give you some much needed sleep, which for me was crucial in getting my milk supply where it needed to be. I'd also set up a calendar and have everyone who can sign up to bring you meals. And freeze as many as you can beforehand, even if it means getting a 2nd freezer or storing some at a kind relative's house! I'd also schedule people coming over regularly to help you with housecleaning, laundry, and to watch the babies so you can shower.

My DH stayed home for about a month, and I was barely able to function on my own for that whole time. It was still really hard when he went back to work, but I couldn't have done it without, as a PP said, substantial help the first 4-5 weeks.

[ladydodson]

well since you dont know how your twins will sleep at first, its hard to predict night time needs...how long will you be in the hospital for each delivery scenario? do you need child care while you are recovering in hospital?

with me, i need more help w/ my older children than i do w/ the newbs...the longer i can stay in bed and sleep/nap/nurse, the better...so arrange for that kind of thing. your 10yo can help hold babies while you get a shower, etc...but it might be nice to have someoen come pick up the older kids and take them some place to play and get their energy out while you rest w/ the babies...i know my best days post partum have been when im alone w/ the twins and dont feel the pressure of having to be *there* for my two toddlers...my teenager is content to sit in bed with me and trade babies. :)

[Llyra]

The things I needed the most were care and entertainment for my toddler, and somebody to hold fussy babies when I couldn't.

For example, we had lots of challenges with tandem nursing. So if both babies wanted to nurse, and they refused to nurse together, it would have been really nice to have an extra set of hands to hold the one baby and soothe, while I tended to the other. (Same with changing one, getting one to sleep, or whatever other scenario where one baby might have to wait.)

We had a good friend who used to come over in the morning for half an hour. She'd sit on the couch and hold both of them, and read to my toddler, so that I could take a shower and sit and eat something without a baby on me. She also used to come in the evenings sometimes, and take DS (who had awful colic) outside for a walk. He would settle down out in the fresh air, with steady walking, and DH and DD1 and I could eat our dinner without the constant wailing of a cranky, overstimulated baby. (DD2 used to just sit quietly in her swing and gurgle. Funny how each kid is different...)

If I was doing it now, I would ask for grocery shopping, housecleaning and laundry, entertainment for the other children, help with school transportation if you need that, and a buddy to come hold a baby for a few hours each day until they outgrow the fussy age.

I recovered quickly from my c-sections, and the twins mostly slept when they weren't nursing, for the first two weeks. That was the time when everybody wanted to help, and I needed very little. It was from about three weeks old, to four months old, when the need for help really kicked in. I really needed help that wouldn't peter out after a few weeks.

[Smurfette2]

I delivered my di/di girls at 36w and I walked around for about a week dialated

at 5-6-7. When Baby A hit -2 station, my doc told me labor would be hard and fast.

He wasn't lying! I went into labor around 1030pm, had both of them by 2 am! I wish

they would've stayed in longer but... it wasn't up to me.

While I was pregnant I had people volunteering and promising their assistance. We

brought our girls home after 3 days in NICU. Baby A wasn't feeding and had to have

a tube. They were both just under 6lbs a piece and breathing and crying just fine with

no assistance. Since they were in NICU, none of my friends were able to see the

babies so I think that was a bit of a turn off. The day we brought them home there were

a ton of people at our house but they were all gone within hours. I re-hired my house-

keeper to help us out and we were pretty much on our own. The first night home we

got ZERO sleep. We also have a 15 y/o but we don't ask her to pitch in at night.

So yeah - I had tons of people saying they'd help but no one did. LOL. It's okay. My

husband and I worked out a game plan. Everyday that plan varies (lol) but we're

hanging in there. My MIL did stock us up with 6 mos of homemade Italian dishes.

And my mom stocked up our pantry. I got a ton of food gift cards at my baby shower

(best GIFT to give an expecting mom btw) which helps with my teen. I've been back

to work since the girls were 2 days old - I work from home - and I'm finding that it's

hard to get any work done when I'm constantly nursing and pumping. I put an ad on

Craiglist, I need an assistant ASAP.

Last night our friends came over and BBQ'd in our backyard. Haha, I love how they

volunteered our house. But my gf also gave me a hot oil treatment and helped me

decorate Sophia and Grace's room. :) While we decorated, our husbands tended

to the ribs and the twins. It was good to laugh and hang out with my friends again

because caring for newborns is very isolating.

My advice: Take whatever help comes your way. :)

[~Adorkable~]

this is a good thread, glad it got bumped back up i bet a lot of ladies can gleen good advice from it

i second setting up help to start when they are about a month old, since the first weeks really do seen easier than the next ones. i had my mom forhte first 7 weeks, and she really got working on those last few. the best thing she did was let me go to bed about 2 hours ahead of the babies, and bring them in fed from my pumped milk.

the next best thing she did was daily laundry and making me drink water, a huge deal

i just had just moved across the country from the rest of the folks i know so she was my only help. my local multiples club brought a few dinners which were wonderful and i could really used more of that and someone to go shopping for me, my DH ran himself ragged the first 2 months working then shopping for food and all the random baby gear that we hadnt known we needed or had not gotten in time (born 36 weeks a bit of a shocker)

[Strong Mama]

 I have heart failure, so probably need a little more help than normal but my mother in law keeps the twins for me(she lives next door) mon, tues, thurs, and fri from 9am til about 3 or 4 . I run errands on those days, go to dr appointments or if I dont have anything to do, I sleep all that time. My hubby doesnt get off til 8pm or later so I really need the help. He is off on weds and sundays. On Saturdays, my dads gf comes over about 9am and sits with them for a few hours while I run errands, or sleep or just clean. I do not clean while my mother in law has them, i always sleep or run errands only. I clean in the afternoons while the twins are sleeping in spurts. I am worn out just by having them from 3-8 on my own. My hubby gets up in the niight with them most nights. I usually go to bed about 11 and get up at about 7. One twin goes to bed at 9 and gets up at 6(with an 11pm dreamfeed) and the other twin goes down at 11 and gets up at 2am and then 6. So they sleep pretty good for 7 week olds. The worst part to me about twins is the fact that they are fussy nonstop. This is a fussy period and so someone always needs to be held/rocked. I do prop them for feeds cos they feed at the same time and its impossible to do on your own(i bottle feed though). I would get help holding babies/feeding babies if you are bottlefeeding, and definitely someone to run errands for you or sit with them while you run errands. Going out with newborn twins alone is NOT ideal. I did it and it was pretty rough.

[whippoorwill]

I needed more help with out older child (3 yo) than the babies at first. Some good ideas I have heard of in the past are to buy gift cards to a nearby grocery in small amounts so that you can send help out to pick up the little things you need, milk, bread, detergent...whatever your household has run out of that would have been no big deal to run and get previously, schedule time for people to come hold/play with kiddos so the little things like a shower can get done, have overnight help on standby in case you need them ASAP.  Our first night home we went back to the hospital and luckily my SIL was able to come quickly.  Someone to help with well baby appts (if you do those) the first few times is nice.  For me the biggest thing was realizing I couldn't parent 2 newborns the way I did one.  Feeding twins can be all time consuming when they are itty bitty, so I had to let the 3 yo have more than usual TV time/movie time.  Good luck to you!