How are you fulfilled?

[VisionaryMom]

I'm unhappy. Incredibly unhappy. I've been that way for a long time now - several years. I feel trapped in my life, and I know it's because I'm not fulfilled with anything I have going on. How do you find what makes you tick - or what sustains you until you can get to a better place?

[HollyBearsMom]

If you find out, let me know.  

[HollyBearsMom]

Wouldn't let me edit above??? weird

Right now I am just trying to "fake it till I make it".  

I am going to the gym each day, trying to cook more (I really enjoy cooking).  I joined the pantry and home cooking challenges.

And even though it is like stabbing myself in the eye with a hot poker I am trying to organize the closets and declutter the house. I am hoping that an organized clutter free home will lead to a better mental state.

Wish I had better advice....

[VisionaryMom]

Ha! You're doing many of the same things I am! Right now I'm considering going to get the supplies to clean out our basement den (which has become a dumping ground for everything in our home) and then painting it and putting down new flooring. This is part of a slooow remodeling plan, but it's got to make me feel better, right?

[HollyBearsMom]

It WILL make you feel better.  You will get a sense of accomplishment and have a new/refreshed space in your house.  Maybe you can make a mom-cave for yourself!

[CatsCradle]

Originally Posted by VisionaryMom 

Ha! You're doing many of the same things I am! Right now I'm considering going to get the supplies to clean out our basement den (which has become a dumping ground for everything in our home) and then painting it and putting down new flooring. This is part of a slooow remodeling plan, but it's got to make me feel better, right?

I find that doing certain tasks and projects like this give me a sense of purpose. However, it is not earth shattering stuff by any means.  I'm not implying that you are suffering from depression, VisionaryMom, but part of my unhappiness at various times of my life (whether depression-related or not) was eased in part by setting small goals and staying busy.  I don't mean busy as in doing the dishes or going to work or running around town or packing lunches...I mean the type of busy which entails setting certain goals and then working toward their fruition.  Sounds stupid, but I do tinker about our home a lot on various things, and when I've accomplished such projects, I take a sense of pride in them.  I mean, it is not my life goal or anything, but these small things do provide me with motivation and purpose. 

Maybe all this sounds very hollow to someone who is feeling completely unfillfulled.  But for me it boils down to two things:  1) long term goals, and 2) short-term goals.  Some people have only short-term goals and others have only long-term goals.  Some people work on both.  I think perhaps the best thing that I do for myself is I try to see where I want to be in both the short and distant future.  I think you first have a desire to do something, then be motivated, and then you set about doing it.  Also, if I'm miserable in my present state, I need to evaluate why and set about changing it.  I took a big leap in my thirties and actually made a huge professional change.  Wow, was that hard, now that I look back on it.  But I was terribly unhappy then.  I felt so drone-like.  Making that change was part of a long-term goal.  However, even though I'm in a better place now, I still need to do miscellaneous projects to keep me interested in living.  Sad, but maybe it's the human condition.  Maybe not.

[flightgoddess]

If its your job bothering you, then consider changing it. (i know, bad job market....but it couldn't hurt to try) If it is your lifestyle, examine it. Find what works for you, and reconsider what doesn't. And take it one step at a time to make changes, small steps. It take time and repetition to make new habits. Is it your relationship: Consider counseling...

If you fid you can;t change other aspects of your life yet, the find one thing you can do for you, and keep it. Join a team/league to play with if you like sports (my hubby is a member of a softball team every summer), make a committment to voluteer for an organization that fulfils you. (I volunteer once a month for a charity that makes things for poor moms and babies. I like to sew. Some times I sew more at home in my own time too) Someday, when the kids are older and we're not working opposite shifts, I want to join the chuch choir. Just to give you ideas.

[doubledutch]

do you have a clear picture of what you want life to be and how you are getting there?  i'm not totally sure from your posts where the discord is between your heart and reality, but if it's work-related, is it possible to volunteer in your desired field if not work there?  or what parts exactly feel stuck?

[VisionaryMom]

I'm not happy with anything in my life, really. I suppose it's that when I imagined my life, it wasn't this moment. It wasn't where I am now. I know that I can't have the life I thought I'd have and that I need to create a new reality. I'm just not sure how to do that.

In college, I thought I'd go to law school and work in a high-pressure environment. *IF* I had a spouse, s/he would have the same kind of job - no kids, long hours, etc. DH fit that on the no kids front, but he never wanted to work 80 hours a week routinely, though he does have to do that on occasion. 
 

Then I really fell in love with academic life and decided to go to graduate school in history. I went into a master's degree program with the intent to move into a PhD program later. In the end, though, I decided to work as a reporter. I did that for a bit and then started freelancing.

DH & I got married & decided to have kids. DS was born in January 2005. We moved so that DH could take a job making more money. I never felt comfortable with putting DC into daycare, which is not something I ever anticipated feeling. So I've been working from home with them underfoot for 6 1/2 years now. I do copywriting, mostly for websites. It's tedious and uninspiring work. It's boring. I have to force myself to work.

At the end of October 2010, I put DD in daycare. (DS is in kindergarten.) I rented an office and also decided to go back to school to get a degree in accounting. I'm taking 12 hours this semester. At the end of January, DD had a hand print on her arm from her daycare teacher grabbing her, so we pulled her out, of course. I can't find anywhere else to put her, so I'm paying for an office that I'm not using. I back to trying to do writing early mornings or late nights. It's hard to force yourself to get up to do something that you just freakin' hate.

What's likely to happen now is that DD will be with me until August, and DS will be home all day during the summer. I am so not cut out to be at home with the kids everyday. I'm just not. Housework is drudgery to me, and it feels like I'm wasting my life & time. I know that's not a polite way to feel, and we're supposed to all think everything is equal in value. It's not to me. I know this sounds awful, but I have an incredibly high IQ. I went to college at 16. I have 3 degrees. Yet, I'm 30 years old, and my biggest task everyday is making sure I write more articles that tell people how to trim their hedges (and it's sure as hell not because I have any expertise in hedge-trimming) and that I sweep the floor. It feels like I'm dying a little everyday, but I see no way out.

I know I'm in a thick fog of depression & pity right now, but I don't know how other people seem to find happiness and fulfillment in their lives. There are things I'd like to do, but it seems they're always there - just beyond the horizon. My life has been in this holding pattern of "as soon as X happens, then I can Y..." for 7 years now. When I'm doing my homework for accounting classes, it's such an awesome experience for me. Tabulating income statements & trial balances & cash flow statements feels joyful, but I can't do that all the time right now. I don't have the knowledge to work in the field, so I'm just biding my time...as usual.

The place where we live is like an intellectual desert. 

[Kuba'sMama]

OMG, there are so many similarities in our life, it is downright scary- I too am 30, have 3 kids, and do mindless copyright work (not hedge trimming, mine was bridal boutiques and dance studios- I care not for either, lol). I'm not sure if I have a very high IQ though, I like to think I'm smart anyway .

I feel like you do sometimes as well, although I generally push those thoughts away. I do keep house clean and keep up with everything because I know I would be more depressed if I didn't, kwim? However, it doesn't seem as I'm as "low" as you and I do generally enjoy being home with the kids, it's the mundane, groundhog-day feeling I get that gets me down. That and the panic of "who will hire me anyway? I've been a housewife for almost 8 years!

In your situation, I'd probably look for another daycare and go outside of home to work (or the office you mentioned you had). Just because you had a horrible experience at one daycare, doesn't mean they're all bad, right? Don't give up and don't feel you "have to" do something (be at home with your kids, etc). It's important to be a happy, fulfilled mom for your kids.

I'm off to go take my own advice now, lol.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by Kuba'sMama 

OMG, there are so many similarities in our life, it is downright scary- I too am 30, have 3 kids, and do mindless copyright work (not hedge trimming, mine was bridal boutiques and dance studios- I care not for either, lol). I'm not sure if I have a very high IQ though, I like to think I'm smart anyway .

I feel like you do sometimes as well, although I generally push those thoughts away. I do keep house clean and keep up with everything because I know I would be more depressed if I didn't, kwim? However, it doesn't seem as I'm as "low" as you and I do generally enjoy being home with the kids, it's the mundane, groundhog-day feeling I get that gets me down. That and the panic of "who will hire me anyway? I've been a housewife for almost 8 years!

In your situation, I'd probably look for another daycare and go outside of home to work (or the office you mentioned you had). Just because you had a horrible experience at one daycare, doesn't mean they're all bad, right? Don't give up and don't feel you "have to" do something (be at home with your kids, etc). It's important to be a happy, fulfilled mom for your kids.

I'm off to go take my own advice now, lol.

Unfortunately there aren't any places with openings for DD right now, so she's stuck with me until the fall! I don't know how I'd feel sending her back anyway because this place was supposed to be "the best place in town." To their credit, they did address the problem, but I'm just not sending my child back to that environment. It's a moot point, though, and every place I've called has a long waiting list for her age.

There are things I enjoy about being with DD and things that make me nuts. She never stops talking, for instance. I'm an introvert, and my head is spinning at the end of the day. DS is much more like me, and we can go a while without talking to each other unless there's something meaningful to say. For example, DD is now holding a bottle in front of her and running around yelling, "I'm a baby rhinoceros!" 16+ hours of that a day gets to me... 

To be fair, too, I was in a bad, bad place yesterday when I wrote the original post. DS has had 2 rough strep throat rounds. DD was at the hospital last weekend, and then we had to go to get a penicillin shot and monitor her closely to see if she needed to be admitted to the hospital for a couple of days. So it's just been a rough couple of weeks...

On a good note, I updated our financial spreadsheet with income projections for me, which made me happy! I paid off a loan 6 months early today. Those things - I hope - can sustain me. I've also decided to give website flipping a shot. I've sold a few sites but never by design. The prospect is exciting for me! Plus, DH wants us to spearhead a campaign to return gifted ed to our children's school, which will be both fun & challenging. And we're apparently starting up a math club for the school next year. Hopefully it will restore some of the faith in humanity I've apparently lost in recent years.

[Susie1]

Dear, dear Visionary -- you are in a temporary spot, so take some solace in that. You children are young and it sounds as if you are doing what you have to do to give them the best that you can. It is not unusual that you would feel trapped. For the moment, you are. But children do not stay dependent on you forever. I speak coming from the other side. I was there with two boys, doing it by myself -- no DH to help. Boy, did I feel trapped. Now that mine are in college, I feel a freedom I never could have imagined when I was where you were right now. However, I did similar things as you -- worked on advancing my degrees -- set small, acheivable goals and did what was right in the moment. It wasn't easy. At times I was very frustrated, somewhat down and at times just plain selfish. But, it passed. It sounds cliche, but just just enjoy your little ones as much as you can while they grow. Once they are more independent, time just starts to fly and you miss those days when you felt trapped! Not the trapped feeling, of course, but the kids when they were little. You are NOT wasting your life. This is just one of those less enjoyable periods in your process. Hope this helps a bit. Hang in there.

[widemouthedfrog]

I feel fulfilled because I embark on projects and make them become reality, and that is wonderful and beautiful to me. It can be any project, and it doesn't need to involve my local community, although I have to say that 2 things that inspire me right now are the fact that an organization I am involved in is helping create an urban farm (the first local one) and that I am creating a forest kindergarten. Both are receiving huge support and it is wonderful. But even crafting or writing an article (solo activities) help me feel fulfilled.

I find that as an introvert I need to dedicate times when I am removed from everyday life and can think a little. This might be 30 minutes in the morning when you visualize what your ideal life would feel like (not necessarily the things it has in it, but the feelings you would get from that life, then moving towards the things that would help you feel that way). This might be a vacation - I took one with my daughter in tow and even though I was busy parenting, the fact that I was away from the rest of my life felt good. This might be dropping a bunch of activities and creating some quiet space. That's how I figure how what I want to do to grow.