trust and responsibility?

[labortrials]

This may be opening a big can of worms; I have no idea how this convo might evolve.  I'm just a "thinker," which is both good and bad.  LoL!

Anyway, my big question, especially for your awesome UCers, is . . .

Very generally speaking (of course there are always exceptions for everything), is the difference between UC and birthing with the aid of some sort of care provider something to do with trust & responsibility?  When you UC, you have to take full responsibility for the outcome(s), right?  When you birth with someone else, you're placing that responsibility (to a lesser or higher degree) in someone else's hands.  And how did you know you could prepare for this type of birth?

Perhaps this is a very simplistic way to look at it.  I'm just trying to sort out my own feelings on homebirth . . . heck on birth, in general.  I'm having a very hard time trusting myself and my body, yet I'm afraid to give control to someone else.  I feel like I've been socialized to accept the medicalized approach and that my own sense of Truth and intuition aren't terribly valuable.  For DH it's even worse.

Well, this is getting rambly.  I look forward to reading your responses.  Feel free to ask me follow-up questions if you have them.

[Tumble Bumbles]

I think I know what you're asking, so I'll just go ahead and ramble too.

For me, in choosing a UC, I had to really make peace with the fact that if something 'happened', I would have no one to blame. That doesn't mean that I would  necessarily rest the entire blame on myself, but I would have no one else to direct any hurt/anger/blame/rage/confusion/responsibility on in order to lift some of the inevitable devastation I would feel. At the same time, knowing that the responsibility of educating myself was solely in my own hands (and to an extent, my husband's) -- it definitely pushed me to become so much more educated than I think I would have ever been on pregnancy and birth, and especially all the variations of normal (and not normal) that can go on at a birth. Reading up on statistics, outcomes, personal stories and clinical studies from many different sources didn't scare me but rather showed me that birth, in most cases, is a very natural, normal event. Additionally, having had one home birth and seeing that my midwife was not much more than a licensed witness (no offense to midwives but this was very much her role and a role I believe midwives should play ideally), it led me to really consider just how capable my body was of doing this job that it was made for.

I also feel too, that knowing it's just me and dh -- I am likely to be probably more conservative than a midwife would be in examining exactly how labor is going, trusting my instincts and intuition as well as physical signs and progress and may be more likely to get the care I may need (should I need it) if a situation arose. This may be a negative thing if the situation I sought medical attention for turned out to be a variation of normal and wasn't needed, however, it could be a very valuable thing knowing that no one else is going to make that judgment for me, or advise me, or sway my choice, that I have to make the best decision for me and my baby.

Also, I have a very deep faith. I realize not everyone feels the same way and not everyone agrees but it is the driving force in my life. I believe in God's sovereignty. I believe God is good, His word never fails, and His design is perfect. I believe going into this I am making the best decision for myself and my unborn child based on all factors involved -- my extremely low risk, prior home birth,  prayer and meditation on it, etc... and I believe God will see us through. If for whatever reason this baby is not meant to survive, knowing I will do everything in my power to bring this baby in the world in a healthy way, then God's will be done -- and I won't second guess myself about whether it was my 'fault'. God doesn't work that way. I'm not going to be "punished" because I wasn't in a hospital. Obviously, I would be devastated and would mourn, but I would still trust in God's purpose. Again, ymmv, but this is how I feel.

What it boils down to for me given that rambling, is that I believe my body was designed by God (or whatever one subscribes to) to, among other things, birth babies. It took zero effort to create this baby (it was fun! lol). It took zero effort or work on my part to grow this baby from 2 cells into a whole human being, and God finishes what He starts. Most babies and mamas live -- especially when they are blessed with good nutrition, overall health, clean conditions, and especially when they have loving partners, support, and access to emergency care if needed. If you can't trust yourself or your body, trust it's design anyway. Even the most trusted care provider in the world is not inside my body, they can't feel exactly what I feel - neither physically, spiritually, or emotionally. Even the most loving caring midwife in the universe will not have the best interest of me or my child at heart like I do. Even Ina May Gaskin herself won't fight for my baby like I will, and no matter how comfortable I feel with someone else -- I will never be as relaxed or at ease as I am when it's just myself and my husband.

Yes, things do happen. Stuff happens, life happens. The consequence of participating in life is the fact that walking out the door every single day carries the risk of death -- sometimes a much bigger risk than anything happening in labor or to your baby. You live anyway. Every person you love carries with it the risk of breaking your heart. You love anyway. Every pregnancy, every one, carries the risk of miscarriage, stillbirth, death in labor. You choose to carry life within you anyway.

So, the responsibility may be 'all' mine, but so is the joy. So is the accomplishment. So is the moment. So is the birth.

[rainbow_mandala]

In my eyes, the mother is always 100% responsible for the outcome, regardless of who is with her and what they happen to do (or don't do).  Because of this awareness, it has been easy for me to see that having a UC makes the most sense, both intuitively and logically.  I'm not saying this is best for everyone, but when looking at the way I am and the way I go about my life, this way of birthing is the most resonant.  I have learned to rely on myself in many different ways...something I learned starting at a young age.  It simply doesn't feel natural to rely on someone else to do the things that I ultimately can do for myself and my baby...and, on top of that, I know what's best for me, my body, and my baby...a role nobody else can fill the same way.  So by completely owning the responsibility of it and embracing the fact that I know what's best, I feel at peace with taking on this adventure. 

The fact that you recognize how much you've been conditioned to accept the medicalized view of birth and to not trust your own truth & instincts is a huge step in the direction towards owning your power and inner sense of knowing.  You recognize what has happened, you see how you'd like to be, now you just have to figure out how to get there.  Writing down all the fears you have surrounding birth (not necessarily about where and with whom you give birth, but you can include that, too, if you like) will help you realize more clearly what you need to sort through and let go of.  Just take it one step at a time...you'll get there

[Banana731]

I agree with much of pp have said. I do think we should be responsible for the outcomes of our births. We should be making any decsions regarding our care from an informed place. If you allow yourself to be bullied into an intervention you don't want by an OB in a hospital birth and the outcome is bad, you are just as responsible as you would be if you declined an intervention that would have improved the outcome. If you are literally forced against your will to undergo a procedure (court mandated, etc) that's a little grayer, but even then you've made the choice to go to the hospital in the first place and you have to accept that part of the responsibility. (Not to say that coerced anything is ever okay and that those doing the coercing shouldn't be held to be responsible for their own actions!) It's the same with an attended homebirth or an unattended homebirth.

A MW here on MDC said once that "birth is as safe as life gets" and I truly believe that. When you make the decision to have a child you have to accept that the outcome might not be what you hoped.

[Mamatoabunch]

I guess I look at it in a different way. I trust my body completely and my intuition that if something was wrong I would seek outside care in the right time necessary. Maybe it is "pollyanna" of me, but I expect that all will be well. My deep faith also plays a role in that, I feel God will lead me to just the right decision or response.

[Tumble Bumbles]

Originally Posted by Mamatoabunch 

I guess I look at it in a different way. I trust my body completely and my intuition that if something was wrong I would seek outside care in the right time necessary. Maybe it is "pollyanna" of me, but I expect that all will be well. My deep faith also plays a role in that, I feel God will lead me to just the right decision or response.

[LadyJennifer]

I am always amazed by the wonderful wisdom, depth, and just amazingness of the replies of the women on here. Thank you ladies for sharing your hearts with us! I know I have been greatly encouraged by it:)
I'll share my ramblings when I'm not on my phone:)

[lightinmyhands]

For me UC is about holding sacred space.  The conception of and birthing of my children is a very personal, private, sacred act.  Not to say that I wouldn't want a close friend present if that were a possibility, also not to say that if I happened to have a close friend that was a midwife that I wouldn't want her there....but definitely saying that for me, i need to have an established trusting intimate relationship with anyone that is going to be present at my birth.  I just don't know if that kind of relationship is possible to establish within in the context of a handful of visits with a midwife over the span of 9 short months.  I can not say this with certainty, however, because I've never experienced a midwife attended birth.  Anyhow... just my two cents... want to keep this short so I'll stop here in fear of rambling :)

[Tumble Bumbles]

ITA lightinmyhands -- that's how I feel as well. Besides the spiritual/emotional aspects, I know that my body will never feel as relaxed with a short-term care provider relationship as it will feel with just my husband (or intimate close friendship as you mentioned) and being physically at ease (think sphincter law) is so, so important (imo) to a happy, healthy birth.

[labortrials]

Your posts make me cry (in a good way).  Of course, it helps that I'm an emotional (and physical) MESS today, heh!  I so admire your Faith and trust.  I have experienced so many statistically unlikely things during the childbearing years, that both my Faith and inner trust have been shattered.  Then other times, I think God has been instructing me through these experiences and perhaps even saving me from myself (and my ego).

DH told me that he wishes any of our friends understood what we are going through and were excited about our decision to have this baby at home.  For some reason - even though I know that I shouldn't take on their fears - it really shook me.  I just feel like I've suffered an emotional setback.  I'm not a "Birthing from Within" type, but I'm reading through it now.

There have been some bad birth outcomes in our community, and it seems like all CPs are a bit spooked.  It's taking its toll on me.  However, in a recent convo with my midwife, I told her how much help this UC board has been for me . . . and how challenging.  Ultimately, I'm hiring her to be my birth guardian, I suppose.  It's her job to know when my birth isn't going well or if there are signs and symptoms of something serious.  I am placing some of that responsibility on her, mostly because in a LOT of ways, I feel like this will be my first birth.  I don't know what a normal labor and delivery are like . . . other than reading stories, watching movies, and stalking YouTube.

I feel all of what you write and yet feel a level of disconnection from it.  I appreciate you all helping me sort this out.  THANK YOU!  And I hope to learn more.

[tracymom1]

We live in a world of accountability.  There is always someone to "blame" when things go wrong, and always someone to "exalt" when things are great.  Most of us in western societies, but speaking from an american perspective, can say that this has been a part of the way we were raised. Through media, mostly, but also in the school system and within peer groups - we are taught that there is always someone who is 'responsible' for all that which is.

Now, take that idea and apply it to science and medicine, and you have the reason why conventional western medicine is failing us completely.  (specifically) OBs and midwives have to protect their license and not their patients - the total opposite of what the medical model was originally conceived on.  They follow the recommendations from ACOG because if something goes wrong they have the backing of the rest of the country's OB/Gyn groups to support their decisions - nearly every OB I know has been sued or threatened -  and it is a very real possibility that they could end up in a world of trouble if they do not follow the recommended guidelines.  I am NOT saying this is right - only that this is simply the way it is.

I CHOOSE not to be a part of that mess (and most midwives are a part of that as well).  I am happy to shoulder the responsibility for my family's well-being at all times, and this includes childbirth.  I had a medicalized birth with my first out of pure necessity - I had a complication called a vasa previa and NEEDED a c-section (one of the few true complications that absolutely cannot end in a vaginal birth).  I was grateful for the medical intervention I received - my son likely would not have survived without it.  I would never deny myself or my family the proper medical attention, however, a simple, uncomplicated pregnancy is NOT a medical problem - it is a family event, a very spiritual event - and for me, very private.  I believe that most interventions that happen during birth (cervical checks, etc...) are unnecessary, if not detrimental to the labor process itself.  That's just me - and I would never, ever try to talk someone into a UC.  Just like the birth, it is a private and personal decision.

I started seeing a midwife with this pregnancy and realized that was not the way to go when the panic started to set in - she was talking about the actual birth day and what her usual practices are, and I started daydreaming about doing this completely alone.  I spoke to DH about it and, thankfully, we agreed - best to do this on our terms.  We spoke a bit about the responsibility factor - and what it comes down to for us is that we , along with God, will see this through with as much love and joy as possible.  My last birth was attended by a completely hands-off DEM, and it feels like a natural progression to go to a UC from there.

Sorry if this was a bit disjointed - I have 2 toddlers swirling around me right now!

[lightinmyhands]

I've ben toying with the idea of hiring a midwife simply because all of my female friends are nearly 2,000 miles away now and I have not had a supportive female presence at my previous 2 births, and was really wanting that at what is going to be my last birth.. but the more I think about it, the more a midwife just doesn't sit right.  They're in the same boat doctors are with liability issues and I don't want the possibility that decisions at my birth will in any way be based out of fear.  And while I don't have the "God" thing going for me, so I can't say some ethereal being is on my side birthing, I do have a deep trust in my own body's ability to birth babies.  I also agree with the statements on accountability, I think that a lot of people choose either doctors or midwives because they want to believe that these "professionals" will guide their family safely through their birth journey and then if something goes wrong there's someone there to blame.  I don't feel like I need that person there to blame, I'm pretty at peace with the understanding that most of the time birth works, and also that sometimes it doesn't.  Sometimes things go wrong, and that's ok too.  I put my energy and intentions towards things going right and from there hope for the best, all the while preparing myself to be at peace with the worst.  Just trying to be 'zen' with the process. :)

[Tumble Bumbles]

 Tracy,  I love this and totally agree!

  I would never deny myself or my family the proper medical attention, however, a simple, uncomplicated pregnancy is NOT a medical problem - it is a family event, a very spiritual event - and for me, very private.  I believe that most interventions that happen during birth (cervical checks, etc...) are unnecessary, if not detrimental to the labor process itself.  

<snip>

I started seeing a midwife with this pregnancy and realized that was not the way to go when the panic started to set in - she was talking about the actual birth day and what her usual practices are, and I started daydreaming about doing this completely alone.  I spoke to DH about it and, thankfully, we agreed - best to do this on our terms.  We spoke a bit about the responsibility factor - and what it comes down to for us is that we , along with God, will see this through with as much love and joy as possible.

[labortrials]

Yeah, when I visualize labor and birth, my midwife is not there . . . my images & fantasies of this birth are really pretty "out there" for me, and well . . . they lend themselves better to privacy and my natural environment. 

[lizzie]

I don't know what I can add to what all the other mamas have said here - ITA with pretty much everything said. Birthing for me should be as private and intimate as conception, and I may be a little bit "pollyanna" with just a deep sense based in my faith that not only will everything be fine, but that this is what we're meant to do as a family, and of course if I felt that things were going wrong, we would invite another level of expertise into our birth by transferring.

It is just SO MUCH EASIER for dh and I to trust each other rather than to trust someone else, and listen to our own God-given intuition and His voice in our hearts without anyone else's voice chiming in for reasons that may be in our "best interest" or may be in their own, or the local govt's best interest, you know? Plus the privacy of it being just us makes it so much more natural for me to do whatever I feel the need to do to work through labor. I rarely need to do much more than relax and breathe deeply, but it's nice to do what feels right rather than having the sense of another's experiences hovering over you, wanting you to do what they think would be best based on someone else's experience, or what the've been taught is "correct".

As far as the responsibility, I mean you're either going to take responsibility for choosing to abdicate your own authority over your life and birth, and for choosing whatever authority figure you felt was right for you (ob or mw or whomever) so like a pp said, you are taking responsibility, just in a different way. Personally, the reason I make so many of the parenting choices I make are because my children are a gift from God to me, and He's who I have to answer to. I don't want that answer to be "but I thought this ______ (teacher, babysitter, mw, ob, FDA, whoever) knew best!" if it's something I feel led to do myself. And that's what guides the preparation and research I do behind all the choices we make, whether it's not vaxing or UC or UP or homeschool or co-sleeping, ... you know, you name it. :)