Today in what I could best describe as a fit of melancholy, DD started expressing some rather alarming thoughts. It started with her finding a small knife that actually belongs to her, and asking if you could kill someone with it. I told her if you tried hard enough, but asked why she'd want to? That's when she started in on this diatribe of how she doesn't trust herself, that she was afraid she'd kill herself, that she felt like she wanted to be dead or a baby again, that she wanted to start her life over or have someone else's life. She couldn't articulate WHY she didn't trust herself or where any of these feelings were coming from, but they upset her to the point she was in tears (though not hysterical like she gets when she's angry, just sad tears). The "I just don't trust myself." was the most repeated thought. I had DH listen to her as well, and we got her tucked in on the couch for a while to calm down, which she did after a little while. She seemed to cheer up, had a couple of chocolate chip cookies (we'd been baking them together before all this started), and by this afternoon seemed to be back to her normal self.
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I told her she could tell me whatever she was feeling, whenever. A couple of days ago we had a conversation about some things that had happened in the neighborhood with her friends, and how to use good judgement and think before she acts. I did observe that this could be difficult at her age, because "it'll be fun" is a much easier thing to conclude when thinking about the consequences of an action than "someone might get hurt or their feelings hurt". It could be that she started from thinking about this and then maybe having a bit of a realization of, I don't know, something? An epiphany of self-awareness, maybe? Together with the trauma of her fall on Monday (she fell off her new bunk bed)...
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Needless to say, this little bout has me somewhat worried. I really have no idea what brought it on, just guesses. She fell and hit her head pretty hard Monday night, we're expecting a new baby any day...which she's mostly excited and impatient about.
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So, when do I just keep an eye out and keep communication open, and when do I seek professional help? Other than after the baby's born, because we can't actually afford to take her to the doctor until then (and maybe not even then, if the governor gets her way and strips medicaid, but that's a rant in another forum). DH thinks she'll be fine if we just keep her distracted and focused on fun, positive things rather than letting her dwell on her dark thoughts/mood. She's a very extroverted little girl, if that makes a difference.
