I'm so tired of being bossed around by my 13 month old - cue world's smallest violin

[lellian]

I'm a first time mom. Maybe I'm too thinned skin (does it thicken up with babies cause I'm due in July?) but since DD hit 13 months I feel like my days are filled with nothing but her bossing me around, screaming, and cleaning up messes. I often wonder why I left a good career to stay with her. It makes me feel guilty to even say that because I love her more than life itself, and I wouldn't have it any other way, but my God! Really!?

Bossing around. . .by that I mean we do what she wants to do and/or the screaming starts. She's just not being vocal; she's screaming at me. I don't know how to communicate to her that mama doesn't want to be screamed at. I meet her needs. I pick up her cues. She signs, she points, she uses the words she knows, I understand her body language and I act on all these things, BUT when I need to get something done. . .like pee, or put the laundry away, or unload the dishwasher there is an utter meltdown. I wear her as much as I can while doing chores. I put her on the kitchen counter so she can watch me work. I involve her in EVERYTHING. I dialogue with her ALLLLLLLL day long. I'm so talked out by the time DH wants to talk I can't muster the words. I'm meeting her every need and it feels like it isn't enough. If she's on the counter watching me chop veggies, and I need to move her because I'm not there with her, I explain this to her, I tell her I'm going to move her and why, and blah! Let the screaming begin. If we are in the fridge getting milk and we need to close the door I ask her if she'd like to close the door with me, blah! Let the meltdown begin because we aren't allowed to climb INTO the fridge.

I want to enjoy my daughter. Maybe I can if someone tells me this is NORMAL behavior. I would love to stop saying to her "Stop yelling at mama. Mama doesn't yell at you, please don't yell at me." This isn't working. She understands, trust me. This child understands everything I'm saying. She is very, very bright. Any suggestions.

If I'm boo hooing, and need to buck up you can say that too. Just know that I'm with her alone every day. DH travels M-F so it is DD and I. I don't have help. I'm looking on care.com for someone to come in when the baby is arrives, but really feel like I should be able to handle DD alone. Typically we are GREAT.

I'm rambling. Sorry, and thank you.

[lairaja]

I'm replying just to let you know you're not alone! My DD will be 13 months old tomorrow and we are in the same boat completely! The girl wants what she wants NOW and if she doesn't get it....AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!

Is it developmental? I suspect so, although I don't remember going through anything like this with my DS who is now 3. I've been blaming myself a bit with my daughter because I was feeling like maybe she wasn't getting the undivided attention my son got and that's why she is more, uh, temperamental.

Maybe it's a girl thing?

Here's what I do, though, if it helps. I remind myself that I am raising my girl to be independent and outspoken and by allowing her to express her emotions clearly (even if they leave me with a ringing headache) I am setting up a lifetime for her of being a woman unafraid to ask for what she needs and wants. I wasn't raised in a way that allowed me to be openly sad or angry. I hope for better for her.

If anyone else has wisdom about the screamies, I can't wait to hear it (if I can...)

HTH

[hildare]

Originally Posted by lellian 

I want to enjoy my daughter. Maybe I can if someone tells me this is NORMAL behavior. I would love to stop saying to her "Stop yelling at mama. Mama doesn't yell at you, please don't yell at me." This isn't working. She understands, trust me. This child understands everything I'm saying. She is very, very bright. Any suggestions.

ok... you asked for it... this is NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL!!!!!

my dd was the same way.  (was!  past tense, mostly!)  i think it's developmental.  she still does some screaming, usually reserved for when we eat supper, and she does whiny-voice scream and points at random things just to see how fast i can hand her what?  the ketchup bottle?  a whole uncooked butternut squash?  beer?  really?

at any rate, most of the screamy screamy stuff is behind us at 16 mos.  (god i hope so)

things that made a difference:  giving her work to do.  giving her jobs.  she now 'assists' with laundry.  she 'sweeps' when i sweep.  she can wipe up all the crap she spilled with a rag.  (and yesterday i had to let her put clothes from the laundry basket back into the drier and she mostly smears stuff around when she wipes up things, but you get the idea...)

the other thing that helped is the "I'm going to get you" game.  if you have time.  once our dd starts the screamies, then i have to "get her."  she loves absolutely nothing more than to be chased, so that's what we do. 

it really will get better for you guys though.  and to speak to the you-know-she-understands-you part, well, she probably does- our dd understands.  but the ability to do anything about it sometimes isn't there.  like our dd absolutely FREAKS out because she desperately and deeply wants to be able to put her own socks on.  she just can't.. it's like a coordination thing- i tried to get her to put my socks on my feet and showed her how to stretch the top but physically, she just is unable to do it right now.  i think that whole process for that age of actually understanding combines kind of poorly with the limitations and frustrations... maybe.

oh.. and, honestly.. i don't think we were meant to have only one single person raise a child.  that's a recipe for burnout.  you should think about getting with a mommy group or anything that might be in your area so you can get a break.  it will help both of you to have some breathing time....

[marsupial-mom]

Originally Posted by hildare 

the other thing that helped is the "I'm going to get you" game.  if you have time.  once our dd starts the screamies, then i have to "get her."  she loves absolutely nothing more than to be chased, so that's what we do. 

 My 13 month old LOVES that game! We play it before bath time every night.

He doesn't scream all that much, but when I want to set him down to stand or walk on his own and he doesn't want that, then he flops around. He gets limp when he wants to be held. If I don't pick him up then he'll just mope on the floor all floppy and he will cry this sad "mommy, why don't you love me anymore?" cry that tears me up.

[lellian]

Thanks for the replies,mamas. I do involve her in everything, and she has jobs. Yesterday she put all the dirty whites in the dryer while I loaded up the washer with the dirty darks. She's a fantastic helper. I'm going to remember I want an "independent and outspoken" girl as I work on my patience. ..and maybe sport some ear plugs every now and then.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by lellian 

Thanks for the replies,mamas. I do involve her in everything, and she has jobs. Yesterday she put all the dirty whites in the dryer while I loaded up the washer with the dirty darks. She's a fantastic helper. I'm going to remember I want an "independent and outspoken" girl as I work on my patience. ..and maybe sport some ear plugs every now and then.

LOL!!  Yup, you do what you need to!

Anyway, just to put in my .02, that was about the age that I really had to encourage my ds to play by himself.  It took several months before he was really able to, but at 13 months I started putting some of his toys on the kitchen floor while I cooked and did dishes, and asked him to please play while mommy worked.  I got me some peace and quiet, and now he plays by himself alot and really enjoys it (we do LOTS together still - reading, playing, building blocks, firetruck games, going to the park and pretending its a zoo, etc).  It was a huge sanity saver for me!

Also around that age I started to differentiate between "needs" and "wants" a little more than when ds was a baby.  He "needed" lunch, he didn't "need" grapes in it, yk?  I let him have some tantrums, and rode them out when it was over something he didn't need, but wanted, and he learned that tantrums don't get him anywhere very fast.  I also learned how tantrums work with him, and how to deal with them effectively (and I'm guessing every kid is a bit different, and of course its changed over time too).  Anyway, I found that 13months was when my ds started transitioning from baby to toddler, and we needed to start putting boundaries in place.  He also understood absolutely everything I said, and was able to understand me, even if he couldn't act appropriately - and him understanding helped a lot. 

Now he's highly verbal, which also makes things LOTS easier b/c we can communicate pretty well (although impulse control is not great, the communication is there which makes it easier).

Anyway, good luck!!

[Mal85]

It's so funny to see this now. When my daughter was that age, I remember thinking no one had a one year old that screamed as much as mine did. It made me feel the same way. That she and I would be better off if I went to work. I felt like we had more negative interactions than positive. It was a difficult phase. But, looking back, the screaming was the sign of language skills coming. She was constantly frustrated because she couldn't communicate with me the way she wanted to. She had some words and I knew her the way you know your daughter, but she wanted to be able to tell me what she wanted. Her language skills really started picking up around 18 months. Now, at 2 years old (this Tuesday!) she's in the middle of a language explosion! It really does help so much when they can talk to us!

[akat]

Yes, totally normal.  I try to ignore the screaming - I might say in a calm voice, 'We don't scream." and then redirect, but I wouldn't make a big deal.  It's just a phase, and if you give intense attention to it, in my opinion it will only prolong it.  Sometimes I also say what he means for him, like, "Baby wants to climb in the fridge!" [which is very true in our house, too]  "Baby's mad!"  When he's climbing in the fridge, which he does about 1,000 times a day, he's often willing to get out of there if I let him steal an ice pack or teething toy from the bottom shelf of the door of the freezer.

On days when it seems like he's just into everything and super grumpy, he's very often extra hungry, or sometimes tired.  [Or I am.]  :) 

Sometimes I notice him playing alone and when I do, I'm careful not to interrupt, if I bother him he wants my attention again.  Another thing that surprises me - if I put on his Laurie Berkener tape, it can *really* improve his mood, and often make him more amenable to playing alone for a bit. 

He also wants to be on my hip a lot at the moment - and then he'll point where he wants to go and bounce.  I'm like, what am I, a horse?  Are you telling me to giddyup?!!

[Emma Bryan Fuller]

I feel the same most days and my daughter is 2. I have two other boys and they were not even close to being this bossy. She doesn't nap and when i lay her in bed at the end of the day I thank God that i got through it!  She wakes at 7am and talks non stop until 8pm. She naps in the car on the school run.

I feel completely bossed around. She has a strong opinion about everything. What she wears etc. When i tell her to hold my hand she tells me no not that one, the other one. She corrects a lot of what i ask her in this way. I say it's bath time and she asks me not to wash her hair as it's clean.She gets annoyed when I speak to other people too. This is constant, all day. We love her to bits and she is so smart but she is wearing us out!

[lellian]

Some of your replies just made me laugh seeing DD in your household too! She's only not yelling or telling me what to do if she's being held so she can see what I'm doing, or if she's sitting on the counter so she can see what I'm doing. She sees me grab the spices and she needs to shake the bottle over the sauce. In goes the bottle of basil. . .into the sauce. She wants to cut up the grapes if I'm cutting up the grapes. I'm taking vitamins, doing the dishes, cleaning the floors. . .she wants to do it too. I remind myself every day that she is a mirror of me so if I'm patient with her she'll learn to be patient. Yay, not so much. Not yet! IF she does start playing by herself my DH and I freeze. We won't get up to do anything because if we do she gets up to come with us. We just sit there starring at one another, not talking. How pathetic! She played in her dresser drawer this morning for 40 minutes. Clothes in/out, in/out, in/out. I sat on the floor and watched and sometimes commented on the color or pattern of the clothes. Not idea, but not as high needs as when I'm brushing my teeth!

Thanks for the advice about needs and wants. I'll try to remember because at this age I feel like everything is a Neeant. A combo of need and want. . .and I swear when she's point to things it sounds exactly like Neeant! Neeant! She used to say That! Or What's That? Now it is Neeant a billion times a day. Neeant!