Getting the child to listen...

[Koilyn]

So here's the scenario. DD and I are in the living room. She's 20 months. She follows direction very well. She can go get specified objects. She can preform described tasks with a given object. But in this scenario all i am asking her to do is stay in the living room with Mommy.

She is repeatedly running into the Kitchen.

I call her name and she comes back.

She runs off again. I call to her (it takes a couple times) and tell her to stay in here with me.

 The next time she runs toward the kitchen it takes several attempts to get her attention. Which were progressively louder and more startling sounding.

Now I discussed this with hubby and he once again admonished me for yelling at her and saying that she is only 20 months and doesn't understand. I would have not called it yelling at her. It was simply her name loud and forceful.

Hubby suggested that i physically interrupt her (ie. get in her way) when she is not listening rather than giving her the oportunity to not listen. And that there has to be some thing between talking and yelling.

But short of running around like a chicken with my head cut off I don't see how to get her attention when she is willfully ignoring my attempts to get her attention. Other than startling her.

FYI the house ain't that big at all.

So how well should I be expecting her to listen?

And what do you all do to get your child's attention? (When they are ignoring you)

[tzs]

i'll admit that i get alot of my child-behavior stuff from dog training....but it's very similar!

one thing i try to remember is that after a direction there has to be follow-through. like, in this case you shouldn't yell her name over and over again....that's just teaching her that she doesn't have to listen. it takes more work on your part but (theoretically) if you ask her to come and she doesn't then you should go get her by the hand and show her. i guess eventually it'll pay off.

[mamazee]

This isn't an issue of listenting, it's an issue of impulse control.  Which she has none of.  I'm afraid part of having a toddler is, as your husband said, physical redirection, and yeah sometimes running around like a chicken with your head cut off.  The expectation that she will stay in one room because you told her to is not reasonable for a 20-month-old.

[Lilygoose]

I find that things run much more smoothly for everyone at my house when I don't yell (and I am speaking of like you when you are trying to get your DD's attention-not at her for doing something I didn't want her to), but physically put myself in front of her and make eye contact.  Then I ask her, "are you listening?"  And she'll tell me either yes or no, depending on her willingness to listen at that time.  If its no, I tell her she needs to listen and will physically walk her through whatever needs to be done if she still won't engage with me-pick up her toys, put her plate in the kitchen, go potty, etc.  Because my DD, like yours understands multi -step directions and is very capable of following through, I used to expect that she just do it (she is now 28 months, but started a couple of months before her 2nd birthday) and would get frustrated at those moments she wouldn't.  there were times she did, but interestingly the more I expected her to do this and would just yell for her to do it or raise my voice to get her attention the LESS she listened and followed through.  When I backed up and started using this approach and expecting less response form just my voice or request, the more she actually started listening, following requests, and the far fewer tantrums!  Did it mean I initially had to chase her around some days-Yep, but often thats what ended up happening anyways after I would shout to her a few times and she'd ignore me.  As to the running out of the room, that can be hard, because even if the desire to listen to your request is there, she doesn't really have the impulse control that will prevent her from doing something for any extended period of time, yet.  Why can she not go in the kitchen-would she come back in a few minutes if you didn't call for her or chase her?  At that age I would let my DD wander the house, as long as I could hear her, or would check on her every few minutes-I checked on her like every minute when I first started letting her have more freedom around the house, but over time I learned what she will do with that freedom and what different noises meant-no noise at all is usually the point I go uh-oh, she's into some mischief :)

[pianojazzgirl]

I think your expectations are too high.  While a 20mo might understand that you don't want her to go to the kitchen, if she wants to go she won't be able to stop herself.  That's your job.  So that might involve getting up and physically re-directing her, and/or involving her in doing something interesting in the living room.  Maybe a better solution for you would be to gate off the kitchen if that's possible.  Or would it be possible to super-baby-proof the kitchen so that it would be ok for her to be in there?

And to answer your question: what do I do to get my child's attention when they're not paying attention to me?  I go over to them (if they're not already standing right in front of me), get down on their level and make eye contact.  I might gently put my hands on their shoulders as I lock eyes with them.  Also I find often that speaking quieter (as opposed to louder/yelling) makes them focus more on what I'm saying.

[Peony]

Originally Posted by mamazee 

This isn't an issue of listenting, it's an issue of impulse control.  Which she has none of.  I'm afraid part of having a toddler is, as your husband said, physical redirection, and yeah sometimes running around like a chicken with your head cut off.  The expectation that she will stay in one room because you told her to is not reasonable for a 20-month-old.

Agreed. 

[ellemenope]

While I don't know the whys or whats or the realistic expectations of a typical toddler.  I will say that one of the tenets of my parental ideology is to not set up my DD for failure.  So, I do try to keep my expectations of her just below what I know she is capable of, this learned form past experience with her.  If I know DD will not listen to me in a situation, then yes, I will not give her the opportunity to ignore me (fail.)  We talk about 'expected' behavior, usually first thing in the morning and last thing before bed (DD in particular is super receptive to this.)  And, when she is happy, well-fed, and not tired, I will give her plenty opportunities to mind me (success).  But, otherwise, like I tell DH, "there is a time for teaching and a time to just pick her up.  Everyone can win when we avoid the battle."  10 points for setting up DD to succeed.  5 points for avoiding a sure failure.