Are there any online support groups/forums for parents of slow-to-warm kids?

[tryingfortwo]

Hope this is okay to ask here :)  I have a cautious, slow-to-warm son, who is almost 4 years old, and I constantly find myself questionning how I deal with a situation, or what expectations I should have for my son, or how I can work through a particular issue.  Just as I imagine that parents of spirited children appreciate talking to and learning from parents of other spirited kids, I would really value talking to other parents of slow-to-warm kids, especially parents who follow the principles of attachment parenting.  Does anyone know of a resource like this?  I do ask questions in these forums, and always appreciate the feedback that I get, but often times I feel that I have to approach things differently with my slow-to-warm child.

Anyways, not sure if anyone else is in the same boat, or if you've got anything to recommend, but I'd appreciate any info - thanks!

[JayGee]

I don't know of any, but my youngest is also a slow-to-warm child, and I totally understand your frustration.  Even today, at her gymnastics class that she's been going to for a couple of weeks she spent the first 20 minutes crying, the second 20 minutes sitting against the wall, and the final 20 minutes having a great time with the rest of the class!!!!  I'm so torn most of the time ~ do I make her endure those first 40 minutes of unhappiness/settling in so she can get to the fun part?  Or do I "rescue" her from her obvious discomfort when she begins to cry?  Anyone else?

[LynnS6]

Not that I know of. I just had to pop in and post this quote from my (extrovert) dd:

"You know mom, it's funny. T is kind of shy at school, but he's not shy at all at home."

Yep, he's my slow-to-warm up, introverted child. The nice thing to see as he gets older is that other kids seem to like him, despite his being so quiet and a bit socially awkward. He's incredibly sweet, and they pick up on that. 

Good books:

The Emotional Life of the Toddler -- I know your son doesn't qualify as a toddler anymore, but it's got a really good chapter on "The Fearful" child. I didn't read it until ds was 3 1/2 or 4, and I still found it helpful.

The Highly Sensitive Child -- hands down the best book for highly sensitive kids

The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child -- I didn't like this one as much (there are a few weird statements that aren't backed up -- things like "introverts tend to have cold feet" ), but it's a decent overview of the differences between introverts and extroverts, along with a discussion of how the world seems to be oriented to extrovert = normal.

[tryingfortwo]

Originally Posted by JayGee 

I don't know of any, but my youngest is also a slow-to-warm child, and I totally understand your frustration.  Even today, at her gymnastics class that she's been going to for a couple of weeks she spent the first 20 minutes crying, the second 20 minutes sitting against the wall, and the final 20 minutes having a great time with the rest of the class!!!!  I'm so torn most of the time ~ do I make her endure those first 40 minutes of unhappiness/settling in so she can get to the fun part?  Or do I "rescue" her from her obvious discomfort when she begins to cry?  Anyone else?

Oh, I totally know what you mean!  I tend to lean more towards complying with DS, so I allow him to just watch if he doesn't want to participate, as I don't really want to go through tears, etc.  But, I don't know if this is the "right" thing to do, or if I need to help him push outside of his comfort zone so that he can participate eventually.  I feel that when working with slow-to-warm kids, the standard approaches aren't always the best ones - pushing them to try something new may actually backfire and make them more resistant to trying new things in the future!  And that's the opposite direction than the one I want to move in! 

Lately, I'm really struggling with eating.  He's a very picky eater, but I know it's almost exclusively due to being slow-to-warm, not necessarily because he doesn't like taste or texture.  95% of the things he doesn't "like" are things he's never even tried before - they are just new/different.  I'm so torn between just continually exposing it to him, but basically allowing him to stick with his tried and true regulars and not pushing the issue, or being more proactive and only offering certain foods (within reason, and with an option that I know he will like) and hoping he eventually comes around because he doesn't have a choice.  I mean, I totally get and like the concept of "parents provide the what and when, kids choose if they eat it or not", but I don't know if it works with a slow-to-warm kid.  Sometimes I feel like too-hard of a push is going to make things worse, you know?  So this is where I'd love to be able to talk to other parents in the same situation, either with a slow-to-warm kid this age, or who have gone through it already.

LynnS6 - that quote from your DD is so perfect, it describes my son to a tee as well!  I once got a short video clip of DS doing a puzzle with DH (in the comfort of our home, no one else around), and people could not believe how talkative and active he was - a totally different kid!  And it was very reassuring to hear that other kids like him - this is such a fear of mine, for my DS, that he won't fit in and won't be accepted because he's not an extrovert.  So it really warmed my heart to read your words, honestly!  And thank you also for the book recs - I will definitely check them out! 

[angelandmisha]

Trying for two- I think you just started one! I haven't seen any online groups, but then again, I haven't really looked. I totally second the recommendation of The Highly Sensitive Child, great insight into this temperament and gives an understanding of how our society is generally oriented to the more extroverted, less sensitive temperament. As well as giving you the confidence to accept that this is real.

My DS is also almost four, our only child so far and extremely slow to warm and highly sensitive. It is a challenge to work with his temperament, but I'm finding it more of a challenge to deal with other adults about his temperament. And I find that really unfortunate and sad. I really try hard to protect him from the ideas that he "should" be doing this or that, or "it's not a big deal" and I take the criticism and opinions that I'm spoiling him or that I shouldn't give in to him. I not only have to trust him, but I have to trust myself and not listen to what everybody else says about what he or I should be doing and not compare him to other kids. He is how he is and I think he's wonderful. (and a lot of times I think they sound mean!)

I just pulled him out of a Little Gym class where he was supposed to go in by himself. The first class, I was with him the whole time and he seemed to like it, but each of the next classes he got progressively more fearful, tearful and upset. He began saying at home that he didn't want to go. I never left him by himself and tried to gently encourage him to try the activities, but he told me he just wanted to be close to me and hold my hand. So heart-breakingly sweet! I came on here and asked for advice about whether to continue or not. Not a single person said to keep him in the class. I got great advice from Lynn and was so grateful for her input.

I think for me, I've found that trusting my child is usually what leads to the best result. I guess I would probably say that generally, but I think it's even more important for children like ours. I feel it's essential for his well-being that I absolutely respect his temperament and not force things that I can predict are likely to cause him distress. I have to be really careful how I word things or he'll fall apart- not because I've said no or whatever, but because he thinks I'm upset with him. I have to be extra gentle because he is very sensitive to things I say. I think it's actually really sweet and helpful to me as a parent. It's generally my nature to be like that, so it's not a big stretch, but it does cause me to really think about what I'm doing or why I'm asking him to do certain things- sort of helps me with perspective and priorities, yk?

We just tried to play with the one little friend he has today at the playground and I realized that it's much more comfortable for him to play at her house or ours. It was all too much today. So that's good to know, now I can help set up environments/situations for him that will be least stressful and help him enjoy the event more.

So those are my thoughts for now, it is nice to come here and hear from some other people who have the same types of things going on- I don't know anyone IRL whose child is highly sensitive or has even heard of that. (Turns out my husband is highly sensitive as well) I am finding that I think most ways that society deals with children are way too harsh and controlling for my tastes and for my child. I'm glad you posed this question, I'd love to have a group of like-minded mothers with similar children to get support from! Hopefully we'll hear from many more.

[ChocolateMom]

Hi!

  You are certainly not alone.  My older daughter is nine.  She was the most sociable, warm and loving child until round age 6. Then she started kindergarten, her little sister was born and she suddenly became the class problem.  After a year and a half of trying to figure out what was wrong, she was diagnosed with AD/HD, (Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder.)  We started her on medication which made a tremendous difference.  We also got her in a weekly social interaction class, in which all sorts of kids work with a qualified leader to role play and play games to discuss how to interact appropriately in all sorts of situations. 

  So I commend you that you already realize something is slightly different with your child, and that something needs to be done.  Make sure you check with your pediatrician for his/her opinions of what is going on and what community resources there are to help your family.  You are doing exactly the right thing reaching out and chatting.

[thehighernest]

You definitely just started a tribe !

My son, about to turn 2, is also what I would call slow-to-warm. As in, real slow. Let's put it this way - he's turning two and we still can't make it happily through any family affair with extended family. We're talking about slow, almost non-existent, to warm up around grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc. -- people he sees often enough! It makes things, as I'm sure you already know, difficult. Dinners with other people are near impossible and are made even more so by the fact that for some reason, people feel the need to try/needle even harder, which only makes the situation worse and worst. We have to hide in my mother-in-law's den for most of a celebration because the moment he walks in through the front door and sees other people there, he becomes so miserable. It's definitely been a challenge.

I'd read parts of The Highly Sensitive Child and think I may need to get my hands on the whole thing. I've never really known if to consider him that or not because I didn't think he exhibited great sensitivity to sounds, textures, etc., but I think about it as I write this right now, and he does seem to have supernatural hearing...and he's become quite distressed about dressing/undressing (of course, that could be typical 2 year old stuff). He was always a very good eater as a baby, but now is basically eating all of the same three things and nothing else really. That's a stress of its own, I know.

School/day care has been hit or miss. Thankfully, we had a teacher these past 6 months who was really understanding. But one of the teachers I screened for his new class now that he's turning 2 basically called him "weird" . His slow to warming up comes with a very high sense of independence, so no teacher who wants him to blindly follow directions is going to do well with him. And at this point, I'm more interested in not squashing his sensitive spirit than in obedience, so there have definitely been challenges, and I very much worry about how he will fare with teachers in the future...I also notice that because of all of this, even understanding adults just don't warm up to him. He's not cuddly and smiley, so that doesn't engender much affection from other people, kwim? And that really worries me, too, of course. Any time a stranger tries to look at him, he either gives them the stink eye or he breaks down on the floor.

On the other hand, he loves older children and although not incredibly social -- would probably choose to play by himself than parallel other children -- he gets along just fine with kids his own age. He's been slow to talk as well...not sure if there's a connection there.

And for things like the Little Gym as previous posters mentioned...forget about it. That was a disaster. He was so not interested. And then either the social children's parents really think you and he are weird or you just think they do: it doesn't matter. It makes the whole thing very uncomfortable for everyone.

Sigh. At any rate, I've hijacked your post, which I did not mean to do. I just wanted you to know that there are more of us out here than you may have thought, and it would be great to have a place where we could regularly vent, etc. We could just keep this thread going or start a new one, etc.