4-year-old having meltdowns in Montessori class - help!

[mom2rory]

If anyone can offer advice on how to handle my son's recent behavior, I would appreciate it! I received an e-mail today from my son's teacher saying that he's been crying daily in class. If someone is working with something he wants to work with (even if he's already worked with it that day), he starts crying and saying he hasn't worked with. If someone brushes up against him, he starts crying, etc.

He started school (3 hours, 5 days a week) in September, and he cried all day the first day (he liked the idea of school, but I think it was a shock to a kid who'd never been to daycare and whose dad stayed home with him all day) and then only sometimes. They would take him to the library corner of the room and ask him to calm down and then come back to the group, and he did pretty quickly. Now they are having to take him out of the room and even into the office a couple of times. (He's also started hitting and kicking at home, which we're handling well, I think.)

My husband started a full-time outside-the-home job about 3 weeks ago, which I think is behind most of this behavior. My husband freelanced and worked from home since before our son was born. Now our son is going to school for 3 hours, then into a daycare program at his school for another 3 hours. He seems to love the daycare, but now he says he's not feeling well when it's time to go to school, and then having this meltdowns once he's there.

Any suggestions in how I can support him in this change and help him learn to deal with it without falling apart?

Thanks!

[mattemma04]

Is there any way you could keep your child with you more,and give him a break from the long days away from home? I would want to keep him with me more,and ease him back into Montessori and daycare.

Eventaully he may adjust on his own.Dad can give him one on one at night.Early bedtime for enough rest. Extra nutrients.Sounds like the school is doing what they can as well.Hopefully your ds will settle before they ask you to pull him.

If it were me and I was a sahm I would give him days at home to just rest and do whatever,and then ease him back into the social settings. If he melted again I would pull him out for a break till fall.My kids are older now and handle the long days at Montessori better,but every now and then they still can use a day off.

Hope he feels better soon!

[Subhuti]

Can you sit in on the class and just get a sense of the vibe of the class and the after care?  Just to rule out that it's not a great chemistry for him ... the personalities, etc.?

It does sound like it has to do with the huge loss of his dad ... that is so big!

[mom2rory]

Thanks, ladies. I am not a SAHM, so I can't keep him with me any more than I do. My husband's schedule and mine overlap enough that he gets each of us alone for a few hours, then the 6 hours at school/daycare. I have observed the school many times (they have the observation rooms with the one-way mirrors so you can see how your child really acts without you around) and am very happy with the school and his teachers. There is no way I could leave him that long if I didn't think they were the very best.

The funny thing is that he loves the extended care part of it. It seems he's only acting up in class. The teachers have been very communicative and are telling me not to worry, he'll likely adjust to dad being at work very soon. They're telling me not to worry, and that they just want to make sure we're all on the same page as far as how we handle his meltdowns. So I guess I'll just have to trust them and see how it goes for a little while!

Thanks again.

[NikonMama]

Not sure how old your son is, but when my son was around 3-4 (can't remember exactly) he went through a phase where he would have complete meltdowns for what seemed like no real reason.  He would do almost exactly what you described that your son is doing.  It was very strange for us, b/c normally our son is very laid bad, easy going, and such a loving little boy, but at times he would go ballistic and we would have to hold him in our laps to keep him from hurting himself.  We had NO clue what was going on.  I don't really know any advice to give you, other than for our son it was a phase that he grew out of.  He went through it for about 6 months to a year, but after that he was back to his normal self. 

What we did, though, was put him on his bed in his room and told him that if he wanted to kick and scream and throw a fit he needed to do it on his bed.  If he was ready to calm down and come join the world in a calm manner, then he was more than welcome to do so.  Once we started doing that, most of the time his fits were much shorter.  Occasionally he would do the ballistic thing, but generally they were pretty short. 

I've worked in childcare for a long time...since he's started saying that his stomach is upset and he doesn't want to go, could there be another child that is being mean to him and his teachers just don't see it?  Even that young, kids are very good at hiding bullying from teachers.  There may be other problems going on in the class that you don't know about.  There may be a teacher that is losing her temper with him b/c of his "fits" and he's scared of her.  I've seen it before, unfortunately.  :(

[CatsCradle]

I have to echo what NikonMama said above...we went through the same thing between the ages 3 and 4 and I would say that it is finally starting to ease.  I'm not aware whether DD had any complete meltdowns in her Montessori school (they said she is generally easy), but either myelf or DH would be on the receiving end of DD's meltdowns several times a week, and she seemed to have them for no apparent reason.  I've chalked it up to several things.  First, I think it is a developmental thing.  She grew a lot during that time period and part of it had to do with exhaustion and the other part with an inability to express herself.  At first it was really scary to us but then we learned to pick up on certain cues.  DD is an extremely competitive child (I keep asking myself where that is coming from) and she is easily, easily frustrated when she can't perform a task the way she sees fit.  It often results in much frustration and subsequent meltdown.  I can only say that things have gotten better, but it was not easy during its height.  The difference now is that she takes time to think about certain situations, whereas before she would just fly off the handle, so to speak.  Any type of change is also a big factor.  I think that sometimes children resist change and they feel their security is somewhat threatened by it.  I bet that your DS will ease into it eventually once he starts feeling more secure and he knows that there is some consistency.  I know it is really hard when you're in the middle of it.