Name change help! PLEASE HELP! He'll be dragging me to court as soon as he can! - Page 2

[kblackstone444]

Just got served two days ago.  For Paternity (with name change) and for Visitation.  Custody was crossed out on the docket, but that scares me- with visitation, I will have to legally hand him over to his father and without custody, then I'm not sure I'd be able to legally get him back if his father refuses to return him.  In the process of getting a court appointed lawyer.

[Kwan*Yin]

I would be scared too. The baby is only 2 months old? I'm surprised the father filed.

[blessingscome]

Is custody already assumed to belong solely with you?  That might be why it was crossed off the docket - if the person who approved it being scheduled decided that there wasn't enough evidence to merit a possible custody change and crossed it off.  With a visitation schedule ordered by the court though, you dont' have to be as worried about him not returning your child to you at the end of his visitation time.

[kblackstone444]

Originally Posted by Kwan*Yin 

I would be scared too. The baby is only 2 months old? I'm surprised the father filed.

It's not a baby, it's his "property".    I'm keeping his "property" from him.

[kblackstone444]

Originally Posted by blessingscome 

Is custody already assumed to belong solely with you?  That might be why it was crossed off the docket - if the person who approved it being scheduled decided that there wasn't enough evidence to merit a possible custody change and crossed it off.  With a visitation schedule ordered by the court though, you dont' have to be as worried about him not returning your child to you at the end of his visitation time.

Nothing has been done as far as legal so far.  We were never married, he's not even the legal father yet.

[Kwan*Yin]

I get the same threats with the same wording. I hope it all drags out for many months until the baby gets a little older. I hate when nursing baby's are forced to go overnights when they are totally not ready.

[Goodmom2008]

The courts can't determine custody without first establishing paternity.  The custody will be heard after this is done later.  Either way, get a parenting plan signed off on by a judge before any unsupervised visits. 

[Goodmom2008]

Originally Posted by josybear 

i'd agree with goodmom except that paternity isn't established so there's no need to let him see the baby at all. he isn't the father until he's proven the father, and giving him visitation implies that he's the father.

Not allowing him to establish a relationship with the father, in other words not letting him see the baby, before paternity is legally established will hurt her in court once paternity is established if he decides to go for custody after paternity is established.  While the courts may not know who the father is, the courts will know that she does.  Establishing paternity is merely a formality for legal purposes.  So, yes, there is a need to let him see the baby.

While paternity isn't established, she has complete control over the length of the visits and whether or not they are supervised. 

[Goodmom2008]

Originally Posted by Kwan*Yin 

She is under no obligation to set up visitation with him and he certainly would not get custody if she decided not to do visits. If at the point paternity is established then yes she should absolutely set up visits.

I wouldn't go around saying that he won't get custody if she refuses to let him see the baby.  Custody HAS changed for this very reason.  Courts are looking for a custodial parent who will facilitate the relationship with the other parent.  I am not saying that she should go out of her way to set up visits, but she also should not deny him if he asks.  I can just see it in court:

Which scenario do you think will look better to a judge who has to decide custody?

OP:  He has no relationship with the baby.

Father:  She refused to let me see the baby on such and such date and time.

OP:  Paternity was not established so he wasn't the legal father and I was under no obligation to allow visits.

Or

OP:  He has no relationship with the baby.

Father:  She refused to let me see the baby.

OP:  He never contacted me to set up visitation.  Had he done that, I would have gladly set up a visit.

If I was a judge, the first scenario would cause a custody change.  Regardless of the law, the mother knew who the father was. 

When going to court, it really is a better plan to go in with clean hands. 

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by Goodmom2008 

I wouldn't go around saying that he won't get custody if she refuses to let him see the baby.  Custody HAS changed for this very reason.  Courts are looking for a custodial parent who will facilitate the relationship with the other parent.  I am not saying that she should go out of her way to set up visits, but she also should not deny him if he asks.  I can just see it in court:

Which scenario do you think will look better to a judge who has to decide custody?

OP:  He has no relationship with the baby.

Father:  She refused to let me see the baby on such and such date and time.

OP:  Paternity was not established so he wasn't the legal father and I was under no obligation to allow visits.

Or

OP:  He has no relationship with the baby.

Father:  She refused to let me see the baby.

OP:  He never contacted me to set up visitation.  Had he done that, I would have gladly set up a visit.

If I was a judge, the first scenario would cause a custody change.  Regardless of the law, the mother knew who the father was. 

When going to court, it really is a better plan to go in with clean hands. 

Scenario number one would likely cause court ordered visitation to begin - its not in a child's best interest (ever pretty much) to be removed from a loving parent and placed with someone the child has never met and doesn't have any sort of relationship with.  THEN - if the mother refuses to facilitate visitation, doesn't cooperate with the court order, but the father really wanted visitation and was showing up at all the times designated, but was being turned away - THEN the court would think seriously about flipping custody.  I can't see it happening at the very first court date though, not if the child has never met the other parent.

[josybear]

also, let's not forget that plenty of women don't know who the fathers of their children are. it's not impossible or even wildly unusual for someone to have two or more possible fathers. the court can't prove that she knew he was the father, so the court can't act on that assumption.

[Kwan*Yin]

Exactly because isn't she married and living with her husband still? There is the possibility the man isn't the biological father therefore why establish a relationship beforehand without proof?

[Goodmom2008]

Originally Posted by josybear 

also, let's not forget that plenty of women don't know who the fathers of their children are. it's not impossible or even wildly unusual for someone to have two or more possible fathers. the court can't prove that she knew he was the father, so the court can't act on that assumption.

There's a difference between not knowing and knowing.  And then there's the pesky little fact that if she goes to court and lies under oath, she's breaking the law.  Not a good idea.

[Goodmom2008]

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

Scenario number one would likely cause court ordered visitation to begin - its not in a child's best interest (ever pretty much) to be removed from a loving parent and placed with someone the child has never met and doesn't have any sort of relationship with.  THEN - if the mother refuses to facilitate visitation, doesn't cooperate with the court order, but the father really wanted visitation and was showing up at all the times designated, but was being turned away - THEN the court would think seriously about flipping custody.  I can't see it happening at the very first court date though, not if the child has never met the other parent.

Scenario number 1 is more likely to end up with a custody change, maybe not right away, it would be a gradual change while the other parent establishes a relationship that the mother refused to allow to happen.  And it's kind of hard for the other parent to meet the child if the mother is REFUSING to let him.  A court is going to take that into consideration. 

It could also end up with the other parent being awarded more parenting time than what is in the child's best interest. 

It really is better to not refuse visits.  It dirties your hand.  And gives the other party's claims more credibility.   Now and in the future. 

[AttunedMama]

Originally Posted by Goodmom2008 

Scenario number 1 is more likely to end up with a custody change, maybe not right away, it would be a gradual change while the other parent establishes a relationship that the mother refused to allow to happen.  And it's kind of hard for the other parent to meet the child if the mother is REFUSING to let him.  A court is going to take that into consideration. 

It could also end up with the other parent being awarded more parenting time than what is in the child's best interest. 

It really is better to not refuse visits.  It dirties your hand.  And gives the other party's claims more credibility.   Now and in the future. 

There's something to be said for this, no doubt. If she explains to a judge that he is abusive to her, hopefully that will weigh in to understanding why she does not engage with him...However, it sounds like Mama DOES engage with Biodad and that he's scrambled her around quite a bit already. Hopefully, any visitation will be minimal and supervised, and Mama can get some counseling to let go of some pain and trauma.

[LorenaAZ]

Originally Posted by BabyBearsMummy 

Too much drama and stress for a mother with a newborn. For your sanity IMHO cut communication. Keep a detailed written record of all interactions. With a controling ex the best practice is turn a deaf ear to their attempts of manipulate you. He is under the impression he still has control over you and he does not. Enjoy life with your sons and if he ever actually takes this to court worry about it then. But it all seams like empty threats made by a man grasping at straws.

This precisely.  You shouldn't be dealing with this "person" while still getting to know your tiny little brand new baby.  Cut him off completely and enjoy those first moments with your babe.  

Deal with the situation if it ever materializes in the form of a court document. 

Congrats on your beautiful baby boy!!!!    

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by kblackstone444 

Just got served two days ago.  For Paternity (with name change) and for Visitation.  Custody was crossed out on the docket, but that scares me- with visitation, I will have to legally hand him over to his father and without custody, then I'm not sure I'd be able to legally get him back if his father refuses to return him.  In the process of getting a court appointed lawyer.

Ok, they don't award visitation without custody being determined.  He's probably asking for visitation, but NOT custody - which is most likely why custody was crossed out.

[cutigergrl]

i'm in the EXACT same situation, kblackstone.  please keep me updated on how things are going for you!

[McGucks]

I am confused how he can file when the child has not been proven to be his.  Regardless, no court will force you to change your baby's name to his biological father's, even if paternity is proven.

This all sounds really, really awful and scary.  I hope you have good support and legal representation.

I was sued for full custody of my older son when he was about 6.  His dad actually never followed through on the suit, but I think it took ten years off my life.  It turned out just to be a scare tactic, and boy, was it scary.

[jewel1288]

I echo the words of many other mamas, stop communicating with him. Unless he comes from money, it seems unlikely that he will pursue custody. As I think you already know, he wants possession, not a relationship with you or the baby. That's how abusive men operate. And, they're always the "victim," as you have probably already heard him profess a number of times. Remind yourself that he isn't really the victim, no matter what he's been through provides no excuse large enough to justify his bad behavior. 

Hoping the best for you and your family! I know it's difficult. well, difficult is an understatement. :-/ Still hoping for the best possible outcome.