Letting kids "work things out" themselves?

[DomerJen]

I have an almost 2yo and some of the moms in my play group are getting big on "letting the kids work it out themselves".  I do notice that it's mostly the moms of very aggressive kids. 

My son is extremely shy and nervous around other kids - he's the one that gets picked on, toys stolen, etc... He doesn't know how to "work it out" for himself.  He'll let a kid steal his toy and then just get a huge sad face and/or cry, and then be miserable for the rest of the morning.

I haven't had anyone suggest to me yet that my kid and theirs just "work it out" in a situation - but I want to be ready for the inevitable.  I don't feel comfortable with that - my son needs sticking up for, still!

How can I say no without saying how that seems like a good idea for them b/c their kid is the aggressor - which is sort of how I feel?!?

[philomom]

Eh, I lost a friend over this issue. Her kid would beat up mine at every playdate. She would insist the kids need to work it out on their own.. well, my kid was getting bruised up. I offered to spend time with her without children... she flatly refused. Oh well. There's other fish in the sea.

[thedenverduo]

I think "letting kids work it out" is a great idea for older kids who have been taught and shown the respectful way to handle things and communicate their feelings and desires.  But your son isn't even two yet and "letting them work it out" translates into "let them bully my son".  So I applaud you for not letting their views keep you from interceding on your son's behalf. 

If you like the playgroup otherwise, I would just keep watching out for my son and interceding when necessary (like to ask the aggressor to give the stolen toy back to your ds).  If someone says anything just say "I think we need to show them HOW to work it out before they can do so on their own."

[carmen358]

My DD is very social and is often the youngest in a group. She likes to get right in with the "big kids" though and is often pushed away or has toys snatched from her just because she is younger. I don't intervene unless she is in physical danger. I think if the 2 kids involved are able to understand "working it out" then I would probably let them go for awhile and see how they do. However, if they are too young to "work it out" then they are probably just as likely to not understand "sharing" so it's tough to deal with!

[Peony]

For toddlers, no, I intervene. It can be as simple as offering suggestions and letting them choose if they are old enough to understand. For school age children, I sit back and see what happens and then intervene if I need to. My DS is almost 2 as well, and I'm right there during play with other toddlers. No one has ever said anything to me, if they were to I'd probably say something about how children at that age learn by modeling and do not have the logical thinking skills to work it out fairly. Another option might be just to say he is reserved and needs assistance in expressing his needs. 

[Mom2M]

Not for toddlers. I had this happen with DD1 and I would go to them and offer alternatives like redirecting to a different toy if that's what caused the issue and I included both of them in the conversation with no problems from the other parents.

[woodchick]

I am a fan of working things out themselves, but that doesn't mean that I don't step in.  For me, I avoid instructing or telling other children what to do, but I do step up and help my DDs through the issue.

So instead of "Other child, please give the ball back to DD! We don't snatch toys!"  I will say "DD, you can ask for your ball back or you can play with this thing over here."

That's an oversimplified example, but I can step into a situation while still letting the kids figure things out.

[Ldavis24]

I guess I am the odd duck out here in regard to my toddler.

DD is usually one of the younger kids at the library when we go regularly and she often has toys snatched from her etc. I don't really intervene at all unless she is really upset. If she wants the toy back badly enough she will attempt to do something about it, if she is trying to get it back I will go deal with it.

I tend to sit back and just let her explore around the other kids, I do intervene when I need to but she handles herself well and we haven't had a problem yet. I am one of those mom's who says let them figure it out, but DD is not aggressive at all. 

If there is a problem though I am always right there, I may sit back and seem like I am not paying attention but I watch the other moms there, reading their books, playing on laptops or phones and I don't do any of that, I sit quietly and very closely monitor DD for any issues I need to address, it just looks like I am doing nothing!

[pianojazzgirl]

I think it is one thing to give kids a little space to see how the situation resolves (maybe without parental interference?) and quite another to be completely hands-off when your child is going through a phase of hitting/biting/whatever.  I also think that the "let them work it out themselves" idea is a lot more successful with older kiddos.  Toddlers still need an awful lot of guidance. 

[creddy]

My son is almost 2.  I wholeheartedly agree with TheDenverDuo and WoodChick's replies.  Especially WoodChick's suggestions of assisting only your child in learning the skills he will need.  Not all parents have the "it takes a village" attitude, so they may resist you addressing their child at all...    

Toddlers definitely need shown HOW to work through problems, and WHAT to actually say (if they're verbal, mine's not so much).  Then when they're older (3+) they will have the tools to at least TRY to handle it on their own, even if they aren't able to resolve every situation without the mom's assistance.