PAL (Pregnancy After Loss) Mamas November 2011 - Page 2

[apmama07]

How's everyone doing this week? Looks like there's some new PAL mamas joining the ddc, hope we get to "meet" you all!

AFM hanging in there...another beta draw tomorrow morning is my next milestone. Yesterday marked the point of my first loss, and passed without much anxiety at all this time. I'm trying to set lots of small milestones for myself to get through. Next will be 7 weeks where the last baby passed and soon after an u/s.

I've been struggling with feeling very disconnected from this pregnancy so far. With the last one, I felt very strongly the baby's presence from early on, I was connected to him. So I felt when he'd passed too. This time, so far I can't sense a baby there at all. Not allowing the fear and paranoia to take over but it does concern me. Thinking it's a subconscious defense thing that's beyond my control....Anyone else?

[Hykue]

It really sounds to me like it would just be a subconscious defense.  I've heard of other mamas having the same experience of finding it much harder to connect with their babe in utero after they had had a loss.  I'm still hanging in here, some days I feel pretty confident and hopeful and other days every little thing scares me (yesterday it was shooting cramps).  I'm just past six weeks now, so I'm slowly getting closer and closer to the relative safety of each milestone ahead of me.  I'm hoping that talking to the doctor next monday means he'll give me a requisition to get an early ultrasound, or else convince me to be confident enough not to want one, somehow.  We'll see.  Anyway, I'm really trying to focus on living my life and being as positive as I can, not on fear.  Thanks for the check-in!

How about everyone else, still hanging in there?

[xakana]

I wasn't able to bond with my second daughter in utero, the whole pregnancy. I bonded very quickly with Lost and so when I lost him/her, I was devastated. I felt nothing for my second loss, just numb. It was still too soon. So I just couldn't bond with DD.

I'm pretty strongly bonded to this baby and that terrifies me. I couldn't bond with my first until I was 7 months pregnant, because I couldn't really believe there was a baby in there. So, I couldn't bond early with either of my living children, so it really worries me that I'm bonded to this one. I can't even really believe this will be a baby, because of it. I'm stuck being so sure the baby's not going to make it :( I try not to think about it, but I feel SO pregnant!

[tank]

I'm hanging in there.  My first appointment is on Monday too.  I hope it gives me some reassurance.  I know I won't have an u/s but maybe they will do something.  Even another pregancy test done by a midwife might even do it.  I feel like I need something.  So far this pregnancy has felt different than my last one.  I feel stuff going on in my uterus everyday, which is nice.  I also want to put some reassurance in my DP.  He has been really distant because he was so thrown out of wack by the m/c.  I think he is afraid to get attached to this baby.

good luck with your beta draw apmama07

[xakana]

My DH was so scared he didn't even want to know in the first six weeks of pregnancy anymore after the first loss. I think it's almost harder in some ways since they don't have groups to help them out and support them :(

[apmama07]

I agree, for so many reasons it's harder for them to deal emotionally. Most men just don't have the support systems we do, nor are they taught to deal with emotions like that openly. My DH has been going through a jerk adjustment phase with this pg too....I'm just hoping he works through it soon because he's miserable to be around! I've tried talking to him but either he's in total denial that he has anxieties about the pregnancy, or he just doesn't want to talk about it. Won't admit to me any feelings.

[SoCaliMommy]

 I'm hanging in there. I have my first ultrasound on 3/21. I'm letting my self get excited about this baby til I'm given a reason not to be. I  got brave and bought two cute gender neutral outfits yesterday that were on sale.

[AprilGlynn]

  Hi everyone, as I already posted my son died of sids at one week old. I miscarried his twin very early but otherwise had a very healthy full term pregnancy. My mother had 3 miscarriages before having me, two of which were in the second trimester so I guess I grew up weary of getting attatched to having a baby in early pregnancy. I'm having trouble believing I'm pregnant and that I might be pregnant another 8 months and have another baby. My son was born October/20th/2010 so it hasn't been long. I know it might be a scary path but we knew right away that trying again as soon as it was safe was what we needed to do to hold on. I'm due only ten days after the 1 yr anniversary of Fox's funeral. He was so perfect and wonderful.

   I nanny for a family in which the mother is a apprenticing homebirth midwife and I think shes great and she already said she would take us as clients even though we barely have any money to offer up before the birth. I was grumpy about having an ultrasound during my last pregnancy but want one this time as my confidence and faith that nothing could possibly go wrong have been shattered. I also want to know ahead of time if its another son because I think that will be much harder on us. We were using the shettles method for a girl though. Good luck to all you strong mamas and give my love to the little ones we are all hoping to hold someday this November.

[AprilGlynn]

p.s. I have no idea why there a advertisement on the top of my post.

[MrsHin2002]

Hi everyone,

I'm so sorry for everyone's losses.

This is my first post on the Nov DDC... still nervous I guess. I feel like such a fool... my cycles have been irregular since the d&c on Nov 4th (6 weeks, 5 weeks and 3.5 weeks). I somehow thought I was a week farther along than I was (that AF was late on Monday)... but alas I was too quick. I definitely got some positive tests, which is good, but since I realized my goof in the timing I'm feeling much less secure about everything... ugh. With m/c #1 & #2 we told everyone (but not anything on facebook) and that made the losses easier, for me at least. With m/c #3 we didn't tell anyone, mostly because my good friend was due a week earlier than I was, and she's one to wait to tell and it seemed like 'shared' news somehow... but it made the m/c much worse for me... keeping the stress and worry a secret between u/s #1 and u/s #2 was almost the end of me... and then to tell people about the m/c who didn't know about the pregnancy just seemed wrong. So I've been telling some people (but only one member of my family, strangely) and now I feel like a fool because of the timing. Though sometimes I feel ok with the timing because I'm pretty sure I o'd before cd14 (maybe cd10?) because of cm, though I haven't charted in a while. It certainly seemed like good timing at the time, just frustrating now that a standard due date calculator says I'm only 3 weeks pg...

I'm still very hopeful, but worried, all at the same time. I feel sometimes like I sound more ok than I feel (I can put on a good show when needed). Hope to feel confident enough to post on the Master list soon. Hugs to all!

Karen

[angelashn]

Hi ladies,

I'm also having a very hard time bonding at this point with the baby. With my first three pregnancies I ran out and bought a small little keepsake toy to mark the event and called everyone within a day or two. When my third preg ended in a miscarriage my "innocence" was taken and I suffered. We had told almost everyone except my kids and I just couldn't bring myself to let everyone know we lost the baby. I remember a few weeks after wards we were at a church luncheon and 4 different people came up to congratulate us on the baby. With the first, I just said I'm not pregnant and I let them believe they were misinformed. After the others came I had to leave, I couldn't take it. With the second MC a year later it. I took a test after a "weird" 2 day period and got a positive. I guess this was a little easier because I had lost something I didn't know I had to lose. After the pain of the first MC I did not tell anyone except my mother and sister-in-law about the second one.

With this pregnancy I say a quick prayer every time I walk into the bathroom and a thank you, thank you, thank you, when I finish and there is no bleeding. I think I'm afraid to tell anyone or buy anything because then it will make this real and then I have something to lose.

I found this Prayer for the Child and find comfort in saying it:

O Lord, our child is but an embryo, with tiny head and trunk. During this month, you will form the beginning of its features. Bless each of the tiny limb buds, which will grow into arms and legs. Create hands that will later serve you, and strong legs that will lead our precious child to your narrow path. You have formed our little ones heart and on day 25, it began beating for the firs time. Bless this tiny soul, that this dear one may grow to be a child after your own heart. Amen

[thencamehenry]

Joining the club...

My son just turned two and we had a miscarriage just after Christmas.  This is our third pregnancy and I just found out yesterday.  I am slowly starting to believe it's true.  I sure do miss the innocence of that first pregnancy but I'm trying to stay positive.

We've already told a few friends and both our parents.  I am not broadcasting it to the whole world but I am telling people whose comfort I would like if we did lose another baby.  For me, having a miscarriage was lonely enough without it being a secret.

I'm still working on choosing a care provider and I'm hoping to click with the midwife at the birth center next week.  My plan is to schedule an appointment and ultrasound around 8 weeks since I lost the last one at 7 weeks and found out at 9. 

Hoping all of your babies are healthy and sticky!

[apmama07]

Welcome to all the new mamas, wishing you all sticky babes!

AFM cutting and pasting my vent from main PAL board....

I'm in a freak-out tailspin today. I was doing so well. Sigh. Third beta came back with good (enough) doubling hcg (5,066, doubling time went from 42 hrs to 62 hrs) but progesterone (which was already not great at 13.9 then 15.7) dropping to 12! Same thing it did last time at this point, only it's even lower to begin with. My RE doesn't believe in progesterone supp in most cases, I think he sees it as sort of throwing bad money after good, kwim? I tend to agree with him but....

And my symptoms have been pretty weak this week, I've had a couple days of just not feeling pregnant, and I've never felt the presence of this baby like I did the last one. It's just feeling too much like the losses where it's all winding down instead of up, you know? I'd been keeping all of that paranoia at bay but then this dropping progesterone thing brought it all flooding in. And meanwhile my belly's all bruised and sore from shooting myself with blood thinners twice a day, and poor DD says I don't love her anymore because I've been so stringently limiting nursing. And now I'm feeling like it's all for nothing. I'm going to loose this one too, I can just feel it. How do you know where the line is between gut instinct and obsessive worry?

So I have an appointment to see the RE and do an u/s Wednesday, when I should be 6.5 weeks. I'm just trying to go about my business and assume I'm going to miscarry any time now, or they're going to show me some sort of non-viable on the u/s. This is the same time something went wrong with the last two. I feel so defective. And everyone but DH IRL is sooooo far from understanding where I'm at! They all don't really want to say anything to me because they're thinking the same thing: she's going to loose another one, here we go again.

[xakana]

I have to share my good news: I'm six weeks and still very pregnant. This is my week. Six weeks. This is the week I have to get through, then I'm hoping I can stop nearly bursting into tears every time I start cramping. Maybe I can stop obsessively looking every time I wipe. I threw one in without looking, half asleep this morning and freaked out for a moment before I let it go. I'm trying to move past day by day to week by week. I want so much to move to week by week. Six weeks, it means a lot to me. I can't believe I've made it this far...

[SoCaliMommy]

 Megan~  Somoene told me many things can effect the level your given from a blood draw for progesterone and to try to not worry about the low #.  I have a friend who with her pregnancy with one son it didn't go over 20 the whole first trimester. Hoping your not going to lose this baby. 

[travisannaharvey]

Hi everyone. I've been reading through this thread this morning trying to wrap my head around my own feelings this pregnancy. I'm 7 weeks tomorrow and I have so much anxiety. I hate the not being able to predict or control the outcome of this pregnancy and I'm struggling with "being in the moment" and "accepting what is." I have one darling and delightful 7 year old boy, lost a baby in a m/c at 12 weeks last Mar/Apr, and now am pregnant for the 3rd time. Everytime I've been pregnant has been at the exact same time of year, so there's a lot of memory imprinting with the seasons and what I was doing when the last miscarriage happened, etc. 

So, I carry on, try to be in this moment, and after reading today realize that the best medicine for my heart is to allow myself to connect with this little one. Really acknowledge his/her presence (I've been a bit in denial about the pregnancy) and love her/him up for as long I get the chance. 

I'm finding it interesting that so many of you already have doctor/midwife appointments scheduled. I wasn't really planning to call the midwife until next month sometime. What are everyone's plans for healthcare during this pregnancy and what are your decision points for when to start prenatal care with a healthcare provider?

[Hykue]

apmama:  I sure hope you're wrong.  And I think it's pretty likely that gut instinct and obsessive worry are one and the same for you, on this one issue, at this point.  I don't know you, but it really seems to me that our instincts about pregnancy are usually masked by our expectations.  If you are expecting a loss after your progesterone levels and your previous losses, it seems likely that that expectation is producing those feelings that seem like a gut instinct.  I don't know that, of course, but that would be my guess.

xakana:  I'm glad that you're getting closer to the time when you'll feel safer.

I dreamed last night that I started bleeding, bright red blood.  I woke up and had to go check just to be sure I wasn't actually.  I wasn't, but it didn't make me feel very good anyway.  I'm still pretty symptomatic, exhaustion, hunger, tingly nipples (on and off), and headaches.  So I guess I'm still just truckin' along.  I have a doctor's appointment on Monday, and I'm hoping he'll know some way to reassure me . . . if I can just suspend my disbelief.  I'm really hoping that all this feeling headachey is a good sign, because if it's not then it would seem a little unfair.

[tank]

I am going to see my midwife at 7 weeks on monday.  the only reason I am going so soon is because after my m/c I never saw her and she wants to see me early because I never got my check up I guess.  I am sort of glad that I get to see her so early because last time I didn't get to see her at all because my first appointment was for 12 weeks and I lost the baby. 

I am feeling pretty good about my pregnancy.  I went out and looked at maternity clothes at old navy and target and bought a bella band.  I don't need it yet because all my pants are loose anyway.  I also bought a couple of cute onsies that were on clearance at old navy. Retail therapy usually doesn't work for me but in this instance I think it did.  It made me feel more confident about keeping this baby.  Also today while I was at the roller derby I sat behind a couple with a little boy and we made faces at each other and it made me tear up a little.  damn these hormones.

[Motivated Mama]

Hi ladies. I just found out that I am pregnant today. I should have started af on Friday. I have three beautiful children followed by one loss at 8 weeks last August.
I'm still in shock. I haven't told DH yet and I'm not sure when and how I am going to tell him. I'm nervous about losing this baby and I'm nervous that something will be wrong with him/her. DD1 was and is extremely healthy. DS had a congenital kidney defect and has some slight learning and occupational disabilities. DD2 had a congenital heart defect requiring surgery to repair her aorta. Then I had a miscarriage. It seems like with each pregnancy, I have a worse outcome. My mother lost a child at 3 days old to a congenital heart defect so I have an idea how bad it can be. How can I ease my worries?

[berry987]

My loss was in Dec. 09 at 13 weeks. Saw the heartbeat on a 7 week ultrasound, then went back at 13 weeks for genetic testing and there was no heartbeat. That would have been my fourth child.

I found out this past Wed that I am pregnant again, but on Friday I started cramping and bleeding. It stopped by Sat morning, so I'm not sure if I'm still pregnant or not. We just moved to a new state so I don't even have a midwife yet (or Gyn for that matter). Besides getting my HCG levels checked next week (I guess I just need to call around and see if someone will send me to get them checked) or an ultrasound, does anyone know how else I can find out if I'm still pregnant? The wait is killing me.