Where is the simplicity?

[mamatoemily]

I joined the online world of Mothering a while ago in the hopes of getting good tips from like-minded mothers, however I find as I browse the various posts that I am starting to get worried about everything!  When does my baby go to sleep, how many times a day she nurses, what will happen when we try and stop co-sleeping...etc.  My mother always says to me that she and my dad never gave anything another thought doing all the same stuff I am, and that we all weaned/went to our own rooms etc naturally...so why is it that it seems to be so difficult now?  Why can't I just have the peace of mind to "go with the flow" and not worry about what a book says, or a website, or another mother.  Anyone else find reading these forums sometimes complicate life?  Maybe I should just stick to reading things I actually am seeking information on rather than "looking ahead"....

[kristandthekids]

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Edited by kristandthekids - 1/16/13 at 8:05pm

[ChelseaWantsOut]

My DH used to beg me to stop reading these forums because I would start obsessing over every little thing and thinking there was something wrong with me or DS. I think at some point I just stopped taking everything to heart so much? Maybe when I read the no-cry sleep solution and she says if she had it to do over again her kids would probably still be taking all their naps in arms until 1 year or whatever and you really have to evaluate whether stuff is actually a problem for you (paraphrase, obvs). I realized that the way we're doing things suits us fine as far as sleep and everything else goes, and if at some point it stops suiting us we can work on changing it then!

[mamatoemily]

Yes, this is my first...and I thought I was pretty chill until I started to obsess over these forums. I've skimmed through No Cry Baby Solution even though my DD doesn't have any sleep problems yet, and I do let her nap a lot in my arms and wouldn't change a thing.  I think maybe as a first time mom you realize your limitations and worry that your natural instincts could be creating a problem in the future...I just shouldn't worry so much.  

[goinggreengirl]

Sometimes they make me worry (first time mom here too) but I just remind myself that, no matter what, my son is going to grow up. It doesn't matter if we have a hard time transitioning from co sleeping to his own bed because EVENTUALLY he will want his own space. It doesn't matter if he is still not eating solids regularly at 11 months because EVENTUALLY he will want to and will.

And, no matter what comes your way, you will get through it! And, when she asks you 20 some years from now, you'll say everything was fine and normal!

[Aliy]

i am neurotic about somethings.. like leaving my children with people and their safety. but as for sleeping feeding eating and all that i'm a go with the flow person.

Now people are likley going to be suggesting things left right and center and will always have a solution to your problems. this i thknk is where a lot of the stress comes from.

i was a bit more stressed with my first but honstly I just got lazy trying to keep up with all the requirements and suggestions....

[Knitting Mama]

I totally, totally get you. I have an anxiety issue anyway, and of course, it transfers full force onto my daughter. I do worry about so many things, but when I step back and look as objectively as I can, it becomes clear that I have also come a long way from the very neurotic and control freak person I was before Cecilia. She has forced me to relax and go with the flow more than I ever could before, simply by being herself-- a baby who needs her mama all the time.

I also think it's true that it will be easier for me to go with the flow with the next baby, when I see that Cecilia hasn't been "broken" by my flubs.

[whozeyermamma]

I think I tend to swing back and forth between extremes (I am a Libra, after all.)

If you're talking about milestones, my DS (8 mo) is not talking, barely babbling, not crawling, clapping, waving. Sometimes I frantically worry about this (OH MY GOD HE'S AUTISTIC!!!) and sometimes I forget to even think about it. Is he clapping? (Uh, I have no idea. Uh. I guess not.)

It does help that he's my second. I the analogy of the cookie on the floor! I have to say that when people ask me if he's crawling yet - I instantly think back to DD and when she crawled and the fact that her favorite thing to do now (at age 7) is to swing as high as she can and then hurl herself into space. Hmmm... didn't matter whether she crawled at 10 mo or 8 mo when she's hurtling through the air.

I think that it helps me to know - oh, ok, I'm freaking out about this a little and then it helps me to put it in persepctive. I also think it helps that when you have one child already you know what's really important to you and what's not.

If you're freaking out about things to come, then stop reading those threads. "I'll jump off that bridge when I get to it," I sometimes say. It is hard. It's natural for most people to worry about whether our kids are OK. Good luck!!!

[asraidevin]

I get all freaked out at times because my 11 month old is only babbling, not even attempting words. My DD 8-yr was saying mama, dada, baba for things by this age. But she was way calmer, she'd sit for books. My son grabs books out of my hands and throws them on the floor.

This puts it into perspective. He will speak eventually. We can't change him or make him go on our time line. if he does have a disability we can't change that either, I should just enjoy him as he is. Cuddled up with me as he sleeps.
 

Originally Posted by whozeyermamma 

If you're talking about milestones, my DS (8 mo) is not talking, barely babbling, not crawling, clapping, waving. Sometimes I frantically worry about this (OH MY GOD HE'S AUTISTIC!!!) and sometimes I forget to even think about it. Is he clapping? (Uh, I have no idea. Uh. I guess not.)

It does help that he's my second. I the analogy of the cookie on the floor! I have to say that when people ask me if he's crawling yet - I instantly think back to DD and when she crawled and the fact that her favorite thing to do now (at age 7) is to swing as high as she can and then hurl herself into space. Hmmm... didn't matter whether she crawled at 10 mo or 8 mo when she's hurtling through the air.

I think that it helps me to know - oh, ok, I'm freaking out about this a little and then it helps me to put it in persepctive. I also think it helps that when you have one child already you know what's really important to you and what's not.

If you're freaking out about things to come, then stop reading those threads. "I'll jump off that bridge when I get to it," I sometimes say. It is hard. It's natural for most people to worry about whether our kids are OK. Good luck!!!

[MJB]

Originally Posted by kristandthekids 

Is it your first?

I love the saying:
With your first child, if they drop a cookie on the floor you throw it away and get them a new cookie.
With your second, if they drop a cookie on the floor you pick it up, brush it off, and give it back to them.
With your third, you pick up the child and put them on the floor with the cookie.

I was the most neurotic jewish mother ever with my first. She had some problems in infancy which reinforced that for me. But time will bring confidence. More children will force you to chill out and go with the flow 'cuz there ain't no controlin the flow once they outnumber you.

I bet your mother and father worried too. It's just long ago and far away for them.

Haha, I'm on my third baby and that quote is 100% truth. 
 

[Nicole730]

For me, I got way more anxious with my second pregnancy because of these boards and I started questioning everything.  I had no "fear" of miscarriage with my first and with my second I was convinced something was going to go wrong (it didn't).

With my parenting, I'm pretty confident and don't really question much. 

I love that cookie quote, awesome.

[Adaline'sMama]

Originally Posted by kristandthekids 

Is it your first?

I love the saying:
With your first child, if they drop a cookie on the floor you throw it away and get them a new cookie.
With your second, if they drop a cookie on the floor you pick it up, brush it off, and give it back to them.
With your third, you pick up the child and put them on the floor with the cookie.

I was the most neurotic jewish mother ever with my first. She had some problems in infancy which reinforced that for me. But time will bring confidence. More children will force you to chill out and go with the flow 'cuz there ain't no controlin the flow once they outnumber you.

I bet your mother and father worried too. It's just long ago and far away for them.

Wow, this makes me feel like Im slacking. I totally put my (first) kid on the floor with a cookie.

I do worry about a lot of stuff too, but Ive found that it works better for me to stay "ahead" on the forums. My babe is almost one, and I look at the toddler forums more than I do Life with a Babe, just because Im trying to make desicions about things before they come along (sometimes that doesnt work :)) and the toddler forum makes me feel more prepared. Also, not to offend any other first time moms, but I tend to take the advice of posters who have more than one kid a little more seriously. I assume people take my advice with a grain of salt, since Im a first time mom with a less than one year old.

[Knitting Mama]

I don't know, I would think that if you've had experience with whatever the particular subject is that's being talked about, your insight would be helpful regardless of the number of children you've raised. It only takes one carseat screamer, for example, to be able to offer sympathy and advice to a mom experiencing the same.

[kristandthekids]

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Edited by kristandthekids - 1/16/13 at 7:59pm

[hippiemum21580]

As for the cookie qoute......i have five little boys ten and under.....I just put the cookies straight on the floor at this point. ;) As for the obsessing. I tend to only read the posts that actually apply to me.

[whozeyermamma]

I just had to post this because it was so funny. In my reply yesterday I used the example of not even knowing whether DS was clapping or not.

Well, he started clapping LAST NIGHT!

I think the moral being that everything changes SO fast! You can't worry about one thing because you blink and then it's something else.

[mamatoemily]

Woo hoo to clapping!!!!!! 

I am reading The Continuum Concept and found this quote interesting by the author who did many expeditions in the jungle...."I would be ashamed to admit to the Indians that where I came from the women do not feel themselves capable of raising children until they read the instructions written in a book by a strange man."  Anyone else reading/read this book?  I am really enjoying it...finding it calms my paranoia!!!!

[tzs]

Originally Posted by mamatoemily 

Woo hoo to clapping!!!!!! 

I am reading The Continuum Concept and found this quote interesting by the author who did many expeditions in the jungle...."I would be ashamed to admit to the Indians that where I came from the women do not feel themselves capable of raising children until they read the instructions written in a book by a strange man."  Anyone else reading/read this book?  I am really enjoying it...finding it calms my paranoia!!!!

while i totally want to read the CC, i think that quote is kind of like comparing apples and oranges. fact is, in traditional cultures and in our culture until fairly recently, children were brought up in large families, potentially with extended families, and because of that were privy to all sorts of learning experiences related to raising children. if you had 9 brothers and sisters, you would have grown up seeing your parents raise children, nurse children, potty train children....all that stuff. with the majority of families in our modern society having their 2.5 children in fairly close succession, you don't learn childrearing (just like many of us never learned how to cook, sew, build houses etc... from our mothers and fathers like we used to) hence the need for books and web forums (and even those weird home ec. labs they used to have at colleges where women would "raise" practice babies from orphanages.)

i see it enough in my community to know it to be true. while i come from a modern family of two kids with a working mom, i am part of a chassidic jewish community where families are often comprised of 9, 10, 11, or more kids. and those kids when grown DO have a confidence in raising a family that i don't have. they also then have a very experienced mother (and aunts and grandmother and other relatives) who often remain very close and help out tremendously. they have no need for books and MDC like i might.

[cocoanib]

I'm a first time Mama and reading this forum does the opposite for me. I find it calming and reassuring. It helps me to see other Mamas dealing with like issues and see different perspectives on how they handled things. I take some things I read from here and leave others.  

[Triceratops]

I havent had time to read through all the comments - but I did see the one where it says that this is your first baby (congrats!) and I just wanted to say that it does get easier with time. :) In the end, take the suggestions for their advice but you should do whatever you feel is best for you and your baby. Your baby is unique! And though may be like other babies in ways - will follow their own path. You are the mama, and you know the baby best :) So just take a deep breath and do what you think is best, and what keeps baby happy. :)