Due in May with #2 and getting worried about life with a 23-month-old and newborn

[atlantafemme]

So I've been reading this board and seeing a lot of folks talking about how hard it is to manage a toddler and a newborn. I'm about to be in the position myself and was wondering if anyone has had not-so-hellish experiences with this? Any advice from more experienced mamas?

Some background on us: My son will be 23 months when #2 arrives (in 9 weeks). DS is very verbal for his age but he has been hitting and kicking lately when he gets frustrated or tired. He goes through phases of not wanting to brush his teeth or only eating certain things or wanting to be carried all the time (all normal toddler stuff I think) but otherwise, he's a pretty easy kid. I can usually snap him out of his tantrums just by offering distractions and he (finally) sleeps fairly well and through the night in bed with us. 

I have the usual worries: that he'll feel loved less or left out, that he'll act out toward the newborn, that I'll lose my mind trying to meet both of their needs. (DS was a constant nurser and a terrible sleeper in his first year so I suppose I'm assuming DS #2 will be that way as well.)

Should I just accept that it's going to be HARD for a while? 

[mckittre]

Just stepping in to give a positive perspective.  My 2 are 22.5 months apart (so almost exactly the same as yours).  The little one is 2 months old.  And really, so far it's fine.  Neither of mine are particularly difficult, the toddler's been nothing but nice to the baby (he will scream sometimes when she's crying, and sometimes wants to nurse at the same time as her), and while it's certainly more work than just one kid, it's not horrible.  It may get worse over here as development changes.  And kids and babies vary.  But it's not always that bad. 

[lach]

My first two are 19 months apart and #2 and #3 are 20 months apart.

3 that close in age is hard, and I don't entirely recommend it.  But I actually thought it was a great spacing to have two under two.

In both cases of bringing a baby home with a child under 2, the baby is an interesting object of curiosity in short bursts.  Both older kids were very protective of the baby.  My oldest would get very annoyed at me when the baby did not have a toy at all times.  And yes, we're talking a little newborn. My daughter, who was 19, 20, 21 months or so would say "Where is baby's toy?" and give me this "look" that quite clearly said "Hey, lady.  I am judging you, and find your basic parenting standards inadequate.  Please try to be more mindful in the future that the baby needs a toy."  The main problem there was that then she'd run and get the baby a toy, and sometimes it would be a big heavy wooden thing that she's try to clunk on top of the baby.  So I made sure that there was always a small, soft toy that DD could give to the baby.

DS's main interaction with the baby is that sometime he'll see her, and his face will light up, and he'll exclaim "Baby!" and stare at her for a moment.  And then he'll dash off to go o something else.

I had a hard time finding books that I liked.  Most books about new baby brothers and sisters are for older kids.  They're about a level of jealousy and resentment that I don't think my under 2 year old understood.  An awful lot also include scenes where the older sibling hits the baby or screams at it or something that I didn't necessarily want to put in their heads.  Not that not sharing those books prevented it or anything: I just didn't want to be the one who put that idea out there.  "I'm a Big Sister Now" was my very favorite, and quickly became DD's favorite.  She slept with it every night for months.  DS liked "I'm a Big Brother Now."  These books get a lot of hate on here, because the baby is clearly bottle fed.  However, it was overall the best book for the age in terms of describing in very simple terms what a baby does, and in instilling some ownership of the baby that I thought was healthy.  None of my kids have ever had a bottle, and people do all sorts of funny things in stories, so it's not something I sweated.

I don't know your TV values, but it became an invaluable resource for me to "babysit" the older kids and keep them out of trouble when I need/ed to tend to the baby.  Especially as the baby gets a little older and is a little tougher to put down for naps.  I'd set DD up with a snack and turn on the TV and hope it kept her quiet long enough for the baby to fall asleep.  Really, don't sweat little things like junk food and TV.  In the scheme of things, it's no big deal.  If it something that you care about, it doesn't last forever.

I don't know your living arrangements, but having a back yard made things a lot easier for us.  While the baby slept, DD and I could go outside and she could get a lot of energy out and I could bring the monitor and still hear DS.  With DD2 born in October, we haven't been able to do that, and we're all going stir crazy.

So I want to say that I actually didn't find it all that hard.  Going to the supermarket was the biggest logistical nightmare of two, and if you think about that it's really not that bad :)

[atlantafemme]

Thank you both for your reassuring replies! Lach, is this the book you're talking about: http://www.amazon.com/Im-Big-Brother-Joanna-Cole/dp/0061900656 ? I don't mind about the bottle-feeding references. I'm fine with explaining to my son that some families are different from us or do things differently and that differences are okay. Plus, I'm hoping to pump more with #2 so we'll be using a bottle sometimes for that. 

And going to the supermarket is already hard with my one toddler! I'm thinking we'll just be finding ways for either me or my partner to make those trips solo for a while. :) 

[lach]

Yes, that's the book. I really liked it: there's no plot, it's just told from the point of view of the older sibling (there's a girl version and a boy version which are the same except the words brother/sister and the illustrations) about being proud to be a big brother/sister.  It's just very calm, and written at the level of a very small child.  "Can I hold the baby?  I must ask Mommy first."  "Sometimes the baby cries.  Daddy says babies cry to tell us something.  Let's see what's wrong."  "I can sing little baby songs."  "I'm a big brother.  I can eat pizza and apples and ice cream."  Those are from memory, so maybe not an exact quote, but the whole thing is written like that and I think it's easy for a young toddler to understand.

Good luck, and remember that you'll get through it!  I do want to warn you that, for my kids, the jealousy didn't start until DS was mobile.  DD was Little Miss Maternal while he was a little lump... but as soon as he could get to her toys it was aaaall over.  Hah hah.

[NaturalMama311]

DD is almost 2 1/2 and we just had our second in January.  I also feared the jealousy, not being able to trust her around the baby, etc. but she ADORES her little brother more than I can even explain.  She always wants to hold him, hug him and kiss him.  In fact, she HAS to give him hugs and kisses before bedtime and naps (not even I get that most days!)  We've had our moments where she's been a tad bit jealous, or just wanted my attention but I was nursing and couldn't get up and play with her right at that moment - but those times are to be expected with a child of any age. 

One thing that really helped us was to get her a baby doll a few months before DS was born.  We showed her how to hold a baby, taught her not to throw the baby doll, not to hit it, etc. - basically taught her how to be gentle.  So when the real baby came along she already had some sort of idea of how to be gentle with the baby and what kinds of things would hurt him. 

She also gets a lot more attention from DH than she did before DS was born so I think that's helped a lot.  As with most men he doesn't feel as comfortable with a newborn as the mom does.  So he's kind of taken over more responsibilities with DD like bath times, bed time, story times and even getting her dressed in the morning.  I think that extra Daddy time has helped to offset the Mommy time that she's not getting as much of since DS was born. 

[Greenlea]

My two are 19mths apart.  It can be hard in the beginning, especially with sleep deprivation and nursing a new baby.  But it really does get better!  And easier!

I know every child is different.  My older son would get jealous when I nursed in the beginning, but now that my son is almost 4 mths old he is not jealous anymore and is more curious about the baby eating.  He's really good and giving him his toys or binky and will get upset if we try to leave the house without the baby.  What saved me too in the beginning was using a baby carrier so I could still be hands on with my older child while tending to the needs of a newborn.  Now that my NB is older though, I don't use the carrier nearly as much except if going out like to the store.

My saving grace was also my DH, so hopefully you have support in that way too.  He took care of my toddler son the whole first week while I slept alot and bonded with my NB.  I also had my cousin and mom come a couple days the second week once my DH went back to work.  After that I was tired but my toddler is great at napping so that helps alot.

Good luck mama - it can be difficult in the beginning but I think you'll find it does get easier.

[peainthepod]

Mine are about 23 months apart and my baby just turned four months. I found it hard. Not unbearably hard, but I needed DH to step in and take over sometimes so I could get a break. I got touched out a lot, especially at first. DS weaned himself during my pregnancy, but I still found it really challenging to nurse my hungry newborn and still meet his needs all the time. We relied a lot on the meals I made and froze during the pregnancy. I had to let my housekeeping standards slide for awhile. We unashamedly used disposable diapers (instead of the usual cloth) on really tough days. But we got through it.

Things are much easier now, and although I still have my days where I want to run screaming into the woods and never come back, they're much rarer than they were. As with DS, wearing DD is invaluable, both for bonding and for being able to multitask. I don't usually have time to struggle with the wrap, so I was thrilled when DD was finally big enough to put in the Ergo without the infant insert (at about 12 weeks, I think). It's buckle, snap, and go.

I will second the Joanna Cole recommendation; the bottlefeeding aspect isn't a dealbreaker for me--when I read it to him, I just change the line to "baby needs a nurse" instead of "baby needs a bottle". I also sometimes pump milk for DH or the sitter to feed to DD, so it's not like bottles always equal formula feeding in my family. I'm a Big Brother is still one of DS's favorite books and I think it really helped him understand his role, and DD's. There's also a Mercer Mayer book called The New Baby that we like, although that too features a bottle instead of the breast (Or teats, since I think they're supposed to be weasels or hedgehogs or something.  ).

Good luck, mama, and congratulations on your pregnancy! You'll do fine.

[atlantafemme]

Thanks again for the additional replies. I'm feeling less frightened now though I know adding a second babe is definitely going to turn our current world upside down. We'll get through it eventually! 

Peainthepod, I was planning on using my Ergo right off the bat or at least a lot sooner than 12 weeks. I didn't have it with the my first (we got it when he was 8 months) but I assumed with the infant insert, I could use it earlier than 3 months. Was it a size issue for you or do I have to wait for some amount of head control before I can pop him in there? Thanks!

[peainthepod]

We use the infant insert until the babe has enough head control that she's not flopping around or getting her face lost against your chest. I seem to recall that happening at about three months, but of course yours might grow differently!

[peainthepod]

Actually, I should say that I hate the infant insert so until about three months, I use a wrap or a pouch sling almost exclusively. 

[lach]

One of the funny things is that your older child will seem SO OLD. I remember the first time I changed DD after DS was born (and it was a few weeks, because I had had a C and couldn't lift her to the changing table... convenient, eh?) and there was this GIANT CHILD on my changing table and I just thought "what is wrong with this kid? Why isn't she potty trained yet? It is positively INDECENT that I am changing someone this old." She was only a year and a half old! It's just hard not to compare. My mother has a story about asking me to make her a cup of coffee one day right after my sister was born. I was 3, and she was being totally serious.

Those stories are kind of funny, but both times I had a new baby and there were one or two older kids, it really took some effort to remember that the older children are still babies, too. That means that not only should they not be expected to use the coffee maker, they don't really understand what's going on all the time, and they still need to be babied.

[peainthepod]

Ha! So true, lach. I just changed my 2yo's diaper and was once again astonished by how huge he seems after changing DD. It's like there's a little grown man on the changing pad... 

[penstamon]

Haha, I'm right there with you- could've written your post expect mine will be 21-22 months apart.  I am expecting it to be difficult, but it will go by so quickly and then they will grow up :( so try to think of how special this time is.  Sure, your first will get jealous, act out etc but this is natural and you will all be fine.  FWIW, I loved my moby wrap in the beginning and didn't start with the ergo until maybe 4 months or so.  We also used a bjorn, ring sling and pouch but I found the moby was best in the beginning.  We are lucky to have babes in May when the weather will be nice.  I plan on lots of outside time even if that means DS is doing all the playing and I am just sitting and nursing.  I think it will be a very special summer with both little ones and one that I will fondly look back on, forgetting the sleep deprivation, hazy brain, fat tummy, and frustration.

My DS is/was a terrible sleeper too so I'm just expecting it this time around.  Maybe we will get lucky with mellow second LOs...