Please Help Me Like My Three Year Old - Page 2

[organizingchaos]

Something I often forget when giving either-or instructions to my ds is to give him choices instead. Do you want to brush your teeth first or have your story first? We co sleep, so this is probably not the best example... but the idea is to give him options instead of ultimatums. I am still working on that myself.

[cino]

Hello. I read your blog on your 3.5 yr old.  I would like to know how things have gone since you wrote this? I am an American living in Australia. I have 6 grandchildren. Only 1 out of the 6 are exactly like your child. I think you said it was a son. My 3.5 granddaughter is doing EXACTLY the same things. She has temper tantrums, won't listen, throws toys, throws food, has to take all the clothes out the drawers and wardrobes, makes a mess on purpose, won't listen, etc.  She is having some real bahaviour issues at the moment. This is my daughte'rs only child, and I am very thankful at this stage she does not have another baby to cope with. My daughter is going out of her mind. My daughter has taken her 3.5 yr old to a couple of doctors. One doctor said it is normal behaviour for her age and it just might be a phase she is going through and may get over it. However, another doctor told her it is NOT normal behaviour for her age, and has sent her to a child psychologist, as she thinks perhaps my granddaughter has ADHD, ODD, or even something like Autism or Aspergers. I must say, it has been really refreshing to hear other women with children like this, and the other comments I read gave hope that it will pass. My daughter is also seeing a paediatrician in 2 weeks to see if there is anything wrong with this child. I am fearing that she may indeed have something mentall wrong, as there are days when she is a disaster, like puporsely making a mess, always says no, refuses to listen, etc. She has improved a bit in some things over the past few weeks, like hitting and spitting. She no longer does this, however there are other things she is doing in lieu of this.  She has always been a very hyper child since birth, and has always loved to throw things. However, with the doctor saying this is not normal behaviour, it is a worry. After reading all the comments on here, and mothers saying it IS normal behaviour and it will pass, has given me a ray of hope. I was just wondering how your child is going and if you have found any really good ideas to help.  Also, my daughter has a good homeopath that she has been going to for years, and this woman has been a homeopath for over 40 years. After hearing about my granddaughter's behaviour, she said right away that in her opinion it was ADHD, and ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder).  She has put the little one on some herbal drops to calm her down. This homeopath said that more & more she is getting children like this with ADHD & ODD, and she has helped so many children with these herbs. My granddaughter has only been on them for 10 days.  The things is, some days she is "perfect" and like an angel. She will listen, be happy, do everything right and everything asked. Then other days, she is a TERROR.  The doctor said this can be the behaviour of children with ADHD/ODD, autism and aspergers. However, the other doctor said it could be just a phase she is going through. She is the sweetest little girl you could ever imagine. Even the doctor said today that she is the sweetest girl she has ever seen, and then other days, wow....complete opposite. Please let me know how things are going. Thank you.  Cino

[cino]

Hello... I read your comment about your 3.5 yr old. Could you please read my comment on the last page (as it's too long to repeat), and let me know how your little one is going? I would like to hear any help or comments from other women with children like my granddaughter. Thank you.  CINO

[cino]

Hello... I read your comment on your 3.5 year old daughter. Could you please read my comment (it's proably on the last page and too long to write again), and please let me know how your daughter is doing. I would love to hear from mothers with children just like my 3.5 yr old granddaughter. Thank you. CINO

[Shirley Luxem]

Your 3 yr old needs one thing. YOU! He needs to get firmly connected to you. The worse he gets, the more you reject him, and the worse he gets. You need to start at the core of the problem which is his FEAR of having lost your love. And, yes, he needs to KNOW you mean what you say. All the difficulties you are having with him come from the same dynamic. This isn't about what to do about each particular behavior. This is about what to do about the RELATIONSHIP. This is not a behavior problem. There really are no such things. It is always about the relationship. ALL BEHAVIOR IS AIMED AT MEETING SOME NEED and your little boy is lost in figuring out how to meet his needs. All this maddening stuff you see is his frantic attempts to meet his needs and of course we know he's way off track. I have a website  parenttrainingseattle and most of your answers are there.Also, get your hands on this book ASAP  HOLD ON TO YOUR KIDS By Gordon Neufeld. See his website, too. This can all be "fixed" when you come to see what's going on with your beloved little boy and can begin to WORK WITH him and stop DOING TO HIM. He's lost in the woods right now and YOU can rescue him! 

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by puddle 

 I did find it amusing that in the part I read, the only advice the author had for dealing with a 3.5 year was to put the kid in daycare or hire a babysitter.    At this age, it's all about control.  3.5 year olds are desperate for control and it makes them totally psycho. 

I haven't read past this sentence. THANK YOU for writing it out. My ds just turned 3, but he's always been a tad ahead so he's acting in all the ways that pp's described - it's difficult at times. Thank goodness for co-sleeping though, I can climb into bed and see my sweet innocent 3yo sleeping - and its so nice to feel like he's actually sweet at the end of the day!

[GoBecGo]

Nothing much to add but that my DD was just-4 when her little sister arrived and i would say that 6-10 weeks after the birth was HELL in terms of her behaviour.  The honeymoon of having a new baby sister was over but the bond between them was still barely-there.  She was awful.  AWFUL.  Everything you describe - shouting, kicking, running off and HIDING in stores (terrifying!), drawing and painting all over the walls of our home, chucking stuff all over so i'd have to clean it up.

Bottom line, for us - she needed to FEEL loved.  She needed massive reassurance that she'd been given a sister not stripped of a parent.  She still struggles occasionally, and DD2 is 20months, but ultimately giving her as much time as i possibly possibly could, and time to get used to the new dynamic, were what helped.

Deep breaths.  Hug everyone.  Be gentle with them all and ESPECIALLY with yourself.  This time will pass.

[Subhuti]

If you get more strict, you are going to get MORE problems.  

Yes, I believe that firm boundaries and expectations are necessary.  But done with as much kindness and gentleness and calmness as you can muster given the circumstances.

Here is why:  I had my second child when my eldest was 2.  My girls are now 5 and 7.  For my 7 year-old, in retrospect, the birth of her little sister was DEVASTATING.  Because she was so consistantly emotionally cruel to her little sister, we finally consulted with a psychotherapist.  The woman almost laughed -- she said, of course your daughter is upset at her little sister -- she took away her mom and dad!  It's an incredibly difficult transition for many kids.  She has lost exclusive rights to mom and dad.  

The old analogy is that imagine if your husband decided to have a second wife.  Yes, he would be psyched.  And yes, perhaps you would have more help in the house and a new friend.  But primarily, you would be SO hurt.  

What your child really needs, IMO, in addition to some good gentle discipline, is an outlet for all these feelings.  For us, things started to improve with our eldest when we regularly sat down alone with her and had a heart-to-heart and asked her to talk about how hard it was to have lost us when her little sister was born and how she had to share us.  And to not convince her that "oh how nice it was to have a little playmate," but just to 100% agree how darn hard it was for her.

We ultimately brought our daughter to a therapist for a couple of sessions, which quickly (from what I understand, I wasn't in the room) focused on how hard it was to have a little sister.  There was no lecturing on proper behavior etc, she just got a chance to be heard and to know that she was recognized in her pain.

After this, things improved SO much in our house.