When your S/O doesn't share your dream

[Ldavis24]

I have become progressively more fascinated/enthralled with the idea of yurt living. As well as self sufficiency and living almost off the grid (I am not willing to part with my plumbing or electricity, although I guess there is always wind/solar etc to handle that). 

The more I read/study on the subject the more I fantasize about it. I am coming into an inheritance within a few years and it will be sizable enough that I could buy a large tract of land and still have enough to do a yurt or if DH flat out refused to do a yurt then build our own fairly self contained house.

I want to live as far away from civilization as is practical and possible. The problem, DH...He looks at me like I am crazy whenever I even mention the word yurt (which is often). Last night we got into it again and of course it spiraled into a decent argument about goals and dreams we have for our (collectively) future. I want DD to grow up with animals we raise and eat. I want to garden in a huge way not just tiny plots, but enough to feed our family for the year. 

DH wants his PS3 and the comforts of having pizza delivered whenever he feels like it, get the idea. He said over his dead body would he ever live in a yurt. I asked about living pretty far from anything civilized, he said he REFUSES to have DD homeschooled so we at least need to live close enough to a school for her (another fight for another day). 

This is killing me, DH is so against it on so many levels and I feel like it is all I want for my life. We are so young, both 25) that I am worried this is going to be a festering issue for me because it is not something I can let go of. This is my dream, how do you let go of that?

I get that it isn't DH's dream but if we are going to stay married and be together how can we both be happy without the other one feeling like we never really got what we wanted out of our lives. 

Have you ever dealt with a spouse is really not cool with living off the grid let alone living in a yurt? I want it so badly, but it isn't worth it to me I guess if DH isn't with me, however if resentment builds for years because I just let it go I can see that killing our marriage in the long run.

Ok so maybe I don't even have a question to ask, just a vent about how far apart we are on some issues and ones that really matter to me.

[lovelylisa]

I don't know if this helps... I know it's tough. I fantasize about moving away and living off the land and making our own way of life..much like you do. DH kind of agrees with me, but nowhere near the extent I do. It frustrates me but it also keeps me grounded a little bit. Since I Know he will have to deal with it too, I have to make smaller steps instead of biting off more than I can chew. While I'd quit my job tomorrow and go move out to the country and immediately construct solar panels and a huge garden and chickens, and cows and etc.... DH reminds me that maybe I should move slower... maybe read a book about gardens and plant something that doesn't die first.

I guess what I'm rambling about is that maybe you could make small steps to make you happy and keep your DH from going too crazy. Then, maybe you wont get the completely off grid yurt of your dreams but maybe a yurt with a special PS3 game room for him:)

[MovnMama]

Seriously, I could have written your post word for word. Well, except the game console, we don't have one of those. DH is closer than yours to the idea of living in the country, but I don't think I'll ever win on the off-grid idea. I might get him all the way to a propane stove/fridge and a generator, but that's years of working on him. He's less like, "no way," and more like, "sure honey... someday." Which is him saying no way without having to be the bad guy. He's really good at that!

We are no where near living off grid, but yurt living in specific is my dream. I'm not married to the idea of off grid living permanently, but I'd like to be in a less dependent situation, for sure. Just recently we got into it over the "y-word" - I feel like he's dismissive and he's sick of my crazy schemes. This is the plan I proposed as a resolution and I'm pretty happy with the results. My proposal was for us to have a date/discussion - no kids, no phone, just us, hashing it out. What we discussed was, in order...

1. All our life goals and ambitions, for both of us, individual and group. (there ended up being about 8 total)

2. Which of those were short term goals (less than five years)

3. Which of those were long term goals (more than five years)

What came from the discussion is that, like pp have stated, while we'd move out and do it tomorrow, our spouses are not coming that quickly. Odd are, they will come eventually. Especially if some of their needs are met first! So this discussion did that for us. It helped, for one, clear up the idea that he is actually okay with a yurt situation, or even a cob/adobe house, but not in the location we live in now. Also, some of his dreams are very location-centric, as in, I want to live in the desert, or I want to live on the ocean/beach/coast. Well, now, we can discuss yurts in those locations? Yes we can! but he won't do it in Alaska. Okay, great - we are making progress on the issue! We just went from "no" to a serious "later" and helped identify/resolve some of his hangups about it.

Maybe if you have a dedicated conversation (avoiding an argument is the hard part here, I know) where he can share some goals and concerns, you can find some common ground too.

HTH!

[Momsteader]

MovnMama has some great suggestions! If you could discuss things rationally and make some lists, you might find more common ground.

There are also places where you could be away from things, but still have power available or school available.

For example, I just bought property in a small town in MT. I could have gone further out, but I don't mind being where I am as it's on almost 8 acres so no one is on top of me and I have plenty of space. I have services including slow but hey it's high-speed internet, but could go off-grid with power if I wished. There is a small 'country' school here (pre-K - 12the grade with 37 students total who come from up to 25 mi away). I live 65 miles from any 'big box' or chain stores of any kind. There are no covenants or restrictions on building. No permits needed. I can have whatever animals I want. I am sure there are plenty of places like this all over the country...probably near where you are too. You could get both 'worlds' and both be happy.

I would have your brainstorming session and see what might be able to work for both of you.

[Ldavis24]

Movnmama, thank you for the very practical advice.

We have not laid it out all on the table before because usually this conversation just turns into a fight that leaves both of us hurt and annoyed at the lack of understanding on the other side.

I sometime's wish I'd never even heard of a yurt or the idea of living on your own off the grid. The idea actually came from the people who made our wedding rings. A couple from Canada who live entirely off the grid and only have solar panels for their computer so they can run their jewelry making business over the internet. They are wonderful people and I actually became email buddies with them and have learned a lot.

We would be in the North East still as this is where both our hearts are and I could never move from here. 

I need to be more flexible I know, but at the same time he is so dismissive much like the PPs spouses have been.

I also like the idea of taking baby steps. We are going to do chickens next season and slaughter them ourselves (or I will be because DH says he "can't" kill animals he's raised)

I garden and want to get to the point where I can be really confident in my ability to feed the family from that angle. 

Thank you all so much for your kind words.

[Caneel]

In a round about way, I dealt with these type of issues at my former job - people who were so passionate about their dreams getting frustrated when partners weren't on board with the idea.

Is it possible for you to start practicing, so to speak, now by getting a job at a local farm or CSA program?  

[peacelovinmama]

This is my dream too!  I would say that you and your Dh can compromise and fuse your dreams together and be very happy.  I notice it's all about how I approach my Dh about "our future", sometimes I can overwhelm him : ).  You can have the country life and still be close enough to community/city, he can play his PS3 and you can make him a delicious homegrown pizza too!  First I would feed in to his ideas of living a little bit, let him know he does not have to give up everything.  There are some great magazines that you can subscribe to and leave around the house, Permaculture is one, Mother Earth News, these have great articles on fun DIY projects that most guys would find fun.  My Dh and I really like the idea of throwing big outdoor parties with a huge fire pit, earth oven, natural swimming pool and "hot tub", we love the idea of building fun structures on our property- treehouses, cob huts, yurts, etc., and then there's the practicality of it all, if you are self sustaining you are saving a lot of money on the basics of living and with the way our food industry is, growing your own food might be a necessity in the future.  I love the idea of being out far from everything but I do enjoy going to the city for fun and I don't want to homeschool my children ( I just don't have it in me), I want them to go to a waldorf school, so we have to find the perfect location that we can feel far from it all but still be close enough to be a part of the community.  Also, if you have a yurt company close to you or someone that lives in one, take him to check it out so he can see that it's not like you're living in a tent, get the book Yurts if you don't already have it, let him see for himself....

Good Luck to you and your family Mama!

[seashells]

I doubt my post will help but maybe it will be interesting to you at least.

I fantasized about living a fairly off-grid life, and yes, a yurt was definitely part of that. I had some very specific visions of what I wanted to do. My DH is not against all that but it wasn't really something that spoke to him, so I didn't talk about it too much, and frankly sometimes just joked about a yurt.

I honestly don't remember what happened, but one day a year ago, DH suddenly saw the allure. It was for slightly different reasons than I had, but who cares, he was on board. I couldn't believe it. We talked about it exhaustively, started making plans. We stayed in a yurt to get the experience, and loved it. We put our house on the market. Wow, I mean, we were really committed. We looked at plots of land. Talked and talked and talked. But ultimately we couldn't swing it financially. Even though the land we were looking at was a really good deal, and significantly less than we were paying now, we just could not get the numbers to work. We had to have a lot more cash than we did. We figured we had just enough cash after selling our home to buy the yurt and a wood stove and a have a deck built... but then nothing else. No cushion at all. I kept thinking of things we'd need - you know, tools, everything. And then it was all moot anyway because we never sold the house. Nobody even came to look at it. Nobody even called. After so much planning and research and such, we finally agreed to put the dream to rest.

I am really lucky because we had our shot at it, I got to experience actually figuring it out, and it was absolutely as much my choice as DH's (more, truth be told) to let it go. I mean, if we really wanted to make it work I'm sure there were things we could have done, but we decided not to pursue it further. So even though we're not in a yurt, my perspective is very different, the REASONS are very different. I am content with it, and in fact we have been doing some things in our home. I might get chickens. Stuff like that. Nothing compared to actually living in a yurt but stuff I care about anyway.

I'll be honest, it really meant a great deal to me to have DH on board. It brought us closer. It was amazing.

I'm sorry, it must be really hard having to deal with very different dreams and priorities. I feel lucky that DH and I seem to evolve together for the most part. Believe me, we were not yurt people when we met, but over the years as we've learned and grown we've done it together rather than growing apart.

So to me this is as important, if not more, than the other aspect of just being able to live your life where you are.

[Ldavis24]

seashells thank you for sharing your story, it is definitely helpful and interesting indeed to read about how you are at peace with your decisions. I feel like that is a really impressive thing, I know I have a hard time accepting life as it is at times!

As far as yurt living goes this is actually something I would love to do but if we could live a life of farming and relatively off the grid (whatever that really means) and DH said he just couldn't do a yurt it would be fine with me! I think maybe I made it seem like I was too hung up on the yurt thing, it is a huge part of the dream but I would be just as happy and content living in a small cabin we built ourselves. DH is actually a carpenter and his father is as well. Between the two of them we could have a home built very quickly and with little cost as far as labor goes. DH's father actually built his own house! So I feel like there I am up to being flexible is some big ways but DH is still so negative about it sometimes. 

A PP mentioned trying a yurt or something, it turns out that literally 2 minutes from my mom's house in Maine (a real possibility for where this future dream would happen, the state anyway not next to my mom) there is a yurt campground with 3 different style yurts that you can rent for as long as you wish, all year round. I have broached the subject of checking them out sometime and DH just laughs at it. I am thinking of actually booking them for this summer and just asking him to please at least try it. If it is awful to him we can drive the 2 minutes to my mom's house and be done with it.

So that is progress and we agreed this week we need to set aside a real chunk of time without DD to have a major talk about it...So is that progress? I don't know, I just wish he knew how passionately I feel about this! Would it be stupid to write it all down and just let him read about it. Like many people, I have always been able to express myself more that way and I just don't know if it is too silly (for lack of a better word) to do that for him.

Sorry for getting lengthy, it really is nice to hear other people's experiences with this!

[diana_of_the_dunes]

I actually had to have a similar conversation with my DH about my homesteading dreams.  He's very supportive of me growing our food, and after nay-saying chickens for a while, built me a chicken coop in the backyard.  In exchange, I "let" him build a shed that I feel was completely unnecessary.  But he built it, and salvaged for most of the lumber, so at least it wasn't expensive.  If he's happy, I'm happy.  He drew the line at goats, at least on our .5 acre lot.  If this was our forever home, I'd push it a bit, but trying to sell a house with goats in the yard probably wouldn't appeal to most folks.

When we sat down to talk about it, I brought up that I felt like it was my dream and I was just dragging him along.  He's more enthusiastic than I thought he was, but he's a do-er and not a planner.  I plan.  And plan.  And research every minute detail.  I draw up solar home plans, garden schematics, chicken coops, etc.  I talk, and think, and hash it all out.  

But he makes it happen.  

I never thought about it like that before.  So while I was wondering if he was really onboard and just sort of appeasing me, he's really just waiting for me to make up my mind, give him the blueprints, and let him get it done.  That's not to say I don't put in any physical labor, or that he never makes plans.  But our natural inclinations generally make me the project manager and him the laborer.  We actually complement each other rather well, when you look at it from that perspective.

I brought this up because your DH really may not realize how serious you are.  If you (like me!) are constantly talking to him about your various plans for the future, he might be getting mixed messages and not understand when you're talking about real plans or when you're just brainstorming.  Sitting down and laying some concrete goals will probably help both of you to be less frustrated.  

Good luck!

[Ldavis24]

Originally Posted by diana_of_the_dunes 

I actually had to have a similar conversation with my DH about my homesteading dreams.  He's very supportive of me growing our food, and after nay-saying chickens for a while, built me a chicken coop in the backyard.  In exchange, I "let" him build a shed that I feel was completely unnecessary.  But he built it, and salvaged for most of the lumber, so at least it wasn't expensive.  If he's happy, I'm happy.  He drew the line at goats, at least on our .5 acre lot.  If this was our forever home, I'd push it a bit, but trying to sell a house with goats in the yard probably wouldn't appeal to most folks.

When we sat down to talk about it, I brought up that I felt like it was my dream and I was just dragging him along.  He's more enthusiastic than I thought he was, but he's a do-er and not a planner.  I plan.  And plan.  And research every minute detail.  I draw up solar home plans, garden schematics, chicken coops, etc.  I talk, and think, and hash it all out.  

But he makes it happen.  

I never thought about it like that before.  So while I was wondering if he was really onboard and just sort of appeasing me, he's really just waiting for me to make up my mind, give him the blueprints, and let him get it done.  That's not to say I don't put in any physical labor, or that he never makes plans.  But our natural inclinations generally make me the project manager and him the laborer.  We actually complement each other rather well, when you look at it from that perspective.

I brought this up because your DH really may not realize how serious you are.  If you (like me!) are constantly talking to him about your various plans for the future, he might be getting mixed messages and not understand when you're talking about real plans or when you're just brainstorming.  Sitting down and laying some concrete goals will probably help both of you to be less frustrated.  

Good luck!

It is so interesting you mention this as just this evening DH and I were talking and he said something to the effect," well you are always thinking of this new huge idea to change our lives and you get crazy about it and then all of a sudden it's a whole different life changing idea." Ouch, ok so he was honest and I love that but it definitely made me realize that is exactly what I do and he really doesn't know when I am just dreaming out loud or being truly serious about something. We literally had this talk a half an hour ago...So we are having FIL babysit tomorrow evening and we are going to sit down and have "the talk" the big life plans and goals and dreams and whatever else talk. So yay for that, I am trying to think about how to articulate what I feel about this particular dream of going somewhat off the grid. I have a hard time verbalizing feelings and points I am trying to make if I don't think about them beforehand. DH hates arguing with me because I get so flustered I end up just not talking because I can't articulate myself the way I want! Thank goodness for the internet where I can sit and think about it first!