When is it more than just a "normal two year old"

[kdaisy]

I will try to keep this short.  DS will be 3 in April.  He has been high-needs from the start, traumatic c/s birth, has never slept well ever.  One year ago he started having tantrums and they have only gotten worse. 7 months ago his baby sister was born and it all went down hill from there.  We walk on eggshells around him.  He basically runs the house.  We have no bed time routine because what he doesn't want to do doesn't happen, for example.

When do you know there is something going on besides normal developmental stuff?  Everything I read on tantrums says they fade as the child learns to speak better.  But DS has been extremely verbal very early.  What else could it be?  I am thinking things like mental health issues, or pain from cavities or something (I am taking him to the dentist soon.)  He doesn't hurt himself or destroy things when he has a tantrum, but he gets aggressive towards his sister.

I feel like I am such a horrible mother.  Is it because I had ppd with him as an infant?  Or because I am on zoloft now?  I am truly at my wits end today.  I hate to ask such a simplistic question, but is this normal?? 

[pianojazzgirl]

The thing that sticks out to me is that you guys "walk on eggshells" around him.  I really believe that different kids need different discipline (discipline means "teaching" afterall... and we don't all learn the same way!).  I wonder if your ds is needing a lot more "strictness" (is that a word?).  Some kids need really well-defined boundaries.  Without them they feel insecure.  It sounds to me like right now your ds isn't having any boundaries laid down because you guys are so afraid of his reaction.  I'd start with figuring out what behaviours are unacceptable (ie. what battles are worth fighting), then figure out what the consequences are going to be, and then make the decision that you are going to be firm and stick to the consequences.  I think that at first you might see even worse behaviour as a backlash but ultimately he will be a happier kid.  To put it simply it is too much responsibility (stress) for a 2yo to "run the house", do you see what I mean?

If you want to post any questions about specific behaviours and issues (you mention bedtime as one - what exactly happens at bedtime?) we'd be happy to brainstorm specific ways of dealing with them.

Another note: you mention worrying about mental health issues and/or physical pain.  Perhaps an even simpler place to start looking is diet and rest.  Is he getting enough sleep?  Enough down-time?  Enough 1-on-1 attention?  Does he get enough filling (protein-rich) snacks throughout the day?  Have you ever tried eliminating dairy? gluten? artificial food dyes?  Does he react strongly to sugar?  Start thinking about these factors in his life, and whether it makes sense that any of them might be coming into play here.

[kdaisy]

Thanks for the input.

We have cut out sugar from the house, no artificial dyes either.  He doesn't eat much at all, he is constantly nursing.  I would love to get him to eat more.

He does have some boundaries.  But, I wonder, too, if he needs more.  For instance when I try to limit his game time on the computer, he has a meltdown.  I just don't know how to handle that.

Bedtime specifically.  If I say, ok time to take a bath.  No, and if I force it, a meltdown.  Time to put on pjs, no, and if we force it, a meltdown.  In the evenings we try to get him into clean pajamas and then just wait for him to fall asleep nursing!  I would love to know how to handle that better.

And I know he doesn't get enough rest...I just don't know how to get it to happen.  Part of it also is, I think he doesn't get enough exercise.  But I am hoping that will improve with the warmer weather.

[Boot]

To me this sounds within the range of normal, though still very challenging obviously. I have a couple of suggestions. With computer time, would you consider going screen free, at least in the short term (for your son, not you)? I know you are probably thinking 'but that's the only time I get any peace and quiet' but is it worth the melt down afterwards? I only ask because we go through this with our almost 4 year old. Sometimes the answer is yes, it is worth the meltdown for me to get that down time, but generally, we find that the less screen time he has, the better his behaviour is overall. With bedtime, I would keep it really short and simple but non-negotiable. I know some people won't agree with this but I think if it takes two of you to get him in a clean diaper and pajamas and teeth brushed, then that is what you need to do. I suspect you may need to move bedtime earlier, although you don't say what time he's falling asleep. He could well be overtired. With my son I sometimes have to get very strict at bedtime i.e. [firm voice] 'lie down, close your eyes and don't talk or mummy will go downstairs'. Again, not everyone's style and not the ideal peaceful routine but sometime necessary with my kid. I know what you mean about walking on eggshells, I do that too, but for the big things like health, hygiene, safety, etc you need to take back the wheel. It's scary for a 2 year old to feel like he has too much control. For a while we used the 'naughty spot'. I don't use it any more but it was useful for a few weeks to try to nip a lot of the little annoying behaviours in the bud (things like throwing toys). When my son was your DS age though he wouldn't stay and thought it was a game so that might not work for you. You might find that rewards work too. We put star stickers on the fridge. When he gets 10 he will get a chocolate ice cream!

To summarise:

Pick your battles but then be prepared to stick to your guns.

Cut out screen time

Do everything you can to get him to sleep earlier 

Find some kind of reward system

Don't sweat the small stuff - I would let baths go for the moment for instance 

To give you hope, my son, while still challenging, is waaaayyyyy better now than he was 6 months ago (or maybe I'm just used to it!). In retrospect, he had a huge growth spurt and I think that was part of the trouble. He also dropped naps at 3 which really impacted his behaviour for months. 

Good luck, I feel for you. 

[pianojazzgirl]

Hmmm... ok, let's see...  I'll try brainstorming a few ideas and you can see if any might be useful.  ;)

Re. bedtime;

- have you tried starting the routine earlier?  If he's already very tired/overtired then you have less chance of a successful (ie easy!) bedtime routine.   Any time after dinner (ie. when he won't be eating any more food that day) that he seems in a good mood take the opportunity to get him in his pjs and brush teeth.

- make a bedtime routine chart.  Draw pictures of all the steps of the bedtime routine in the order that they should occur.  Have him help (sit with you while you do it, help you "figure out" what all the steps are, maybe colour some of the pictures, etc).  At bedtime ask him "what's next?", get him involved, help him feel a sense of accomplishment when he "directs" what to do next.

- try using "Playful Parenting" techniques.  Get silly, use songs, make the things you need to do into games.

- Consider cutting the routine down to a bare minimum.  Eliminate as many power struggles as you can.  Try doing bath at a different time of the day.  Let him go to sleep in whatever he was wearing.  Or whatever works for you.  The thought is to "choose your battles".  If tooth brushing and having a night-time dipe on him are non-negotiable, but the other stuff isn't life-or-death, then for the time being make those your two "battles" and let the other stuff go.  Try, for a while, to not even suggest the other stuff.  For now make the goal to have bedtime as peaceful/struggle-free as you can, and then build from that to add the other stuff back into the routine.

Re. computer melt-downs

- this was a huge problem in our house as well with both kids, but especially ds (when he was around your ds's age).  What worked *for us* was to go screen-free.  The first couple of days were hellish, but after that he turned into a generally much happier kid who was able to amuse himself for surprisingly long periods of time.  I was, quite frankly, amazed at what a positive difference this made in ds's behaviour.  No judgment here about screen time (my kids have definitely had their fair share!), just sharing how going screen-free made life a lot better around here. 

Re. getting enough rest

- you've already thought of trying to get more exercise, which would be one of my first suggestions.  Are there any indoor play-places or gyms where you could take him to run around?  Could one of you take him for swimming lessons or for free-swim time on the weekends? 

- if he doesn't get enough "down time" (or nap time) during the day, have you tried putting him in a stroller (babe on your back, or use a double stroller) and going for a long walk?  He'd get fresh air, time to relax, and maybe would fall asleep.

- what's your nighttime set-up?  Are you all in the family bed?  Maybe a different configuration (my first thought was dh with ds in one bed, you with baby in another bed) would work better? 

- Does he wake easily at night?  Is the room in which he sleeps dark enough?  Have you tried using a white-noise machine?

Ok, there are my thoughts for now (I really better get off the comp and get started on my work!).  I hope there's something in there that might help.

FWIW so far what you've described sounds pretty normal not-quite-3 (with a new sibling to boot) to me.  Nothing you've mentioned raises any red flags or anything.

[crunchy_mommy]

I don't know if this fits your situation, but is it possible you are so afraid to let him cry/meltdown that you aren't really instituting/following through on boundaries?

I see this between DS & DH often. DS has way more meltdowns with DH and more 'battle of wills' type situations, and it seems to be a result of DH's hesitancy to set firm boundaries. He might say, "OK time to put on pjs," and DS will say noooo & run away. So DH will think, OK guess he's not tired, and I don't want to make him cry -- so he goes and plays with him instead. Whereas I would usually just bring DS to the bathroom, put on his pjs, and be done with it. There's actually less (often no) crying/meltdowns this way, but DS kind of rebels at first if he's not used to the rule/boundary, so in the beginning it's worse. It's hard because we are kind of traumatized because DS cried SO much during his first year or two that now we hate to 'make' him cry if we can somehow avoid it, but he seems happier overall (and better rested etc.) when we stick to the boundaries. We by no means have tons of rules, but certain things we have to insist on... for ex., DS was staying up later & later & taking longer every day to fall asleep and he wasn't getting enough rest and we were all going batty. So we instituted the 'no nursing to sleep' rule. It was horrendous for the first week or so, but now he just accepts it & is falling asleep earlier & more quickly & with way less whining/crying. It's like the constant nursing made him want to stay awake, it just wasn't putting him to sleep the way it did when he was younger! Sometimes he has a really tough day, misses his nap, etc., and then I just nurse him to sleep, but I know we will take a step or two back the next night... (He sleeps in our bed so there is absolutely no CIO or anything but if we let him push the limits once he is definitely more likely to try to push them again, and there are meltdowns, and it's rough on us all...) Sorry I'm so long-winded here, not sure if I'm even making sense or answering your question accurately!

[kdaisy]

Thanks so much for the input and suggestions. Sleep and exercise are two big "to work on" areas.  Lots to think about...

Thanks again.

[xelakann]

Your son sounds a lot like ours. EVERYTHING is a battle. Even simple little things. What is really working with us, exactly what the other posters have said. We pick our battles. We have also started doing Love and Logic stuff. So he doesn't want to put on PJ's, okay fine, if he gets cold at night then we talk about why that may be. For us, it turns out he didn't get cold at night and REALLY hates wearing pj's to bed.

I don't "buy into" all of what Love and Logic teaches, but it has helped our tantrum level a lot. We offer choices (two that we'd both like). Like "do you want to go to bed in 3 mins or 5 mins", and for the deal breaker rules, we simply say "uh oh" and say time for a quick break... that may mean an actual time out or the toy or object being put in a time out. We don't say "you are going in a time out"... we just say "uh oh" and remove him or the toy/object from the situation. It saves us a lot of battles.

During full on crazy, wild tantrums, we often employ "Happiest Toddler On the Block Stuff"... I'd say 80% of the time it will diffuse him, 20% we just have to ride it out.

[JudiAU]

I have a good friend from my DS's preschool who has a similar 3, almost 4 year old. He was and is high needs, very high strung emotionally, needs nursing to resolve all conflict, very difficult time with their 8 month old. She is a very gentle parent but in the last year she went from gentle to walked on. She has a very hard time establishing even modest boundries and this is really humbling to her. She hates conflict. (Thankfully, the infant is very easygoing.)

DH is better at establishing boundries, is still a gentle parent but is far more "strict" and they've discover that it really works better for him. He is now in charge of bedtime and a two hour period in the afternoon to give friend a break and some time with baby.