PPD after starting solids

[zenmumajen]

I feel like my PPD started around the time we introduced solids to my son. Besides the fact that I have a lot of relationship troubles with DF, everything felt pretty blissful the first 6 months. Though, now I feel panic attacks coming on all the time (have a history of anxiety). I want to take out all my anger out on myself. I always have thoughts of hurting myself but I know I would not do it because I love my son so much. Sometimes I feel extremely frustrated with him too and it hurts me because i know his crying is just his way of letting me know what he needs. I just feel so guilty for feeling that way. Not only am I experiencing panic attacks but also I feel so angry. It seems like people are upsetting me all the time. The other day I got so fired up about some political comment. I was spewing and pacing and pacing. I felt so out of control. On my dad's birthday last week I forgot his present and I was so angry with myself I just started freaking out...saying I was going to hurt myself and that I was a piece of shit daughter. In my head- I knew my dad wouldn't even care, he even asked me NOT to get a gift. I just can't think rationally.
Latley, I have been thinking and focusing on WHY I feel the way I do. I try to think of what triggers my panic attacks/or anger. Everytime- when it comes down to it, it is a control issue. I hate feeling like I am not in control anymore. Now that Leo is starting on solid food I feel like family is trying to stuff his face with food and nobody even understands why I am still breastfeeding which is incredibly frustrating. Maybe this is normal mommy stuff- but I feel like everyone is trying to pull Leo away from me (from breastfeeding) and that he isn't going to need me anymore.
I don't know if this is PPD or not...\. Has anyone recovered from PPD without medication? What did you do?

Also- I am struggling because If I leave him with MIL, my mom, or DF, I worry because they are not going to parent HOW I parent. I'm sure this is normal though. BUT, this leads me to never getting out of the house, only rarely for short occasions. I feel so guilty leaving him and I fear when I get back he will be angry with me or not remember me. Now that just sounds delusional but that is how I feel...
Thanks for reading. I just needed to get my thoughts into words. I've tried talking about this to DF and my mom and they don't understand...
Edited by zenmumajen - 2/28/11 at 8:47pm

[neveryoumindthere]

Sorry I didn't see this sooner. I hope things have let up for you some.

Is this your first baby?

I think a lot of us went through this with our first. Everything and everyone seemed to take over and I know for myself I felt a lot of anxiety about the way others did things.  Of all my children, she is like I was when I was anxious and depressed and I wished I knew about some of the methods I know now.

EFT is excellent for anxiety/panicky feelings. I definitely think you should see someone (not neceassarily and eFT practitioner) since you are feeling like harming yourself.

Also, questioning yourself in different ways makes a huge difference. Thework.com by Byron Katie is really helpful as well.

HTH!

[zenmumajen]

Thank you for responding to my post. Things are not easier at all. Today was a bad day for me. I think slot of my issues are rooted in my anxiety and ongoing relationship issues. I think alot of my problem is trying to make sure that I parent perfectly and I'm setting myself up for dissapointment. Thank you for those resources and will look into both. I hope that my partner and I can make time for therapy both together and separate. Its just a matter of calling and I know that is the hard part for me...

[neveryoumindthere]

When we are caught up in our stuff it's hard to reach out. I highly, highly recommend writing out your thoughts in the form of a to-do list, every single thing on your mind, even if it's 16 pages, to free up space in your head. Doing it at the moment you read this to keep up momentum.

Once, you do that, then it's easier to see which is the #1 important thing you must do right now. 

Focus on what will it cost you in 5 yrs to not seek the help you need, what will your life be like if things stay as they are, how about 10 years, 20 years...

Then do the opposite, Imagine you do take the first step. You make a phone call or write an email, and see how that snowballs into more good for you and your family, again looking 5, 10 and 20 years into the future.

It's a very powerful visualization. It's what ultimately made me put in a call to a naturopath, despite feeling like I could not afford it and it was the best decision ever, because it led to more good and healing myself and my family.

*hugs*

[zenmumajen]

Neveryoumindthere : Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. It really made me see how important it is to reach out. I apologize for just reading this now, but we were on vacation with my fiance's family. It helped get our minds off things...but am now refreshed and am ready to change some things. 

If you don't mind me asking- how did a naturopath help you? What kinds of things do they offer? 

[neveryoumindthere]

I apologize. I did not get a notice that you replied.

How is everything going? That's awesome that you went on vacation. It really does wonders to clear your head.

hm, well, the naturopath, more important than anything else, really listened to me. It was years of me going from one doc to the next, and no one

was listening! She gave me loads of supplements and while I am grateful for that, it was more the idea that I did *something* to change my circumstances

and it really led me into looking into all kinds of 'alternative healing'...

In the end, herbs and meridian psychotherapy were the things that helped the most. If you look in my sig, I even put together my BEST ones, so other

people don't have to try a million remedies trying to find a good one. I already used myself as a guinea pig :) It;s just a series of emails (not sure yet, how to make it into

one document, but I'm working on it!)

hth!

[samiam123]

I have very bad PPD. This is my third boy and it has gotten worse with each Baby.

I thought I was in the clear this time, but had a complete and utter melt down when he was 5 months old.

I had so many signs, but I thought it was all in my head. I actually was convinced I had a brain tumor.

My son is now 10 months and I have been on medication now for 3 months. The medication gave me my life back. 

Today was my first bad day since I have been on meds. I have been through alot. I am now realizing  it is hormonal and out off my control.

This does not happen because you are weak. This does not happen because you have external stresses. This can happen to anyone, and can be very serious.

The point which I reached was horrible. I thank god my boys are fine, and I am fine. But I still get scared. I cant believe my body is doing this to me.

I want me back. Wihtout the out of body  experiences and panic attacks. But I also have no control over it and have to realize it will go back to normal oneday. I was fine before this baby, and I will be fine again.

If anyone has any questions or want to hear more about my story, feel free to comment.

It feels good to talk about it and stop blaming yourself