Will my daughter resent me???

[betmina]

The reason why I signed in this forum is to ask a simple question about my daughter but I've been lurking now and it's a community that I want to be part of definately. I try to avoid online communities but this one seems like a healthy one. I just wanted to add that before getting into my issue.

My DD is 4 years old, her dad was not in the picture until last year thanks to Facebook (God bless Facebook!).
To make the story short, I had my DD when I was 19, I was in my second year of my Bachelor in Antropology back in my homecountry Mexico and I had just won an scholarship to finish my studies in London.

My ex and I met in August 2005 when I started to work in a call center, it was my first job and I was 18 years old. I remember that back in that time I had a very VERY low self esteem and inferiority complex and getting into a new enviornment in which suddenly you were the center of attention got into me. I became more extrovert and obviously I was enjoying the attention I was getting. So ever since I saw my ex "J" I liked him so I thought "I like him, so I'm going to get him" Which was definately not me, I used to be a very quiet person, I changed overnight.
We started a relationship two months later and I knew he was a very troubled person, I didn't knew the extent becuase he never opened himself to me until we started a relationship. We had a really good time during our first months, he was always there for me and I knew everythine from his past and present life and honestly I didn't cared I thought "I'll change him, i'll make him happy". The first three months as I said before were amazing, then I quit my job and things started to get rocky. We used to fight a lot over the simple things and other stuff. My mum never liked him, nobody liked him in my family and I had to stand up for him several times. Then I found out I was pregnant and I thought well it will be okay. I never got to tell him I was pregnant becuase the day I was going to tell him I saw him with another woman. I confronted him there, didnt told him I was pregnant, he basically told me that he wanted to break up with me and that he didnt had the courage to tell me so, fine but he didnt had to lie to me either. I was mad, and I decided to hide my pregnancy from him.

I will never forget that, I've never felt so bad in my life. I felt used, stupid,ugly, dirty, fooled and all the adjectives you can think of. Up to this day, I feel like this. I was driving to his place to tell him the big news and there he was holding other woman's hand. I must clarifiy, he was 25 at that time so yes he pretty much used me.
I tried several times to tell him that I was pregnant but I just couldnt bring myself to, everyone around me used to tell me that it was better if things stayed like that, my mum used to tell me that if I contacted him she will stop helping me with the baby and with my schooling so I couldnt risk that. I was living with her and my stepdad and she used to pay all my school expenses while I worked for the baby and her necessities. I remember that I couldnt even talk on the phone with my friends without my mum interrogating me afterwards and I saw her checking my mobile phone several times.
Before leaving to London, that was in May 2007 I decided to tell him about DD knowing that he would probably try to stop me from moving to London with her. I found out that he was living with the woman he cheated on me with (lets call her A). So "A" was the one that opened the door and I asked her nicely that I needed to talk to "J" I was informed that he was not home and that I never EVER go to her house again. I told her that I really needed to talk to him if she could give me a number to reach him. She said no. She told me that she would tell him that I was there and about DD. I trusted her, again my idiot self, I left phone numbers, photos and some other information. He never called. At that time I supposed he didnt cared.

Then I was admitted at London's University and I decided that my DD and I would start all over in another city without me being tempted to call him or something. Ok now to make this WHOLE story short. After I moved to London I met this man, we moved in together and we are huge and wonderful blended family. I didn't heard from him for years after that so I just assumed he didnt cared about DD.
But in September, just days after DD turned 4 I got this inbox message from one of "J"'s cousin, I had a picture of my DD and I as my profile picture at that time and the question was plain and simple "Is that little girl "J"'s?" and I said yes. I was tempted not to reply to that and to block her and ignore future pm's. But then I thought about my DD and I compared her with me as a child. My mum did everything so my dad wouldnt contact me after they split up I was mad and resentful toward my mum after that and I still feel resentful becuase over the years I though my father had abandoned me. So didnt really wanted my DD to feel the sameway about me.
So as I predicted I got several emails from him, I gave him our house phone number and we talked. He was of course mad at first becuase he thought that I had hid DD from him and took her away. I did yes, but I tried to contact him and I left "A" my information which apparently she never give him. We woman we can be poisonous, and I just found out the extent of how mean we can be. I know I did wrong for hiding the pregnancy from him, put of pride becuase thats what I did. I didnt really loved him but any sort of cheating huts one's pride. It was not him but his actions and the fact that I was pregnant added more bitterness in me to the whole situation.

So DD and "J" have been having, phone and skype conversations. For DD, he's simply "J" she doesnt call him daddy or anything even though she really enjoys talking to him and asks for him al lthe time and refers him "I wonder what "J" is doing right now" or I wonder if "J" would like this" or other little things like that. She knows that he is her father but she just doesnt call him that, to her "J" needs to earn the daddy title" yes, that comes from a 4 year old. She's a very analical child so I cant really recall how many scenarios she has made about it. "If "J" is my father, why wasn't he with us before?" or " Why did he showed up until now?" of course, I know we dont have to explain everything to a 4 years old. Right now and maybe in a couple of years she wont really understand and I believe she will be content with the explanation we will give her when he comes to meet her next month. But what about when she's older?? Becuase seriously I would have tried harder to tell him I was waiting for her.
He on the otherside, is now thankful that I hid the pregnancy from him. He was drug addict (and I really thank God that DD was born healthy) and now he's clean according to him. He graduated from College as well and he started his own little business a year ago. So you can say hes better now, not for me but for DD.
Also, I'm afraid, deeply afraid that he will be in her life say for a couple of years and then vanish completely. I cant even imagine how that will hurt DD. I dont want him to just come in to her life and then leave without warning. Especially becuase I'm seeing how excited DD is to meet him,

I know it got a little bit long I got carried away but I'm really scared for DD at this point. I dont know if I should trust him. Since September he has not failed with his phone calls and things but that's one thing. The distance to being with will make it hard. He has talked about moving to London to be closer to her but again. He promised me a lot of things when we were together.

[doubledutch]

i'm not sure what you think she may resent you for - for not having him in her life sooner, or for letting him in her life only to have him potentially let her down?  in either case, it doesn't seem like you had much choice.  you tried to contact him and let him know about her; and now that he knows, you can't really keep him out of her life.  i'd just proceed with caution.  i would be contacting a lawyer immediately to find out what my rights and obligations are and how best to protect my daughter.  i wouldn't allow any unsupervised visitation unless or until he is awarded that by a court.  good luck!

[Annie Mac]

Betmina, our situations are similar. I had my DD at 19 too. She had on and off contact (mostly off) with her father since she was about 10 (he was nowhere to be seen before that). She's grown up now. You can PM me if you like, but I'll try and break down my observations in a public post. 

- you are not preventing contact with her father. OK, maybe you did before, but you aren't now. 

- I would take a watch and wait approach with this new relationship. Is he paying you any child support? Is he showing any evidence of having restructured his life to accommodate his daughter? Does he have any other children floating about there in the world? What about the girlfriend? Is she still in the picture? 

- You don't know whether or not he will continue the contact with your daughter, but you aren't preventing him from doing that, so if he does, it's not on you. That said, it's surprising what our children can blame us for. However, it seems to me you are doing all you can be reasonably expected to do.

- It sounds like you've provided your daughter with a secure family and a comfortable life. This "J" is just the icing on the cake. It sounds to me like she has a daddy already. If J turns out OK, it's an added bonus to have another loving adult in her life. If he doesn't turn out to be OK, then she has a great fallback position.

In my situation, I always tried to take the high road. I never denied her father access, I never badmouthed him (even though I might have badthought him, lol). His sporadic appearances in and out of my dd's life were hard on her and sometimes, in retrospect, I wish I had just cut him out completely. However, I don't know if that would have improved anything. At least now my dd knows I had nothing to do with her dad's flakiness (although it took her a while to see this, and she took it out on me from time to time; who else was there to be angry at?). At this point, like I said, she's an adult. She maintains some contact with her father, but totally on her own terms. Mostly Facebook. Go Facebook.

I know this response is kind of disjointed, but it's a BIG subject with many facets and hard to address succinctly on an internet forum. Hope it helps :)

[GoBecGo]

I think the question can have many answers.

Have you done the best you could at the time with the information you had in keeping contact?  Yes.

Will your DD find something to blame on you when she is older?  Probably.

There it is.  My DD asks me many questions too (her father and i were together for 3.5 years and split when she was 8 weeks old, though should probably have done so a long time before i even got pregnant).  She wants to know why i moved out of his house, why we cannot live together now (we are all good friends, so i see why she asks this - i tell her, honestly, that we couldn't BE such good friends if we lived together!).  Kids will always have questions, even in a "normal" family kids want to know how it all came about.  And when kids get angry they do look for someone to blame, and often blame the nearest person, even if that person had nothing much to do with it.

One thing i wondered when i was reading was if this has made you revisit how you feel about your mother, or re-evaluate your resentments?  Not that there is anything TO re-evaluate necessarily, i just wondered.  I know a lot of revelations that came to me as a parent made me reframe entirely how i thought of my parents.

[Annie Mac]

I was thinking about your post. You said that J's cousin saw your FB picture...so J's cousin is on your FB list? After so many years, it makes me wonder whether or not you are over J. If you aren't, his presence in your lives now might be quite damaging to your family. Perhaps time for some soul searching. I'm no psychic and can't say how things will work out for you, but I can say from hard-earned experience that getting back together with flaky men because you're harbouring romantic fantasies about them doesn't work out well. Unfortunately, I'm quite an expert in that field (thankfully, that's a period in my life that's over!).

You also mentioned feelings about your mom and your parent's separation. As a child, it's really hard to know what happened between your parents. Maybe your mom had a good reason to keep you away from you dad. Or maybe not. People do crazy things when they're hurt. As the PP said, you might also need to examine that aspect of your emotional makeup.

I also wanted to reiterate something I may not have been too clear on. I think it's a very good idea to dispassionately watch J, and see how he interacts with your daughter. You said he was a messed up individual with a history of drug abuse. If he is still this person (and it's possible), you want to be very careful.

[betmina]

First of all, thankyou for the replies.

[QUOTE]Is he paying you any child support?[/QUOTE]

Not officially, he lives in Mexico and I live in England so we dont have any offical arrangements about that yet. Personally I havent really looked in to that. I dont need financial support from him. My SO and I handle very well with her expenses. And this may sound not right but this will give him more rights over her and personally I'm not ready for that yet. But yes he has sent money for her ever since he found out

[QUOTE] Is he showing any evidence of having restructured his life to accommodate his daughter[/QUOTE]

Solid proof, no. He has sent money and good quantities of money at that but when it comes to this I have to trust in his word and his graduation pictures.

[QUOTE] Does he have any other children floating about there in the world?[/QUOTE]

He has a son older than DD, he's 11 years old. I met him when he was 5 I dont know if he has other kids. I dont think he has, I would have known by now believe me this sort of rumors trouble fast. Some of his family members would have told me. I dont think he had any kids with "A" either. He didnt had any interaction with his DS for years until he was 5 when I met him. Then he stopped I think, it's mostly on and off. Also his mother keeps their interactions to the minimum.

[QUOTE]What about the girlfriend? Is she still in the picture? [/QUOTE]

I know that "A" is not in the picture anymore, according to him he's single I know that they were together for 1.5 years though

The reason why I'm so scared its becuase of the relationship he has with his son. I remember that when we were together he hadnt see him in years for reasons i will not disclose here but I remember very well that he told me "It's it ok if I dont care if I see him again?" His kid lives in Arizona, which was just 6 hours away from the city that we lived back in those days. My DD is in England, a whole day travel by plane, which makes me wonder if he would come here to visit knowing al lthe expenses he has to make. My DD doesnt know he will "come" next month, and I told him not to tell her either. What if he doesn't show up?? That will hurt my DD. I did told him though when all of this started, if DD EVER ever asks if he's calling and I see that she's upset about it he can forget he has a daughter. I will repeat the same thing when he comes to see her.

When I decided to accept my scholarship here I promise DD and myself that I will give us a good life and that she will have al lthe love and attention she needs. I wouldnt have it anyother way. I was lucky enough to find an amazing man that loves her as if she were his own child. Two beautiful boys that look after her and treat her like a little princess. And then I think about how life would have been with "J". Constant fighting, his drug abuse, his huge debts, money problems and I bet I wouldnt have been able to finish my education. So for that I'm thankful.

[QUOTE]One thing i wondered when i was reading was if this has made you revisit how you feel about your mother, or re-evaluate your resentments? Not that there is anything TO re-evaluate necessarily, i just wondered. I know a lot of revelations that came to me as a parent made me reframe entirely how i thought of my parents.[/QUOTE]

My mum and I have love - hate relationship. She's a very proud woman, toxic at times as well. I mean I love her but I like to keep my distance. I understand my in several aspects now that I'm a mother myself but I cant understand others. But she kept me away from my father and lived to badmouth him. I have contact with him, under my own terms aswell.

[QUOTE]You said that J's cousin saw your FB picture...so J's cousin is on your FB list? After so many years, it makes me wonder whether or not you are over J[/QUOTE]

She saw my FB PROFILE picture, I used to have a closeup pic of my daughter and I. My fb profile is private but you are still able to see the profile picture. I didnt had any of his family members on fb before so honestly I dont have an idea how they find me. I'm I over J?? I dont know, quite honestly I dont know I love my SO, I adore him. He's goot to me, good to my daughter and his sons are like my own kids.I certainly dont have any feelings for "J" I stopped having feelings for him a while ago but I cant get over the cheating. I mean, what did I did wrong? How can he cheat on me with a woman 12 years his senior with two grown kids on her own, and many many things. I was 18 at that time, pregnant of course I was going to be sad and bitter about it. I never understood why he did that, if he wanted to break up fine he would have done I would have told him you know what I'm pregnant and we would have worked things out. But no, he decided to lie to me and made me feel like crap for years. I dont have any romantic feelings for him, I have a lot of resentment and anger. Even though I had to lie several times.

I know people do a lot of crazy things they're hurt. I've been there, done that many times.

[betmina]

First of all, thankyou for the replies.

Is he paying you any child support?

Not officially, he lives in Mexico and I live in England so we dont have any offical arrangements about that yet. Personally I havent really looked in to that. I dont need financial support from him. My SO and I handle very well with her expenses. And this may sound not right but this will give him more rights over her and personally I'm not ready for that yet. But yes he has sent money for her ever since he found out

 Is he showing any evidence of having restructured his life to accommodate his daughter?

Solid proof, no. He has sent money and good quantities of money at that but when it comes to this I have to trust in his word and his graduation pictures LOL

 Does he have any other children floating about there in the world?

He has a son older than DD, he's 11 years old. I met him when he was 5 I dont know if he has other kids. I dont think he has, I would have known by now believe me this sort of rumors travel fast. Some of his family members would have told me. I dont think he had any kids with "A" either. He didnt had any interaction with his DS for years until he was 5 when I met him. Then he stopped I think, it's mostly on and off. Also his mother keeps their interactions to the minimum.

What about the girlfriend? Is she still in the picture?

I know that "A" is not in the picture anymore, according to him he's single I know that they were together for 1.5 years though

The reason why I'm so scared its becuase of the relationship he has with his son. I remember that when we were together he hadnt see him in years for reasons i will not disclose here but I remember very well that he told me "It's it ok if I dont care if I see him again?" His kid lives in Arizona, which was just 6 hours away from the city that we lived back in those days. My DD is in England, a whole day travel by plane, which makes me wonder if he would come here to visit knowing al lthe expenses he has to make. My DD doesnt know he will "come" next month, and I told him not to tell her either. What if he doesn't show up?? That will hurt my DD. I did told him though when all of this started, if DD EVER ever asks if he's calling and I see that she's upset about it he can forget he has a daughter. I will repeat the same thing when he comes to see her.

When I decided to accept my scholarship here I promise DD and myself that I will give us a good life and that she will have al lthe love and attention she needs. I wouldnt have it anyother way. I was lucky enough to find an amazing man that loves her as if she were his own child. Two beautiful boys that look after her and treat her like a little princess. And then I think about how life would have been with "J". Constant fighting, his drug abuse, his huge debts, money problems and I bet I wouldnt have been able to finish my education. So for that I'm thankful.

One thing i wondered when i was reading was if this has made you revisit how you feel about your mother, or re-evaluate your resentments? Not that there is anything TO re-evaluate necessarily, i just wondered. I know a lot of revelations that came to me as a parent made me reframe entirely how i thought of my parents.

My mum and I have love - hate relationship. She's a very proud woman, toxic at times as well. I mean I love her but I like to keep my distance. I understand my in several aspects now that I'm a mother myself but I cant understand others. But she kept me away from my father and lived to badmouth him. I have contact with him, under my own terms aswell.

You said that J's cousin saw your FB picture...so J's cousin is on your FB list? After so many years, it makes me wonder whether or not you are over J

She saw my FB PROFILE picture, I used to have a closeup pic of my daughter and I. My fb profile is private but you are still able to see the profile picture. I didnt had any of his family members on fb before so honestly I dont have an idea how they find me. I'm I over J?? I dont know, quite honestly I dont know I love my SO, I adore him. He's good to me, good to my daughter and his sons are like my own kids.I certainly dont have any feelings for "J" I stopped having feelings for him a while ago but I cant get over the cheating. I mean, what did I did wrong? How can he cheat on me with a woman 12 years his senior with two grown kids on her own, and many many things. I was 18 at that time, pregnant of course I was going to be sad and bitter about it. I never understood why he did that, if he wanted to break up fine he would have done I would have told him you know what I'm pregnant and we would have worked things out. But no, he decided to lie to me and made me feel like crap for years. I dont have any romantic feelings for him, I have a lot of resentment and anger. Even though I had to lie several times.

I know people do a lot of crazy things they're hurt. I've been there, done that many times.

[Annie Mac]

Actually, from a legal standpoint, paying child support and having parental rights have nothing to do with each other.  Maybe England is different? But I understand if you don't want money from him. To me, it mostly spoke to the level of commitment he was demonstrating. 

I would just tread carefully. The fact that he's a whole ocean away is probably a good thing. The fact that he has a kid in Arizona that he never sees is probably not a good thing. It may be cynical of me, but I'm always skeptical when men say that are unable to see their children because the mothers are blocking it/psycho/etc. My daughter's father told some very interesting and imaginative tales about how I was blocking access. 

It sounds like you have a very good life where you are. I don't think you are doing anything that your LO will resent you for. 

As for the cheating: you did nothing wrong. Seriously. I know people say that cheating is a result of an unhappy relationship, and maybe that has some relevance when you're talking about a marriage of 10 or 15 years that has been monogamous up to that point, but on the whole cheating is a reflection on the cheater. People cheat for a variety of reasons, but all those reasons are internal. You can't "make" someone cheat just by dint of who you are. Even if you were a horrid girlfriend, he still could have just broken up with you. If you hadn't have caught him, he would have just kept on going sleeping with the both of you. 

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by betmina 
 

So ever since I saw my ex "J" I liked him so I thought "I like him, so I'm going to get him" 

 

.....I must clarifiy, he was 25 at that time so yes he pretty much used me.
..... I dont know if I should trust him.

I don't think he "used" you. I think you made a series of choices that are quite normal and understandable, but that didn't work out well for you at the time. I think that ultimately, taking responsibility for your choices will lead you to greater inner peace. You were an adult, and you made very adult choices. Ultimately, it worked out really, really well because you have your sweet little girl, and if you had been more sensible she wouldn't exist. But I do think you have feelings about the situation to work through.

J isn't trustworthy. He wasn't back when you were seeing him, and he isn't now. He is still your child's father, so figuring out how to navigate that with her will be tricky. Perhaps on the single parent board you could get a thread going about how to provide a solid emotional foundation for a child when their other parent isn't truth worthy would make sense.

Originally Posted by GoBecGo 

Will your DD find something to blame on you when she is older?  Probably.

I agree. I'm married to my kids father, and we were in our 30s when we had children. I'm quite sure that my kids will find SOMETHING to blame us for. Teenagers tend to be like that.

[betmina]

UPDATE

So the man informed me that he's coming on the 26th of this month, he said he was coming next month for DD's Easter break. So he's going to be here in 21 days. I cant get DD ready in 21 days even though she seems pretty calmed about it, well she probably is calm, and curios or I'm the one that is all nervous about it. The last time I saw him was in Feb 2006, 5 years ago. His last words to me were"go home" when I saw him with this other woman and now hes coming here to met DD.

I dont even know if I should accept him or tell him to wait.

[Annie Mac]

What do you mean, "can't get her ready?" Brush her hair, feed her breakfast -- good to go. She's going to follow your cues on how to react to this, how much weight to place on it. Just stay calm, remain casual about it -- it really isn't a big deal. And -- I don't mean to be cynical here -- but you don't even know for sure that he'll show up. If he can't travel to AZ to see his other kid, he's willing to follow through on an expensive cross-Atlantic flight? Not to mention the expense of staying in London! I hope he does come though because you will be able to assess him more objectively and accurately in person. Good luck and try not to get too wound up :)