March Dating Shenanigans - Spring is in the air.... Scintillating Surprises? Serenity?

[Butterflymom]

Who knows?

Question of the month:

Rank the following characteristics, in order of importance to you in your dating candidates:

He's stable & secure, emotionally
He's a good fit with current kiddos
He's attractive
He's stable & secure, financially/career
He wants a similar future, in terms of having or not having more kids ( + parenting style isn't totally out of whack with yours as far as you can tell)
He's ready to commit & cohabitate when you are
He's socially simpatico with your style/tribe
He's a lot of fun/you have a lot of common interests
He lives in your immediate vicinity
He is very intelligent

[Butterflymom]

1. Attractive
2. Intelligent
3. Financially & career-wise established
4. Current-kid-friendly
5. Emotionally-secure
6. Fun
7. Committed
8. Similar future family plans
9. Blends w/ my people
10. My area


Cucumber is imperfect in regards to 4, 7, & 9
He's perfect (full 70%!) in the other regards. And not totally off in regards to 4 & 7 (I'll give him half points, so he's up to 80%) & 9 isn't so awful either (quarter points). So cucumber scores 82.5% in my mind, by these metrics. But actually, I asked you to rank these by importance. So I should score on a weighted scale where the top issues are more important. But I'm on my iPhone & can't be bothered.

In case you guys were wondering, physical zazazoom falls under the 'fun' category, but also emotional security... Since affection isn't only recreation, it's an expression of sentiment & healthy connection.

[Zeta]

Top priority 1-10, and I am not interested in dating anything less!

Which is why I'm not dating! :lol

I did have a fun friend-date the other night with a dance friend. we danced and laughed all evening, and I was worried he might want more, but he has a girlfriend. I was so relieved!  I am attracted to him but there is no longterm potential, and I am so over dating guys with short term potential.  That was sooo 2010 :lol

Edited in an attempt to get the smilies right...

[Butterflymom]

Feel free to add additional metrics!

I didn't really put things like chemistry/love since by default you wouldn't be considering partnering with someone who you weren't pretty fond of.

[mimim]

1. Intelligent
2. Emotionally secure
3. Common interests
4. Lives nearby
5. Similar future plans
6. Committed
7. Established finances and career
8. Attractive
9. Currently kid friendly
10. Currently family and friend friendly

Intelligence and emotional security are by far the most important to me. Having fun together and having common interests are really important too. Attractiveness is important, but I put it far down the list because men are only physically appealing to me if I like their personality and I'm not at all needing "good looks" or a "hot body". I'm not worried about someone who will blend with my kids or family right now, but they need to be cool with doing that eventually. I'm tempted to post this list to my OKC profile, because I'd really like to find a guy who fits this profile. Of course, I have met bunches who do, but the "chemistry" and "love" part had been absent so far.

And the guy who I am working on getting over was completely lacking in numbers 2, 5, 6, 9, and 10. There was lots of chemistry and emotional attachment, but that can't make up for the rest of it. It's helpful to think about it this way.

[Butterflymom]

Glad it was useful to you! Typed it up on my iPhone on the train this morning....

[LorenaAZ]

1. Intelligent
2. Emotionally secure

4. Currently kid friendly
5. Common interests

6. Committed
4. Lives nearby
5. Similar future plans
7. Established finances and career
8. Attractive
10. Currently family and friend friendly

I think I've missing for the last half of the Feb dating thread.  I was kinda taking a little break and also getting a lot of work done for school.  I'm submitting a research abstract that needs to be 150 words or less....crazy.   Anyway,  I have a coffee date tomorrow morning with a very promising man.  :)   We'll meet up at a local coffee shop after I drop my little one off at school, so 8:45ish.  I am SO nervous about it!!  I don't usually get nervous before dates, but there's something about this guy... We met through okcupid and have been facebook friends for about 1-2 weeks.  When he "friended" me, my profile picture was me nursing my daughter in a Sedona creek (I'm a bit of a lactivist, she's 8 months old in the picture) and he just has so many compliments and positivity to offer and throw my way; it's great.  He's also a creative writer and seems like a fun person.  I'll call him Sugar Plum.  A short story will be given to me tomorrow morning to offer any edits I may have. 

I have another date on Fri night...this one is driving over 2 hours to come to my city and we've been chatting and have been friends on facebook for a few weeks (met through okcupid also).  He's a single dad (full custody) to a 9 year old boy.  This one seemed really promising until we talked on the phone...hahaha...we talked for a bit over an hour, but we weren't "flowing" if you know what I mean.  We shall see.  I do feel like these 2 candidates are far better than the few previous guys I've dated...crossing my fingers and hoping they don't also turn out to be frogs. 

So, yes...it seems as if Spring has finally sprung around here (lol just ignore the snow).

Hope everyone has a lovely March!! 

[doubledutch]

other than mutual attraction, living in the same area and wanting similar things out of life, this is my tool for figuring out of a potential date is worth my time:

http://charactercounts.org/sixpillars.html

even though it's written for kids, it's still really, really helpful for me.

[MamitaM]

Helloooooo!!! I'm just going to lurk around in here for a little bit if you don't mind. I'm not dating anyone now and I'm not sure when I'll feel like dating again. My baby boy is only 5 months old and I've been single since I found out I was pregnant. I just didn't want to date anyone while pregnant and since his birth I haven't had time really. When do people like me start dating? I know there isn't any real answer to this question of course. How did some of you decide you were ready to date?

[Butterflymom]

Doubledutch, thanks for posting the link. I think 'character' is a great additional quality to put on the list, which I guess is sort of part of 'emotionally stable & secure', as well as 'committed' (since I didn't really mean 'committed in a way you can't trust because this man isn't fair, honest, & won't honor his commitment with integrity).

In this area of the '6 pillars of character,' Sir Cool as a Cucumber scores off the charts, in a way I've never before seen in a man. Talk about marriage material....
Yeah, it's been awhile & no 'love' or 'future' talk, but 7-months probably doesn't feel as long to him as it does to me, so I'll be patient while he grows into the role that I envision him someday filling. Well, at least until July when we hit our 1-year mark.

Is it a good sign that his family wants me (& Cucumber) to join them on a holiday abroad next month, he loves the idea, but won't go without me?

[Phoenix~Mama]

I LOVE that list DD!  :-) 

1 ~ Stable & Emotionally Secure

2 ~ Intelligent

3 ~ Fun & Funny - Lots in Common/Shared Interests

4 ~ Stable and Responsible in finances and career

5 ~ Similiar Future Plans/Goals

6 ~ Good fit with current kiddos

7 ~ Attractive

8 ~ Socially simpatico with your style/tribe

9 ~ Committed

10 ~ Lives nearby

Stable and emotionally secure after all the BS I have gone through is my #1.  Being intelligent and able to to hold a conversation with me without me having to "dumb" down my vocab is pretty important.  I have found through trial and error that common interests is actually really high on my list.  I never had thought about it before, but my last relationship, besides being terribly abusive, also lacked in the common interest area a lot, and it really sucked not having someone to attend various events with and such. 

That is such a key element into how wonderful my current relationship is.  We are able to kick back and really enjoy life and have a good time, without drama over deciding what to do and who is compromising that day, as we both love and are interested in the same things so anything we decide to do, we both equally love and enjoy it.  It has really added an amazing element to the relationship that I lacked in others.

Like a PP, attractiveness for me takes on a lot more from personality than looks.  Once a person starts being a UAV, I lose attraction big time... physical looks come and go, and to a degree I suppose so does personality, but the basics and foundation of a personality pretty much stay the same. 

[mimim]

Originally Posted by MamitaM 

Helloooooo!!! I'm just going to lurk around in here for a little bit if you don't mind. I'm not dating anyone now and I'm not sure when I'll feel like dating again. My baby boy is only 5 months old and I've been single since I found out I was pregnant. I just didn't want to date anyone while pregnant and since his birth I haven't had time really. When do people like me start dating? I know there isn't any real answer to this question of course. How did some of you decide you were ready to date?

I started thinking about dating about 6 or 7 months after my marriage fell apart. My youngest was 3 then. I'm pretty sure I would have waited to start looking for dates for another year or so had she been an infant, mostly because I lose my sex drive when I'm nursing. In my opinion, it's best to start dating when you honestly feel ready and not worry about "appropriate" time frames.

I have a tentative date this weekend. This guy has zero long term potential (he's way to young for one thing) and I really am hoping to eventually find something deep and meaningful and enduring. I'm torn about whether I should go out with him and have fun or skip it and stay home alone. Do those of you that are in pursuit of a "relationship" ever just go on frivolous dates for the random fun of it? I have done that many times before, but this time, I'm just not feeling like it. I wouldn't mind having a dinner and conversation partner on Saturday night though. Opinions?

[Devaya]

 1. Emotionally secure

2. Intelligent

3. FUn and funny/lots in common/ shared interests

4. Current-kid-friendly

5. FInancially and career-wise established

6. Attractive

7. Blends with my peope

8. Committed

9. Similar future family plans

10. My area

LCG scores top on everything except 6, 8 and 10 - not quite sure about 9 yet as he has given me mixed messages on that one. 6 is for me something that fluctuates, and when I'm feeling into him I find him v attractive and sexy - when I'm feeling less secure in the relat and stuff is úp', then less so. I do still look at other men quite a lot but I think that's bc I am quite an aesthetic person, but it could also indicate I'm not totaly into him....

Him living 50 miles away (10) means that things develop more slowly but it isn't in itself a big down factor, which has made me realise that distance is not so important. I would def prefer him to live closer but \the other factors are more important. Committed...tricky one...he is committed to me for now, for what we have, but I have no idea what the future ideas are. Butterflymom, interesting what you said about the 7 months maybe feeing less long to Cucumber than to you - LCG and I have only known each other 6 months and been together for 3 months, and that seems like a LONG time to me, but isn't to him, since he thinks it's crazy to think of a 2 month relationship as being a seroius one.... a bit of a conflict of ideas there! 

 

[Butterflymom]

Originally Posted by mimim 
  I wouldn't mind having a dinner and conversation partner on Saturday night though. Opinions?

Go for it.  Mamas, like girls, just wanna (gotta!) have fun.

[Martha27]

Originally Posted by Butterflymom 

Go for it.  Mamas, like girls, just wanna (gotta!) have fun.

yep, sometimes it can be just for fun! I've got a drink date tomorrow night and i'm not too sure if we are going to click or if it's just too early for me to be seeing other guys but I like the excited/nervous feeling I have right now about it and i'm pretty sure i'll enjoy at least some of the date if not all of it and maybe get a free drink out of it ;)
 

[Devaya]

Mimim, good luck for your date... I would go anyway, even if there's no long term potential. It could be fun and good for the self esteem if nothing else.

Is ábility to listen' included in one of the priority items on the list?? I often wonder if I'm just unrealistic to expect and hope for a guy I'm involved with to really listen to me and hear what I'm saying...is it just a man thing to not be that brilliant at it? What are your experiences? I'm fuming at LCG a bit after he responded to my email y.day with absolutely NO REFERENCE to anything I had said in my email. I have decided to say my truth to him more and not be so 'nice'', so I told him that although I knew he was busy etc, an acknowledgement, however brief, of what I have said means that I feel more heard and connected. He responded with a cursory comment that 'didn't really acknowledge what I had  said, (i said that I was enjoying my holiday but that I had some challenges with my parents, and he just said ''sounds like ur having a lovely time!"') and made more excuses about being stressed, tired etc. I am really hurting right now with this guy. When I last saw him I told him about a death in the family and he seriously didn't respond AT ALL. He used to be a psychotherapist and does lots of 'people' work, so I really don't get it. Maybe he is just really not interested. I wish he'd be clear about it and just come out and say it though. I need to distract myself from thinking about him but not being at home with my usual networks and stuff to do is making that quite challenging.

[mimim]

I'm gonna go on the date and have fun. If it kills me. No, I'm sure it will be fun. I just feel like it's an exercise in futility since I know it won't go anywhere. In the last month, I've been through 2 guys who seemed to have potential, but didn't even make the short term cut and now I'm out of prospects. I'm starting to feel like I've already dated all the available men in Chicago.

Devaya, to be honest, 3 months doesn't sound very long to me either. It's rude of him to respond to your emails off topic, but maybe he's feeling pressured to be closer with you than he feels comfortable with right now. There's no excuse for being dismissive of the deaths in your family though.

[AttunedMama]

Originally Posted by Devaya 

Mimim, good luck for your date... I would go anyway, even if there's no long term potential. It could be fun and good for the self esteem if nothing else.

Is ábility to listen' included in one of the priority items on the list?? I often wonder if I'm just unrealistic to expect and hope for a guy I'm involved with to really listen to me and hear what I'm saying...is it just a man thing to not be that brilliant at it? What are your experiences? I'm fuming at LCG a bit after he responded to my email y.day with absolutely NO REFERENCE to anything I had said in my email. I have decided to say my truth to him more and not be so 'nice'', so I told him that although I knew he was busy etc, an acknowledgement, however brief, of what I have said means that I feel more heard and connected. He responded with a cursory comment that 'didn't really acknowledge what I had  said, (i said that I was enjoying my holiday but that I had some challenges with my parents, and he just said ''sounds like ur having a lovely time!"') and made more excuses about being stressed, tired etc. I am really hurting right now with this guy. When I last saw him I told him about a death in the family and he seriously didn't respond AT ALL. He used to be a psychotherapist and does lots of 'people' work, so I really don't get it. Maybe he is just really not interested. I wish he'd be clear about it and just come out and say it though. I need to distract myself from thinking about him but not being at home with my usual networks and stuff to do is making that quite challenging.

I would take a break from this guy. Maybe he's really distracted, but it sounds like he's really immature and not able to be what you need. I say, don't bother trying to figure out the obvious. Callous is as callous does. Oblivious is as oblivious does.

Or, you two communicate badly, which is another reason to let it go away. Maybe it will roll around in a few months or even years, but it doesn't sound like he's having the same goals/needs as you.

[Devaya]

Mimim, I see your point about the 3 months thing... when you see it in black and white it does sound like a short time. Yet the 3 months have seemed really long to me, and I am just used to relationships which are pretty established by this point...where "I love you"has been said, basically. I'm not asking to be engaged to be married or moving in with the guy, but I am usually more sure of where things stand, and am feeling more closeness and connection. A few months ago I was dating a guy who, while not as long distance as LCG, was still a good 45 minute drive away, we could only see each other once or twice a week, and in the 7 weeks we were together we got so close, we talked loads on the phone and were really open and honest with each other. So I know that it is possible. I don't really get the point of playing it safe for months as he seems to want to do, b/c I still get attached and hurt anyway, even tho I am not letting myself fully fall in love with him... I think you might as well go all in and see what there is between you.

It's possibly true that he doesn't want to be as close as I want us to be yet, but it's not as if my email was talking about any of that 'relationship stuff, it was just a normal friendly email about what I'd been up to on my holiday so far and what was going on for me.'So him not responding to it just shows a total lack of interest and possibly self absorption as well. I also remember reading a relationship book that said people often diffuse their "love energy" amongst lots of friends of the opposite sex, and then have less of it for their partner...so true in his case since he is a roaring socialite and has many close female friends - which I'm not jealous of, but he has himself said that he finds it a bit much sometimes.

Attuned Mama, I had to laugh at your mention of him being immature since he's nearly twice my age and has this really émotionally mature persona'. I am however starting to wonder if it's all BS, b/c he is clearly quite scared of commitment, and has shown a real lack of emotional sensitivity at times - e.g after my birthday dinner I was a bit upset about something harsh a good friend said and he totally dismissed it and basically told me not to feel what I felt, sticking up for my friend! (He was at the dinner too). The reasons I'm finding it so hard to let go of this guy is that I can see so much potential - the first few weekends we spent together were SO amazing and so connected, and since then he just seems to be putting one barrier after another between us. And the other reason is, well, sad as it is, I really like being in a relationship, and the thought of starting all over again looking for someone is so depressing. But I cheered myself up last night though thinking of all the summer festivals I plan to go to and how there will definitely be younger, more attractive and interesting guys there ;)

[Zeta]

Devaya, My two cents worth: You're not getting what you want/deserve in this relationship.  If I were in this situation, my hope would be that I would just honor myself and let it go rather than settle for a situation in which I feel disappointed/ disgregarded/ confused so much.  It's different when you're the one IN the relationship and you see/feel the potential, but I've found that potential that is not realized is just nothing.  I feel compassion for you, as it can be hard to make a decisive stay/go when you can still "make a case" for either course of action. 

On another note, it seems astonishing to me that he can be so cavalier with that age gap- isn't that every older man's dream to have a girl so much younger?  Go get yourself a man more your age- or younger!  ha ha