March Dating Shenanigans - Spring is in the air.... Scintillating Surprises? Serenity? - Page 3

[Devaya]

Originally Posted by rubelin 

I've been pondering Butterflymom's list of desires and decided that I can't put them in any order, because every single one is very important to me. I have a very long page of attributes I'm looking for in a soulmate as I've been doing a lot of work with Deliberate Creation (what's popularly called "the Secret" nowadays but I've been practicing for about 15 years) and I want to be sure the universe doesn't leave anything out   All those 10 are included in some way in that list, though stated a bit differently. Overall, I need to be with someone who is a good fit for me and my family and our life; I'm not gonna be changing to fit a man and I don't want him changing to fit me. I need to be physically and emotionally and intellectually attracted to him, and do not care a bit if he's attractive to the rest of the world. I'm not into dating as a past-time, only as a means to get to know someone. I'm pretty low maintenance and don't like generic romantic gestures; I prefer hanging out casually and just being part of each others lives.

Such a good point Rubelin. I'm also into manifestation/deliberate creation (though not for as long as you - 15 years of practicing it is impressive) and have been thinking about how to apply this to romantic relationships. I think I have been focusing on the negative a lot about my current guy and this is really going against creating something positive. I want to keep my thoughts and feelings centred around a positive, nurturing, committed relationship rather than what is missing in the current one, or what could go wrong. That way I trust that even if LCG is not right for me in the end, I will attract somebody who IS. One thing I wonder though, with the deliberate creation stuff, maybe you could shed some light on it: with the whole emphasis (in books like 'The Secret' and 'The Power', 'The Vortex' etc) on thinking and focusing only on what you want more of, what you like, how do you avoid deluding yourself to what's really going on, as in, if a guy is just taking you for a ride? I realised that I've mainly been reporting on the lacks and negative stuff about LCG, on here, but there is just as much good stuff - and what is good, is really really good. If I had been posting about that, everyone would have said, wow, great. But I've chosen to focus on what isn't working, so of course people have heard that and responded with negative interpretations. It's still only one side of the story. So that results in a whole loop of thinking that is in the end pretty disempowering. Does that make sense? Hope so!

 

[Devaya]

and 2x and 2y, sounds like a good situation for you right now with the friendship. It's great to have a nurturing honest open relationship like that without complicating it with sex...I"ve always wished I could have a guy friend like that!
 

Mimim, how do you have time to see /meet all these guys? I've been thinking that it would be really healthy for me to date other guys or at least have a coffee here and there, but not sure how to make the space in my life with only one night off a week (which is when I go to my dance class - you get the odd cute guy there  he usually has a girlfriend and most of the rest of the guys are 50 plus and not v attractive!) It's great that you're flirting and having some good interactions even if they don't necessarily lead anywhere.

[mimim]

Originally Posted by Devaya 

Mimim, how do you have time to see /meet all these guys? I've been thinking that it would be really healthy for me to date other guys or at least have a coffee here and there, but not sure how to make the space in my life with only one night off a week (which is when I go to my dance class - you get the odd cute guy there  he usually has a girlfriend and most of the rest of the guys are 50 plus and not v attractive!) It's great that you're flirting and having some good interactions even if they don't necessarily lead anywhere.

My kids live with me only 50% of the time, so I have a lot of time to myself. Really, I have had better luck with meeting people online, because it's a much more efficient way to find someone you might have something in common with. I've met a few guys on OKCupid lately, but none of them stuck and there aren't any more I might be interested on there. But it's easy to meet people out and about, because I live in a very densely populated neighborhood in Chicago that is brimming with single 30 and 40 somethings, but honestly most of them aren't "my type".

What do you do about facebook and new men though? My internet crush wants me to add him. I can set it so he can't see the pictures of my kids and stuff can't I? I don't use it much. There's not much personal info on there that he doesn't know other than my last name and some pictures.

[sugarmoon]

About the facebook:

You can also really just tell him you aren't comfortable adding him yet.  Some people are really into adding right away, but I'm not.  My facebook is where I rant and rave, act silly etc.  I don't want anyone on there who i don't know and trust.

Anyway, not adding him will probably just make you seem all that much more alluring :)

[Martha27]

i'm in the same boat with the Facebook thing. I thought maybe after i met the guy I found on OKC i'd feel more comfortable adding him but I dont know, I am picky about FB friends (I only have 88!) and am wondering if this guy is just passing through my life anyway what's the point of putting him on there. This is all probably not worth thinking of anymore anyway b/c I haven't really heard from him since our date friday night so i'm thinking he wasnt all that into me?

[rubelin]

molly, you can make a group on FB with certain privacy settings and add him to it. I have a group called "public only" which pretty much only shows those people what the rest of the public can see (no photos, posts or personal info), so the only difference is that they can see the name I use there (which includes both my last names), I show up on their friends list and I can see whatever they allow me to see. I use the group for former classmates who were never really friends or older family members who might be offended by things I post and anyone who is kind of a friend but I'm not entirely sure about.

Devaya, I think there's a thin line between acknowledging what doesn't work for you and focusing on it. When you are focusing about what you need, then the things that aren't that will become more obvious and you can either decide that they can be manged or you decide the good parts aren't enough. I get very stuck in patterns of focusing on the crap parts of my life and have to purposefully yank myself out of it and release the anger, upset, whatever, behind it. It would be nice if everyone around me cooperated with this (like I am tired of da' ex giving me reasons to be pissed off at him ) but in the end, it's all just my stuff to get through and it does all lead to growth, which is what I'm going for.

[ZoeyZoo]

Originally Posted by Martha27 

Ok so I went on a date...now what? :) I had dinner last night with someone I met online and had been talking with for about 2 weeks or more. We stayed at the restaurant for about 2 and a half hours talking and I had a good time and wouldn't mind seeing him again. We parted with me saying something like "so we'll talk soon then?" and he responded with some kind of yes answer but i'm not really sure if he was really into the date or not? He did most of the talking just b/c he's a chatty person, which I dont mind b/c im quieter, I added my bits to the conversation but i could tell he liked talking :) I'm just not sure what I should do next, do I call him, wait for him to call me? message him on OKC, wait for him to message me? text message him something like "had a good time last night, thanks again for dinner"? I'm clueless when it comes to dating rules and regulations :) please help!

I would wait for him to contact you. If he doesn't contact you in a week then assume he's not interested. You want a man who's really into you. At this stage if he is he will find a way to ask you out again quickly. Many men are concerned about looking too eager so they'll wait a couple of days. I strongly believe in letting the guy persue you at the beginning. I am of the mindset that a guy needs to show me he's really into me and that is one of the ways men show they are interested.
 

[mimim]

Originally Posted by Martha27 

i'm in the same boat with the Facebook thing. I thought maybe after i met the guy I found on OKC i'd feel more comfortable adding him but I dont know, I am picky about FB friends (I only have 88!) and am wondering if this guy is just passing through my life anyway what's the point of putting him on there. This is all probably not worth thinking of anymore anyway b/c I haven't really heard from him since our date friday night so i'm thinking he wasnt all that into me?

The date was Friday? If you don't hear from him today, I'd write him off. The trouble with the internet is that everybody seems to be on the lookout for the next best thing all the time. I remember feeling addicted to first dates for a while when I started. Really, I think dating is a skill that has to be learned.

I don't want this guy to know my last name right now, but I was telling one of my co-workers about this dilemma and she reminded me that she uses her middle name on FB in place of her last name. Combined with blocking him from some of my content, that should be good enough.

[Martha27]

The date was Friday? If you don't hear from him today, I'd write him off. The trouble with the internet is that everybody seems to be on the lookout for the next best thing all the time. I remember feeling addicted to first dates for a while when I started. Really, I think dating is a skill that has to be learned.
 

 

yep it was friday- I did get a "how was your night" text saturday night at around 2am and responded and then got another response but that was the end of it and i'm not sure I count that really :/ Whatever, this was my first date since the seperation so I really didn't have a lot invested in it, I think i'll be fine if he doesnt call again :)
 

[mimim]

The Saturday night text counts, Martha. Who was the last person to text? If it was him, totally go for sending him another. There is a ton of rejection being faced by a lot of the men who are involved in online dating; they get guarded after a while.

Also, I completely disagree that you should make a man chase you. You view yourself as his equal right? This is the 21st century isn't it? It would be totally appropriate to ask him out for the 2nd date, even if he hadn't texted you to check in already. Be honest with him, while remaining conscious and respectful of his boundaries. Of course, by doing that, you face having a direct rejection or having a guy who isn't so into you give you a second chance, but you really have nothing to lose and a low stakes learning experience to gain.

[Martha27]

haha oh the joys of dating! analysing texts and first date play-by-plays :) ok so he texted me a question then I texted him back with an answer and a question then he texted me a response with an added funny comment and I texted back with another joking kind of comment that didn't require response and that was the last of it!

I definatly need more dating practice!! we usually talk in the evening and I did notice he wasnt on OKC at all yesterday except in the early morning so i'll just see what tonight brings. I must say I am having fun with this online stuff though, it's perfect for moms like me who dont get to get out much! I have my kids almost always, right now they only go see their dad every other weekend so it hinders the going out kind of dating for me a bit!

[ZoeyZoo]

Personally I'm warry of texts if it's the only communication. In my experience those guys were looking for something casual or lazy. I feel that a guy who really likes you will make an effort to call and hear your voice.

I totally agree this is the 21st century. I still believe about letting a guy chase and court at the beginning. You want a guy that is really into you and likes you. I feel that letting them chase and court gives you a lot of insight into how they feel for you. You also pick up a lot of subtle things about them that will help you weed the bad guys out. Remember guys tend to communicate non verbally - especially in the beginning. Now I'm not saying to sit back and wait for him to call. Enjoy and live your life.

[Moochie Mamma]

Originally Posted by ZoeyZoo 

Personally I'm warry of texts if it's the only communication. In my experience those guys were looking for something casual or lazy. I feel that a guy who really likes you will make an effort to call and hear your voice.

Has anyone else experienced this?  I'm seeing the guy I met a week and a half ago again tonight and so far, no phone calls- only text.  Which is fine with me bc I'm shy and it's easier to get to know someone in writing without the awkward pauses on the phone.  Anyway I'm curious to see if he is more talkative tonight or if he's super quiet again.  Btw I just got out of a 12-year marriage- he's 30 so maybe getting to know people by text is normal now?  (I am only looking for something casual right now though.  Not opposed to something serious but not actively looking just enjoying being single for the first time in a looong time.)

[mimim]

Originally Posted by Moochie Mamma 

Has anyone else experienced this?  I'm seeing the guy I met a week and a half ago again tonight and so far, no phone calls- only text.  Which is fine with me bc I'm shy and it's easier to get to know someone in writing without the awkward pauses on the phone.  Anyway I'm curious to see if he is more talkative tonight or if he's super quiet again.  Btw I just got out of a 12-year marriage- he's 30 so maybe getting to know people by text is normal now?  (I am only looking for something casual right now though.  Not opposed to something serious but not actively looking just enjoying being single for the first time in a looong time.)

Normal. Nobody calls any more. It's all text. I'm glad for that too.

[bananabee]

Originally Posted by mimim 

Originally Posted by Moochie Mamma 

Has anyone else experienced this?  I'm seeing the guy I met a week and a half ago again tonight and so far, no phone calls- only text.  Which is fine with me bc I'm shy and it's easier to get to know someone in writing without the awkward pauses on the phone.  Anyway I'm curious to see if he is more talkative tonight or if he's super quiet again.  Btw I just got out of a 12-year marriage- he's 30 so maybe getting to know people by text is normal now?  (I am only looking for something casual right now though.  Not opposed to something serious but not actively looking just enjoying being single for the first time in a looong time.)

Normal. Nobody calls any more. It's all text. I'm glad for that too.

I disagree. It's so impersonal, and he could totally be texting you while he's watching a movie with his wife and kids. It's also a great way for people with no social skills to communicate. That is not one of the finer points, in my book.

[Devaya]

Originally Posted by rubelin 

molly, you can make a group on FB with certain privacy settings and add him to it. I have a group called "public only" which pretty much only shows those people what the rest of the public can see (no photos, posts or personal info), so the only difference is that they can see the name I use there (which includes both my last names), I show up on their friends list and I can see whatever they allow me to see. I use the group for former classmates who were never really friends or older family members who might be offended by things I post and anyone who is kind of a friend but I'm not entirely sure about.

Devaya, I think there's a thin line between acknowledging what doesn't work for you and focusing on it. When you are focusing about what you need, then the things that aren't that will become more obvious and you can either decide that they can be manged or you decide the good parts aren't enough. I get very stuck in patterns of focusing on the crap parts of my life and have to purposefully yank myself out of it and release the anger, upset, whatever, behind it. It would be nice if everyone around me cooperated with this (like I am tired of da' ex giving me reasons to be pissed off at him ) but in the end, it's all just my stuff to get through and it does all lead to growth, which is what I'm going for.

Thanks Rubelin. That makes sense! Yep, can relate to the thing about your ex ;)

Moochie Mamma, Re the texting vs calling stuff, I think that a guy who is really into you will call, and want to hear your voice, but in the early stages when you've just had one date, I wouldn't conclude that him just having texted means he's not interested, just yet. I think in today's technology age etc etc it's so much more low risk to text, that some guys prob find it too vulnerable to call. Having said that though there was a guy I had a thing with a few months ago, who texted me a lot and had these nice text conversations, but was also giving me mixed messages. Eventually I texted him, if you are genuinely interested in getting to know each other better, let's talk on the phone, and he then backed away and said 'let's leave it'.  So I knew where I stood! I think for some guys it's a fun thing to have a texting thing going but it doesn't lead anywhere, and like BananaBee said, he could be doing it while doing something else. Maybe send him another text and see where things go from there. Good luck!

[Moochie Mamma]

Originally Posted by bananabee 

I disagree. It's so impersonal, and he could totally be texting you while he's watching a movie with his wife and kids. It's also a great way for people with no social skills to communicate. That is not one of the finer points, in my book.

Good point (though I know he is single bc he's a friend of a woman I work with).  Just realized it's also used by people not wanting to get to know someone, just setting up booty calls.  Which I have just learned firsthand is fun while it's happening but feels crappy and emtpy afterwards.     I'm all for casual dating but this isn't even dating... ugh.

Devaya- just saw your post while I was writing this.  I'm going to back way off on responding to his texts since most are sexts anyway.  If he keeps it up I'll tell him I'd like to go on a real date to get to know him but I'm not a booty-call girl.  (I told him tonight that this is the first time I've ever slept with someone so fast and that this is all new to me- he knows I'm recently single.)

[Zeta]

Moochie: the sexts without an ongoing context of seeing each other and calling would seem like a red flag to me.

Devaya: I think the biggest thing about the manifesting is focusing on what you need & want without defining the package it comes in.  It seems like if you do that it would not get you into deluding yourself about any one particular guy and indeed would help you remain aware of gaps.  And within your relationship with LCG I do think you want to be aware of the stuff that is not working for you without obsessing over it- noticing and keeping connection with what you want & staying positive will help your spirit sort things out for you.  That's what I think anyway.  :-)

[Oh the Irony]

Yeah, was going to say a 2am text the night after a date sounds like fishing for a booty call. I actually asked my ex out the first time and then later asked him to marry me--so I am totally capable of doing whatever I feel called to do. I saw later in that marriage how little drive and initiative he really had. So now when I date, I do like to have the man pursue a bit. It gives me some useful info. I don't want another relationship where I am THE driving force behind everything. 

[Oh the Irony]

This new format is crazy. I try to do a space for new paragraph and I end up at the top of the post!

If I felt really drawn to initiate contact with a guy then I totally would. But for now I'm enjoying sitting back and letting the guy do a bit of work. It isn't for very long--just through like the first three dates or so. After that, if I didn't feel comfortable calling/emailing/texting when I felt like it then it wouldn't be right for me at all.