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March Dating Shenanigans - Spring is in the air.... Scintillating Surprises? Serenity? - Page 5

post #81 of 142

I agree with booking a room for him and making it clear to him that he will be staying there.  That way you can always change your mind and let him stay with you if want.  If he balks at staying at a hotel and doesn't respect your need for safety that would be a big red flag (for me anyway).

 

I went out with the text-guy Sat night on a real date which was really fun... he's actually not shy!  I had clarified earlier in the week that I wasn't looking for someone to play Daddy to my kids.  I also told him that I'm not actually looking for anything right now just living my life and if I meet someone that fits into it great- but if not I'm ok with that too.  I think that put him at ease (which is good b/c it's the truth).  We're going to see each other again this weekend.  winky.gif

post #82 of 142

If he speeds he can get here in 2 hours. The first time we met up he was held back at work and so left about 3 hours later than he wanted to, so he didn't arrive here until really late. I already knew he was staying with me unless any warning bells went off and they didn't. That was 3 weeks ago? He was here again last weekend but stayed the whole weekend. You have to remember that for me it was my booty call. I had been looking for some one for just sex basically. I had no expectations of seeing him again. It's only because while he was here we really talked, and then after he left we carried on chatting on yahoo. I'm not seeing him for almost a month as I only "entertain" when my children are with their father eow and the next free weekend is just before his exams. Though I enjoyed the relaxing weekend we did have I do not want to repeat that just yet.

     I have to admit my view on sex right now is a lot more open probably because it was so infrequent and soooo BAD that now I have the freedom to go out and get some! And I am and I am really loving it!!! 

 

If it feels right to you then I say go for it. if there is any part of you that hesitates, then stop and listen. You are the one in control now.

post #83 of 142


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by hillymum View Post

     I have to admit my view on sex right now is a lot more open probably because it was so infrequent and soooo BAD that now I have the freedom to go out and get some! And I am and I am really loving it!!! 

 

 



thumb.gif  Happy for you that you're finally enjoying it!!!!  Nothing against my stbx but we never had a physical connection (our marriage was more friendship than physical)... so I know how you feel and now I finally get what all the fuss is about!!  winky.gif

post #84 of 142

Well, I've continued on this whole dating thing. Had a few dates with the first guy I went out with, plus there has been a few coffee dates with another single Dad and a date with one other guy. I've been pretty busy! I've never really dated before, it doesn't seem like the Kiwi culture to go out on lots of dates with lots of different men, but I'm enjoying it.

 

Any how, I have a date coming up on Saturday and I am really, really looking forward to it! He's coming up from another city to see me and we're going to do dinner and maybe some drinks. He seems really nice but we haven't spoken on the phone yet, so I'm hoping that I won't be disappointed (you know how you build a picture of someone in your mind and then when you meet you realise that they are not at all the same!)

 

Sorry, rambling! Needless to say, I never thought I'd feel this way about someone after my ex left so it's even more exciting to me for that reason!

post #85 of 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by Moochie Mamma View Post


 



thumb.gif  Happy for you that you're finally enjoying it!!!!  Nothing against my stbx but we never had a physical connection (our marriage was more friendship than physical)... so I know how you feel and now I finally get what all the fuss is about!!  winky.gif


haha, this made me laugh a little, I am hoping to one day know what the fuss is all about also! Not going to be anytime soon though for me. I have been chatting online with a very nice guy who lives only an hour away and wants to take me out but I have no free weekends in my near future :( My STBX can't have the kids on weekends w/out his parents help b/c he works nights and they are not free again until April 1st which is the weekend I have to move to my new apt. It stinks b/c I could use a night out and really want to meet this fellow. I'm not sure yet how to take him so I really want to meet him IRL. He acts like I am the girl of his dreams and goes on about ho we have so much in common but we havent even met! it's a bit wierd to me but I am lonely and like the attention ;) not a good combination I know but we'll see what happens after our first date.

 

post #86 of 142

So it's been almost six months, I'm still dating the Incredibly Nice Guy, and we're in love. :) We've taken it really slowly and it's great. I'm happy. 

 

1. He's stable & secure, emotionally

2. He's a good fit with current kiddos

3. He's a lot of fun/you have a lot of common interests

4. He's stable & secure, financially/career

5. He's socially simpatico with your style/tribe

6. He is very intelligent

7. He wants a similar future, in terms of having or not having more kids ( + parenting style isn't totally out of whack with yours as far as you can tell)

8. He's ready to commit & cohabitate when you are

9.He's attractive
10. He lives in your immediate vicinity
 

post #87 of 142


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Martha27 View Post




haha, this made me laugh a little, I am hoping to one day know what the fuss is all about also! Not going to be anytime soon though for me. I have been chatting online with a very nice guy who lives only an hour away and wants to take me out but I have no free weekends in my near future :( My STBX can't have the kids on weekends w/out his parents help b/c he works nights and they are not free again until April 1st which is the weekend I have to move to my new apt. It stinks b/c I could use a night out and really want to meet this fellow. I'm not sure yet how to take him so I really want to meet him IRL. He acts like I am the girl of his dreams and goes on about ho we have so much in common but we havent even met! it's a bit wierd to me but I am lonely and like the attention ;) not a good combination I know but we'll see what happens after our first date.

 


that's a little scary. redface.gif  take your time and don't give out too much information.

 

post #88 of 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by doubledutch View Post


 


that's a little scary. redface.gif  take your time and don't give out too much information.

 


agreed. i'm reading into this one carefully and all he knows is what town I live in and I wont even be here too much longer! He is divorced and says he learned a lot from his failed relationship, maybe that has something to do with it? I dont know, I also think sometimes when your only form of communication with a person is IM there can be a lot lost in the translation, he could just be not good at getting out what he really means to say via the keyboard so it comes off as a little odd? who knows I will continue chatting with him for now anyway it doesnt look like a meet up is in the near future so I can feel him out a bit longer anyway.

post #89 of 142

 

 



Quote:
Originally Posted by Martha27 View Post




haha, this made me laugh a little, I am hoping to one day know what the fuss is all about also! Not going to be anytime soon though for me. I have been chatting online with a very nice guy who lives only an hour away and wants to take me out but I have no free weekends in my near future :( My STBX can't have the kids on weekends w/out his parents help b/c he works nights and they are not free again until April 1st which is the weekend I have to move to my new apt. It stinks b/c I could use a night out and really want to meet this fellow. I'm not sure yet how to take him so I really want to meet him IRL. He acts like I am the girl of his dreams and goes on about ho we have so much in common but we havent even met! it's a bit wierd to me but I am lonely and like the attention ;) not a good combination I know but we'll see what happens after our first date.

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by doubledutch View Post

that's a little scary. redface.gif  take your time and don't give out too much information.

 

 

HUGE red flag mama.  HUGE.  He doesn't even know who you are! 
 

post #90 of 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama View Post

 

 



 

 

HUGE red flag mama.  HUGE.  He doesn't even know who you are! 
 


definatly agreed. but maybe I should clarify a bit just so I can get some more feedback on it, he is just really heavy on the comments which im not used to. We started talking a week ago and after a lot of back and forth messages he came out with something like, "you seem like a smart, funny, beautiful person" and makes comments about how similar we seem.  I am very self conscious and might even have a border line low self esteem so stuff like this is wierd to me but maybe im just not good at accepting compliments and take it wrong? I have fun talking with him but I'm very much on gaurd with this guy. However, I also would hate to miss out on meeting up with him b/c maybe he is just really nice! ...and maybe im just a big naive doofus :0)

post #91 of 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by Martha27 View Post




definatly agreed. but maybe I should clarify a bit just so I can get some more feedback on it, he is just really heavy on the comments which im not used to. We started talking a week ago and after a lot of back and forth messages he came out with something like, "you seem like a smart, funny, beautiful person" and makes comments about how similar we seem.  I am very self conscious and might even have a border line low self esteem so stuff like this is wierd to me but maybe im just not good at accepting compliments and take it wrong? I have fun talking with him but I'm very much on gaurd with this guy. However, I also would hate to miss out on meeting up with him b/c maybe he is just really nice! ...and maybe im just a big naive doofus :0)


I would go with your gut and err on the side of caution. However great he seems to think you are now, that is likely how horrible he will think you are if you dump him later on. He doesn't know you, but he is already acting like you're 'perfect' for each other. I married a guy I met online who thought I was amazing, and shortly after we got married, he started to discover how unmysterious and boring I am, and after that came a string of manipulative tactics and neglect to prove to the world how superior he is and what a nagging witch I am. It's taken me a year of therapy and a lot of attorney fees to get to where I feel like I'm recovering from how he turned my world upside down. What I've learned is that I have to trust what my instincts tell me and not allow my desires to cause me to explain away the little red flags that made me uncomfortable in the beginning.

 

Do you think maybe what you call 'self-conscious' in yourself is really just sensitivity to other people's creepiness? What you call 'low self-esteem' might just be a reaction to other people's actual treatment of you. Don't sell yourself short and get tangled up with a weirdo, because it can do a lot of damage to your life. Hold out for a guy who seems really normal, emotionally balanced, and puts you at ease.

 

(I will probably need a reminder of this if/when I start dating again)

 

post #92 of 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by bananabee View Post




I would go with your gut and err on the side of caution. However great he seems to think you are now, that is likely how horrible he will think you are if you dump him later on. He doesn't know you, but he is already acting like you're 'perfect' for each other. I married a guy I met online who thought I was amazing, and shortly after we got married, he started to discover how unmysterious and boring I am, and after that came a string of manipulative tactics and neglect to prove to the world how superior he is and what a nagging witch I am. It's taken me a year of therapy and a lot of attorney fees to get to where I feel like I'm recovering from how he turned my world upside down. What I've learned is that I have to trust what my instincts tell me and not allow my desires to cause me to explain away the little red flags that made me uncomfortable in the beginning.

 

Do you think maybe what you call 'self-conscious' in yourself is really just sensitivity to other people's creepiness? What you call 'low self-esteem' might just be a reaction to other people's actual treatment of you. Don't sell yourself short and get tangled up with a weirdo, because it can do a lot of damage to your life. Hold out for a guy who seems really normal, emotionally balanced, and puts you at ease.

 

(I will probably need a reminder of this if/when I start dating again)

 



thank you for the reply. I have been thinking that if and when I actually meet this guy a lot could be cleared up for me, meaning I can get a better sense of what he's like. No matter what I know that right now with anyone i'd be taking things reaaaalllll slow. I just got out of my marriage and im really just looking for someone to hang out with and have fun and keep me company! In the long run id like to be married again but im going to probably not go down that road again for awhile and I will be holding out for the guy who is a s normal and balanced as i can find this time!

post #93 of 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by Martha27 View Post





thank you for the reply. I have been thinking that if and when I actually meet this guy a lot could be cleared up for me, meaning I can get a better sense of what he's like. No matter what I know that right now with anyone i'd be taking things reaaaalllll slow. I just got out of my marriage and im really just looking for someone to hang out with and have fun and keep me company! In the long run id like to be married again but im going to probably not go down that road again for awhile and I will be holding out for the guy who is a s normal and balanced as i can find this time!


So, a guy who is telling you before you even meet that you are "smart, fun and beautiful" or whatever, and acting like you're perfect for each other - probably is NOT looking to go slow.  And yeah, he says he's OK with going slow, but he probably isn't.  And then once you start "hanging out" he'll want more.  Be careful - and maybe seek some counseling to help you see what you are worth and to figure out why your self esteem is low?  I think women that have good self esteem are less likely to go for the red flags - so maybe start there and work on yourself before starting to date?

 

post #94 of 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by Martha27 View Post





thank you for the reply. I have been thinking that if and when I actually meet this guy a lot could be cleared up for me, meaning I can get a better sense of what he's like. No matter what I know that right now with anyone i'd be taking things reaaaalllll slow. I just got out of my marriage and im really just looking for someone to hang out with and have fun and keep me company! In the long run id like to be married again but im going to probably not go down that road again for awhile and I will be holding out for the guy who is a s normal and balanced as i can find this time!


Does he know that you need to go slow? Be absolutely explicit about that with him about that so there is no confusion and then be ready to break things off if he doesn't respect your boundaries. Being excited about you isn't a red flag necessarily, imo, but pushing or rushing you at all is a huge one. If he really likes you, then he should be willing to take as long as is necessary to get to know you.
post #95 of 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by mimim View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by Martha27 View Post





thank you for the reply. I have been thinking that if and when I actually meet this guy a lot could be cleared up for me, meaning I can get a better sense of what he's like. No matter what I know that right now with anyone i'd be taking things reaaaalllll slow. I just got out of my marriage and im really just looking for someone to hang out with and have fun and keep me company! In the long run id like to be married again but im going to probably not go down that road again for awhile and I will be holding out for the guy who is a s normal and balanced as i can find this time!




Does he know that you need to go slow? Be absolutely explicit about that with him about that so there is no confusion and then be ready to break things off if he doesn't respect your boundaries. Being excited about you isn't a red flag necessarily, imo, but pushing or rushing you at all is a huge one. If he really likes you, then he should be willing to take as long as is necessary to get to know you.

yep we've both said taking things slow is in our plans for future dating. But he does talk about future things a bit, not necessarily with me in his future but in general. However, I will not be letting anyone push me into anything and will be sure to catch that flag. We are planning a meet up this weekend, I think meeting him in person is going to clear up a lot. and anyway, Okcupid says we are a 79% match so it must be fine :) joking of course! thanks for all your help with this guys, im so clueless about boys now!

 

post #96 of 142
pushing or rushing you at all is a huge one. If he really likes you, then he should be willing to take as long as is necessary to get to know you.


Totally agree with this one.

 

I personally don't put much stock into anything online until you've met. You see a person so much differently when chemisty and body language is involved.
 

 

post #97 of 142

I've seen the text-guy a few more times and we've had a great time together.  The other night though he asked me to promise not to fall in love with him bc he is a heartbreaker.  I asked him why he says that and he said his heart is hidden behind a huge wall because it's healing (he was engaged a couple years ago and apparently it ended badly).  So now I keep thinking about that and wondering if I should back off or keep seeing him and take my chances but be careful.  He acts like he's totally into me so I'm confused by the mixed messages.  I swear I will never understand guys!  What do you all think of this?  

post #98 of 142

Hung out with my friend yesterday.  He had invited several friends/families over.  We had a great time and it was special getting to know his friends/the people he considers family.

post #99 of 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by Moochie Mamma View Post

I've seen the text-guy a few more times and we've had a great time together.  The other night though he asked me to promise not to fall in love with him bc he is a heartbreaker.  I asked him why he says that and he said his heart is hidden behind a huge wall because it's healing (he was engaged a couple years ago and apparently it ended badly).  So now I keep thinking about that and wondering if I should back off or keep seeing him and take my chances but be careful.  He acts like he's totally into me so I'm confused by the mixed messages.  I swear I will never understand guys!  What do you all think of this?  



Oh gods, yuck. If a man said that to me, I'd refer him to an individual therapist and tell him I might check in on him in a year or two. What he said is annoying at best.

 

I know just enough about archaeology to know that what's on the surface is just an indication of what may have happened before. And if he is dating rather than doing this healing proactively, his priorities are out of whack. Now he's trying to make you responsible for the drama. It's gross. He's either ready to hang out with you or he's not. And what the hell is 'falling in love' anyway, that's some drama talk.

 

I call major red flag.

post #100 of 142
Quote:

 

I call major red flag.



Me too.  If someone said that to me I'd flash a look at my non-existent watch and say - Oh my look at the time!  It was lovely spending the evening with you!  Gotta run!  LOL 

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