Help, 5 yo DS "I hate Mommy" and "Mommy is stupid" at every frustrating event, how to deal? - Page 2

[Fuzzy Bee]

It is all about context. People who dance around the words "you're stupid" use phrases like that. The reason why this is such a problem when it comes to people like this is that they never take responsibility for a stupid decision. They act like they never made a bad decision. You don't sound like a person like this.

Originally Posted by Tigerchild 

I disagree that that those (except for the last one, that seems to me to be pointless to say after the fact) mean "you're stupid."  They could certainly be *said* with that meaning, but I don't think they have to be!  I have said, "Hmmm, I wouldn't choose to do that," but it's followed up with, "But if that's your choice, then I will respect that."  (unless it's a safety issue--I won't respect one of my kid's desire to punch their sib for example).  I have said, "Wow, maybe that wasn't such a good idea..." (which kinda means the same as "that was a bad idea") but it's in a context of a discussion where the kid has already come to that conclusion, and then i help/reflect with them to brainstorm ways to deal with the consequences or make amends.

Some of the ideas that I (or my kids) have ARE bad ideas!  I have even said in front of my kids when I made a poor/unwise decision that impacted all of us, "WHOA, now *that* was a bad idea on my part--I guess I'll have to try to fix it by doing X, yikes!  Oh well, i guess I will know better next time, sorry about that!"  Is there something i'm missing wrt acknowledging that a bad/unwise idea is not a good thing to do...or is it a language thing? (the word "Bad" being...bad.)

[Tigerchild]

Gotcha.  Yeah, people who say one thing while clearly thinking something way different give me the willies too--though for me i tend to be set on edge by the people who are smiling nicely and saying "okay, honey" in that scary mom voice.  eeep!

[ssh]

We're more likely to tell my 5 year old DD that using the word stupid for people is rude and hurts their feelings. Inanimate objects can't care so I don't think it matters. For an "I hate you" remark I'm usually say "you're angry me with me." and with an older child "I love you anyway." I have told her that telling people you hate them hurts their feelings. She does have a few friends who think both words are bad words. I think it's ok for a child to say they hate apple juice or hate that their stupid toy is broken. We tend to deal with rude behavior by pointing it out calmly and then ignoring it.

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by Caneel 

I appreciate the feedback.

What I find interesting/puzzling is that we never give into his tantrums so he certainly isn't learning that his bad behavior gets him his own way yet he continues.

Which should tell you that this is largely developmental -- it's about him losing control, not about him getting what he wants. As he gains maturity, he'll be able to handle his emotions better, especially if you react calmly like you did.

Originally Posted by D_McG 

Originally Posted by LynnS6 

I treat "I hate you" the same as I treat physical violence. Kids at this age are learning that words have power, and when they're mad, they tend  wielding that power with all the subtlety of a Viking on a raid. So, there are two things that my kids need to learn: Words can hurt and how to control their verbal anger. But, I don't give too much weight to those words because I know that it's largely developmental.

I usually send my child to their room, or if they won't go, remove myself from their presence.

I do this, minus the last part. I will not leave the room if they are rude. THEY are out of line so they are the ones who need to leave. IMO it's giving them too much power to leave the room

Ah, it all depends on your perspective. Sometimes my asking them to leave the room if they've been rude can escalate into a power struggle over getting them to leave the room. Disengaging gives me the power to not be insulted. I cannot control other people's behavior, but I can control my reaction to them. The ironic thing is that if I walk away, my kids are desperate to follow me, even if they're mad at me. For me, it's not about who's out of line, it's about "When you insult me, I don't want to be with you."

In reality, these days, I rarely have to do more than say "that was rude" or "try again". Dd has become sooo much better at controlling her tone of voice these days. She still loses frequently, but I can tell she's working on it.