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to those who have struggled with eating disorders

post #1 of 118
Thread Starter 
anyone want to join a support thread? i was thinking we could talk about our pasts, how far we've come (or havent come), and most importantly what we grapple with now. anyone? here, i'll start.....
post #2 of 118
Thread Starter 
i keep thinking i should start this thread and then i keep chickening out because i only do computer time after dd is in bed and frankly, by evening i just want to forget i am struggling with food right now (again).

i am bingeing at least once a week lately, and chronically overeating. (no purging though. yippee. we must celebrate small miracles) this time is different though, because i am somewhat commited to just ride this one out, which i have really never done before. i have always squelched this tendency to eat myself into physical and emotional misery. by that i mean, when i see myself gaining weight, and i panic, i either begin a purging habit. or i get a prescription drug. or i get an illegal drug. or an over the counter drug. or i get pregnant (only happened twice, but worked like a charm :LOL ) all of these ways to avoid getting to the root of whats bothering me, or what i cant figure out about eating that the rest of the world seems to know.

so this time i am patting myself on the back a bit because i have just dealt with father issues that have held me down for a long, long time. and i had a long drawn out miscarriage experience dec-feb. and my sweet sweet kitty has gone blind , and a dearly loved freind commited suicide just over a year ago. so its been a rough time. and what does ten or fifteen extra pounds matter in light of all that? i am gonna learn how to deal with this sh*t. and i am gonna overeat. until i figure out that it wont solve anything, and that i can find a way to stop all on my own.

but it is so so hard. i only have one pair of pants that fits now. and i cant afford to buy more. we are that broke. i go to bed in the same pear of pants i wear all day. and when they need to be washed, i wear a skirt. it still a bit too cold for skirts but oh well. pretty soon i am gonna HAVE to go to good will and pick up some funky new threads. fortunately, while i dont love the way i look right now, i dont loathe it either, like i always have been full of hatred for myself when i gain in the past. of course, i dont look in the mirror too long, either.

i guess another issue i am dealing with in this is honesty with dh. he is health nut. and it is so easy for him. so he doesnt understand. and it is undestandably infuriating for him to pick up my slack when i am under the weather from eating junk. and we cant afford it. so i hide often hide it. i am learning to be honest about it sometimes, though.

and last but not least, we are planning to try to concieve again in april. i want a baby so badly. but i dont want to go into a pregnancy until i feel healthy. so i am on a time line. i just dont know what to do if i dont have this worked out a bit better by april 17 (date of next expected ovulation). should i get pregnant? should i wait? i dont have to worry about eating badly while pregnant, the hormones really keep me wanting healthy food. but i dont want to wuss out on fixing my issues either, KWIM?

ok, enough for now. did anyone read all that? holy moly.
post #3 of 118
Well i can't write much, i'm on a time crunch, but i have in the past and still do struggle with all of it. I've been every extreme from under to overweight, anorexic, bulimic, over-eater, to all in between. I've been in therepy 5 times, once pretty extensively, and have worked with a nurtitionist twice. It helps, but only for awhile. I love the www.sfwed.com website, they are pretty supportive. As I've gotten older, it seems like even more of a ridiculous problem for me to have, as it's connotated primarily with teen girls. And with three girls of my own, and addiction issues in my family, I worry... thanks for opening this topic up!
post #4 of 118
Well, I've never had an eating disorder- I've only read a few books on this topic. So is it ok if I read here, ask a few questions, make a few comments, and offer some support?
I'd like to understand more about this.
post #5 of 118
Count me in. I am a recovering bulimic, though my story sounds alot like Heather's. I started at age 14 and really did not have any control over my disease until I was 30. I went to intense therapy for three years which really helped me. I still have many food issues, mainly not having a good diet, but I do not binge/purge anymore.
post #6 of 118
Thread Starter 
hi. glad to see some replys. heathere, i am gonna check out that website when i have more time and mental energy (like in about ten years, no just kidding)
doula mom vicky, will you tell me more about what you mean by 'intense therapy' and how you think it helped you? i have done tons of therapy, not sure what all worked, or if i have just gotten better with time.
wonderfulmom, its ok with me, as long as everyone else is ok with that. will you all please say yeah or nay next time you respond, or any new posts do the same? i am curious wonderfulmom, what draws you to this topic?
post #7 of 118
I'm a chronic overeater. I think this is to combat the anorexic tendencies. I posted about this about a month ago. I'll find the link.

Anyway, I've only given into those tendencies once. I have the thoughts all the time though. Binging and purging never appeals to me. Well, the binge appeals but not the purge. So, I would stuff myself and then not eat for 3 days.

It would just be easier to post the link than re-type it all.....
post #8 of 118
post #9 of 118
I haven't seen a 'nay' yet, so I will address your question-
sunbaby (and group):

I really would like to understand eating disorders better.
I wonder how food/eating sort of takes on a life of it's own.
Are good therapists in this field rare?
How far back do you remember eating/not eating like this?
What about smoking-instead-of-eating? & body image/media?

I can't remember which book- but one woman described how she ate one-fourth of a bagel crumb-by-crumb. I was in awe of her self-control/self-discipline- but I didn't understand.

I have a thin build (though I'm not 'skinny' like when I was younger) and it seems my body always cues me what/when/how much to eat. So how are these cues formed?

Of course anyone can read this thread. I could lurk, and if I had a comment or question I could pm someone. (And they could always ignore me!)
But I thought asking this way was a more upfront way to do things.
post #10 of 118
Without getting into too much detail, this is something I've struggled with all my life. It's very important for me now not to put too much thought on weight loss because either one of two things will happen. I'll either overeat or I'll start starving myself. This is a struggle that I don't think will ever go away. I can remember a time when people were telling me I was getting too thin and I still thought I was fat. Man, now I know what fat is. :LOL

I wonder how food/eating sort of takes on a life of it's own.

It's different for everyone. For me it started when I was in highschool. I felt like I had no control over anything in my life, was depressed, and was always teased about being fat as a kid. It was too hard to eat a proper diet. Believe it or not, starving was easier for me.

Are good therapists in this field rare?

I don't know. I never talked to anyone about it. I've written more here than I've ever told anyone before.

]How far back do you remember eating/not eating like this?

First when I was a young teen, and then again when I was around 18 after my father died. That set it off again. I could go either way when depressed. Either I'll overeat or I'll go hungry.

What about smoking-instead-of-eating? & body image/media?

I've done it, but that was a long time ago.

I can't remember which book- but one woman described how she ate one-fourth of a bagel crumb-by-crumb. I was in awe of her self-control/self-discipline- but I didn't understand.

Sounds crazy right? Even crazier is that when you are done eating that 1/4 of a bagel crumb at a time you feel like you've overeaten.

I have a thin build (though I'm not 'skinny' like when I was younger) and it seems my body always cues me what/when/how much to eat. So how are these cues formed?

Good question. I think the problem is knowing when you are full, or eating after you feel full. When you are starving yourself you feel less hungry over time and that becomes easier than eating but stopping before you binge. For me, I am often hungry when I shouldn't be. If I ate every time I was hungry I'd gain a ton of weight.
post #11 of 118
Ann Marie I'm the same way. If I restrict my eating (which to me is dieting, NOT simply eating healthy) I either start binging/ purging or just restrict further and further until I'm eating 300 calories a day. One summer a few years back, I ate 300 calories a day the entire summer and lost nothing, due to my thyroid. So even eating abnormally doesn't help me, which though demented it's like even though ed's are really bad the one thing you do get out of them is weight loss, kwim?

And junk food? If it's around, I eat all of it, and sometimes b/p. So then we never have junk food around, or we do and my hubby hides it, which makes me feel like a 2 year old...

clearly i still have issues as well. It never goes away.
post #12 of 118
A friend of mine, whom I am convinced has an eating disorder, once sat in front of me eating the SAME hershey kiss for 2 hours. She slowly shaved off little slivers of chocolate. This was her lunch!

Then I found myself doing the same thing about 3 years later. It is amazing what you can "convince" yourself of.
post #13 of 118
I read these and it brings tears to my eyes because my story is the same.

I was in intense therapy - inpatient for two weeks and follow up for two years. Until that point, I was able to hide my disorder for the most part - except at points when I was way too thin. I just kind of fell apart. I laughed at what you said AnneMarie, I know what fat is now too.
post #14 of 118
Do you guys overeat in order to mask your disorder-like tendencies?? I feel like that is what I do. I over compencate for how I really feel.
post #15 of 118
I am bulimic. I mean, I was very sick from the end of high school through age 23. I am 36 now, and I still go through phases, like recently, where I will purge a few times a week. I overeat--not so much quantity, but I eat for comfort. I still struggle with poor body image--partly because I still persist in wanting to be as thin as I used to be, and partly because of my post-pregnancy body, which will never be the same. I spent a lot of years in therapy, and have recently begun therapy again. I am sort of glad I don't have girls, because I am afraid I would f*** them up. Part of my problem is that I have so many ideals about what I would like to be ( in terms of my spiritual self, physical self), so little time in which to work on either, and I feel bummed and I just eat.
post #16 of 118
I am an emotional overeater... I use food to get through anything and everything difficult in my life. I feel guilt for this all of the time.... and I know I'd be a better person overall if I could just get help for this.... but I have NO idea where to go for help, and it frustrates me so much.: I have been to some doctors of all kids to get help, and these people always tell me that diet and excersice will help me lose weight.....well DUH!! I said I have a problem with overeating...not that I'm a complete moron. None of them seem to understand that it is not a phsyical problem...it is an emotional problem... I've asked for referrals to people specializing in eating disorders, and it seems they always have problems with my insurance provider. I don't want to give up looking for help....but it is getting so tiring to me...

edited to add: I was also bullimic for 6 years, and still purge ocassionally... Again, I've reached out for help for this problem and was sent to a nutritionist and paid a $25 co-pay once a week to be told what foods are good, and what foods are not good. Again.....DUH!! VERY frustrating!!!
post #17 of 118
bumping this thread... having a bad day.... I hate having all this easter candy in the house... . Anyone else have problems around holidays?
post #18 of 118
Thread Starter 
oh yes heather, i hear you on that holiday issue. even dd's easter candy isnt safe. and i know she will notice if i thieve. i keep thinking about this thread, but have been super busy all of a sudden, so that's why i havent replyed much. hopefully a big post soon.
post #19 of 118
Oh mamas, welcome me home! I am both relieved to be here and sad that we all suffer the same way.

I have been eating disordered since I was 12, when we moved from rural NJ to NYC. I just felt so out of control, and food was the one thing I could control. Became anorexic then and just ricocheted between there, bulimia, and compulsive overeating until now.

When I was 19, I screwed up my esophagus and vomited a toilet full of blood. I have rarely purged since then.

I have had periods of BAD anorexia, been hospitalized for it, had it go into remission for a while, had it come back, etc. Seems like it never, ever is very far away.

Presently I am a binge eater. I will devour any junk food type thing in the house. I frequently cannot stop til it is all gone. I try to compensate for this by not eating all day...saving the calories for the night after everyone's asleep.

DH knows I have a problem with food. He deals with the issue of disappearing food relatively well, yet I am so ashamed that I just can't control myself better.

In reality, the only thing that keeps me from going back to a semi-anorexic lifestyle is the fact that I am still nursing DS. When I don't eat enough, I really have supply issues. I guess I am thankful for this. I am proud that I love DS more than myself. I was always very selfish before DS, and this is one of the most obvious ways in which he's helped me to become a better person.

I try not to talk about my food issues, particularly my anorexia, or anyone else's, because I feel that it's really contagious! I get kind of jealous, for lack of a better word, of another's control or size or what-have-you, and then there I go again!

I used to smoke cigs, but then became pregnant and now would never smoke again. But those were the days! I could smoke rather than eat for long periods of time. I know to someone who has a normal relationship with food, this sounds insane, but I'll bet some of you will know what I mean.

I'm sorry if I am romanticizing my illness, but I am presently so f***ing tired of feeling fat! I'm still 15 lbs more than I want to be, 25 lbs heavier than when I got pregnant. My stomach is droopy and loose and I hate it! It's so hard to live with a body so different from how I used to be!

OK, that's my story. I am really sorry if I kicked up anyone's "monster"...I am just so tired of feeling fat, and wanting to binge, and being painfully full from a binge, and feeling badly about myself. I guess you guys know the drill.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for being here.
post #20 of 118
Thank you guys again for this thread. It feels kind of good to come out with the truth.

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