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to those who have struggled with eating disorders - Page 6

post #101 of 118
I am having trouble with my ED right now. I am at an all time high weight and those old tendencies are creeping back. I started with my ED at age 11,also the age of my first suicide attempt.
post #102 of 118
Is something triggering your symptoms?

How can we help?
post #103 of 118
Aside from your "all time high weight", how is your general health right now?
post #104 of 118
Originally Posted by solstar
I am having trouble with my ED right now. I am at an all time high weight and those old tendencies are creeping back. I started with my ED at age 11,also the age of my first suicide attempt.

I'm sorry you are struggling. I am too, and it too was because (partially) by being at an all time high weight. I'm also going through some pretty big stuff emotionally, so I know that that is what is underlying this whole thing.

If you feel comfortable sharing some more of your struggle, maybe we can help or offer some more specific support.
post #105 of 118
I've never been one to purge, although I've done it plenty of tines, but I've been binge eating since I was about 9. This came at a time when I started being molested and I too attempted suicide at that age. The only way that I can manage it is to be on some sort of strict diet. I will never be able to just eat what I want, because I can't stop myself. The biggest I got was 260 and it took years to lose the weight (down to 135) and maintain it. Funny, I was finally slim wearing a size 6 and I was still not happy with myself. I wanted to be 115. There are things I do to keep myself from doing it though.

Stick to a specific diet plan
Don't buy any goodies for myself that aren't approved for that diet
Don't bake deserts (I cant resist fresh baked cookies)
Don't even take one bite of something not allowed because then I can't stop myself.
Don't drink alcohol, it increased the appitite and I am too easily swayed.

Some people say, well just control yourself, you can have one cookie. Well I can't just control myself, it doesn't work that way. Eating one cookie could lead to a 2 week binge. I wish I could be normal, I hate being this way.
post #106 of 118

I'm sorry for what you went through when you were a kid. I know the pain of sexual abuse too. I too used food to deal with it and it has been a life long struggle for me. I very much relate to your statement of being very strict with yourself in order to not go on a binge. I 've had people tell me "Can't you just eat a small healthful meal?" My answer is "no".

But, I know that I can't do that because even if I'm not "acting out" with the ED, it is in my head. So restricting or being strict in order to keep from bingeing is still ED behavior.

I read your list of "rules" and I totally get/understand those. What came to my mind when I read them was "wouldn't it be nice to be able to maintain your desired weight, but not have to abide by those rules to do it?" It seems to me that because you have those strict rules - and they keep you from bingeing - then you are still caught in the ED. Don't get me wrong. I totally understand the need and the control that those rules give you. I have similar rules, and I so wish that I could just eat without it being a battle in my head.

Have you ever gone or thought about going to see a therapist to help you deal with your past and also with the ED? I finally found a good one and even though it has been the hardest thing I've ever done, it has been so wonderfully helpful.

post #107 of 118
I am at 163 when last yr I was a 3/4.
My therapist thinks maybe my mom moving in has triggered it.
post #108 of 118
Is there anything that worked for you in the past that has helped you get back on track?

As a pp said, try and eliminate the rules. My idea of recovery is to eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. That's it. It all stays down, I don't deprive myself.. what do you think about that?

Can you make binging 'not an option'?
post #109 of 118
Right now I'm just trying to get back to my ideal weight. Then I will try to eliminate some of the rule. Yes I have been on meds and been through therapy. The meds helped a lot with my moodswings, but I didn't find therapy all that useful.
post #110 of 118
Originally Posted by Sharlla

Some people say, well just control yourself, you can have one cookie. Well I can't just control myself, it doesn't work that way. Eating one cookie could lead to a 2 week binge. I wish I could be normal, I hate being this way.
I know exactly what you mean...
post #111 of 118
Hugs to everybody.
I am 25 and have been bulimic from 15 to 22. I have seen a therapist and done a lot of research by myself. I put on a lot of weight during those awful years.

I am pregnant now with my first but I have already strech marks all over my body because I had been very big, then skinny, then bigger than the first time, etc...... I now eat in a healthy way, organic and all that.... when I look at when I did to my body, what disgusting foods I ate, the amount of food I put into my poor body I really have to thank my mother for making me the healthier meals when I was a child because otherwise, I'm sure I would have some problems now (diabetis or such).

So many women struggle with it... some of them you would never guess.... let not be guilty

Love to all
post #112 of 118

How do you keep you DC from having your food issues?

I'm having a hard time with this. People think I'm crazy because I only feed DS 'perfect' food. Organic whole grains, fruits, veggies, some cheese -- he's never had refined foods -- except for some whole grain crackers and a pizza crust -- no sugar, ect.

I want to teach him moderation and that all foods can fit into a healthy diet. I want him to eat when he's hungry and stop when he's full, and listen to what his body is craving.

I've been hospitalized for it a few times and the last two times, there have been boys/guys in the ED unit..I don't want my son to end up there.

So, let me put this question out there...how do you keep your DC from having your food issues? Or, how to you teach them to have a healthy relationship with food?
post #113 of 118
12 step group, great support.
post #114 of 118
Hey, mamas! I just wanted to jump in here and lend some support, as well as introduce myself. I posted in a thread back a while ago-maybe in mental health on eating disorders. Here's a quick overview of my struggle and recovery

-Began my eating disorder at 12 years-Anorexia
-Continued w/ my ED through high school-I went back and forth between Anorexia w/ purging and Bulimia w/ restricting
-College was the real start of my spiral downward. I was sexually assaulted. My ED got really bad. Mostly Anorexia w/ purging. I was in therapy, but really wasn't ready.
-3 years ago this month I went into in-patient treatment at the Renfrew Center, FL. It was truely a life saver. I was way underweight. My mind didn't work very well. I had withered away. I remember being at my therapist's office w/ my parents before I went and her asking me if I was really ready to go. And I was!

I signed myself in and stayed for 3 months. My stay at the Renfrew center began as 100% supervised w/ out rights to walk the grounds to and Extended Care program, where we could go out to eat and other things in the community. I even went on an overnight trip.

I did a lot of work there-from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed-indiv. therapy, group therapy, art/movement, etc. You name it...I was doing it. I practiced yoga-a major love of my life now. It helped me to accept myself and the skin I am in, as well as find a peaceful place in my life.

When I was released I continued meeting w/ my therapist here and a nutritionist. However, those appointments grew less frequent b/c I was doing well. In August after my release I got pregnant and was medicine free I was able to end my therapy sessions in October and haven't been back since. I was able to watch my body change and my skin stretch w/ such love and admiration, something that I was never able to do before. Even now, w/ my dd not too far from being two, I look at all my stretch marks and feel such and beauty!

Food is now my friend. It nourishes my body, mind and spirit. When I look at it I see just that. I have made peace w/ my rape. I want to raise my dd in a way that she never feels pressure from me, society, or anyone else that she needs to look, feel, etc. a certain way. To me the best way of doing this is through modeling.

I write this post, not to make anyone feel bad, but to give hope to others struggling w/ the ED still. I realize that I have only been in recovery for 3 years, and I am not aware of what the universe will throw my way in the future. All I can hope is that the tools that I have learned can guide me w/ happiness and peace in my body and spirit!

Peace and Encouragement to all you mamas.

*I'm subscribing to this one
post #115 of 118
I just found this thread.
I'm a recovering bulimic. I was hospitalized for two months at Johns Hokins about two years ago. I'm done pretty well since then with a few short episodes (oops). Since I got pregnant (one year ago), I've been on my best behavior. My dd is four months now. I exclusively breastfeed, which helps keep me in line (I don't want to jeapordize my bf relationship by messing up my electrolites, etc). But I am getting frustrated with my weight. I have only lost 20 or so pounds of my pregnancy weight so far. And most of that was just in the first few weeks post partum. I've been obsessing and binging a bit (not crazy binges, just over eating a lot), and I'm afraid of going overboard to compensate.
I did call the Johns Hopkins unit yesterday and requested the 2500 calorie exchanges. In the hospital, we were taught to eat bases on the exchange system. I guess I feel like I have to go back to that for now to get back in control. I think 2500 calories should be about right for a breastfeeding mama. So far, I'm just following the meal plan and working on avoiding anything else. But I'm just sort embarrassed that this has to be so difficult for me. I hate that I have this all or nothing mentality. The other night, I felt myself slipping into the negative thought patterns of punishment and control about food.

Anyway, I just wanted to vent, and maybe get a little support. I'm trying to regain control the right way. It's just so hard!
post #116 of 118

It sounds like you are doing the exact right thing. You are acknowledging your distorted thoughts, and working on regaining control before you get out of control. That's awesome! It is so hard to reach out and ask for help sometimes, but it sounds like you are doing great!

I just got out of 6 weeks of IP and IOP, and it is a struggle for me right now. Some days I can make it without giving in to the ED behaviors, and others days, well, I'm trying. What I did learn was to reach out for help, and to not knock myself and shame myself when I screw up.

Hang in there! It sounds like you are doing a great job! I agree, follow the meal plan (one of the hardest things for me to do), and that should give you some of the structure that you need.

post #117 of 118
I haven't been able to write until now, with baby in my arms, it's hard to type and wipe tears, kwim? Anyways, I am a recovering anorexic with purging, but no binging, though officially diagnosed as EDNOS because I didn't get small enough before I was forced into therapy. Talk about the system working against you huh?

My story started in high school, where I worked my butt off in all honors and advanced classes, swim team, and cheer squad, plus having to be the perfect daughter and big sister. I can't even remember when I started because it's been so long ago, though I think I remember it starting at 16, when my bf of 4 years dumped me for not having sex with him (I was a virgin and ashamed to be seen naked). At some point in the spring of 2001, I was 5'5" and I weighed 112 lb. Nobody ever told me that I looked good or looked bad that I can remember, but I still felt incredibly heavy. By that time I had developed a huge fear of being overweight (my mom is) and really thought that I looked the same as she did, even now, looking at pictures of then, I see myself as overweight. This yo-yo'd all through the rest of high school and college, until I was eating the least I'd ever eaten, even though I wasn't at my thinnest. That's when I got pregnant with DS. Before he came, I had had 3 miscarriages and developed hypothyroidism, which I will now live with the rest of my life. I haven't restricted in over a year now, but I say recovering because part of me is still looking forward to DS weaning himself, so that I can finally get my current weight under control. I think I am actually overeating now, and I know it's not good because I have food hiding all over our house and I won't eat a whole lot until DH is asleep. I go to curves, but instead of concentrating on getting healthy, all I think about is "Am I thinner than her?" "Are my thighs showing?" "Can anyone see my stomach through my shirt?" I went from 179 to 173 in one month, which I know is a healthy weight loss, but I am now dreading my weigh-in next week. Some days I do really well, eat 3 healthy meals, and dont' think about my problems at all, other days, it's all I can do to shove food in my mouth, and sometimes I won't eat all day because I know once DH gets home from work I will have to. I have been to see a therapist once, during my pregnancy, she didn't do a whole lot to helpe, because I wasn't restricting while I was pregnant. She would ask one question about my eating at the beginning of the session, then we would focus on my severe anxiety disorder.

Anyways, I just wanted to share my struggles and my story. Big hugs to all of you!
post #118 of 118
I also want to add that my DH knows, but doesn't understand, and hasn't asked me how he can help. He harasses me about food (what I'm eating, how much I'm eating, how often...) all the time. He thinks he's just making jokes and picking on me.

Also, my parents, sisters, and the rest of my family know nothing. I am too afraid to tell them.What am I afraid of? I don't know. I think part of it is that I am afraid they will try to stop me later if I start again.

OK, I have to go be a milk bar...
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