to those who have struggled with eating disorders - Page 3

[veganmamma]

I'm : for right now, not feeling up to posting on this tonight, but I iwll. Thank you for starting this thread.

[Aura_Kitten]

:

i've only read through a few of the first replies but i wanted to poke my head in and say i'm glad i'm seeing this on MDC. it seemed almost taboo in the Mothering community.

[Bethla]

I have a cousin a year older than me. She and I always spent a lot of time together, even though we lived far away from each other. Growing up I always saw her as the perfect pretty one. Her parents were divorced and her mom and dad were both very obsessive with personal appearance and perfection in just about everything. After my cousin graduated from college her life started to change. I think she was trying to find herself. She tried many different jobs and many different boyfriends and finally settled on a job and a boyfriend that were really wrong for her. Her boyfriend was as old as her dad. It was a really strange time for her and she bacame an airline stewardess. Being far away from home brought her into a deep depression and I'm pretty sure this is the time that the bulemia started. I noticed some signs but never quite put them together as an "eating disorder". She came up with my grandparents to visit me after my second son was born. She was really sickly thin and strange around food. She would disappear after meals and come back acting strangely. My brother overheard her in the bathroom and brought it to the attention of my dad who in turn called her dad (his brother) and told him about the suspicious behavior and the probability that she was bulemic. Her dad confronted her and she started therapy. She and I didn't discuss the issue for several years. And I wonder how could the people so close to her not know what was going on? Did they turn a blind eye? Did they not know how to even approach the subject? It seemed strange that relatives 400 miles away picked up on it. I still feel like she acts strangely around me, we are not as close as we once were. We lead very different lives, but I still feel like she resents me for finding out about the bulemia. Most of my family still doesn't know, and we are a tight-knit bunch.

[Gr8Dreamer]

Bethla, your cousin might be feeling what I feel sometimes. Being anorexic for me means being in total control of my body. It was my little secret that gave me a lot of comfort in this always-changing world. I'd get compliments on how "good" I looked, which, in a way, fueled my ed. Now that I'm nursing, I absolutely have to eat or I feel like just laying on the couch all day because I have no energy. My ed sometimes manifests itself as bingeing.

No one ever found out about my anorexia because I was so athletic (all athletes are supposed to be a little on the skinny side anyway, right?) and very good at hiding it. I only let my parents know within the last year, and my one sister knew about it for years because she's a recovering binger. We've helped each other through a lot.

Btw, my parents were shocked, but very apologetic, even though I remind them that it was/is not their fault. Every person I know who's dealing with an eating disorder is also very good at keeping it top secret. I was so good at it that I never really had a complete grasp of the implications and causes of my ed until the last few years.

In the past, when I had full-blown anorexia, I would only resent someone and get totally defensive if they even hinted at me being anorexic. I coudn't handle such an invasion to my private little safe controlled world. I would deny it until I died. I guess it's like my gay friend. She denied she was gay to everyone, though it was plain to her friends and family (though they'd never want to publicly admit it). Now that she's out, she's proud and making waves for other "closets" to not be ashamed.

So, my point is, my secretiveness has turned to activism. I still fall back into my old habits, it's so easy, but as I mentioned in an earlier post, the fight against the patriarchal establishment has given me the strength to be healthy . . . most of the time.

My neighbor is a recovering alcoholic, and we laugh about how similar we are with our challenges to "recover."

Hugs to all. You're all beautiful.

[Naughty Dingo]

I was drawn to this thread and debated replying.

I struggled for many years with Anorexia and Bulimia. I have also fought my way back from serious major depression twice. I now live a healthy life but had never been able to get rid of that incredibly powerful feeling of extreme discomfort in/with my body. I have also reacted very predictably to stress in my life....the portions get controlled, and I cut out any sort of eating that I can. It is much easier for me that way and I have always figured that this is what would be "normal" for me. I was happy to live this way until my first daughter was born. I am very cogniscant of the fact that she will model my behavior and one of my biggest wishes for her is that she is never a slave to this food and body image obsession like I am. I have worked hard to change my way of thinking but have not had success.

With my second pregnancy though, something happened. It was truly a "silver lining" type of thing. The PG had several complications and by the third trimester, I was depressed again. This was actually something I had really feared happening. My doctor suggested I start medication and I was open to that. I started taking an extremely low dose of Zoloft (25 mg once a day). The depression lifted and I went on. The amazing thing about it is that after the birth, I had positive feelings about my body and my appearance. I thought that it was just the "Oh wow, I am no longer 40 weeks pregnant, aren't I thin?" feeling but it has persisted. I feel like I look great even though the pregnancy has left me 20 pounds overweight and 3 sizes bigger. I discontinued the medication when I felt like my spirits were doing well and experienced both a recurrence of depression and my negative body image. So needless to say, I started the meds again. Amazingly, I felt like a beautiful superwoman again once the drugs were in my system. I couldn't believe it.

I would have never said that there could be a magic pill to heal one of the deepest roots of my problem but I feel like for me, there truly is.

I can't believe that this is the way that "normal" people live. It is so good. I used to contemplate the question of whether it would be better to be fat and not mind it, or to be ED'd and be thin. I always felt that thin was better at all costs but now I have to say I am experiencing the other side. It is wonderful and I hope I never have to go back.

Thanks for starting this thread, it is amazing to me that there are so many of us.

Erika

[luckylady]

I am so glad I found this. Has anyone done any inner child work? I found this great website - innerbonding.com that I am going to start doing.

I am about 20 lbs overweight now - down from 50 lbs in December. So yay for that.

I am a sugar addict. There is no 1 cookie with me - it's all or nothing. Like a drunk.

I get into a shame spiral - binge, hate myself, binge some more - it's a form of self-sabotage and I am terrified to pass this on to my daughter. My mom also has an eating disorder. My sister had bulemia, I have never been able to make myself puke though I have tried...

I just want to be healthy.I want the day to go by without obsessing over food from the time I wake up until the time I go to sleep.

I do need a place where people understand this...addiction. I have decided to start researching WHY food is so addictive. I am that sort of person - logic makes me stop doing things.

I was a smoker and quit over 10 years ago. I was a total pot head and quit that. I was a drunk and quit that. Food is the final frontier. I had once replaced food with exercise - now food is back. So I need help.

I have considered OA. Has anyone gone to one of these meetings? DId it help?

Anyone done the inner child work? What do you think of that theory?

Thanks for starting this thread Sunbaby.

to us all.

[applejuice]

I'd get compliments on how "good" I looked, which, in a way, fueled my ed.

Yes, I totally agree. As I posted before, I recall starving down to 93 pounds, realizing that was an unhealthy weight for me, gaining back to 115 pounds, and then being turned down for a job because, "I was too fat...!"
want to publicly admit it). Now that she's out, she's proud and making waves for other "closets" to not be ashamed.

My neighbor is a recovering alcoholic, and we laugh about how similar we are with our challenges to "recover."

I totally agree with this also.

My MIL was an alcoholic. Her daughter, my SIL, is a compulsive shopper, although she can afford what she buys. However if her financial outlook changed suddenly, I personally feel she would have a problem curbing her desire to buy, buy, buy! My niece, her DD, is anorexic.

Yes, I feel you are correct in saying that the challenges to "recovery" are the same. I also feel that the roots of the problem behavior are the same also.

[mom2threenurslings]

to everyone! Thanks so much for sharing your stories and support.

I was basically taught to overeat/ eat unhealthily. I grew up in a "clean your plate" kind of household and we often (5 days a week) ate fast food. If we were sad, sick, having a bad day , etc., mom gave us ice cream, cookies, etc. When we were celebrating something, on a special occasion, after a performance, etc., we went out to eat. Dessert was a big thing in our household. I grew up overweight. After graduating high school and dropping out of college due to medical issues (knee collapsing, straining all the muscles in my back), I decided to lose weight (and also had a death wish due to abuse). I became anorexic/bulemic. I went form 200 to 150 in a couple months. My parents thought it was due to my "vegetarian" diet. I started to feel good about myself...things snowballed. I was never underweight, just not eating much and/or b/p. I destroyed my metabolism.

Fast forward to today. I'm very overweight and hating it. I want to lose weight, but am scared to try. No matter what I eat, I either stay at the same weight or gain weight. As soon as we have medical insurance, I'm going to get a physical and see if there's anything medically wrong, such as thyroid problems (like my mom had).

In the meanitme, my plan is this: for the rest of this week and all of next week I'm going to eat/drink whatever I want (within moderation), to get the cravings out of my system. I'm taking a week vacation from work next week and am going to take some "me" time to work out some issues, meditate, and set my goals for the next six months (we're planning to start ttc in late Dec/early Jan and I want to be at a healthy weight by then!).

again!!! Baby's awake..gotta run!

[thistle]

bumping up and thinking about posting more... How is everyone doing??

[2BMamaof3]

Originally Posted by sunbaby

...anyway, the main reason i am posting is to ask you guys, have you found anything that you can include in your life that seems to keep you out of the ffod issues? ...

Hi! I haven't read this entire thread, but this question popped out at me.

I'm a compulsive overeater (binge eating disorder). The ONLY way I've ever had any sanity or semblance of recovery from my eating disorder is by attending Overeater's Anonymous meetings, working the steps and using the tools of the program. Anyone else in recovery the 12 step way?? PM me if you'd like...I need more recovery contacts!

Abby

[Mizelenius]

I'm going to come back and read all the posts more carefully again, but here's my brief story . . .

First of all, I am promising you that I am going to post NO WEIGHTS or CALORIE COUNTS because ladies, those are TRIGGERS. You don't need to read or write about them . . .I recommend that future posters avoid this, too!

Anyway, I started seriously overeating when I was about 16. I started purging, because frankly, it felt better than being full. This developed into a brief stint with anorexia, then back to plain ol' bulima . . .I never felt "disciplined" enough to be anorexic!

This life of HELL . . .pure hell (I know you can relate!) lasted until I met my now DH (I was about 26 and am now almost 31). I don't know what it was that did it . . .I'd been hospitalized, in therapy, blah, blah, and somehow, it all clicked. I always tell DH that he's been a miracle in my life for that reason. We fight a lot and I've wondered how the heck we ended up together, but I truly think that being with him saved me.

I kept so many journals back in "those days" and I am just so, so, sad to see what my life was like. I feel embarrassed and ashamed, even though I know that it wasn't my fault. I think back to periods of my life, and everything is tainted by the eating disorder. I want to go back in time and enjoy everything the 2nd time around instead of planning my next binge or canceling plans with friends because I was too bloated, sick, or sad to go out.

I've thought a lot about this . . .how did I get better? How did everything that was so wrong go so right?

Oh, and someone posted about Geneen Roth . . .RUN, do not walk, to get her books. These books helped me enormously! They are so practical (yeah, it's nice to know "why" you have an ED, but THEN what??), easy to read, and written with love.
I'll post more later . . .but you'll all be in my thoughts!

[applejuice]

A little bit T,

But if anyone wants to know, those weight charts came from a man who worked for Metropolitan Life in the 1920's who had an obsession for thinness. So all of you who struggle to keep your weight in that range, no matter what your genes are doing to your body, can take solace.

Also the Body Mass Index, which is calculated by your weight in pounds times seven hundred three divided by the square root of your height in inches. A few years ago, if you got twenty-seven or more, you were considered overweight. Four years ago, this index was arbritrarily changed to twenty-five being the marker for obesity....

No wonder we are all obsessed by our weight.

I do not know if your doctor will agree, but this is the way this insanity came to be.

[Too Busy]

I just thought I'd bump this support thread... I used to post under a different name and am finding that I really need help right now.

I was doing WW and doing very well for awhile- eating all my points, not obsessively exercising, and sticking to the one weigh-in a week, etc, etc, etc...

Well, somewhere along the line I got off-track. I guess it is best described as an alcoholic only having "1 drink"... I guess I can never casually lose weight without getting out of control. I don't know. But I find myself "forgetting" to eat, going to the scale as many times a day as I can without DH finding out and getting frenzied about exercise. I guess when I started losing a little at a time, I started cutting corners to see if I could lose more and then it snowballed

I don't want this to become a trigger for anyone. I just need some support to get back on track. My DD still nurses a few times a day and at night so I try to focus on doing the best for her... but it is hard. The ED behavior is so engrained.

Anyway, just looking for some support. I know how hard it is to read about this and not feel your own triggers rising... I'm sorry if I'm causing this for anyone.

[DesireeH]

Poking my head in too.

I used to have eating disorder problems when I was a teenager. I was in 8th grade when I got an obsession with my weight. In 9th grade I went on all sorts of "diets" and then eventually just stopped eating any fat at all and then stopped eating in general, or chewing my food and spitting it out. I remember throwing up while the bathtub was running so that my parents couldnt hear me. I think I was about 15/16 at that point. I used to wear big baggy clothes all the time. I still have my diary from that age and it is horrible. I remember hoping I didnt wake up (sounds so selfish now) and crying because I hit 115 (I'm 5'7). I remember coming home from school and going straight to bed so that I wouldnt notice that I was hungry. I remember too sitting on the toilet and trying to pinch my fat and thinking how disgusting it was if I had any tummy at all when sitting down. I weighed myself like 10 times a day. I still do that but now I am on the opposite end of the spectrum.

I met my now dh when I was barely 17. I stopped doing that when I met him. Maybe because he loved me for who I was and I could forget about it. I dont know why I stopped. But I gained fast. I got married 2 months before I turned 19 and I had already packed on about 30 pounds. Then the first year we were married I gained almost 50 pounds, I hit 200. I was so depressed, I cried all the time, we were ttc too and I got diagnosed with PCOS and everything was just so horrible. I had a few miscarriages and then I did a low carb thing and had awesome willpower and lost 30 pounds in a month. I got pregnant not too long after with my son. After I had my son I GAINED weight again. I am huge right now. I dont understand how I could be at one end of the spectrum with extreme will power to the point of being hungry all the time to being a big blob that wants to do nothing about it now. It is miserable.

[hnybee]

:

[carolsly]

DesireeH...I saw your picture, you are so pretty!

Okay, http://www.obesityhelp.com/morbidobe...?N=S1035770977

There is my story. I so know how all of you feel. I struggle to be just overweight, even with weightloss surgery. It is a tool, not a easy way out (thank's Dr Phil..you lie). It was so hard to admit that I was powerless against my weight. That I, this natural mama, had to have my insides rewired to live. I'm not trying to sell Gastric Bypass or start a debate about it (I don't regret it). I just want to say that I know where you are coming from and I still have to struggle.

[bebe luna]

From about age 17 until about age 24 I struggled to overcome bulemia. I would starve myself as much as tolerable, then binge and purge...sometimes several x a day.
I no longer binge/purge, but have a problem getting myself to eat if I am feeling stressed/angry/sad, etc...
A few things that truly helped me overcome bumemia was regular exercise, shiatsu and acupuncture, and eating a more protiens and omega 3 oils...
A lot of research shows that stabilization of blood sugar and also increase in seretonin production helps diminish the urge to be bulemic...
bodywork, acupuncture, and exercise can all help increase seretonin production... the protiens and fats can aid in stabilizing blood sugar/insulin levels.
I truly have great compassion for anyone struggeling w/ an eating disorder... its a very crappy and sad place to be. There is hope though. I pray all of you who are struggeling can find balance.
I knbow I am not completely well. My mind is always chattering stupid old habitual thoughts from when I was bulemic... I also can easily get caught up in not eating, sometimes for days...

[mamamoo]

Just popping in. i want to post but can't really right now...

[Nathan1097]

I have had one *beep* of a week. I have had depression and anxiety for eight years now and it went into remission three years ago only to pop up again a week ago. Well, it happened in October, too, but my dr. said it was just frustration and I didn't need meds. I was having vivid homicidal visions. Still do. They came up last Friday and I called my dr. They put me on an anti-depressant. That's had some weird side-effects. I have lost 60-some pounds in the last year and a half and am now a muscular 111 lbs at 5'3". But this last week I have been so extremely stressed. My life is constant stress anyway and now just so many things at once, including breaking up with a guy I was dating that I was really crazy about, and etc. etc. So Friday I started having vivid visions of killing people and every day I woke up my stomach would be in complete turmoil. I mean I literally thought I'd throw up a few times. It got to the point where I bought a pregnancy test because of this. So that was negative so I had no idea until these visions started and then I saw my dr. and a social worker and my primary dr. who put me on anti-depressants. Well those are doing something- making me spacey and non-emotional and stuff and they say that will wear off. But yesterday I couldn't take the knawing in my stomach anymore. Either I felt like I'd throw up or couldn't eat and it would hurt when I did or something so I finally just made myself throw up. I'd had chicken and it was greasy and I don't normally eat that and that was the last straw. Took a bit of practice but it worked. Did I feel better? Not really. So I saw the social worker today again and told her all these things and more.... she didn't seem to care. She said "So you had a stomach ache and made yourself throw up.... but you're doing good and you lost sixty pounds...." Okay... is this what they call reverse psychology? I just feel BAD and throwing up feels good because it feels bad. I feel like I need to feel really bad. Which I told her! I feel like I don't care about what it can do. I'm in that mode. I told her this too. So I ate peas and soup this evening and threw that up and I was deciding on that to see what would be easy to throw up. Then I got really hungry so I had cereal and I didn't throw that up cuz I was getting a headache and you need SOME calories or your body will go into starvation mode. Anyway I wasn't doing it to restrict calories- just to get rid of the awful knawing feeling and kinda like screaming or crying or some other emotional release. In fact, I quite thought the actual act of getting myself to throw up was a lot like masturbation. Go figure, but its the truth.

Going to go hide now.... :

[AnnMarie]

Originally Posted by Nathan1097

In fact, I quite thought the actual act of getting myself to throw up was a lot like masturbation. Go figure, but its the truth.

Going to go hide now.... :

Do you mean you got some sort of satisfaction out of it?

And no reason to hide. You are among friends. s Everything will be OK Jennie. s