Depressed and need help. Whiny...rant, I'm sorry. :(

[Beauchamp]

I'm a SAHM to one little girl who is 20 months. So, nothing that I shouldn't be able to handle, right? I have spent most of today crying and it got worse when DD said "tears!" and brought me a towel to dry them. I am also 25 weeks PG. I just feel so alone. I do so much around the house and it just gets messy again, or DH leaves something on the counter that I just cleaned, or puts a dish in the sink for me to rinse, put in the dishwasher, etc. I feel totally unappreciated. I called him today and he said he was already driving! I was so happy for a split second thinking he was coming home early to be with me and DD. NOPE. He was driving to meet a buddy for a beer. For some reason that one little thing drove me over the edge and I just cried. I NEVER get to do things like that. I don't get those breaks. I have no good friends here IRL. The main place I connect with people is online.

And when he does get home he says he needs so much "help" to be with DD, feeding her, playing with her, etc. Yesterday he said he was going to play with her in her room, but he fell asleep on the floor in her room and she played around him. Eventually she threw a book at his head because she wanted him to read it, and then he was grumpy to me all night because that happened, and during my "break" while he "played with her" (i.e. slept in her room) I was on MDC, and that apparently ticked him off, because clearly I can only have free time that he approves of.

We tried seeing a counselor who immediately told me she "could never SAH" and kept pushing babysitters, etc, hardcore. She kept telling me about the daycare her kids went to, the network of people she had to help her watch her kids, etc. Well, we have NONE of that. She's been in this town for 20+ years. We got here in June. And I felt lost being told to get a baby sitter. From WHERE? DD has stayed with only her one grandmother and aunt for two hours one day. (And they were visiting from Ohio, so they aren't local.)

It's such a supreme effort to leave the house, get myself and DD ready, only to go to Target and walk around, or Kroger for endless repetitive grocery shopping for meals my DH will eat half of and then I throw spoiled leftovers away. There is not much to do in this town. The last two times we went to the library DD got sick soon after, so I am hesitant to go there. Besides, it's not *that* much fun.

I'm just so sad and overwhelmed and drowning.

[journeywooz]

 

are there any mama playgroups or do you see anything in the tribal areas around here?   mamas need other people around too.  it's important to get some time to yourself--perhaps if you meet other mamas, they'd be willing to do a childcare swap so the kids get to play and you get some time to yourself. 

what helped me was that i started scheduling times when DH is off work, and then i head out.  DD and DH will figure things out themselves.  and 20 months can be a tough age.  i really don't know what else to say.. i just can really relate.  hope someone else here has better advice.

[Harmony08]

I don't really know what to say but I couldn't read and not reply.  It sounds like you are really trying in a crappy situation.  I second the PPs suggestions to get out and try to make some mommy friends (easier said than done, I definitely know) and go places.  A sitter would probably help too (again much easier said than done).  Really the best thing would be to figure out a way to get more support from your DH.  You need some time to yourself and some quality time as a family.  If you talk to him and tell him that you are drowning do you think he will realize how important it is to come home and not go to the bar?

[Caitlin0919]

I know EXACTLY how you feel! DH used to go out after work A LOT. He actually spent the majority of my pregnancy and DD's first year out drinking because he was having trouble dealing with parenthood. He usually comes home from work and says he needs 10 minutes to himself before he'll do anything with DD and even then, he'll freak out if she wants to play with him, which she always does because she doesn't get to see him very often. He's volunteered to watch her so I can have some space and fallen asleep several times, and then he always has an excuse for why he couldn't stay awake(I worked all day, I don't feel well, I'm depressed, etc.) He's actually seeing a therapist now for anxiety because he gets so overwhelmed by her and by the idea of being a dad(after 2 1/2 years, go figure). Maybe your DH is having the same problems? Even if he isn't, I hope it helps to know that someone else is in the same boat.

[BetsyS]

I find being pregnant and having a toddler hard (and I've done it twice--my kids are 23 months apart two times).  It's hard. 

As for babysitting, if that's something you are interested in, some of my friends use a church's mothers' morning out program one day a week to get a morning to yourself. 

I have had a playgroup in the past (we've recently moved, and I don't have a new playgroup) that I found on meetup.com.  Nice group, and it was nice to have people to do simple things with (the park, playing at McD's in bad weather, the zoo, etc).  I've also been a part of a MOPS group in the past that was nice at the time.  And, at a different time, I did a weekly Ladies' Bible Study at a local megachurch (so most of the people weren't from the church, and it didn't feel weird to not know anyone).  Having something weekly to look forward to is nice. 

But, for me, I have to remember that the end of pregnancy is hard.  It's hard physically, and it's hard emotionally.  Get help where you can.  If your dh isn't great at playing with your dd, either force the issue (by leaving them home alone) or get him to help with other things (here's the rag, honey, to clean the bathroom!).  Plan easy meals.  Nap with your sweet toddler.  Take baths.  FIgure out small treats that you like, and go for them with gusto.  Things that make me happy and are easy and cheap--leaving at bedtime and picking out a trashy dessert from the freezer section at Kroger, getting a coke from Sonic during their afternoon happy hour, finding time to paint my toenails, having dh watch my kids and trying a new recipe, baths (oh, I love a bath during pregnancy!), and just small stuff like that.  It makes a difference in my outlook. 

Be easy on yourself, Mama!

[Super~Single~Mama]

I'm not a SAH, so take this with a grain of salt.

If your dd likes to read, try the library again.  My ds will sit there for HOURS and just POUR over books.  No, its not great for me, but he loves it and then is in a good mood the rest of the day.  Do they offer story times?  Get the arts and crafts schedule too.

Ask the librarians how you can find play groups, or babysitters, or where there are playgrounds in your town.  They'll know, or they'll be able to help you find out.  Talk to the children's librarian about what there is to do with kids in your town.  I know its not what you think of librarian's as doing at work, but trust me, they get weirder questions than that!  (My mom is a librarian, and you should hear some of her work stories!)

Hit the park - wear your dd out.  Seriously.  Talk to the people you meet.  Talk to the parents, the nanny's, whoever is at the park with their kids.  I know its hard - I'm terrible at it - the more you try the easier it gets. 

And what in the world is your husband doing going out after work when you've been taking care of his kid and his house all day?  You need to talk to him, and get him on board with you, and get some help.  Going out occassionaly would be OK - but when you're 25weeks pregnant and need help with the house and kid he needs to step in and help out!!

And, looking into some part time daycare might not be a bad idea if you can afford it.  I'm not thinking much - 2 mornings a week could get you some good time to yourself to relax and do things for you that you don't get to do otherwise.  I'm not saying you should work fulltime - just looking into it (which doesn't hurt - and also doesn't mean you're going to do it either).

[asraidevin]

Take some hand sanitizer or wipes with you and wash your hands frequently. Try to get into the habit of washing hands when you get home or before you get in the car. Try to find a daddy and me playgroup in the evenings, there was one in our area years ago. My DH was working nights so he never went, but I always thought it would be great. Try the triba`l area to find playgroups.

[journeymom]

I can only say that I'm so sorry that therapist was such a dud. Really, that would feel like having the rug pulled out from under me if the therapist simply told me to put my child in daycare.   That was really unhelpful.

[Beauchamp]

Originally Posted by journeymom 

I can only say that I'm so sorry that therapist was such a dud. Really, that would feel like having the rug pulled out from under me if the therapist simply told me to put my child in daycare.   That was really unhelpful.

Thanks. It really was like having the rug pulled out! Especially since it's not easy to find a therapist, schedule an appt, have DH take a sick/vacation day so I could go. (He also took a vacation day when it was his turn, we never went together, just because she didn't feel quite right anyway.)

We're having another bad night tonight. Totally not communicating clearly with each other, and I am just frustrated.

[MissLotus]

I too really don't like that the therapist put her own bias into the situation.  Because for one thing, as I see it, it's not about a babysitter -- it's about your husband.

It sounds like his life is going on much as before he had a child.  He just decides he's going out with a pal after work - doesn't even run it by you?  Is that normal for your relationship?  Because you're working all day too.  He is being quite disrespectful.  You're not his maid or nanny - you're co-parents.  You have a right to expect him to act like one.  Life has changed - for BOTH of you.  And it ain't about to change back anytime soon.  So he needs to put the kibosh on impromptu beer runs after work because he has a CHILD waiting for him and a PREGNANT WIFE who needs a break from HER job.  I'm not sure what isn't being communicated clearly today, as you mention, but I would be sure to communicate THAT clearly!

[NicaG]

Have you thought about seeing a therapist for yourself, without your dh?  From your post, it sounds like you might be depressed (I say this as someone who has struggled with depression most of my life, been on antidepressants for 10+ years). This comment in particular sounded like depression:

It's such a supreme effort to leave the house, get myself and DD ready, only to go to Target and walk around, or Kroger for endless repetitive grocery shopping for meals my DH will eat half of and then I throw spoiled leftovers away. There is not much to do in this town. The last two times we went to the library DD got sick soon after, so I am hesitant to go there. Besides, it's not *that* much fun.

When I'm depressed, everything feels like a huge effort, and I don't seem to enjoy anything, and I cry a lot.  I think therapy can help clarify your feelings, can provide validation for your feelings, can help you identify solutions.  It's not helpful to have a therapist say, I could never sah.  That's unprofessional. 

I think finding a babysitter, or dropping dd off at gym childcare, nursery school, something to get a break for you, would help you feel less overwhelmed.   I think leaving your dd alone with dh while you leave the house could be helpful for you--sounds like you're always on duty even when he's around.

Sorry, my dd just woke up from her nap or I would write more....hugs to you, hope you can feel better soon.

[Beauchamp]

Originally Posted by MissLotus 

I too really don't like that the therapist put her own bias into the situation.  Because for one thing, as I see it, it's not about a babysitter -- it's about your husband.

It sounds like his life is going on much as before he had a child.  He just decides he's going out with a pal after work - doesn't even run it by you?  Is that normal for your relationship?  Because you're working all day too.  He is being quite disrespectful.  You're not his maid or nanny - you're co-parents.  You have a right to expect him to act like one.  Life has changed - for BOTH of you.  And it ain't about to change back anytime soon.  So he needs to put the kibosh on impromptu beer runs after work because he has a CHILD waiting for him and a PREGNANT WIFE who needs a break from HER job.  I'm not sure what isn't being communicated clearly today, as you mention, but I would be sure to communicate THAT clearly!

Thanks. This made me feel better. Some of this is very true! I didn't get a good feeling from the therapist we chose. And it's not (totally) that she was telling me something I didn't want to hear. I mean, I understand how getting time to myself can be very beneficial. But I don't think, due to her personal choices, that she really gets how important it is for me to be home with DD, the kind of sacrifices I make being an AP mama, etc. That said, I know I am not supposed to "sacrifice myself" in the name of AP. I just haven't found the right balance yet, and without some more help or equal help from DH I think it will be harder for me to achieve. I never fathomed loving my child so much. In a way, I really am willing to sacrifice so much for her. But I am also realizing I need to be a good mama for her, and that means taking care of me. Easier said than done, though.

In DH's defense, the friend he met for a beer was a work colleague who had flown in from the corporate HQ, not a local guy he sees all the time. So, a fairly isolated event, but still not great for me. And he did stay only a short time, but mostly because I was telling him how crappy my day had been. (DD only took a 30 min nap and was very needy all day)

His life is pretty much exactly like it was before he had a child. Also, he regularly mentions offhandedly how he had all this time to go running before we lived together, and how he was thinner "when he lived alone", he could wash the car whenever, he could play his guitar, etc, etc. And tonight at dinner...DD is clamoring for my attention (anyone's attention) and I basically stop eating my food to cut up her food, help her eat, make a game out of it so she gets enough food. I say to DH that maybe HE could see that she gets in a few bites so that I CAN EAT. And he gets defensive and says she is just fine and I should just eat my food and let her do what she's going to do (basically ignore her, but he didn't use those words) He doesn't get that DD will not sit quietly and entertain herself. She just WON'T when we are sitting right there. She wants to interact. And YES, he gets to eat his meal because I AM the one taking care of DD! Gah!

I think he has a few issues of his own, but good luck getting him to assess ANYTHING about himself. The other day he told me this was all on me, or all because of me, or something to that effect.
Because he "hasn't done anything!!!" etc, etc. And I say yes, and sometimes that is exactly the problem.

Originally Posted by NicaG 

Have you thought about seeing a therapist for yourself, without your dh?  From your post, it sounds like you might be depressed (I say this as someone who has struggled with depression most of my life, been on antidepressants for 10+ years). This comment in particular sounded like depression:

It's such a supreme effort to leave the house, get myself and DD ready, only to go to Target and walk around, or Kroger for endless repetitive grocery shopping for meals my DH will eat half of and then I throw spoiled leftovers away. There is not much to do in this town. The last two times we went to the library DD got sick soon after, so I am hesitant to go there. Besides, it's not *that* much fun.

When I'm depressed, everything feels like a huge effort, and I don't seem to enjoy anything, and I cry a lot.  I think therapy can help clarify your feelings, can provide validation for your feelings, can help you identify solutions.  It's not helpful to have a therapist say, I could never sah.  That's unprofessional. 

I think finding a babysitter, or dropping dd off at gym childcare, nursery school, something to get a break for you, would help you feel less overwhelmed.   I think leaving your dd alone with dh while you leave the house could be helpful for you--sounds like you're always on duty even when he's around.

Sorry, my dd just woke up from her nap or I would write more....hugs to you, hope you can feel better soon.

Yes, I would be certain that I am depressed and have been dealing with some level of depression for a few years now. Our lives have been less than normal, to avoid a loooong story. I got to the point where I asked my family doc to prescribe something for me, and I was on...lorazepam I think...for a few short months before I got PG with DD and stopped. I've just been trying to deal with it on my own. My experience with this first therapist was NOT encouraging. We live in a small military town, so not a whole lot available here, and I hate to judge and say probably not any "good" therapists...but the one we picked seemed very qualified and educated. I made a lot of effort to see her and it just felt wrong in the end. So I am hesitant to do it again. I just wish all this would go away.

[NikonMama]

(((((hugs)))))  I understand, I really do.   Within the last year I became a SAHM, but my son is 12 so he isn't home to interact with all day long, and even when he is home the last thing he wants to do is hang out with boring old mom.  I also have a seizure disorder and can't drive (the reason I suddenly became a SAHM this late in the game) so I'm unable to go anywhere, even if I wanted to.  DH has to take DS to school and pick him up, so he since he has to fit that around his work schedule he ends up working really late most nights.  I understand, I really do, but that's less time he has to possibly take me somewhere to get out of the house.  I'll go sometimes 2+ weeks without leaving the house at all. 

I know it can be hard to get a young one out of the house sometimes (I was a nanny for a long time), to me at least it is very beneficial to just get out and walk around the store (but I just love to do that anyway lol).  It's going to get warm soon, so you could go to the park.  I know that doesn't help you know, but even on cool days you could go for a few minutes.  The fresh air is good for you.  Is there a mall near you?  Maybe once or twice a week you could maybe take your daughter in a stroller and walk around the mall to get some exercise.  I used to go before the mall opened to avoid all the people.  My friend would come with her baby in a stroller.  We walked 3 miles a day, in about an hour, 3x week.  Our mall also has an indoor playground type of thing, but I've never been concerned with germs or colds, though. 

  I hope things start to look up for you soon!! 

[BetsyS]

You know, I have a great dh.  He's a good guy, I like him, he's a good dad.  But, he has his cluless moments, too.  I could see him saying, "just ignore her and eat."  The only thing that has helped this over time (our oldest is 4.5) is him being in charge of our kids alone every now and then.  Sometimes, when I leave for a couple of hours (I do this fairly regularly), I come home, and he's like, "oh, I appreciate you so much!"  LOL

I do think that if you aren't the primary caregiver, it's hard to imagine the tediousness of taking care of a very, very needy little person day in and day out.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm a SAHM, which I love, and I think it's very important.  However, there are stages in the lives of my kids when it's just tiring.  Exhausting.  Tedious.  I need more help sometimes. 

And, sometimes, you just have to spell it out.  For instance, this is my newest dilemma.  I have 3 kids.  My oldest goes to childrens' church with no problems.  The 2 year old is not interested in going, so he sits with us at church.  The 8 month old goes to the nursery, but he sometimes does fine and sometimes needs mama halfway through (especially cause church is during nap time), so I have to step out of church about 50% of the time. 

And, this week, dh told me that *I* should work on transitioning the 2 year old to childrens' church, cause it was "too hard for him (dh) to pay attention while caring for a 2 year old".  I just looked at him.  LOL.  I hadn't heard one word of the service, cause I was in the nursery with my 8 month old.  Exactly how am I supposed to do this?  So, after a brief discussion, it was decided that it is dh's new project to transition the 2 year old.  Not my project *at all*.  So, my dh is clueless, but when he's faced with reality, he steps up to the plate.  He just sometimes doesn't see my perspective, nad I have to tell him.  Which I'm always happy to do.  LOL