Ugh. Family in denial.

[Stephenie]

So my family and I are close, despite living 2500 mi apart. My mom was the 2nd person I called after getting my son's recent dx of Asperger's. She's been fairly supportive from day one. My dad on the other hand, has not been.

He's convinced that my son does not have AS. He says it flat out "He does not have Asperger's." Not "maybe you should get a second opinion" or "Are you sure?" It's just "He does not have Asperger's." I have given him the long list of well qualified medical professionals that say otherwise, but it does not matter what I say. I've shown him videos of meltdowns, explained some of his behaviors that he may not see when he sees him etc, it all does not matter. I really wish I could have his support in this, as I previously have always gone to him for a source of support. But I don't know if there's a way to change his mind. I am visiting my family now and it is so frustrating staying in his house and having to have this fight with him over and over. How he thinks he knows more than his neuro, pedi and developmental pediatrician from 10 minutes of googleing is beyond me. 

[Eyelet]

I think denial is really common and hard to overcome, unfortunately. My son has severe autism (developmentally delayed, nonverbal) and my MIL was in severe denial until recently. 

We would give her information on autism, books, etc but I personally feel that denial is an irrational thing that can't be overcome with rational responses. 

My MIL, and I hope your dad as well, will eventually come to accept the diagnosis in their own time. What did it for my MIL was seeing that he still has issues even at a later age. I had to temporarily let it go because it was too draining trying to convince her... it's hard not having their support, but even harder fighting them about it.

[Stephenie]

I think that I will have to let it go, too. It's just so frustrating. He also has this idea if we just push him, he will get used to things that upset him. Like when he wanted to take DS to a parade last year. He can't make it through story time at the library. A parade isn't the place to start. I guess I thought this dx might help him get that and quit fighting with me on these kinds of issues. Oh well. 

[KempsMama]

That's a typical reaction, especially for Fathers/GrandFathers.  I'm sorry your having to deal with it!

[Emmeline II]

I wouldn't fight with him over the diagnosis. You can't force him to accept it but you can insist on not fighting over it so that everyone can have a decent visit. You may want to pick up this book and see if you think it would be helpful to leave behind for your dad

 

Not My Boy!: A Father, a Son, and One Family's Journey ...

http://www.google.com/search?q=autism+grandparents&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a#sclient=psy&hl=en&client=firefox-a&hs=aqs&rls=org.mozilla:en-US%3Aofficial&q=autism+grandparent+denial&aq=f&aqi=&aql=&oq=&pbx=1&fp=164b27899a3b188a

[happysmileylady]

Have you tried asking him why he doesn't believe your child is on the spectrum?

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

Originally Posted by KempsMama 

That's a typical reaction, especially for Fathers/GrandFathers.  I'm sorry your having to deal with it!

I went through this to a certain degree with my dad and my grandfather. Ds1 is the first grandchild on my side of the family, and the first boy in the family in a long time. So I think my dad has a pretty special relationship with him. It was hard for him to hear that there was something that was different or "wrong" with him. I think also, because Collin seems completely normal a lot of the time, that the times when he is struggling tend to look like parenting issues. I think that for my dad, it was easier to think that he'll grow out of it or that it's our fault, than to worry about the struggle that he sees going on inside Collin as something that will always be hard work for him. He's come to terms with it, mostly now, though I still have to remind him that when ds is in meltdown mode, he can't be brought out of it by talking in a tough manner to him or yelling at him.

If I were you, I'd tell your dad that there is gong to be no discusion on the subject anymore and just concentrate on the relationship between your dad and son, and less on having your dad accept the diagnosis. Their relationship is the most important thing anyway.

[Stephenie]

Originally Posted by happysmileylady 

Have you tried asking him why he doesn't believe your child is on the spectrum?

Yes, he thinks that he needs to have every stereotypical spectrum behavior to be on the spectrum. I told him that there's a difference between diagnostic criteria and commonly occurring symptoms, but his answer was just "He does not have Asperger's." 

Originally Posted by QueenOfTheMeadow 

Originally Posted by KempsMama 

That's a typical reaction, especially for Fathers/GrandFathers.  I'm sorry your having to deal with it!

I went through this to a certain degree with my dad and my grandfather. Ds1 is the first grandchild on my side of the family, and the first boy in the family in a long time. So I think my dad has a pretty special relationship with him. It was hard for him to hear that there was something that was different or "wrong" with him. I think also, because Collin seems completely normal a lot of the time, that the times when he is struggling tend to look like parenting issues. I think that for my dad, it was easier to think that he'll grow out of it or that it's our fault, than to worry about the struggle that he sees going on inside Collin as something that will always be hard work for him. He's come to terms with it, mostly now, though I still have to remind him that when ds is in meltdown mode, he can't be brought out of it by talking in a tough manner to him or yelling at him.

If I were you, I'd tell your dad that there is gong to be no discusion on the subject anymore and just concentrate on the relationship between your dad and son, and less on having your dad accept the diagnosis. Their relationship is the most important thing anyway.

Your situation sounds a lot like mine. DS is high functioning and the first grandchild, one of only two for my dad...and they have always had a special relationship, too. DS's differences can also look like poor behavior/ my fault etc if that's what you want to see. He also is at his best at my parents' house. He is given whatever he wants, it's quiet, etc.I have to remind my dad of the same things... he even said today he would "Whoop his butt" and I said "Oh no, you won't!" Sigh. 

He also seems convinced I just am not trying hard enough with him. He's worn rainboots or crocs every day for two years. 85% of the time it's rainboots. He keeps trying to convince my son that he needs to wear "real shoes." As if I have not tried. He won't, let's move on and focus on something that matters. I have many bigger battles in his life than footwear and I don't care if it looks "odd" to wear boots every day. I was hoping the diagnosis could help him understand that you can't force him into anything, but that's not the case. I just don't want him to push DS to the point where it hurts their relationship. My brother has already done that. DS now says "Uncle A is obnoxious. "Which is somewhere between sad and funny. 

We're only here a few more days, I am going to try to avoid conversation that does not need to happen and hope my mom can work on him before our next visit. Maybe by then he'll have had more time to process it. 

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

Originally Posted by Stephenie 

Yes, he thinks that he needs to have every stereotypical spectrum behavior to be on the spectrum. I told him that there's a difference between diagnostic criteria and commonly occurring symptoms, but his answer was just "He does not have Asperger's." 

Your situation sounds a lot like mine. DS is high functioning and the first grandchild, one of only two for my dad...and they have always had a special relationship, too. DS's differences can also look like poor behavior/ my fault etc if that's what you want to see. He also is at his best at my parents' house. He is given whatever he wants, it's quiet, etc.I have to remind my dad of the same things... he even said today he would "Whoop his butt" and I said "Oh no, you won't!" Sigh. 

He also seems convinced I just am not trying hard enough with him. He's worn rainboots or crocs every day for two years. 85% of the time it's rainboots. He keeps trying to convince my son that he needs to wear "real shoes." As if I have not tried. He won't, let's move on and focus on something that matters. I have many bigger battles in his life than footwear and I don't care if it looks "odd" to wear boots every day. I was hoping the diagnosis could help him understand that you can't force him into anything, but that's not the case. I just don't want him to push DS to the point where it hurts their relationship. My brother has already done that. DS now says "Uncle A is obnoxious. "Which is somewhere between sad and funny. 

We're only here a few more days, I am going to try to avoid conversation that does not need to happen and hope my mom can work on him before our next visit. Maybe by then he'll have had more time to process it. 

This is exactly like at my parents house. I would get the, "well, he was absolutely fine here." I sat them down and talked them about the difference between vacation and reality for Collin. He has no homework, often no brothers with him, he gets taken all over the place, etc. So of course he's less stressed and less reactive there than he is at home. Unfortunately, they got a taste of his meltdown this last time when he was there. He went to my neice's and nephew's birthday party, and he had a meltdown. Lots of noise, lots of kids running around, lots of food he's usually not allowed to have, and KABLOOMY! It sounds like they handled the situation relatively well, so that's good.

[Emmeline II]

Letter Especially for Grandparents of Children With Asperger Syndrome

[NikonMama]

I think you may have to let it go also.  I have a few medical problems, and my family refuses to believe any of it b/c none of my medical problems can be "seen" if that makes sense.  My mom (though I have to admit she isn't a very nice person to begin with) is even to the point that if we start talking about it, she turns away and just stops talking.  I've been dealing with Addison's Disease for 6 years, and my sister and dad are just starting to believe me b/c I recently stopped being able to drive due to a sudden onset of seizures.  My mom still thinks I'm full of it and just trying to get attention.  *sigh*  Yeah, b/c this is OH SO FUN, right??  Trust me, I really wish I could just blink my eyes and make it all go away and be perfectly healthy.  There are some people you just can't convince.  I've learned to just not talk about it to my mom or in front of her as little as possible.  Sorry you are having to deal with this, it stinks.  (((((hugs)))))

[Stephenie]

Originally Posted by Emmeline II 

Letter Especially for Grandparents of Children With Asperger Syndrome

I have seen this before and thought about sharing it with my dad. I don't think he'd be receptive, but I could try. 
 

Originally Posted by QueenOfTheMeadow 

Originally Posted by Stephenie 

Yes, he thinks that he needs to have every stereotypical spectrum behavior to be on the spectrum. I told him that there's a difference between diagnostic criteria and commonly occurring symptoms, but his answer was just "He does not have Asperger's." 

Your situation sounds a lot like mine. DS is high functioning and the first grandchild, one of only two for my dad...and they have always had a special relationship, too. DS's differences can also look like poor behavior/ my fault etc if that's what you want to see. He also is at his best at my parents' house. He is given whatever he wants, it's quiet, etc.I have to remind my dad of the same things... he even said today he would "Whoop his butt" and I said "Oh no, you won't!" Sigh. 

He also seems convinced I just am not trying hard enough with him. He's worn rainboots or crocs every day for two years. 85% of the time it's rainboots. He keeps trying to convince my son that he needs to wear "real shoes." As if I have not tried. He won't, let's move on and focus on something that matters. I have many bigger battles in his life than footwear and I don't care if it looks "odd" to wear boots every day. I was hoping the diagnosis could help him understand that you can't force him into anything, but that's not the case. I just don't want him to push DS to the point where it hurts their relationship. My brother has already done that. DS now says "Uncle A is obnoxious. "Which is somewhere between sad and funny. 

We're only here a few more days, I am going to try to avoid conversation that does not need to happen and hope my mom can work on him before our next visit. Maybe by then he'll have had more time to process it. 

This is exactly like at my parents house. I would get the, "well, he was absolutely fine here." I sat them down and talked them about the difference between vacation and reality for Collin. He has no homework, often no brothers with him, he gets taken all over the place, etc. So of course he's less stressed and less reactive there than he is at home. Unfortunately, they got a taste of his meltdown this last time when he was there. He went to my neice's and nephew's birthday party, and he had a meltdown. Lots of noise, lots of kids running around, lots of food he's usually not allowed to have, and KABLOOMY! It sounds like they handled the situation relatively well, so that's good.

I've tried to talk to them about it. My mom gets it, 100%. And has tried to get through to my dad to no avail. He's had several major meltdowns this trip and he still seems to think I am just parenting him wrong through them. He actually seems to think he could fix it if I just let him....I thought maybe a few meltdowns would help him get it, but not yet. 

Originally Posted by NikonMama 

I think you may have to let it go also.  I have a few medical problems, and my family refuses to believe any of it b/c none of my medical problems can be "seen" if that makes sense.  My mom (though I have to admit she isn't a very nice person to begin with) is even to the point that if we start talking about it, she turns away and just stops talking.  I've been dealing with Addison's Disease for 6 years, and my sister and dad are just starting to believe me b/c I recently stopped being able to drive due to a sudden onset of seizures.  My mom still thinks I'm full of it and just trying to get attention.  *sigh*  Yeah, b/c this is OH SO FUN, right??  Trust me, I really wish I could just blink my eyes and make it all go away and be perfectly healthy.  There are some people you just can't convince.  I've learned to just not talk about it to my mom or in front of her as little as possible.  Sorry you are having to deal with this, it stinks.  (((((hugs)))))

I am so sorry your family is like that with you. :( 

[Rik-E]

My mother & sisters in-laws took several years to even admit that allergies were relevant & real.... another year+ for them to accept the SPD diagnoses.  And now we are beginning the process of getting a full spectrum assessment for the aspergers diagnoses he needs (for school reasons). So yeah I understand!

What I would do for now is just let your Dad know that he HAS TO follow your parenting guidelines with your child. If he understands or agrees is not relevant -- your kid, your rules period. Hopefully he will see that you are right over time.

((HUGS))   It's tough when family is not supportive.

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by Stephenie 
I have seen this before and thought about sharing it with my dad. I don't think he'd be receptive, but I could try. 

I've tried to talk to them about it. My mom gets it, 100%. And has tried to get through to my dad to no avail. He's had several major meltdowns this trip and he still seems to think I am just parenting him wrong through them. He actually seems to think he could fix it if I just let him....I thought maybe a few meltdowns would help him get it, but not yet. 

I don't think it will suddenly make him agree with you, but some of it may sink in eventually.

In a different situation I had a similarly stubborn father. He was against me marrying dh because of his race and did not speak to me for 7 months. My family pitched-in with a "your all alone in your thinking" attitude, my sister refused to listen to him complain about the situation, and my BIL pointed out that none of his siblings have a relationship with their father--is that what he wanted for himself. My father came around in time for the wedding--and by come around I mean that he was speaking to me and polite to dh and his family.

Edited by Emmeline II - 3/3/11 at 7:39pm

[Tigerle]

I took my father for a walk with DD to explain where we are in the process of having DS evaluated (I should say that ours does not appear to be a clear case, if there is ever such a thing - if it's Aperger's, it's probably a mild case). He said flat out "he's not autistic". Now he's a retired neurologist but I gently reminded him that he trained at a time when autism was a very different diagnosis, Asperger's not on anyone's radar and he hasn't worked in pediatrics since. When I listed the red flags we had come up with he conceded DS might have "some autistic traits" but that he was "so bright, he's got so much to work with". I said that that sounded like Asperger's to me and he was silent. He does not actually deny that there are issues, but he's let me know he thinks they are due to his being premature and highly sensitive and anxious and due to my having PDD and trying to keep up in the workplace with limited support from my DH.

My mom thinks it's about being gifted and sensitive and anxious and misunderstood. However, I think she might classify Asperger's as kinda part of all that, or maybe a strong case of being gifted and sensitive and anxious and misunderstood. She appears to worry more about how I am dealing with the whole thing.  . .

I do not know what MIL thinks. I think she is in major denial about her own special needs daughter and is just focusing on doing the best she can by her beloved little grandson. I may have some educating to do about dealing with tantrums, but so far they mostly get along and it's okay.

FIL just laughed. He said "The apple does not fall far from the tree [meaning DH]. You'll make it!"