I just realized that there were time I wrote here..... a lot. It was like therapy, especially when I was sad or bitter. One day I think I will print out all my terrible messages and make a little book for myself... ha ha. It seems I have healed a lot during this time, as I don't feel the pain every day any more. It comes and goes, and the idea of remaining a family of three no longer sends knives in my heart. I know we will be ok... and that there may be things in our future I never would have imagined. The very strange is my intuition that does not change even when the situation changes. It does not "feel" like we will ever have another child, at least a biological child. I thought this feeling might go away when I got healthier after all the symptoms from hypothyroidism. Now, if there is something wring with dh's SA, it could mean hope or a "not going to happen." But, I just don't feel it will ever happen. It is rather strange, to thwe point that I wonder if anyone has ever been through that. (I don't know anyone...) Other seem to see more children as a natural thing, like of course they will happen, and for most they do. I am just stuck with this "inner knowledge." Often I truly hope I am wrong... Never have been so far, with the "I just knows." '
The interesting thing is... You know how many women say "I hope for more kids and I want to do better than I did the first time." You know, when they were first time moms, they maybe listen to family too much and did not yet trust their intuition, maybe were not yet confident, maybe did not know much about birth and did not realize it would be good to find out... I have no regrets... I had a great, natural birth, dd was with me from the first moment and waws never taken without me following... she was nursed on demand, carried, always responded to right away, etc. I have regrets every day now that she is older, I am sure. Yet, the baby time, I have zero regrets. I remember thinking very early on that it was interesting that even if I never got to do any of that again, I would have "done it." I don't know if anyone can get what I mean... It is just something that has from the beginning gone with this weird intuition... this strong feeling of now or never.
SA in about a week, so we should have those answers in about 3 weeks. I have surprisingly little emotion about that right now. First I was so hoping this would be "it." Now I am thinking it would be so much more "merciful" to dh is it is not him, or at least not him alone. (Nothing "merciful" in infertility... I realize couples don't get to choose.....!)
There is something all this pain has done for me: I used to kneel in front of God, unable to truly just want to receive whatever was in the plan. I sobbed, I wanted to scream, and asked for that baby. Now I am quiet, with few words left. I wait, sometimes even with hope and excitement, for whatever is to come. I no longer have a plan and just hope we will not need to wait for years and years to see the way for our family. I have seen so many miracles in my life. If a stranger can call me about a job (out of the blue) in the field I had just thought I might like to try, not knowing for sure if I should (happened years ago and lead to that field), then I suppose someone can call me about a child as well. I know the thought that comes is "Good luck, very unlikely that you will have another child if that's the method you want to use." After all, there are tons of people out there who try so hard, without able to find a child to adopt. Yet, that is how my life has worked. I need some sort of inner knowledge before deciding to start the process (yeah, and money). I know dh is not ready but if "the child" came along, he could be ready very fast. (It is difficult to love a hypothetical child, easy to fall in love with a human being.)
Having accidently not TTC this cycle has been surprisingly wonderful. I never thought I would say such a thing. :)
By the way, I wonder if anyone else has ever experience this. (I suppose this is not the right place to ask, as most here are not going to adopt, at least not yet.) I have mentioned the little boy I found on a special needs listing. I keep checking, hoping he has been adopted. No luck so far. When I look at him, I just keep thinking "that is my son." It is absolutely crazy!!! He looks nothing like my family. He has these amazing brown eyes and curly dark hair. I am about as blond as a person can be and dh is of Scnadinavian/German descent. Makes no sense. Yet, that is what I feel. Could I please win the lottery and find a way around the moral issues.... ha. Dd keeps saying "I want him" in such a sweet way. I guess it is a lesson to us both, as I try to tell her, that some people we need to love from afar and pray for them without ever holding them.
Edited by LessTraveledBy - 3/24/11 at 2:21am