I wonder about your inner voice or sense of premonition. I hope that you're wrong too, about your sense that there won't be more biological children. I can tell you that I am in absolute awe at my step-mother's sense of intuition. She's not spiritual, but is so in touch with whatever clues come to her, from inside or out. She has called it perfectly (in her quiet, humble way) on the most amazing things in her life, mine and others near and dear. One time she was way wrong, however, was with her third and last child. She was absolutely SURE, no discussion, that it was a girl. He's very much a little boy though. So, while I'm fascinated and impressed by some of my friends intuition (I have absolutely ZILCH; wrong every time), there is lots of room for error.
I'm so sorry that you and the beautiful little brown-eyed boy are not finding your way to each other. What a heartbreaking story.
This whole intuition thing is interesting...Let me ramble about this a bit... (You have been warned, please feel free to skip the whole thing.) I don't normally try to guess or anything like that. It is just that there have been certain times in my life that the knowledge of something has come. All of a sudden, I just know. One of these was when I went to my entrance test for the university. I had studies for a different university and did not take this test so seriously, so, realistically, there was no way I was going to be among the lucky 20. While I was standing at the bus stop before the second day of testing, I heard people speaking about what they would do if they did not get in. All of a sudden I thought "But I will get in." From that moment on I knew it, no matter how little sense it made. I have had similar things happen with other decisions that would change the course of my life, among them when I knew I would marry dh. I have learned to trust these intuitions so completely that they are very exciting to me. They are gentle, sure, and comforting, as if the curtain separating heaven and earth were drawn, just a bit.
The intuition about the infertility came to me one night as I was crying about it, maybe 3 years ago. At that point we had not been trying for a 2nd child for very long (though I was sick), so the thought did not make sense the way it does now. I remember it made me so very sad, mainly thinking how alone in the world our dd could be. (Dh's family is abroad and I have only one sibling who has no children.) I think this particular intuition I am not quite as sure about, as all the other things have been mainly positive ones, though each required a strong leap on faith. This one has kept me wondering if the feeling was somehow mixed with the worst possible thing... that maybe I was trying to protect myself by preparing for never having another biological child. Yet, sitting here, the calm, sure feeling is here. As I am finally starting to see that there is life after infertility, I am starting to trust this intuition more, and it is starting to look more like all the past ones: Something that is very scary and exciting and requires that leap... and can end up being among the things changing the course of my life. It makes perfect sense to me... And if it is like all the others, I will look back one day and see how beautifully and perfectly it fit with the rest of the plan, and would not change a thing. (Sorry it this is a trigger to anyone... It has been a long road for me and I don't think that I would be feeling the way I do if we did not have dd.)
Now, I have mentioned these to dh. I think they freak him out quite a bit and he is certainly not ready to listen to this one. I think he feels I am just willing it, in some twisted way. I cannot help feeling that everyone is lead this way, some simply have a harder time trusting the intuitions and thus the feelings may get lost in daily life. Maybe I am totally wrong. It is just how it has always been for me, at least since I was 14 or so. Who knows. I think my mom is very intuitive, dad most likely much less (as he would think it is nonsense). Mom's sister has dreams predicting things. I have never been able to know anything about others, it has simply been something to show me when big decisions have, so it feels, already been made for me.
Thank you for your kind words. My husband, alone, is understanding of my love for a child I have never met. (And dd, but being 6 and very nurturing, she loves all babies and children.) Everyone else seems to think I should just stay off those sort of websites. They just don't get it... I have seen the photos of hundreds of orphans, and it is only this one baby boy that has stolen my heart in such a way. The whole orphan crisis is sad... there is little more than can be said. Millions of orphans and huge lines of people wanting to give them homes.. and yet, it is so difficult, often impossible.
Edited by LessTraveledBy - 3/24/11 at 1:38pm