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*** Bitter Sushi Ladies, March 2011 Thread *** - Page 19

post #361 of 421

Good luck tonight, lavatea.

 

I had spotting today on CD9. This has definitely never happened to me before. I am not feeling too happy about this. I don't need any more issues than I already have. Is this a progesterone thing? What in the world is it?

 

enigo, is it you that has this problem, early cycle spotting? Forgive me if I'm remembering wrong..I just know someone does, and right now I can't think who.

post #362 of 421

Lilmom... Just responded to you, thinking you were talking about 9 dpo, instead of cd 9. I wonder if ovulation could cause spotting for some...? It does sounds rather unusual.

 

I have tried to correct just about everything about my cycle, and now wonder if there was never anything wrong to begin with. Something I did accomplish was getting rid of all the little cramps in the TWW. I used progesterone cream for two cycles, and then stopped, and the end results was now having normal cycles without the cramping. No matter what, I am happy, as the cramps reminded me endlessly of the feeling of being broken, and they were annoying. 

 

Since there was no action this cycle, I have not charted after confirming ovulation. It has been kind of nice. However, I just realuzed that the SA will need to be moved. For someone who had charted for years and years, it makes me LOL that I totally forgot to think I would have my period when we had planned to do the SA. Or I would be about to start, and I have to have the time booked at the lab, so I cannot not show up. So, I guess I will rebook it for a week later or something. I just don't care very much right now, so no big deal.

 

So whenever I try to let go of the little special needs orphan baby, something happens. It is like the world really needs me to think of him, so at least someone does. Whenever I realize the door is totally closed, some little thing happens. The newest development is that someone on MDC sent a link to an organization that does adoptions from this country. Instead of saying that the adoptive parents need to sign a document stating that they will convert to Islam, this place says that the parents need to respect the heritage of the child. Pretty big difference between those two things. Respect I sure would, convert, not. (I think the truth still is that there is no way to adopt from this country without signing said document. However, I sure am interested in this organization's take on it. It is rather weird.) I was already told by someone at a different organization that, being European, I seem to be thinking of this more deeply than most Americans. What it seemed to imply is that many Americans just sign the document as if they did not know what it said. Well, I do know, and I cannot go back to not knowing.

 

I have so much hope that things will end up just as they should. I am having a day with very empty arms today, though. There is a big difference for me between accepting infertility and accpeting that there might be no more children in our family, ever. The first I am ok with, the second, not at all.

 

I spoke about my intuitions with my mom yesterday and, sure enough, she has had many of the same kind. I tend to think it is nothing special in that very many people have them. Maybe some people just follow them without thinking, not sure. My aunt has dreams that always come true. To be honest, I am very happy not to have that. All my "knowings" have been at times in my life where the next step ended up having been huge for the rest of my life. Since I feel so strongly that we will not have any more biological children, assuming this followed the rest of the pattern with these feelings, it makes me very curious about what the junction in my life might be right now. Stopping TTC and adopting might make perfect sense, but how on earth are we supposed to adopt with no money, and who are we supposed to adopt???

 

Sorry, it is all me me me. It has been a bit quiet here, lately, which may be a good sign. It seems there is more written here, the more pain people are in.

 

post #363 of 421
I took my last BCP on Thursday, so I expect AF to arrive any day now to start a new cycle. Finally moving on again, hopefully! My hopes will be higher than usual, since we're trying something new (letrozole).
post #364 of 421

 

 

 

 

LTB - we've been looking at adopting through different organizations here in Sweden (private adoptions are almost unheard of). Prices vary up to 200.000kr. But we seem to be a good match for an organization that does adoptions from in Colombia. Their total cost is an average of 80.000kr, and the Swedish government helps out all adopting parents with 40.000.  Have you checked in to what your country will help with? 

 

I absolutely hear your reservations about international adoption. My sister is adopted from abroad, and works at an adoption agency now as an adult. We've talked a lot about the complicated issues, and I've done a lot of thinking and feeling.  I feel personally (while validating the fact that others feel differently and have that right), that if a person or a couple desire nothing else but to have a child of their own (regardless of whether they already have one or more) to love wholly, then adoption can be a good thing. It will still be complicated, but if those complications are acknowledged rather than swept under the carpet, things can be good. It's when people think they are doing "a good deed" and hoping for some sort of thankful response from the child, that things can go very wrong; or when people try to disregard the messy and conflicting feelings the child can have growing up about her/his biological family/country of origin/adopted family/adopted culture. 

 

It sounds like you have a thoughtful and sensitive husband. If he's not sure yet about adoption, it's good that he's thinking his thoughts aloud with you, so you can follow his reasoning, and help him along on the path. My DH was a little uncertain until we went to the adoption class (that all potential adopters have to take here). There was a film of a little girl adopted from Russia who was so incredibly attached to her adopted daddy, and it just melted his heart. As soon as a child is pronounced as his, he will feel that bond and protective need. I understand your uncertainty about allowing some beaurocrats in an agency decide which child will be your child. I try to think that whatever steered one of my thousands of eggs and one of DH's millions of sperms together (in my world view, happenstance, in yours, God) to make my perfect daughter, it's about the same amount of control I will have in our family's next addition -- adopted or not. But I still feel that nervous feeling, too; how could someone in an orphanage on the other side of the world know what would be a good match?

 

Back to fertility issues. I'm feeling a little funny playing both sides of the fence -- adoption and still TTC. But I'll continue to do this until we get way closer to adoption -- it's at least a two year process, so I'll keep trying for another year or so. My sister just gave me royal bee jelly, anyone tried that? 

 

lillmom - I've read that a tiny bit of spotting can occur in conjunction with ovulation. Maybe it was the biggest, ripest, most beautiful egg ever that just burst out of its ovary, and because of its size and powerful propulsion, a little spotting is expected. Right?

 

 

post #365 of 421

Emaya,

 

Consider yourself lucky: No one here, neither me or any of the Americans can normally adopt for that little money (something like 10 000 dollars at the cheapest, while getting about half of it back from the social security system of your country, right?). We would pay more than you and get about the same amount back, I think. However, we have only a fraction of countries to choose from, compared to you, and it can take a year to even get to start the required counciling, which then runs another year. Then add some years to that.... There are so many people here who would like to adopt that the lines are long. I think even in the best of circumstances, if we started right now, we would not actually travel for the child until 3 years from now, earliest,  most likely 4-5. This is why I am still hoping to adopt through the US system, instead. It should be possible, my husband being an expat, unless my country can somehow not allow the child in. It would keep the costs around the same (though we would lose the money we would normally get from this country), but make the process possibly MUCH faster, and doing that would allow us to choose the country more freely. My problem is that dd is getting older each day and it breaks my heart to see her waiting and hoping. I need this to happen within a couple of years. I just don't know that it will. 

 

I have felt really depressed in the past couple of days. I have gone from feeling ok about not having any more biological kids (still there) to incredible pain about "the now." I feel totally helpless, not knowing what to do, or if I can do anything. I just look at our child who is so big by now and grieve for the years that have gone by without a sibling. So, I guess I should say I am ok never again being pregnant and all that, but I am certainly not ok with our situation. Today I helped a friend with her little ones and, while holding her baby, I thought I might crumble into a million pieces right there, in front of everyone. It is really hard to deal with all these friends who have, and will keep having, little ones. For dd's sake I cannot isolate myself from them or the rest of the world, but sometimes (like today) I wish I could.

 

This process has always been a couple of steps forward and one back for me. Right now I seem to be at the "one back," emotionally, probably thanks to pms. I really don't even want to get pregnant anymore (crazy for me) but I feel like a mother who has lost her child and does not know in which direction to run. This means we will probably ttc, somewhat, forever (or something like that), no matter how much I don't think it will ever happen. I guess I just don't know what else to do, and I don't want dh later on to feel any bitterness towards me for not having tried "until the end."

post #366 of 421

Kyamo - Hooray for moving on! I hope the letrazole is just the thing!

 

LTB & Emaya - Hmmm, if I am ovulating this early, that would be shocking. I haven't ovulated before CD 22 since I've been charting. But then, I guess it could be. Doubtful though. I am thinking it's probably stress, or maybe just something to do with my PCOS. I hope it was just stress, especially since if it was O, I certainly didn't catch that egg..DH has been tired and I have been suffering with my asthma. Hopefully this is not perimenopause setting in.

 

LTB - I really do hope you are still able to get some answers soon somehow. I just feel like it would be so helpful to you based on what you've told us. I am sorry you've been feeling so depressed lately. Me too. I cried several times yesterday, because I am feeling so overwhelmed between this new asthma, and wanting another child so badly, and our situation of desperately wanting to move and nothing happening in that area. I was so hopeful just a short time ago, and now I feel like I'm struggling to get through each day with a smile on my face for my little boy. He keeps telling me how much he loves babies, and I think it's wonderful that he does, but it's also so sad, since we keep not having any!

 

 

post #367 of 421

So a friend of mine who had many many losses in a row just posted pictures of her days-old son on facebook... and I couldn't stop smiling for their joy, and the bitter tears spilled down my cheeks. Such a contradiction of emotion.  I am not feeling it this cycle. Clomid starts tomorrow.

post #368 of 421
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilmom View Post

LTB & Emaya - Hmmm, if I am ovulating this early, that would be shocking. I haven't ovulated before CD 22 since I've been charting. But then, I guess it could be. Doubtful though. I am thinking it's probably stress, or maybe just something to do with my PCOS. I hope it was just stress, especially since if it was O, I certainly didn't catch that egg..DH has been tired and I have been suffering with my asthma. Hopefully this is not perimenopause setting in.

 

LTB - I really do hope you are still able to get some answers soon somehow. I just feel like it would be so helpful to you based on what you've told us. I am sorry you've been feeling so depressed lately. Me too. I cried several times yesterday, because I am feeling so overwhelmed between this new asthma, and wanting another child so badly, and our situation of desperately wanting to move and nothing happening in that area. I was so hopeful just a short time ago, and now I feel like I'm struggling to get through each day with a smile on my face for my little boy. He keeps telling me how much he loves babies, and I think it's wonderful that he does, but it's also so sad, since we keep not having any!

 



lilmom, I know nothing about PCOS... I do wonder if that could be causing it. Hopefully it is just a one time thing... those do happen, too, where you never know or need to know why... :) However, I do understand how a woman hoping for a baby and having issues becomes like a detective, always trying to figure out what is wrong. I have been there for years.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by kparker View Post

So a friend of mine who had many many losses in a row just posted pictures of her days-old son on facebook... and I couldn't stop smiling for their joy, and the bitter tears spilled down my cheeks. Such a contradiction of emotion.  I am not feeling it this cycle. Clomid starts tomorrow.

Congrats to your friend and hugs to you. I agree that it is easier to be happy for the people who have been through tough things (at least sometimes, depending). :)

 

I ran into an interesting comment here about a week ago. Someone who had suffered from infertility said that when she finally got pregnant, she needed to really distance herself from anything having to do with infertility. I thought that was interesting and seemed like one possible explanation for the situations mentioned here, where a previously infertile friend after getting pregnant becomes very  harsh and insensitive towards the infertile friend.

 

Speaking of, I have friends who are afraid to tell me when they are pregnant, but yet fail to be sensitive at all later on. (Somehow they seem to think that it in only the announcement that stings... so not true. I will probably still cry, no matter how happy for them, when those babies graduate, get married, all that.)  I think it is very hard for them to understand or to know what to do, though, so I don't really blame them. They have the right to be happy without worrying about how I feel. Besides, one day I can be just fine helping with their babies and even enjoy it, to some extent (thought the evening of such a day is usually a difficult one, as my arms feel so empty and carrying their little ones reminds me of the time dd lives in my arms). Then there are days that I just crumble to pieces inside, even though I don't say anything. I honestly don't know how I was able to not cry yesterday, as I was holding a friend's baby, and dd was so excited, holding the hand of the baby, making faces at her, having such a smile from the heart for this little one... She had such a look of love on her face that it makes me cry to think about it. Interestingly, though only 6, she seems to have the emotions that come and go, also. Only a couple of months ago she cried and told me it hurts her to see this baby, because she has been praying so long and there is still no baby here. Then, just like me, there are days she seems to love this baby, quite without thinking of our situation. I am thankful for each of those days, as it is so hard to see her longing. I now blame myself, in a way, for having taught her, ever since she was tiny, that babies are something amazing, each deserves to be looked at and smiled at, etc. (There was a time we could not go anywhere without peaking at every baby that came out way.) I realize it was partly her, and partly learned. I guess I love it that she is like that... but some days it is hard. She would make an amazing big sister, she she is so wonderful to the little ones, whatever age.

 

So, lilmom,  my life mainly consists of trying to deal to the best of my ability so that dd would not lose out on more. That is maybe the worst thing about all this... That my sadness makes me lethargic at times (too often) and, while I take good care of dd, I don't really care about anything else. I clean only because of her and dh. Otherwise I could probably sit in a pile of junk and not care one bit.

 

Thinking of you all! I hope you will all be out of here, soon!

 

post #369 of 421
Quote:
Originally Posted by kparker View Post

So a friend of mine who had many many losses in a row just posted pictures of her days-old son on facebook... and I couldn't stop smiling for their joy, and the bitter tears spilled down my cheeks. Such a contradiction of emotion.  I am not feeling it this cycle. Clomid starts tomorrow.



I know this feeling. Hugs to you.

 

AFM So it has now been 12 months since I got my PPAF and gee how things have not worked out the way I had envisioned.  A year ago I thought, great, here we go I can get pregnant now anytime, I was going to be pregnant by ..., would have another baby by .... dd and new baby would be this close in age... I was even thinking about how I needed to be back at work for 4 months before I could be on maternity leave again so that I would be able to get employment insurance while I was off work again.  I feel so stupid.  It never even crossed my mind that a year out I would still not be pregnant.

post #370 of 421
Quote:
Originally Posted by LessTraveledBy View Post

That is maybe the worst thing about all this... That my sadness makes me lethargic at times (too often) and, while I take good care of dd, I don't really care about anything else. I clean only because of her and dh. Otherwise I could probably sit in a pile of junk and not care one bit.

This is so me!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smilesarefree View Post



 

AFM So it has now been 12 months since I got my PPAF and gee how things have not worked out the way I had envisioned.  A year ago I thought, great, here we go I can get pregnant now anytime, I was going to be pregnant by ..., would have another baby by .... dd and new baby would be this close in age... I was even thinking about how I needed to be back at work for 4 months before I could be on maternity leave again so that I would be able to get employment insurance while I was off work again.  I feel so stupid.  It never even crossed my mind that a year out I would still not be pregnant.


Don't feel stupid. I'm pretty sure most of us here have played that game (I can't stop playing it even though I know it's pointless).

AFM - DH went to bed and wouldn't wake up the night of the (+) OPK. Then he got drunk and passed out last night. GRRR... Finally got BD in this morning, but I bet it's too late.

I think I've decided not to chart any signs next month. I don't want to prevent, but hard core trying is getting to me. And, I think possibly if I relax to that point maybe it will finally happen. The only baby I was charting during conception was our 3rd baby. And I wasn't at the obsessive charting point then b/c that was pre-m/cs. I took a break from charting last spring when the last 2 were conceived. And of course I knew nothing about charting when we got pg with the first 2. I just feel burned out, and I'm hoping that if I don't KNOW we're probably missing a fertile day, maybe it won't bother me as much.
post #371 of 421
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smilesarefree View Post

and gee how things have not worked out the way I had envisioned.


This could be the topic of this whole thread of ours, couldn't it... I think it describes things well for all of us, whether it is visions, dreams or hoped that have not become reality.

post #372 of 421

Hi All - LTB - thanks for your thoughts on adoption.

 

I have been reading, I just don't have much to add. I start stims tonight for IUI. Hoping my eggs do a little better in my body than they did outside of it. I have 9 follies, which is more than I had when I did IVF. After IVF, these shots seem like a piece of cake.

 

Lava- sorry about missing the +opk. Hopefully the morning was not too late!

post #373 of 421
Quote:
Originally Posted by rcr View Post

Hi All - LTB - thanks for your thoughts on adoption.

 

I have been reading, I just don't have much to add. I start stims tonight for IUI. Hoping my eggs do a little better in my body than they did outside of it. I have 9 follies, which is more than I had when I did IVF. After IVF, these shots seem like a piece of cake.

 

Lava- sorry about missing the +opk. Hopefully the morning was not too late!


Good to hear from you, rcr. It has been awfully quiet in here. I haven't had much to add myself (nor the time to add it). Today is my last day off before a 5 day in a row schedule. I know that's what most people work, but for me it's extreme. I will have overtime this week. But it's my last week on days, so our schedules are about to be changed yet again. I had hoped to be pregnant before I moved to nights just b/c I'm not sure how BD will be affected by our weird schedule. So this was my last shot at that.

I did talk to DH today at lunch about no more charting. He liked the idea. Says I bug him too much for BD when I chart. I don't think I do...I simply inform him of our window and try a tad bit more persuasion for BD than what I normally would. But whatever. Maybe if some of the pressure is gone our # of BDs will increase and we just might catch an egg. So anyway...I'm counting down the days until AF arrives (or doesn't). And also the days until the appointment with my new OB.

Thinking of you all and including you in my prayers.
post #374 of 421

So, I had my RE meeting today, and now I have a million thoughts and questions and emotions.

 

We're going to go ahead with a medicated cycle. I start Provera tonight to induce a period. When AF comes, I will start dexamethasone (to suppress testosterone production) and letrezole (Femara)(probably, unless it turns out Clomid is a lot cheaper). Doctor wants us to do an hCG trigger, but I want to research it more first. We said no to IUI. We want to give nature at least a few tries before we go full-scale invasive. Also (and we only learned this at the very end of our visit), not going the IUI route will save us ~$450, maybe more. Right now, we have no reason to think there are any issues that would cause us to need IUI, but we'll see in the future. As it stands, we're on schedule for me to find out right around Mother's Day if it all works.

 

I am desperately trying not to get my hopes up, and also to emphasize to dh that lots of people (most?) have to try for multiple cycles before getting pregnant. Since insurance covers only infertility diagnosis, not treatment, we can't afford another medicated cycle until dh finds a job, which isn't going super well so far. We talked about putting off trying until then, but we decided to go ahead with it now, and just see what happens.

 

A few questions now... does anyone have any idea how much an hCG shot costs, or if there's a cheap source for that? The RE wants us to order through them, even if we don't plan on using it, but I don't want to order something expensive we may not use. Same question for OPKs... since we're not going the IUI route, we're supposed to use them to time intercourse. (Of course, I'll be watching other fertility signs, since I know PCOS can cause false + on OPKs.)

 

Also, my RE said that because of my PCOS, I'm at increased risk for ovarian hyperstimulation. He made it sound like my cysts could all mature into eggs all at once with the Clomid/Femara. I've never heard this before, and I'm curious if anyone else has? I'm especially curious because he said my AMH is high, even for someone with PCOS, and that, along with my ultrasound, indicates I have a LOT of half-baked follicles.

 

Anyway, advice/input/reassurance from anyone who knows anything about this is much appreciated!

 

(Sidenote: Still hate my RE. He keeps talking about how he wants us "In the driver's seat", but utterly fails to mention options (like no IUI, or no hCG shot) until we bring them up!)

post #375 of 421
Quote:
Originally Posted by monkeyscience View Post

So, I had my RE meeting today, and now I have a million thoughts and questions and emotions.

 

We're going to go ahead with a medicated cycle. I start Provera tonight to induce a period. When AF comes, I will start dexamethasone (to suppress testosterone production) and letrezole (Femara)(probably, unless it turns out Clomid is a lot cheaper). Doctor wants us to do an hCG trigger, but I want to research it more first. We said no to IUI. We want to give nature at least a few tries before we go full-scale invasive. Also (and we only learned this at the very end of our visit), not going the IUI route will save us ~$450, maybe more. Right now, we have no reason to think there are any issues that would cause us to need IUI, but we'll see in the future. As it stands, we're on schedule for me to find out right around Mother's Day if it all works.

 

I am desperately trying not to get my hopes up, and also to emphasize to dh that lots of people (most?) have to try for multiple cycles before getting pregnant. Since insurance covers only infertility diagnosis, not treatment, we can't afford another medicated cycle until dh finds a job, which isn't going super well so far. We talked about putting off trying until then, but we decided to go ahead with it now, and just see what happens.

 

A few questions now... does anyone have any idea how much an hCG shot costs, or if there's a cheap source for that? The RE wants us to order through them, even if we don't plan on using it, but I don't want to order something expensive we may not use. Same question for OPKs... since we're not going the IUI route, we're supposed to use them to time intercourse. (Of course, I'll be watching other fertility signs, since I know PCOS can cause false + on OPKs.)

 

Also, my RE said that because of my PCOS, I'm at increased risk for ovarian hyperstimulation. He made it sound like my cysts could all mature into eggs all at once with the Clomid/Femara. I've never heard this before, and I'm curious if anyone else has? I'm especially curious because he said my AMH is high, even for someone with PCOS, and that, along with my ultrasound, indicates I have a LOT of half-baked follicles.

 

Anyway, advice/input/reassurance from anyone who knows anything about this is much appreciated!

 

(Sidenote: Still hate my RE. He keeps talking about how he wants us "In the driver's seat", but utterly fails to mention options (like no IUI, or no hCG shot) until we bring them up!)


Sorry you hate your RE. greensad.gif I don't know much about any of the things you're working with, except OPKs. You can order a cheap pack of them on Amazon. I hope this cycle is it for you! And that your DH finds a job. You're in Houston area? What field is your DH in?
post #376 of 421

Thanks for the good wishes, lavatea! Any particular seller/brand on Amazon, or just put in OPK?

 

Yes, we're in Houston. We're actually looking to move - we want a new adventure! My dh is about to graduate with a degree in civil engineering. So if anyone knows of any openings...

post #377 of 421
Thread Starter 

...


Edited by miriam_bat_avraham - 4/21/13 at 7:17pm
post #378 of 421
This is the pack I bought.

I'm not sure what the difference in types of engineers is, but Trane here in Tyler employs some type of engineer (used to do respite care for a man that was an engineer there - that reads weird...I watched his son). They're a huge employer in this area. Tyler's not bad if you're tired of the city. I personally love the city life, and this doesn't compare. But it is very beautiful here - especially this time of year.
post #379 of 421

Lavatea - This may sound like a weird question, but can you pee directly on those OPKs, or do you have to collect and dip? I truly hate giving urine samples (though I've done a LOT of them in the past 6 months!), and I think I'd honestly rather pay a little more just to directly pee on something at this point. If we end up going for more cycles after this, though, I'll probably become more jaded and economical.

 

As far as employment, no, dh isn't tired of the city life. I have actually been to Tyler, and to the plant - I had to make copies of some of their records for a temp job! I'm betting that they mostly higher mechanical/industrial engineers. But it's always one more thing we can look in to.

 

MBA - Thanks for the info. My dh has "excellent fertility" according to the urologist, and the RE looked at his SA today and noticed the count and said, "That's WAY above what we need!" And yeah, I think I'll be pretty closely monitored.

post #380 of 421
Quote:
Originally Posted by monkeyscience View Post

Lavatea - This may sound like a weird question, but can you pee directly on those OPKs, or do you have to collect and dip? I truly hate giving urine samples (though I've done a LOT of them in the past 6 months!), and I think I'd honestly rather pay a little more just to directly pee on something at this point. If we end up going for more cycles after this, though, I'll probably become more jaded and economical.

 

As far as employment, no, dh isn't tired of the city life. I have actually been to Tyler, and to the plant - I had to make copies of some of their records for a temp job! I'm betting that they mostly higher mechanical/industrial engineers. But it's always one more thing we can look in to.

 

MBA - Thanks for the info. My dh has "excellent fertility" according to the urologist, and the RE looked at his SA today and noticed the count and said, "That's WAY above what we need!" And yeah, I think I'll be pretty closely monitored.


Unfortunately they're collect and dip. I hate that, too. I just pee into the little packet, dip the stick, then dump the pee from the packet into the toilet. It's no big deal at home, but it can be a bit challenging at work, lol.
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