*** Bitter Sushi Ladies, March 2011 Thread *** - Page 3

[Laggie]

Ex-DH hated my thermometer beeping too. I never did find one that wouldn't beep (unless you get the old mercury kind) but some of them hold the temperature in memory, so you can turn it off right away and then look at it later. Usually, though, I just stuck it under my pillow to muffle the sound. Once you chart a few months maybe he will see what it's about - or get a copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility, it's a 10 minute read to see how charting works.

Jane that T-shirt is awesome!

Smilesarefree, I get tests from saveontests.com, they are just the little cardboard strips but less than 50 cents each. And they're in Canada.

Day 1 for me. And much as I hate to admit it, I was hopeful. bah.

Sorry for the randoms.

[Rachel88]

Hello everyone. I am new to MDC and I was wondering if I could join this thread. We have been TTC for a year now with one loss 8/10. It is a really hard thing for me but you ladies seem to be supportive and have a good sense of humor about this journey.

Rachel (29) and DH (30) TTC #1 since March 2010. One loss Aug. 2010 at 12 weeks.

[BelovedK]

Just popping in to sub, and keep up with everyone. I am without my computer and am on DH's (it's not my favorite one to work with) so I will be brief. (Sorry no npersonals, except rcr, I am so sorry you IVF didn't work this time )

Coworker is in a happy mood and less annoying (but I am trying to block her out) I am now hearing about morning sickness and how she knows it's a girl. I am trying to take a different attitude.

MBA, I am so close to telling you to take me off the list. I am not quite there yet though, but I am slowly coming to realize that I am probably better off the way I am. I am trying to be thankful.

Once again, sorry for the lack of personals, since I am without my puter, I logged in to so many posts, butn I did read everything.

[InWaiting]

Hi everyone.  I haven't posted in quite a while, but I've been lurking and following each of your stories-sharing joys and heartaches as necessary.  I needed a break because I've been in a place that was perhaps even too bitter for the BSL. 

Anyway, I'd like to rejoin you.

MBA, could you please update my blurb to say: TTC #1 since 04/2009 with one ectopic (11/09), one missed miscarriage (11/10), Hypothyroidism and compound heterozygous MTHFR mutation. Current regimen is 5 mg of Femara on CD 3-7.

PS, I like the thread title ideas  :)

[rcr]

I just popped in to read a few posts, and then noticed at the bottom of the page (the recent posts section) a post from a ddc saying that it is their due date month (March ddc apparently ). I remembered that I should be having a baby next month.

I am starting to question if being on mdc - specifically the bsl and ivf threads- are a good thing for me right now. I am sure some of you have been there. Any thoughts? For those of you who left for a while, did it help? I initially came here for support, but now I am afraid that I come here because I am desperate and sad and pathetic, and that coming here somehow makes it worse.

Beloved - It makes me sad that you are thinking about being deleted, not just because I guess that means you are giving up and how sad of a feeling that must be, and not just because I will miss you, but also because it makes me feel like I should think about giving up too.

Sorry for the depressing post. I am loosing hope. Maybe I have already lost hope.

[InWaiting]

RCR, I am so sorry about your IVF bfn   I think you and I may be in very similar places. I have been in a very borderline depressive funk for the last few months.  I thought that taking a break from the discussion boards my help me to not obsess so much.  I found myself coming back anyway, just to make sure that there were still people experiencing the things that I was experiencing, feeling the things I was feeling.  There is no one that I know in real life that can even begin to comprehend the pain, the anxiety, and the sheer hopelessness and desperation that infertility can bring. 

I find affirmation in my bitterness here..to know that it is not abnormal to feel the way I do when a coworker becomes pregnant the first cycle of trying, or when another co-worker who didn't have an easy time conceiving still doesn't seem to "get it" and talks continually about car seats, baby furniture, etc. when she's only 5 weeks along KNOWING that I've been trying for 2 years with 2 early losses.

People that haven't been here will tell you stupid things like "keep your chin up," or "just stay positive and it will happen," but it takes someone who has been there and understands to tell you it's okay to be mad, sad, bitter, outraged, disgusted, and downright pity wallowy.  That's what I discovered that I need right now.  Everything else just makes me feel even more alienated and abnormal.

I don't know if that helps or not, or if it even makes sense for that matter, but I hope in some way that it does. 

[InWaiting]

Welcome Rachel!  I am so sorry for your loss.  I hope that your stay is a short one 

[Milk8shake]

Originally Posted by monkeyscience 

My grandpa made it through the pacemaker implant. They said they should know a lot by tomorrow morning about how much it's going to help.

Hope your Gpa is doing well :)
 

Originally Posted by miriam_bat_avraham 

Jayde, welcome back :) I LOVE THAT SHIRT. My husband was all "Ohhh, nooo! You shouldn't wear that! I don't like that at all!", ie, he felt I'd be mean to myself by wearing it. But I don't think he gets the "I have to laugh about this sometimes" end of things, from his perspective. I actually want a slightly different shirt, though-- "BROKEN PARTS" over the belly, and "FULL WORKING ORDER" over the boobs ;) I'm a 36HH, haha.

Yeah, I feel like I have to see the funny side of it! I like your idea about the boobs, although I'm afraid in my case, it is more than just my stupid uterus that is faulty!

Originally Posted by Jane 

I have this shirt:

I think I love you.
 

Originally Posted by Attached2Elijah 

Alrighty, guess I should be more active on this thread since my bitterness has apparently got the one thread in a tizzy. Oops. Not sure why I ever joined there in the first place. I need to take most of your advice and just come straight to my subscripts.

So, I had to go over there and read up.  I reckon that they took a bit of a hard line with you.  Having said that, maybe you'll feel better here :)  I could certainly never, ever hang out on the "normal" TTC threads.  Mainly because I am not normal, but also because I suffer from the green eyed monster
 

Originally Posted by Sweet.Bee 

I'm CD1, so we can be bitter cycle stewers together.

Sorry for day 1 :(

Originally Posted by rcr 

AFM - I think that DH and I may have sex this weekend. I mean, like, for the fun of it. Seriously, I don't remember when we actually had sex for the fun of it. If I didn't want a baby so desperately, you would think I'm not ttc or something. ha. I drank three cups of coffee this morning and drank some wine last night. Sheesh, maybe I should go out and buy a pack of cigarettes. 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Welcome to my world.  I joke with the P&BL girls that they must think I'm an alcoholic.  Seriously, I am waaaaayyyy past worrying about the effect of a couple of cocktails on my TTC efforts.  I know that's not very "crunchy", but it goes a long way towards keeping me sane.
 

Originally Posted by rcr 

I am starting to question if being on mdc - specifically the bsl and ivf threads- are a good thing for me right now. I am sure some of you have been there. Any thoughts? For those of you who left for a while, did it help? I initially came here for support, but now I am afraid that I come here because I am desperate and sad and pathetic, and that coming here somehow makes it worse.
 

I've been there, but not here... Confused? Hahah.  I had to take a break from P&BL for maybe two months.  I was at a low, low point, and really felt like I had nothing positive to add.  I was resentful of everyone, and their success.  Short answer, yes, it did help.  It's also possible that being in therapy at the time helped too. 

Since I joined MDC in 09, I have definitely felt sometimes like I am pathetic for coming her for support.  The truth is, the support I have gained here is something that is not available to me in real life.  The women here "get it" and that's why I keep coming back. 

We all have crappy days/weeks/months.  I honestly think that if anyone is going to get it, it would be here.  But, if time out is what you need, then that's what you should have. 

I know I'm spouting off all this advice, and I have only just joined the thread again.  I say these things based on my experience over @ P&BL, and specifically the Veteran's thread (Hello Tear!!)  Vet's is basically the BSL of P&BL, and is pretty much the only thread that I respond to.  I tend to have little patience for those who are new to the board (even though they come under very unfortunate circumstances), because I know that most of them will leave with a happy story, and it will almost certainly be before I do.

Anyway I'm CD15, and last night I had a ridiculously vivid dream about a bfp.  Most likely because I've been obsessing a bit.  It's looking doubtful for this month though, because DP is working like 15 hour days at the moment, but maybe we will squeeze one in over the weekend.  Anyway, in the dream, I was thrilled, and DP was also thrilled.  Sounds obvious, right?  In reality, if/when I do get another bfp, I know that thrilled will not be an appropriate adjective.  Thrilled is what we were with our first pregnancy, and the loss was such a major let down, that I know neither of us will be able to invest any emotion into what would be our 4th pregnancy.  Numb is probably a better word.

[monkeyscience]

Quick update on my grandpa - pacemaker implant went well, he is off the ventilator and talking, but blood pressure is still not stabilizing itself like they want it to. They're still trying to figure out what else is wrong, but things are looking a little more positive.

Went to a baby shower tonight. So happy for my friend, but, yeah... bit of a reminder of what I don't have. Continuing on with the Provera.

WB to those who have been away!

[miriam_bat_avraham]

Jenger, don't you try and lead our Jane away from us! *wags finger* She can do both, you know! 

And hey, when you're ready, I'd love to read your blog if you'll let me!
 

Smiles-- why is DH so upset when it's just a "waste" of your time and not his? Humph! Do you temp orally or vaginally? When I temped vaginally, I couldn't even hear the beep-- it was way down there, under the covers. Usually I fell back asleep without taking it out and had to check the number when I woke up!

Kparker-- ooh, so close! Good luck with the next few days! I have an ultrasound myself tomorrow morning 

Laggie-- I just bought some save on tests myself! $13.74, including shipping, for 25 tests! I usually pay almost $20 for THREE tests! And sorry about CD 1 

Rachel and InWaiting-- you're both added and updated :) Welcome!

Beloved, do what you need to do. I hope you find peace, either way, although I'd definitely be sad to see you go (but I can still see you via Facebook, at least!)

A few of you have all mentioned considering leaving BSLs/MDC. I certainly don't want anyone to leave, although I appreciate and understand your need to find some sort of closure and come to peace with whatever you decide to do regarding your fertility and family-building. For me, BSLs is a place to vent for as long as I need to be around and "near" other women who understand what I'm feeling, because I literally have one friend in "real life" who has gone as far into fertility treatments as we have. I need a place like this, badly. BUT... if I was considering stopping treatment and accepting my fate as someone who might not ever have children (or more children), I can see needing to get away from conversations around the feelings and experiences of people "in the middle of trying" and move to focusing on "moving on." So... I hope no one has to "move on," but if you do, I understand. And you'd better add me on Facebook so I don't lose you completely! 

And finally, AFM-- bloodwork and ultrasound again tomorrow at 9dpo. I'm hoping I have a few competing follies! Today is DH's 35th birthday and we went out to dinner, and I had to bring my injection with me and do it in the bathroom. Luckily it was a single-stall bathroom and not a big one, or else I'd have had to decide whether to try it standing up with no counter or do it in the main bathroom area and risk horrifying someone, lol. DH feels very, very badly that I have to do all of this, although I'm actually kinda used to it now and don't feel fazed by it. But he kept saying the best birthday present would be for this to be "the cycle" so I never have to do this again  I can only hope!

[jenger]

Originally Posted by miriam_bat_avraham 

Jenger, don't you try and lead our Jane away from us! *wags finger* She can do both, you know! 

And hey, when you're ready, I'd love to read your blog if you'll let me!
 

Oh, I hope it didn't sound like I was chasing her away!  I always love having Jane around... 

[SimplyRochelle]

Finally ready to really jump back in now that I feel like we have some forward momentum to talk about. Stasis just doesn't seem that interesting. But we had our first infertility appointment today with a local OB who was amazing. Hubby has an SA sometime next week, I have an ultrasound Thursday to check for cysts, fibroids, or any possible sign that could indicate endometriosis. If they do see anything abnormal I'll have a lap done sometime in the next few months. We told him we're really just interested in testing right now, but in about 6 months (once the due date would be after nursing school graduation) we'd be more open to medical intervention. He suggested birth control for 3 months which he thinks would regulate/shorten my cycles but I just don't really like that idea at all! He also said he'd want to try Clomid first but I'd really only want to give it one more shot since we did two cycles of it last year with a general practitioner who was happy to hand out drugs. I forgot to ask how much he could offer us and what he would try before referring us somewhere else. It's a shame the only RE in our state is in Little Rock which is about 3 and a half hours from here. I am planning on trying to find a job there when I graduate so if we still don't have a baby on the way by then, we'll begin pursuing IVF after we get settled in there. It just feels so great to be going forward towards some kind of answer. And to know that even if we don't get answers, I'll still be having a baby sometime in the next few years, which after this long is just the boost of hope I needed.

So yay! I'm back!

[objet_trouve]

Day three of vitex, and so far, it's been great. It makes me drowsy, so I just take it at night and it helps my insomnia problems (I've had severe insomnia all my life, but recently it's been worse.

We're talking more, it's exciting getting to be this open with each other. He's also feeling world's better with CPAP. He told me today he woke up, felt a little sleepy still, but then had lots of energy after he got up and dressed...like that's the craziest thing he's ever heard of. I told him that's how most people feel, and his eyes got wide like he was shocked. He was so used to crappy sleep that he just kind of accepted it as normal. After just a couple days we've both been happier, more active, and even our sex life has improved, and it was pretty great before.

He also bought me a couple dresses, because I haven't been able to feel sexy in a while. Amazing what just that has done for my overall view of myself!

[Kyamo]

Originally Posted by SimplyRochelle 

Finally ready to really jump back in now that I feel like we have some forward momentum to talk about. Stasis just doesn't seem that interesting. But we had our first infertility appointment today with a local OB who was amazing. Hubby has an SA sometime next week, I have an ultrasound Thursday to check for cysts, fibroids, or any possible sign that could indicate endometriosis. If they do see anything abnormal I'll have a lap done sometime in the next few months. We told him we're really just interested in testing right now, but in about 6 months (once the due date would be after nursing school graduation) we'd be more open to medical intervention. He suggested birth control for 3 months which he thinks would regulate/shorten my cycles but I just don't really like that idea at all! He also said he'd want to try Clomid first but I'd really only want to give it one more shot since we did two cycles of it last year with a general practitioner who was happy to hand out drugs. I forgot to ask how much he could offer us and what he would try before referring us somewhere else. It's a shame the only RE in our state is in Little Rock which is about 3 and a half hours from here. I am planning on trying to find a job there when I graduate so if we still don't have a baby on the way by then, we'll begin pursuing IVF after we get settled in there. It just feels so great to be going forward towards some kind of answer. And to know that even if we don't get answers, I'll still be having a baby sometime in the next few years, which after this long is just the boost of hope I needed.

So yay! I'm back!

Welcome back, I've missed your posts. I hope you get some answers. I don't remember what your cycle issues are, but at least for me, BC does a great job of regulating my cycles, ... WHILE I am on it lol. It just goes back to crazy after stopping it. So BC to regulate your cycle for fertility seems really questionable to me.

[BelovedK]

Had to jump ahead and respond to rcr

Please don't let me influence you to feel negative. I am getting old. I am 44!!!TTC since I was 41. I am done I think. You are still young. I get depressed whenever I see that I am the old timer (in more ways than one)

I am not removing myself yet. I don't think you should leave, maybe take a break if you need it. This thread is always here for you and we love you

I'm sorry to only reply to one person. My puter is in the shop, I am on DH's and he is needing it back and I reeaally wanted to say that

[lilmom]

Wow, so many messages I don't know where to start, but let me say welcome to the newbies and welcome back to the rejoiners!

SweetBee - to answer your question, yes I am temping! However, this particular crazy 3 month cycle has been really, really unusual in that my body has tried to O twice and failed, plus I was sick at one point, plus I missed a whole week when we were in California on vacation. So, FF doesn't think I O'ed yet, but I have had several days of temps over 97.3 which usually means O for me, and the last 2 days have been at 97.6. Looking good so far! I have been crampy today off and on, but it seems too early for me to have AF coming, so I'm not sure what to make of it. Emotionally I am kind of a mess too, but that may also be due to the excitement/stress about the possible changes coming up..moving, etc. I'm scared to get too hopeful, if that makes sense, but seriously, even just O is super exciting at this point for me. I love it that acupuncture seems to have helped *something* happen.

SimplyRochelle - I remember you, but can't quite remember if it was from this thread or the long cycles thread? At any rate, I am so glad you have some hope again! I agree with Kyamo though, I would not do bcp for the sake of fertility, that seems very counterintuitive.

objet glad things are going so well!!! Yay for positive energy and happier hubby! I'm glad you're keeping us posted on how the vitex is working!

kparker - hang in there friend. those needles are getting you closer to your goal!

InWaiting I am so frustrated by people's insensitivity and it really angers me that your coworker was talking that way knowing your struggle. I am so sorry. I hope it happens for you soon and you can just bask in the joy of that instead!

Laggie sorry for CD1.

MBA I just want to say you are an awesome threadkeeper.

rcr I have not lost hope for you yet, for whatever that is worth. I believe it will happen!

monkey good news about your grandpa!

Can y'all tell I'm in a really positive mood? AFM, still holding on to the hope I currently have and loving the moment. Praying it lasts.

Sorry for anyone I am leaving out..there were so many to catch up on this time!

[lavatea]

Hey everyone.

Sorry I've been MIA like all week. It's been a busy one and very stressful.

I never did figure out a good babysitter solution (Did I even share that issue on here?), so I broke down and asked my grandparents. They're going to watch the kids while I work so DH can go ahead and take the promotion at his work. Which means shipping my kids out of town half of each week. I'm very upset about the whole thing, though I know it's a step in the direction of eventually scaling back my time at work. Hard to be positive about it, though. I think overall I'm just really not adjusting well to the end of student life/beginning of working life. I just want to be a SAHM - preferably a pg one...

I consider myself on CD 22, 7 DPO. FF hasn't given me crosshairs, though. Probably b/c I'm only temping on my days off so there are a lot of holes in my chart. It has been a less stressful cycle post-O, so I think the scaled back temping was a good idea. I'll probably keep it up next cycle if I don't get a BFP this time.

Um...personals are going to be brief b/c I didn't have the courage to attempt multi-quote (I just read through all 3 pages of the March thread b/c I had forgotten to update my subscription). Beloved and rcr...I'd understand if you guys took a break or unsubbed but you'd be missed for sure. Oh, and thanks for the link to the other infertility thread. Welcome to all of the newbies and welcome back to our returning members. I'm sorry for you ladies that are in a particularly dark place. Thanks for the new thread, MBA.

Thinking of you all.

[SimplyRochelle]

Thanks for the welcome back! Lilmom and Kyamo, the problem right now is that we really don't know what the problem is. We got married when I was 19 and DH was 20, and immediately gave way to the baby fever, but neither of us had jobs with insurance and didn't think we could really afford to buy it on our own. We ended up with a $4000 bill from ending up in the ER after trying to miscarry at home at 12 weeks and felt like we needed to pay that off first. So we've just been in this stasis mode waiting for either a  pregnancy or insurance. Unfortunately the insurance came first, so now we're just a little bit behind, at about 3 and a half year actively ttc, we're finally get some of these initial tests behind us. I really suspect that we are dealing with MFI simply because I do ovulate every month, even if it is a little bit later than "normal" and my DH continues to smoke cigarettes despite my protest. I'm hoping that after his SA and my u/s next week, we'll be that much closer to an answer.

[Smilesarefree]

MBA - Not sure why dh is annoyed with the temping (all 2 days of it!), I think that he thinks that if we just keep doing what we are doing it will happen.  I think that really he is afraid that something is wrong with one of us and that we won't have another and so he plays the I can take one or leave one attitude but  I think he is doing that for me so that if it doesn't happen I can be upset but upset for me and not for both of us. Make any sense?

 

Objet - Glad things are looking up!

 

Kyamo - Thank you thank you thank you for telling me about the Dollarama, I picked up some opk's and hpt's today for a $1.25 each, you saved me a fortune!

 

Welcome new ladies and welcome back all returners!!!

 

AFM - CD 48, did an opk yesterday and today and they were both positive so maybe things are looking up.  Hoping this was just one freak cycle and things go back to normal once af finally shows her face.  I am temping now but I think it will take me awhile to get used to that.  My temp yesterday and my temp today - both taken in bed as soon as I woke up were not even close.  I guess I need to give it more time ..nnn..

 

[miriam_bat_avraham]

I read the One Thread to see what all the fuss was about and wow... Pretty dismayed at the response to Attached2Elijah overall. I'm really, really glad I left the thread myself (on good enough terms) because my feelings would have been hurt by what happened had I been involved. I'm very grateful to have this thread here, where there is a general agreement that one person's happiness and desire to celebrate is not considered more important than someone else's need for discretion and a modicum of sensitivity. I think there is plenty of room for celebration in, say, DDCs, where everyone is likely to be on the same wavelength. And I don't think a thread meant for "everyone" is truly inclusive to everyone at all if sensitivity is replaced with "I'm sorry you're upset, but I'm not going to change what makes me feel good."

I'm also sad to see that there are people who come to this thread for support but say they don't feel accepted here. I feel like we're pretty open and kind and welcoming here, and I put a lot into my BSL friendships because this is really the only place I can have in-depth conversations with a high level of emotional and mental investment when it comes to talking about TTC and treatment, and I try to give that back to the women in this forum by being truly supportive. It's hard to hear that I could be trying to reach out to someone and help them, only to find they have a less than favorable opinion of us feels like I can't win on that one.

For any lurkers-- there are some amazing women in the BSL thread, and we're not an exclusive, cliquey group. While we are a group intended for women who have been TTC an extended time (6-12 months, I believe), no one's going to critique you based on your exact MDC sign-up date, or whether you tried "off and on" depending on changing life circumstances or desires, or whether you already have a child, or whether you will refuse treatment with an RE, or anything. It seems a few people feel intimidated by this thread, but we're not out to get anyone here. We just need a space to escape to when month after month, or year after year, our efforts are still not fruitful and we're left empty-handed. Those feelings DO require special care, and if you have them too, you're welcome to join us.

Phew, that was a lot to type from an iPhone!