2 years, 3 months... gentle weaning?

[MimiMoon]

This is my first time here.  I really need advice.  My daughter is 2 years, 3 months and still nursing.  She has always been a major fan of nursing.  I had originally planned to nurse her for 1 year and just thought like everyone I know, she would get tired of it and stop on her own around 1 year.  At 1 year, she showed no sign of being ready and neither did I, and that was fine.  I decided I would let her lead the way.  I just thought she would be done by now.  I was home with her until 2 months ago, when I had to go back to work, part-time.  She is home with Daddy, when I'm at work.  I thought this might get her on the track to weaning.  No.  I am OK with her nursing because she loves it, but I feel ready to stop.  I don't want it to be traumatic for either of us, though.  How can I take something away from her that she loves so much?  She would not understand and I think it is cruel to just say, "No.  You can't have it anymore."  Is there any way to gently push her in that direction?  My husband suggests putting lemon on my nipples to make the milk sour.  I don't think I can bring myself to do this.  We are living with my parents temporarily (because my husband was laid off) and they make comments about her still nursing.  I used to be able to nurse in front of them, but now my daughter has a ritual of undoing my bra herself and both boobs have to be exposed!  Lol.  It is just getting inconvenient and she sleeps in our bed and nurses at night too.  I don't want to be selfish, but I want to get her weaned soon, so we can start thinking about moving her into her own bed, and so I can have my husband back.  She is so dependant on the boob for falling asleep and when she wakes up 1 or 2 times at night.   She drinks from a regular cup during the day, but does not like milk.  She only sips water throughout the day and drinks water with her meals.  So, it's not like I can give her a sippy of milk as a replacement.   I just feel hopeless and don't know what to do!

Sorry this is so long.  Any advice is much appreciated!

[dancinganya]

Dear MimiMoon,

My daughter is almost 2 and still LOVES nursing.  I am trying to get on the track of weaning because I too want more time with my husband at night and I would like to try and have a second baby in the near future.  We moved my daughter to her own bed after 22 months of co-sleeping and she loves the new bed!  The only drawback is that she wakes up so frequently at night that I have ended up sleeping in there with her most of the night.  It does, however, give my husband and I a few hours in bed together to chat, be intimate, or just cuddle.  I have not taken the hard road yet with strict weaning, but I have managed to cut down the amount of daytime nursing over time.

As for gentle weaning advice, my sister, who has weaned all four of her kids at age 2, has a few tricks.  I have also found some advice online that I thought sounded good.

1.  The first thing you should know for gentle weaning is that it takes time.  Take one regular nursing time away at a time.  For instance, if she wakes up in the morning and wants to nurse but is easily distracted to either do other things or go eat breakfast, maybe try and work on that one first.

2.  Talking it up.  My sister spends a few months talking about how they will stop nursing when they turn 2 (and she also gives them some extra time after that if the timing isn't right).  Telling her about other people she admires and how they don't nurse anymore, but they drink from a straw or cuddle or whatever instead.  My daughter loves it when I tell her stories and sometimes I use this when trying to change a diaper and she doesn't want me to.  I was thinking of telling her a story (telling it over and over) about a little girl who was getting older and didn't need to nurse anymore.  There was also a children's book I saw online called Learning to Wean, but I didn't read it myself yet.

3.  For nighttime weaning, it will probably require some nights of less sleep, but she normally will start the child on something else they find soothing and nurse less and less.  This is not always enjoyable but she will try and encourage the child to do that first before going straight to nursing.  For instance, her daughter always played with her mom's hair while nursing to sleep, so now she just plays with her hair and falls asleep.  I have not found the thing that my daughter might find as soothing as nursing, but at times I can walk her to sleep for bedtime and in the middle of the night.

They may cry, but it is not the same as abandoning your child when they cry.  I am still not good at this, but my sister will just walk the child (or have them play with her hair) while she tells them she loves them and just continues through some crying.  Also, often Dad can play a role here and help with getting back to sleep (or to sleep).  This is not to say that she lets them cry for hours, but maybe 10 minutes.

If your husband is staying home with her, they are probably bonding well and he may be able to get her to sleep?  This coming from someone whose daughter screams her head off if Daddy tries to put her to sleep, but I'm considering it for weaning.  A woman online said that she makes sure to spend lots of special, cuddly time with her children while weaning since some of it is really just for special time with mom.  Your daughter might not have been ready to wean while you were going back to work because of the transition and wanting Mommy time.  After a few months though, you could make something else your special time like reading a few books together before bedtime or just snuggling a lot when you get home from work.

4.  Keep busy!  During the day, being home always leads to nursing.  I try to stay out of the house.  I also read about a mom who limited nursing to only at home and that helped with the beginning of weaning.

5.  My sister also uses a bottle of water at night for when her daughter wakes up and wants to nurse.  I have also read about people using a cup of water with a straw to replace a nipple.  Also, for getting a taste for milk, we love cereal and milk and I think that has led my daughter to liking milk.  Starbucks also always has the boxed vanilla milk that my daughter started on...  Or just try others... rice milk or drinkable yogurts are good too.

Okay, I know I've read and heard other tips, but this is all I can come up with for now.

Best of luck.  Please let me know if you find other magical ways to gently wean.  I feel conflicted about it myself as my daughter loves it so much, but I know that my husband and I do need nighttime together again.  The Sears folks have a great saying that goes, "If you resent it, change it".  So if you are starting to resent it, then changing it will make you a better parent.

At the same time, congratulations for nourshing your daughter for this long with your milk.  I was once nursing my daughter in front of a friend's husband and felt the need to say, "yeah, we are still nursing".  Instead of the dissapproving look I was expecting, he said, "That is great. I bet she loves having that special time with Mommy."  It was so heart warming to not feel like I had to defend myself for something that IS so great!

[MimiMoon]

Thank you so much for all the tips and for the support!  I don't know anyone who has nursed more than 12 months, so it is hard to find advice from people who understand. 

I forgot that she does like cereal milk, but she hasn't had cereal in a while.  I will try offering it to her more often.  Also, you are so right about the night weaning... if I want to do it, I will have to get up with her and walk her back to sleep.  Our daytime nursing sessions have really decreased in the past 6 months or so and we do try to stay busy and out of the house.  I think the night time weaning is my next step to get where I want us to be.  Not looking forward to it at all!

There was a time, a few months ago, when I tried something new.  I told her she was a big girl now and she could nurse in bed before falling asleep, but when the milk was gone, she would have to go to sleep with no boob.  She did it for a week or two straight.  She would toss and turn for 45 minutes or so, but she did go to sleep on her own (next to me).  When she fell asleep with no boob, she slept through the night!  I was so excited, but then we stayed at my in-laws house for one night and she wouldn't do it and that was that.  She refused after that and I gave in.  Maybe I can offer her an incentive to do that again???

Anyway, thanks again.  I really appreciate your reply!

[blueyes178]

Thanks dancinganya and mimimoon for posting this! Any other tips anyone has would be great! It's really really hard!

[dancinganya]

With the cereal and milk, my daughter asked to drink the milk that was left in the bowl after eating the cereal and I think that also gave her more of a taste for milk.

It sounds like you are well on your way.  Don't feel bad about the setback of having her fall asleep without nursing for a few weeks and then going back to it.  My sister has had those times too (sicknesses, vacations) and then you kind of have to do it over again.  I'm inspired by your accomplishment!

Change one thing at a time though.  If you are working on not nursing her to sleep, then don't move her into a new bed at the same time.  Or if you just went back to work, she needs that time to adjust to that.  That is another bit of good advice I've gotten.  It helps for Mom too.

I don't know that you need an incentive, just stand your ground and be consistent.  Not my strong point, but this is what I read and here and have seen from experience.

Good luck and let me know what happens!

[MimiMoon]

So, I told my daughter last evening that she was a big girl now and that she did not need to fall asleep with the boob in her mouth.  I told her she could nurse before bedtime, but not fall asleep nursing, and.... we did it!  She was very good about it.  She whimpered a little, but I told her I could hold her and hug her.  She pulled her shirt up and then pulled my shirt up (only exposing my belly) and laid down on me and went to sleep in a matter of minutes!  This bare belly to bare belly thing is something she started doing on her own, while nursing, a few months ago.  I think it is quite precious.  I rolled her over and she slept well until about 4:30 and then asked for boob.  I decided, in my half-sleep state, that I would give in, and only work on the falling asleep part for now.  Once she is doing well going to sleep without boob, I will cut the night feedings.  I feel good and very proud of her!

[mtbmomma]

My DD is about the same age as yours, and we are in the process of gentle weaning.  I started around Christmas or a little earlier, with night weaning her.  Pretty much the same way you are doing it.  She usually made it until the 5 am time, and then we would nurse and she would go back to sleep until morning.  After a couple weeks I cut out that 5 am nursing, but made sure she ate a decent amount of food in the evenings.  For a few days she would need a sippy cup of milk at this wake up since she was hungry.  

After she adjusted to being night weaned, I cut our day time nursing down to 3 times, wake up, nap and bedtime  I told her those were the times we nursed, but also made sure to provide lots of yummy meals and snacks throughout the day.  The trick was to offer them before she got hungry and asked to nurse.  After a while she started asking for food first!  

After a couple weeks of being adjusted to that schedule, I dropped the mid day nursing.  DD only naps occasionally, and will fall asleep in the car, Ergo or jogger the most reliably, so that is what we do now instead.  She still often asks for this nursing, but I just tell her she can have snuggles instead, and she is fine with that.  Often times she just requests snuggles, especially during the night.

A week ago I dropped the morning nursing session, which was actually not too hard for her.  Unfortunately, it has resulted in an early wake up time since she is hungry and ready to play if she can't nurse.  The last couple days I have been nursing her again in the morning though, since she is sick and I figure she could use the extra milk boost.  In hindsight, I kind of wish I had stuck with the 3x a day until cold season was over, because up until now she has been the only toddler we know to not get sick this winter.  I will probably wait until April to drop the morning one again, and then aim for May or so to wean all together.  Though I may just stick with the bedtime nursing until we are both ready to be done.  

Overall I have been very happy with this method of weaning.  At times I am a bit sad to have not done CLW, but I know it just isn't right for me.  This way has not been too hard on DD, and it is giving her time to adjust and find other ways of comfort and time for us both to find other ways of connecting outside of nursing.  I knew we were making progress last week, when she had a pretty bad fall at the children's museum and didn't even ask to nurse!

[LizzieRed]

I could have written this post, my DD is the same age and showed no signs of wanting to wean.  My daughter was waking much more at night, though, and the lack of sleep was getting to me so I had been trying to night wean her without success for over 6 months.  With my DD, any limits I tried to set on nursing were met with extreme resistance.  She could not seem to understand why milk was not available to her at any time.  We recently moved her into a big girl bed in her own room.  We set it up for about 2 weeks, saying she would get her new room and new bed and when she did Mom's milk would go away to little babies who need it and she would not have any more.  She seemed to get this and would talk about it with me and with her Grandma.  I wasn't totally optimistic it would work - but it did.  She understands and accepts the milk being gone when she couldn't understand why sometimes she could have milk and sometimes she couldn't.

We went from up 4-6 times a night to nurse to her sleeping in her own bed and only waking once in less than a week.

I am not saying it will keep going this smoothly...but when a child is ready the process shouldn't involve a ton of stress...and sometimes the most straight forward explanation works best. 

[namistenicole]

Originally Posted by MimiMoon 

So, I told my daughter last evening that she was a big girl now and that she did not need to fall asleep with the boob in her mouth.  I told her she could nurse before bedtime, but not fall asleep nursing, and.... we did it!  She was very good about it.  She whimpered a little, but I told her I could hold her and hug her.  She pulled her shirt up and then pulled my shirt up (only exposing my belly) and laid down on me and went to sleep in a matter of minutes!  This bare belly to bare belly thing is something she started doing on her own, while nursing, a few months ago.  I think it is quite precious.  I rolled her over and she slept well until about 4:30 and then asked for boob.  I decided, in my half-sleep state, that I would give in, and only work on the falling asleep part for now.  Once she is doing well going to sleep without boob, I will cut the night feedings.  I feel good and very proud of her!

I was worried about this too (lack of sleep) but once I established the rule that there is "no nursing until the sun is up" it was surprisingly easily to get through the night. She often asks to nurse (when she does wake up) but I can say no, I'll nurse you in the morning and she usually takes this ok. Some nights will be hard (especially while she is in your bed) but being VERY consistent and clear about nursing times has been extremely effective for us.

[dancinganya]

Wow!  I would love it if my daughter would sleep on her own until 5am!  I think she is already stressed about being able to nurse and the suggestions here about making it clear when she can and can't nurse would help.  I was starting with not nursing until noon, which is usually the case anyway, but I think unrestricted during the day would help with weaning her at night and honestly, that is the one I need for my sanity (and marriage).