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Calling all mamas of boys!! Boys vs. Girls?

post #1 of 32
Thread Starter 

I have a friend who has a DS around 2.5 years old.  She has been a nightmare to me since we found out we *might* be expecting a boy.  She keeps feeding me horror stories about her son and telling me I have no idea how to raise a boy b/c I'm spoiled with this with DD being "a girl".  She's very hung up on gender versus personality, and as much as I try to talk to her about how it's not necessarily b/c he's "a boy" that he does certain things, she won't give it up.

 

Now, I don't know if it's hormones or what, but it's really pissing me off.  And bothering me.  And making me doubt that I can "handle" a boy.  I mean, DD is a tough kid as far as I know.  She climbs on me and throws monster tantrums like most 2 year olds.  But I love her nurturing side, the way she plays quietly, the way we can laugh and dance and sing together.  Tell me boys do these things too?  Please, just tell me it's this woman's boy who is misbehaving b/c he's 2 and not solely b/c he's a boy.

 

She just now texted me that he's walking around with the vaccuum attachment in his mouth and I better "pray for another nice, calm, little girl," and I'm like, livid!!  UGH!  I wish she woud just freaking back off and stop with it, but no matter how much I try to tell her she just rolls her eyes and treats me like I have "no idea" what it's like to raise a boy.

 

Our parenting styles are different.  She doesn't AP, didn't BF, we definitely disagree with how to discipline. I want to say her parenting is a major part of why this kid misbehaves, but part of me just has doubts.  I'm curious what I'm in for and if she's just feeding me her own issues.  What do you think, guys?

 

Ok, verbatim, here is her latest text, "boys are different than girls you will never get a boy to sit quietly like nora does and color while you're in the shower. boys just aren't wired that way."

 

WTF!!??

post #2 of 32

I don't have a son yet! But, she's wrong. And very negative about her child. I don't care what gender, repeatedly "warning" someone of their impending doom of having a child like yours? Very harsh.

Every child is different. There are differences in how people tend to raise boys that often have them acting differently and there are differences in the genders, but parenting matters.

Continue disbelieving her.

post #3 of 32

ddcc

 

She is totally wrong.  I have a boy in between my 2 girls and he is as nurturing and caring and focused as they are.  I think it does have alot to do with parenting.  Yes, he is a boy so he is more adventurous and daring and sometimes crazy, but he doesn't get away with the world because he can.  He knows the limits and what is expected in our family unit.

post #4 of 32

I know that personality and parenting can play a major part, but for me having a boy was MUCH easier. My first was a very mellow little guy. He started sleeping through the night at 6 weeks old (we were EBFing and cosleeping). From the time he was about 2 1/2 - 3 years old he started asking to do chores around the house. He would help me with the dishes and folding laundry. He never had problems sharing with other kids and he never had aggressive behavior. He was SO easy to parent.

 

My second, a girl, is definitely high needs but that has nothing to do with her gender. She isn't "bad" or "naughty" or "difficult" she just NEEDS more. I couldn't lay her down for naps, she had to sleep in my arms until she was over a year old. I had to devote a lot more of my time to keeping her content, but again not every baby is going to be the same.

 

I'm sorry she's being so discouraging. It sounds like she could be doing a lot of things differently to make her son happier and make her own life easier.

post #5 of 32

I only have a boy...and he is quickly approaching 2 years old (20 mo right now).  I  can say this, he is adventurous, silly, and playful with a very strong-willed personality.  He is also a loving and wonderful little boy.  Yes, there will be differences between boys and girls.  My son took an instant liking to trucks, cars, and trains without ever being prompted to play with those items by us or any of the adults in his life.  But those differences are not akin to boys=difficult, girls=easy.  My son loves to play outside and dig in the dirt and get all muddy.  And there are times that he may run through the house screaming just because he wants to...he is very high spirited.  There are also times when he comes up to DH or myself to give unprompted hugs and kisses and gently pats us to show that he loves us.  We have lot's of fun coloring, singing and dancing together, and listening to fun or relaxing music too.  Plus, there is the best perk of all...little boys LOVE their mommies!  That is the best, best, best part of having a boy.  The absolute adoration they have for their mommies is unmatched.  My mom ( who has a son and a daughter) describes it as almost romantic love and I have to agree.  The way he looks at me when he's nursing or when he is in a lovey-dovey mood more than makes up for all the rambunctious horse-play that goes on at other times. 

 

My advice is to tell your friend to back off with the horror stories.  Just because she can't handle her son, doesn't mean you will have the same experience!

post #6 of 32

I love being the Mamma of a boy. He might only be 9 months but he has a fairly laid back personality and is reasonably easy going. He does have a lot of physical energy that needs to be burned up before he will sit on the floor and play, but as long as I don't expect too much from him he is really good. My DS was also sleeping through the night at about 6 weeks by his own choice ( I even tried to wake him the first few nights so I could nurse him), he will happily play quietly on the floor with a few toys as long as he can see me (he is only 9mths.) He loves to give cuddles and kisses, and I don't think I could ask for a better child than DS.

 

It sounds to me like your friend is projecting her own issues, both onto her son and blaming his gender, and to you. I personally would ignore what she says as it has nothing to do with how any of your children may or may not turn out.

post #7 of 32

um... i have two boys. the 3.5 year old is sitting quitely, coloring right now as i type. the 15 month old is sleeping.

 

i think it has a lot more to do with the way the child is parented. i have seen some girls that are worse than boys too, and thay are not parented like my boys are. i would just tell her that you really dont want to hear horror stories right now and that you are confident that if you have a boy, you will raise him to be like your daughter, well behaved!

post #8 of 32

My boy is easier then my girls, well one girl. One girl child of mine would try the patience of a saint, the other one is a typical child. My boy however, is this  sweet snuggly little thing who loves to give kisses and really is quite adorable if I do say so myself. He is destructive, I've never had to hide the knives from the other kids, or had a child climb on top of the dryer before, or buy oven locks! After having girls for 6 years and then a boy, the whole penis thing threw me for a bit, I still get caught off guard when he gets an erection while I am wiping him. Truck noises were ingrained into Julian, he isn't verbal due to speech delays but he knows how to pretend a truck is moving despite us never showing him. 

post #9 of 32

Uh.  I have an 11 year old girl.  I have a 6 year old boy.  Boy?  Besides being quite shy and introverted has been fairly easy. The hardest thing for me is getting him to interact with other kids and actually GO to kindergarten! He stole my heart.  My girl?  VERY strong willed, very mouthy, very hormonal!  I adore the child, she is something special and highly talented, but I would say that she has been much more difficult on me.  She is SO much like me!  Also age has a lot to do with it, but we could tell from very early on how strong willed she was.  I have had trouble parenting her because I can't even figure myself out. HA! I also find that your friends attitude sucks.  It appears she feels this way about HER child, but I honestly doubt it has anything to do with said child's gender!

post #10 of 32

 I also call BS on her.  Children are children, and each is unique and will have her/his own personality and quirks.  I don't think you can peg behavior or expectations on sex, but in our society we like to try to genderize from birth (and even before) by making assumptions and predictions.  Sex is biological, gender is cultural.  You get what you get.  winky.gif

post #11 of 32
Thread Starter 


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Beckily View Post
Every child is different. There are differences in how people tend to raise boys that often have them acting differently and there are differences in the genders, but parenting matters.

Continue disbelieving her.


I'm going to!  I think she's full of it, I think I just needed some sort of reassurance b/c this is really the only "friend" I have who has a son.  And he happens to be the same age as my daughter so she's always telling me horror stories!  She really emphasizes the boy aspect of who he is, and some of the things she tells him and teaches him make me cringe. 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tamera View Post
I'm sorry she's being so discouraging. It sounds like she could be doing a lot of things differently to make her son happier and make her own life easier.


It IS discouraging.  I feel like she's saying I only know how to parent a girl.  And she's NEVER parented a girl so I feel like a lot of what she says is unfounded.  She tells me things like, "boys are spacial not emotional so they like puzzles".  Oh, so I should take away DD's puzzles b/c she's a girl??  OMG.  It's insane.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by egmaranian View Post
My son loves to play outside and dig in the dirt and get all muddy.  And there are times that he may run through the house screaming just because he wants to...he is very high spirited.  There are also times when he comes up to DH or myself to give unprompted hugs and kisses and gently pats us to show that he loves us.  We have lot's of fun coloring, singing and dancing together, and listening to fun or relaxing music too.  


See, DD is a lot like this.  I think that's just kids in general, not necessarily boys vs girls.  I think high spirited children have tendencies to be like this - almost manic with highs and lows.  They go nuts and then they show their affection in such personal ways.  That's DD to a tee!

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by lisastrickland View Post

um... i have two boys. the 3.5 year old is sitting quitely, coloring right now as i type. the 15 month old is sleeping.

 

i think it has a lot more to do with the way the child is parented. i have seen some girls that are worse than boys too, and thay are not parented like my boys are. i would just tell her that you really dont want to hear horror stories right now and that you are confident that if you have a boy, you will raise him to be like your daughter, well behaved!


Haha - yeah true that!!

 



Quote:
Originally Posted by Peony View PostAfter having girls for 6 years and then a boy, the whole penis thing threw me for a bit, I still get caught off guard when he gets an erection while I am wiping him. 

Haha ok now there's a difference I will definitely accept!  Ha!

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by jennyfah View Post

 I also call BS on her.  Children are children, and each is unique and will have her/his own personality and quirks.  I don't think you can peg behavior or expectations on sex, but in our society we like to try to genderize from birth (and even before) by making assumptions and predictions.  Sex is biological, gender is cultural.  You get what you get.  winky.gif


Thank you for this!!  This is exactly my point.  Children in general throw you for a loop, and give you a run for your money.  I've come out to find DD head to toe covered in marker, or having dug through my deodorant and wiped it on my clean sheets.  Or having found lip balm and painted the couch!  None of these things scream to me OMG it's b/c she's A GIRL!  It's b/c she's a 2 year old!! LOL!  But when her son licks the floor for an hour and she has to keep repeating to him, "Stop licking the floor," it's b/c he's a boy.  She won't hear it that it's b/c he's a kid.  (Not that my DD has ever licked the floor, but you get where I'm going with this.)

 

I think my plan of action is just going to choose my battles with her.  Change the subject if I have to.  I really feel like she's projecting her own issues on to me.  I think she just wants to seem like she's a know-it-all who has it all figured out, and I'm damned if I try to do better than she has.  IDK.  

 

But a HUGE THANK YOU to all you mamas.  I really am looking forward to having a son (if that's what this baby is)  I feel like she's trying to plant negative seeds in my brain.  I'm going to just have to blow her off and ignore her!

 

post #12 of 32

Yup, definitely ignore all of that! My ds is just a love dove! He is snugglier and sweeter than dd was at this age (22 mo). He is rambunctious and curious sure, but that is just typical for the age. My dd got into just as much when she was a toddler. I really hate when people disguise their negativity and stereotype rants as "advice". I hope she knocks it off soon.

post #13 of 32

I only have one girl, but I have three boys. I also have 8 daycare kids, 3 boys and 5 girls. Girls are insanely harder than boys. Boys seem to be more physical so they are into more stuff, but the stress level of a physical boy vs an emotional girl is night and day.

 

My MIL has 7 boys in a row and then 1 girl. That is the whole reason they stopped having kids because she couldn't be sure she wouldn't have another girl!

 

Don't get me wrong, I ADORE my DD and my daycare girls (and MIL loves SIL) but girls are harder hands down in the day to day keeping them happy and balanced. Or as my DH lovingly says, "Women are crazy"  lol.gif

post #14 of 32

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by egmaranian View Post

Yes, there will be differences between boys and girls.  My son took an instant liking to trucks, cars, and trains without ever being prompted to play with those items by us or any of the adults in his life.  But those differences are not akin to boys=difficult, girls=easy.  My son loves to play outside and dig in the dirt and get all muddy.  And there are times that he may run through the house screaming just because he wants to...he is very high spirited.  There are also times when he comes up to DH or myself to give unprompted hugs and kisses and gently pats us to show that he loves us

 

This has been my experience with the scads of little boys I know (and the one I am a mother to).  They do tend to be higher energy.  They do tend to want to play with trucks, and be dirty, and wrestle, even despite the attempts of their very dismayed liberal mothers to not adhere them to gender norms so early.

 

BUT, that doesn't make the little boys "bad."  It might mean that having a boy, as a GENERALIZATION, means that you'll have to exert more physical energy in your parenting in the early years (and in some cases, this is a lot of fun).  But I think every child is going to pose some major challenges for their parents at some point in their lives.  Your DD might be the sweetest little girl on the planet, a perfect angel, until she hits her teen years...  There's always going to be something with kids.  And I'm sure you'll be able to roll with it!

 

There are always, always exceptions to "rules."  If your friend gets smart again about the boys v. girls thing, just say this:  At least with boys, you just have to worry about one penis.  With girls, you have to worry about them all!

 

If you end up having a boy, sure, you might very well end up running around a lot more early on.  But at least your little boy will (most likely) never be a teenage girl winky.gif

 

 
post #15 of 32

You really need to tell her to stop with the comments.  If she feels a need to vent about her child, let her do it to someone else! 

post #16 of 32
I have FIVE living sons. She is completely wrong. Her boy may be all piss and vinegar, but it sounds like he gets it from HER....it's not an innate quality of maleness to be hyper active.

Now listen...(see my mommy tone??) Boys are extremely tender. Our culture screws them from the very beginning with expectations of maleness and typical male behavior. If you have a little boy, do not treat him differently than you would a little girl. Let him cry, console him, model tenderness and emotive modeling. Give him quiet and active things to do. Do not discriminate against pink, unicorns, and baby dolls. My boys are great...super great. Everyone loves them for their inquisitive gentleness and trustworthiness. They are aged 21-7 So, I've done it all so far...except be a grandparent!!! I am pregnant now, and I fully expect a boy, though people tease me about having a girl. I honestly don't care one way or the other. Boys are the sweetest little people on earth and you will NOT have to worry if you don't shove that "he's a BOY" down his throat as if you expect him to behave differently. I am highly suspicious that most of the negative male behavior we see on earth is because of how boys are TREATED not because of how they ARE. And mom's are the ones at home...so I am lookin' at them first and wondering why it is that we place such labels on our kids. "sugar and spice" and all that jazz...what a crock of cow dung.

All in all...this isn't to sound bossy...but your "friend" is just dealing with a kiddo who isn't easy for her, and she is inflaming it by saying it's because he is a boy and then expecting him to act like a nutter. Yeah...KIDS do silly things. KIDS have the capacity to sit quietly and play. KIDS like gentle and active play. KIDS cry and then need to be consoled. KIDS are KIDS. I've seen boys misbehave, and girls misbehave. Their brains ARE different, but they don't have to be brainwashed into thinking that "BIG MAN LIKE TONKA AND PRETTY LITTLE GIRL". oh brother....Good luck with your friend.
post #17 of 32


This is AWESOME!!!  biglaugh.gif

 

You just made my day with that comment winky.gif

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Italiamom View Post

There are always, always exceptions to "rules."  If your friend gets smart again about the boys v. girls thing, just say this:  At least with boys, you just have to worry about one penis.  With girls, you have to worry about them all!

 

If you end up having a boy, sure, you might very well end up running around a lot more early on.  But at least your little boy will (most likely) never be a teenage girl winky.gif

 


 

 

post #18 of 32
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emerging butterfly View Post
If you have a little boy, do not treat him differently than you would a little girl. Let him cry, console him, model tenderness and emotive modeling. Give him quiet and active things to do. Do not discriminate against pink, unicorns, and baby dolls.


If I have a boy, I wouldn't even dream of treating him differently than I do with Nora.  I encourage her to play in the dirt, to run around, to be messy as much as I encourage her more nurturing side.  I would do the same with any child!!  My friend, though,  DOES discriminate.  Basically, everything you said, she does.  No dolls, no crying, NOTHING.  He's supposed to be rough and tumble OR ELSE.  He's not allowed to see her naked (as in changing clothes or getting out of the shower) b/c she's a girl and he's a boy (srsly).  It bothers me to NO END because she makes so many comments that really irk me.  I'm always calling her out on it, but she ALWAYS shoots me down, rolls eyes, or starts flapping her trap about how boys are wired differently and how I have no idea, yadda yadda.

 

Thanks for the luck.  Ha!  I'm going to need it!!

 

And seriously!  I'm going to have my work cut out for me with a teenage girl!  Maybe in 12-13 years the tables will turn and I'll be able to spout wisdom over to her!  LOL!!

 

post #19 of 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by Baby_Cakes View Post

  No dolls, no crying, NOTHING.  He's supposed to be rough and tumble OR ELSE.  

 

A little boy can't CRY??  Can't be sweet and gentle??  No wonder this little boy of hers might be a little more challenging than average.  He has no healthy way of expressing difficult emotions and isn't even expected to be calm and gentle.  Yikes.  And no dolls?  Does she not ever expect that he might be a father someday who would need to have an innate sense of tenderness and care for little people?  But she won't show him how that's done?

 

My little boy is almost 3 now.  Yes, I have been well-versed in the 2 year old pushing/hitting stage, but all in all, he's just the sweetest little one I know.  He has a doll, but is not so interested in it.  But, you should see him "father" his stuffed doggie.  He's so tender!  Putting doggie down for naps, "reading" him stories, talking to him animatedly.  All children have different built-in personalities, and yes, sometimes they gravitate towards stereotypical activities despite their parents best intentions to raise them gender-neutrally (ask me how I know!).  But, children model the behavior they are shown.  If a child, boy or girl, is treated with gentleness and kindness from birth (to me, that means lots of baby wearing, cuddles, immediate soothing when crying, nursing, etc), that is how they will treat the world.  I am quick to comfort my DS when he falls, checking to make sure he's ok and giving him a kiss.  It certainly hasn't made him a "sissy,"  he is actually pretty tough!  And, he's the first to come give me a little pat or kiss and ask "ok, mama?" if I so much as stumble walking up the stairs!   

 

So, to sum up.... boys are the best!

post #20 of 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by mama2soren View Post

A little boy can't CRY??  Can't be sweet and gentle??  No wonder this little boy of hers might be a little more challenging than average.  He has no healthy way of expressing difficult emotions and isn't even expected to be calm and gentle.

 

yeahthat.gif

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