Does 7yo need permission

[bonamarq]

My dh and I had a minor disagreement here and I want some input -

My dd, 7yo, was talking with the neighbor kids in the back yard, separated by a fence - the neighbor had a friend over (I think it was actually the girl who used to live in my house -

we've lived her 3 1/2 years)

The children are older by a couple of years and my dd has played over there but it's very infrequent given schedules and age difference etc - Certainly when she was younger one of us always went with her and supervised her etc - as she has gotten older she has gone over, invited, without us but usually DH is in back yard - she doesn't go in the house unless invited by a parent.

I knew my dd wanted to go and play but I told her that it's rude to invite yourself but if they invited you that was fine with me - I went inside and watched her talking with them over the fence - eventually she climbed over and joined them on the tree swing - she was not over there more than 15 minutes and I could always see her from the window.

My dh is appalled that I did not clear with the parents FIRST that it was OKAY for my dd to join the other kids in the back yard for play? I don't see this as a big deal at all? From my conversation my dd knew it was okay with me if she went - at her age I left it up to the other kids to work it out - either they are or are not allowed to make that type of invite or have to ask first or whatever? Our yards adjoin and are separated by a high fence (but one my dd can easily climb and land on a platform for their tree swing. The family has five kids, most of whom are older and they seem very casual about such things, although it has admittedly been a long time (maybe nearly a year) since my dd played over there....

So what are your thoughts - was it rude of me to not check or is he over reacting?

[meemee]

if i was your neighbour i wouldnt mind at all. with 5 kids or even with one, i'd have no problems.

however when the shoe is on the other foot, and i dont really know the parents that well - even though youve been neighbors for 3 1/2 years, i'd probably go over and make sure. i'd do this the first few times and then not anymore. i'd like to make sure it truly was ok for dd to go over. and i'd always tell them to send her back if they needed to. 

to me its being polite. good manners. buts its a place where i go overboard. so perhaps i am more like your dh. 

[Alyantavid]

Well I don't like random kids showing up at my house when I don't know it.  My kids always ask me first if someone can come over and I have them make sure the other parent is ok with it. 

So yeah I'd probably go over and make sure it was ok.

[HollyBearsMom]

IMHO, for next door backyard play no, to go into the house yes.

That said I would check in w/ the parents and get their take for the future.  If you don't know them now is a good time to start.  

Call/stop by and introduce yourself, let them know that your child joined in the fun yesterday and hope they didn't mind.

If you do know them already just call and give them the heads up-kind of like "Hi-its Suzy from next door. Looks like our kids had a lot of fun yesterday.  Hope you don't mind her climbing the fence and joining in?

By talking to them you will get a sense of their feelings on the situation. Due the litigious society we live in some folks can be prickly about having uninvited guests on the property, especially if the have play structures, tramps, pools, etc.

[pianojazzgirl]

I think you can trust your gut on this one.  If you're pretty sure that the other parents wouldn't mind your dd popping over then you're probably right.  TBH at that age (9yo-ish I assume since you mention they're around a couple years older than your dd) I'd rather the kids just work it out themselves as opposed to bugging me, esp since we're just talking about playing in the backyard vs. in the house.

[bonamarq]

I have met the parents numerous times and even when she was 3 they were like "she's fine, don't worry" but we were not comfortable at that age -

I was operating along the lines of the pp who said at 9 (the neighbor child) should know what is okay and felt like my knocking on the door to check would be more of

a bother than having an extra kid in the back yard on the swings for a bit - dd knows that we DO NOT want her to go in the house since that is more of an imposition

We know each other, we just are not close....

And in winter it seems NO ONE sees each other?????

On the other hand I would not have her go across the street - those neighbors, while we know them better, have a younger child (5) and I would be sure to check since the 5yo needs more supervision than a 9 yo and would not likely just be playing on their own...that and she has to cross a street (although she's fine doing that we just always watch and want to know)

Thanks for the input - 

[~cassie]

I don't worry about it.  Now, Alex and the neighbor kids all know they have to ask me if they can use certain play things-especially the trampoline b/c if they want to jump then I have to come out there with them.  I always let Alex go out by himself, esp during naptime for the younger ones on the weekend and usually there are 2-6 kids that end up over here.

[Shannie77]

For me it would just depend on how well I knew the neighbours.  It sounds like you know them well enough and that you used good judgement.  We had neighbourhood friends growing up and we were always going into each others backyards without checking (starting around 7 or 8).  Going into someone's house was a different story. 

[NikonMama]

My son is older, but for quite a few years now...since he has been allowed to leave our yard without us with him...I really haven't given it much thought.    DS has been allowed to take whomever he wants to into our backyard and he's allowed to go into their yards without having to ask our permission.  He's not allowed to go into anyone's houses, though, and I don't really want them in my house either.  But just yards...who cares.  We aren't really close with any of our neighbors. 

[nextcommercial]

I wouldn't mind.  I had kids show up in my yard all the time.  I never worried that their parents didn't know.  I assumed that was the parent's issue, and mine was just to make sure they didn't come inside and eat all the food in the pantry.  

[onyxravnos]

i agree the it needs to be oakyed with parents to go into the house andif it was down the street or something it would also need to be okayed before she went but going from one yard to the next? i see no reason.

we live on a dirt road with a few houses (only one of which has kids) my kids have free run of the road and are welcome to play with the kids a few houses down as they wish but they are not allowed into the house without asking me.

I think your supervision of the situation was PERFECT

[Polliwog]

I don't think you need to ask. Yards are yards.

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

Honestly, I really don't like just having kids show up at my door. It could be that I have company and don't want to have to watch an extra child. Or I planned on only having the two children and bringing out snacks, but I don't have enough for more children. Or a million different things. So, I'd prefer to be asked. But, I wouldn't think it was that big a deal if it was just a once in awhile sort of thing.

[phathui5]

Since you know the parents, I think that your dd going over to play without asking every time is fine. I have neighbor kids over here almost every day. They don't wait for me to ask them if they want to come in; they knock on the door and ask if the kids can play and we tell them to come in.

[bonamarq]

Thanks for the replies everyone - I was expecting a bit of variety - but I'm glad to see there is a general consensus that it's okay and really - that the kids should know the rules of their own house - At 9 I would guess the child knew that it was or was not okay to invite a neighbor into the yard to play -

the person who brought up the snack issue has a good point - but as I said she was only there for about 15 min...

[camracrazy]

I would have been annoyed with the kid climbing the fence (well, I guess it would depend if it was my fence or their fence), mainly because we had some neighbor kids RUIN our fence. They aren't cheap to fix or replace, and of course they were renters so they just up and left without doing anything about the damage their kids caused. They really acted like they had no idea why we were upset about the whole thing!

I think I would touch base with the neighbors and just make sure they were okay with your dd coming over, as a courtesy. And unless it is your fence I would tell your dd that she needed to go around the fence.