voluntarily reliquishing rights for better of child

[Leenikol87]

It's hard to think of a parent reliquishing parental rights but being the mom who is married to a man who had a baby with the meaniest ugliest(personality wise) straight up the devil old woman i can understand what kids go through when parents dont get along.  My husband and the unwed mother fight constinently and can't agree on anything.  We have gave miles and she hasn't budged an inch.  Anything she can say no to she will and has.  When her and my hubands baby was born he was there but after that she has limited his seeing the baby to when she wants and on her terms.  I'm not aloud to see the baby with my huband,, she makes up things when he does to see her along like she got pregnant again and they still have a relationship.  So my husband gave served her with papers for joint custody and for her to stop seeing her sex offender boyfriend and she served him with child support.  So now all we have gotten is four days (sixteen hours) of visitation and we pay 400 dollars a months for two years now.  I need help because we believe that our option for making the child feel like she is loved is to reliquish my husbands parental rights and later on in her life we explain to her why we did . I was wondering if the parent still pays childsupport because the women uses her support to pay a lawyer and to pay her first child's child support to her ex husband..If he doens't have to pay her child support after the reliquishing rights we would put what we pay for child support in a saving accout for a new car for her when she is old enough or for a college fund.

Please we need help (we live in michigan) thank you 

[Ldavis24]

there was almost this exact same post a month ago maybe? Is this for real?

[Leenikol87]

yes

[Petronella]

Maybe not having to pay child support and not having to deal with the child's mother would be better for you and your husband...but you haven't explained how "relinquishing rights" would be better for the child.  If your husband has been having visitation and paying CS for two years, then the child is at least 2yr, which means that she knows her father and would suffer if he were no longer in her life. 

At any rate, it is very unlikely that attempting to relinquish parental rights would relieve your husband of his CS obligations, not unless there is someone else willing to adopt the child.  Even if you guys do buy her a car in 20 years. 

$400 is very minimal child support!  I'm surprised he hasn't been ordered to pay more, assuming he is employed. 

If you and your husband are worried about his child's welfare (and the sex offender boyfriend does sound bad), then get a lawyer, go through legal channels to try to gain more custody. 

[Maluhia]

I would expect at two he could start increasing his visitation days which would be in the child's best interest to have an ongoing regular healthy relationship with a loving father. 

[kittn]

as a child whos father walked away rather than help or fight, i can tell you that child will NEVER believe her father cared at all. just so you know

[Climbing Rose]

How would this be for the better of the child?  I don't understand.

I would think 'better' for the child would be to go to court for more time, to get the boyfriend not allowed, etc.... not to walk away.

Why would be want to give up his rights to see her own daughter? 

[Leenikol87]

to answer any questions regarding all of this..My husband has been fighting in court about more visitation and the sex offender(he is a registered sex offender for having relations with a 12 or younger girl in the state of michigan)  issue for the two years the child has been alive. the court system in Muskegon county has put us thru mediation until a couple of weeks ago when the judge said we could only have four days for about three hours a day. The reason for low child support is because she makes being a janitor as much as my husband does in the military.  My husband was a child of two parents never getting along and threatening and never could see one of them bc of the hate from the other one and he wishes someone else would have taken him.  He lived with his grandparents till he was old enough to drive and decide where he wanted.  his baby mama will always say no to visitation and it seems we will never ever get enough time for her to know us.. She has a halfbrother she won't ever know either way .  Plus she wont let us help decide anything like the church she goes to the school she goes to.  The court does not ssee that the child knows her father because of the reason that her mother never let us see her except the day she was born.  At this point we are a paycheck to her mother not the child since we know from the mother that she doens't use it on her.

[VocalMinority]

I hear that you are not trying to be selfish and lessen the stress for yourselves, at the expense of the child.  You think it might be better for the child to never see your DH, than to suffer the endless conflict that results from him attempting to see her.  

Nevertheless, I think your DH waiving visitation would be a horrible mistake.

This child has a mother who makes abominable choices that put her (the child) in danger (i.e., living with a man who has already molested a pre-pubescent girl).  Assuming there is nothing wrong with your DH that would make a reasonable mother try to keep him away from his child, then this mother is also someone prone to extreme conflict without reasonable provocation; vengefulness; and prioritizing her own wants over her daughter's needs (i.e., her hatred toward your DH is more important than the child's right to have a relationship with her father).  You guys cannot, in good conscience, walk away from an endangered child - especially when she is your husband's own!

This child will be exposed to conflict, stress and misery from this mother, whether your DH leaves the picture or not.  If he leaves, the mother will create conflict with someone new, or keep the current conflict alive, by telling the child about the no-good, deadbeat Dad who never loved her and walked out on her.  

You may think, "She's telling the child these things about my DH, anyway!"  The important difference is, even if the child only gets 4 hours a month with your DH, as she gets older, she will be increasingly aware of his presence, his love and concern for her, and that he's fighting for more access to her.  When she hears ugliness from her mother, some part of her mind will say, "But that's not true.  When I'm with Dad, he's not like she says."  But if your husband waits to tell her he loves her, when she's an adult, it will not have the same effect.  She will have spent all her vulnerable, formative childhood years BELIEVING what her mother tells her about him, BECAUSE HE ISN'T THERE TO TELL HER OTHERWISE.  And she will wonder, "If you loved me, why didn't you fight for me?  How could you give up on me?  How could you leave me with my crazy mother and not try to protect me?" 

Whether you have a good relationship with your own father, or whether you just longed for a good father when you were young, wouldn't you agree that children hope to be cherished and important enough to their fathers, that their fathers could NEVER stand to walk away from them, no matter how hard things were?  Your husband needs to be such a father, to this child.

Also, if he keeps fighting to enforce his parental rights, in time two things will happen:

1- He will be awarded more visitation.  Unless a judge is going to take a baby away from the mother altogether, it is hard to award visitation that forces a baby/toddler to spend a lot of time away from "Mommy".  The same is not true, with school-aged children.  Many states are adopting standards in which older kids spend fully half their time with the "non-custodial" parent.  Where this is not the case, every other weekend and at least one day during the week - EVERY week - is pretty standard.

2- The court will take more and more exception to her refusing your DH access to the child and/or ignoring court orders, if she keeps doing that.  My husband's ex was, in many ways, like yours (but without the child-molesting boyfriend!)  He fought for access to his son, and to enforce the custodial orders the court gave, but which his ex wouldn't follow.  This began when his son was 6 months old.  It was miserable.  After eight years of it, the court awarded my husband sole custody - because of all the mother's efforts to deny him access to the child and to interfere with the father-son relationship. I would think your DH would have an even stronger argument to get custody at some point, if the mother continues endangering the child by living with a child molester.

Be strong!

[VisionaryMom]

My dad walked away because my mother truly is mentally ill. I haven't forgiven him. He's literally on his deathbed right now, and I still haven't forgiven him. Do what you want but don't delude yourselves into thinking that this child will grow up thinking that you did the good & noble thing. She'll see it for what it is.

[Leenikol87]

thank you jeannine but for the other people who don't believe in forgiveness, your life will be better if you forgive it doesn't mean you ahve to forget.

We've been fight in court for over a year and have actually gotten less time with the child..we are in the military and we will probably on like like four hours this whole year..How can a judge see that that is how much a father deserves to have with his child.  The less time we have with the child the more the court will see that the child doesn't know her father...thats what the judge said to us about a month ago..it's a vicious cycle.  Just because my husband was denied parenting time before the court was invovled means that he can't have visitation right now bc they see that we didn't put in the effort to see the baby.  We've tried phone calls and phone calls everyday when we were in town and she said no no no.  Nobody really gets what we've tried to do..we can fight fight and fight and the child will truly never get to know who her father bc of her and the court system. Just because my husband and the woman were never married or actually dated doesn't mean he doesn't get parenting time.. they never found him unfit. The more we fight in the court the less time we get with the child..it's sad bc men don't get the same courtesy as women do when it comes to custody and stuff

[CarrieMF]

Phone calls don't show that you've tried, you need to have it on paper in writing.

So you werenn't getting visitation before becuase she'd say no.  So now you have it court ordered.  She can't say no to court ordered.  Your DH needs to show up EACH & EVERY TIME!!!!!  If there is an issue where he can't show up he needs to have a valid(death in family) reason & the papertrail to show it.  That means she is notified in writing(email) or registered mail. 

Then in a year or so go back & file for a change in visitation.  You will have a year of documentation showing that you've kept up visitaton & want to be involved.  Then dh should get more visitation.

What is the exact court ordered visitation schedule?  

It is going to take time & patience.

The child is 2, in 16 years they are not going to magically forgive DH for giving up parental rights.   Unless you live in a really small town you may not even know where that child is to find her.

[Leenikol87]

women and men don't have the same rights to parenting..women get to decide if they want to parents, adoption or abortion but men don't.  but women can make a man pay for that right to be a parent. I would never make a man pay for something he didn't want even a paycheck, i wouldn't make a man ever stay around if he didin't want to be there either. A man can't tell a women to have a child so he can be a parent nor can he tell a women to have an abortion because he dones' t want one.  If seems very upside down bc then the court system tells the man he has to be responsibel for a a decision he couldn't even make and before you get mad  it take two to make a baby meaning a man can wear a condom and there are things for women too.  If both of those don't work it should be both of the parents decision not just one or the other or someone gets the short end of the stick whether it's the child or the mother or the father. 

[kawa kamuri]

Originally Posted by Leenikol87 

women and men don't have the same rights to parenting..women get to decide if they want to parents, adoption or abortion but men don't.  but women can make a man pay for that right to be a parent. I would never make a man pay for something he didn't want even a paycheck, i wouldn't make a man ever stay around if he didin't want to be there either. A man can't tell a women to have a child so he can be a parent nor can he tell a women to have an abortion because he dones' t want one.  If seems very upside down bc then the court system tells the man he has to be responsibel for a a decision he couldn't even make and before you get mad  it take two to make a baby meaning a man can wear a condom and there are things for women too.  If both of those don't work it should be both of the parents decision not just one or the other or someone gets the short end of the stick whether it's the child or the mother or the father. 

where's the vomit emoticon? 

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by Leenikol87 

women and men don't have the same rights to parenting..women get to decide if they want to parents, adoption or abortion but men don't.  but women can make a man pay for that right to be a parent. I would never make a man pay for something he didn't want even a paycheck, i wouldn't make a man ever stay around if he didin't want to be there either. A man can't tell a women to have a child so he can be a parent nor can he tell a women to have an abortion because he dones' t want one.  If seems very upside down bc then the court system tells the man he has to be responsibel for a a decision he couldn't even make and before you get mad  it take two to make a baby meaning a man can wear a condom and there are things for women too.  If both of those don't work it should be both of the parents decision not just one or the other or someone gets the short end of the stick whether it's the child or the mother or the father.

You know, it's true that life isn't fair.  But wanting to just brush off a child b/c its more convenient and less difficult than actually caring, is pretty disgusting, and I wouldn't want to be with that person.

Originally Posted by kawa kamuri 

where's the vomit emoticon? 

just above the ribbons in the smilie box.  (its my sentiment too when I read the above comment.)

[Ldavis24]

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

You know, it's true that life isn't fair.  But wanting to just brush off a child b/c its more convenient and less difficult than actually caring, is pretty disgusting, and I wouldn't want to be with that person.

just above the ribbons in the smilie box.  (its my sentiment too when I read the above comment.)

HA!

I think this whole thread has taken a turn for the ridiculous...

OP you originally equated buying a car for this kid as a way of showing you care when inevitably the kid is wondering why her father just GAVE UP. Or rather couldn't be bothered. that is originally why I questioned if this was even real.It is so far out there.

Your DH knows that there is a really good chance of this kid being abused and he wants to walk away because it is too hard and it's not working the way he wants right now so he wants to just quit because he isn't getting what he wants and isn't willing to even fight for it a little bit.

Your DH needs to grow up. Mine does too but he would never, ever do something like this.

[AttunedMama]

I'd also like to join in using the pukey icon. Here goes:

The smiley thinks about the puking for a little longer than this thread requires, but it will have to suffice.

Once more to really get it all out:

[Ornery]

The fact that a father could walk away from his 2 year old daughter knowing that she is being exposed to a pedophile who preys on young girls is absolutely mindboggling to me.  I would hope that any human being would fight even harder in those circumstances.

The child is not going to thank her father for abandoning her, physically and financially, just because he buys her a car.

And then to say she is forcing him to be responsible for a child when he didn't have a choice after having posted how much he wants to do this so as to not hurt the child?  Wow.

Edited as I was worried that my language could be considered name calling and a violation of the UA.

Edited by Ornery - 3/5/11 at 6:09pm

[Momsteader]

Not to mention that child support and visitation are completely separate issues. You aren't paying a fee to see the child.....you're paying to support the child.

[AttunedMama]

Originally Posted by CrunchyClark 

Not to mention that child support and visitation are completely separate issues. You aren't paying a fee to see the child.....you're paying to support the child.

Exactly. If the child is alive, it is because someone is feeding it food...providing it with heat/shelter/clothing. Possibly medical care?

Those things are not magical. Ridiculous, absent parents love to imagine that that child somehow sustains itself, but! However lame, inadequate, emotionally damaged is the custodial parent, they are keeping the child alive with resources. Child support is to SUPPORT that effort. To keep the child alive, dare I imagine, thriving?

I've already use the pukey icon two times, but it could be called upon again.