Trying to speak out when something bothers me

[rush2ady]

This is tough for me.  Maybe because I grew up in a home where I wasn't allowed to speak my mind if it was anything which might be disagreeable.  In our family it was more important to be a people pleaser than to be authentic (at least for me as the girl, the boys were allowed more openness in expression).

I'm getting tons of practice confronting disturbing stuff living with MIL, but I feel like a total failure in expressing things in an appropriate way.  Verbal expression has never been my forte, and when it's speaking about something which I know the other person won't like to hear, it's incredibly difficult and tongue tying for me.

In the past I have taken the seemingly easier route of keeping quiet and just enduring whatever unpleasant thing was going on.  However, I can see this is not healthy for me to bottle things up and pretend things are ok when they are not.  But when I do speak up about something difficult, I do such a botched job of it, that maybe I should've just kept quiet after all!!

Does anyone else have this issue?  And to you openly direct talkative gals, how in the world do you have the courage to speak so boldly when something/someone bothers you?  Especially if it's someone you are not on the best terms with? And how do you do it without totally offending the other person and making things worse?

So to give an example of my pathetic confrontation skills, here's my conversation with MIL this morning:

Background info:  My MIL has been living with us 7 months now.  Literally every single thing she does to help here has ONLY been after I finally told her to do it (after much inner turmoil on my part).  Including washing her own laundry, wiping up the stove from splattered food after she's used it, dusting off the inch of dust from the TV which only she watches, keeping her room clean in general.  You get the idea.  And she will do that exact thing which I tell her, and absolutely no more.  At the current stage of our relationship, it's difficult for me even to speak civilly with her.

This morning:  me thinking...the microwave is disgusting.  She uses it 4 times a day, I use it twice a month, why am I the only one cleaning it?  Does she not see the mess? Does she see and not care? Does she expect me to always clean up after her?

Me to her out loud:  "The microwave is really messy.  Um.  Could you clean it?"

her: big sour face

me: "uh, actually, you use it several times a day and I almost never use it.  Why am I the one to clean it all the time?  Is it because you are the MIL and I am the DIL, so you feel I should clean up after you?"

her: "no it's not like that.  I did clean it."

me: {ok here is where I started losing my patience} "like 2 months ago?  Coz it's very messy now.  Could you please keep it clean?"

her: sour face

me: {feeling really frustrated} "I don't understand why you don't clean up after yourself..."

her: "I dust the tv every week."

me: {still annoyed!} "Finally!" {reminding myself to be calmer and express gratitude for the little she does actually do} "thank you for doing that."

me: gives up in frustration and walks away.

her: few minutes of wiping up the microwave.

Help??  Please?? How do I deal with issues in a more civil/kinder/less frustrating way???

[woodchick]

This sounds like more of an expectations issue than a communications issue.

I think your first step would be for you, DH and MIL to get together and lay down some ground rules, so to speak. Assuming that you didn't 7 mos ago.  I'd probably talk with DH beforehand and then let him lead the discussion with his mother.  Things like; who cleans what, what level of clean is acceptable, who is responsible for what parts of the house...

The conversation you posted sounds like a conversation between a parent and child, not two adults.  Perhaps if the expectations of both parties were more clear you would be able to avoid these conflicts?

[Katwoman]

It's very hard when a person first starts to speak up.  It's not any different than first learning to speak.  You're going to make mistakes and missteps.  It's just harder when you're an adult because everyone expects you to already know everything.  Second of all, just because you decide bottling things up isn't healthy doesn't mean your inner desire for no conflict automatically goes away.  So while you're speaking up, you're still doing it in such a way as to not offend the other person.  But in the case of your MIL it appears your communication is different enough from hers.  That your speaking up - to a certain extent, and her not getting it, is causing more frustration.

Another trap that easy to fall into is - very subconciously - thinking all people think or approach a problem like we do.  So when you mention the microwave being dirty for all we know she thought you were just mentioning it in passing.  Meanwhile, when she didn't seem to engage in what you were kind of saying drove your frustration level up. 

I'm not making light of this situation, I had a heck of a time learning to speak up.  Sometimes I still struggle with not wanting to offend the other person.  But, like everything else, practice makes permanent.  The more you speak up the easier it will become.

For some practical advice, I would suggest a conversation more like this:

You:  (looking at the microwave)  It's amazing how dirty this thing can get.

MIL:  um, huh

You:  I'm thinking there should be a new rule for all the adults in the house.  After every use the microwave needs to be wiped out so it doesn't get built up like that.  Do you see a problem with implementing that?

Yes, it's easier said than done and I've had more than one conversation where I wished it had gone differently.  But once you find your active voice it will get easier.  (By active I mean standing up for yourself without offending the other person, at the same time your not dancing around the issue so you don't offend them either.)

Does that make any sense?

I really like the previous posters idea of sitting down and setting up some ground rules so everyone is on the same page.  Honestly, I would have never seen the dust on the tv.  But at the same time my room would never be a mess either.  Just different ideas of what people think are clean.  That's pretty easy to clear up.

I find myself getting the most frustrated when people aren't "reading my mind".  But normally it's all about subconciously thinking everyone approaches things exactly the way we do. 

[syn_ack89]

Originally Posted by woodchick 

This sounds like more of an expectations issue than a communications issue.

I think your first step would be for you, DH and MIL to get together and lay down some ground rules, so to speak. Assuming that you didn't 7 mos ago.  I'd probably talk with DH beforehand and then let him lead the discussion with his mother.  Things like; who cleans what, what level of clean is acceptable, who is responsible for what parts of the house...

The conversation you posted sounds like a conversation between a parent and child, not two adults.  Perhaps if the expectations of both parties were more clear you would be able to avoid these conflicts?

As someone whose MIL lived with her for almost 3yrs, the above is BEYOND important. If need be, a cleaning rotation could be posted. My MIL had cognitive issues related to a stroke and needed a checklist. Good luck!

[rush2ady]

Thanks for the helpful ideas.  And Katwomen, your conversation suggestion is exactly the sort of thing I need.  I tend to say things in the manner they come into my head, rather seeing ways I could say the same thing in a less "attacking" way.  I have decided to do as you all suggest, and sit down with DH about this.  My frustration and misery level is to the point where I am tempted to just walk out of my marriage, I cannot see myself living like this any longer.  It doesn't help that DH travels a lot, leaving me at home alone with her. (I work from home).

Part of the problem is I have not had the guts before speak up to DH about the distress I've been feeling (he knows it a little, but not the depth).  All sorts of emotions, like, "it's his mother, he won't like to hear of my unhappiness with her" or "she'll never change, why create a scene?" or "she's a grown woman, I should just let her do her own damned thing and mind my own business" and so forth.  I'm finally realizing that my discomfort is valid enough and I have to speak up about it, and I don't like the home environment her habits are creating.

Since my writing skills are better than my verbal, I wrote some main points I need to convey to him, and my expectations, suggestions, and hopes on how things can be improved.  It helps me a lot to write them out first...seeing the words on paper lets me imagine them being spoken and how my words might be interpreted, and how I might say them more effectively. 

I'll let you know after the weekend how the conversation went!

thanks again everyone.

[Katwoman]

Originally Posted by rush2ady 

All sorts of emotions, like, "it's his mother, he won't like to hear of my unhappiness with her" or "she'll never change, why create a scene?" or "she's a grown woman, I should just let her do her own damned thing and mind my own business" and so forth.  I'm finally realizing that my discomfort is valid enough and I have to speak up about it, and I don't like the home environment her habits are creating.

It's harder now that she's been around for a while to keep emotions out of the conversation.  But, perhaps it would be easier to look at her as a roommate rather than his mother.  Would you automatically think a roommate was being disrespectful if they didn't clean the microwave?  Or would you think they just didn't look at it the same way as you and talk to them about it?  Would it bother you to ask a roommate to do x, y, and z?  If not, then it should be no different than with your MIL.  (I know how easy it is to say something like this as opposed to actually doing it.  But I've truly been where you are and it's hard to make changes.  But so worth it.)

The reality is, when two or more people live together there is going to have to be compromise.  Perhaps you're going to have to let the state of her personal room go - as long as there is no food or dirty dishes to attract bugs.  But common areas need common rules. 

I'm glad your going to talk to your DH about this.  You're frustration level is no good to anyone and it's getting in the way of your end goal, good communication.  Not to mention how hard it would be on your DH to have you walk out because he had no idea how bad it had gotten for you.  Good luck this weekend!  I hope it goes well!

[rush2ady]

haha, no, not disrespectful...she just has awful cleanliness standards.  I'm not even that organized myself, but compared to her I'm a total OCD!  In terms of disrespectful stuff, she has done her share, however.  Like talking bad about me to one of our dinner guests a few days back (I overheard her and the other gal when they were off by themselves in the kitchen).  I did speak up after our guests left, but I didn't handle it well (got all tongue tied).  Fortunately, DH's ire got up (it was the wife of his coworker MIL was gossiping to) and he gave her a whole 30 min. lecture!  He has no problem whatsoever speaking his mind!

As for roommates, it's not only MIL I have issues speaking up to, it's pretty much everyone. 

I'll look at things I'm willing to compromise on with MIL too.  There are things more important that are a must, but other things I can let slide if the more important stuff is resolved.  Thanks for the encouragement. 

Originally Posted by Katwoman 


 Would you automatically think a roommate was being disrespectful if they didn't clean the microwave?  Or would you think they just didn't look at it the same way as you and talk to them about it?  Would it bother you to ask a roommate to do x, y, and z? 

Edited by rush2ady - 5/2/11 at 2:24pm

[rainbow_mandala]

I've also had difficulties with standing my ground when it comes to making my opinion known.  It sounds like we were raised in very similar environments.  It can be really difficult not to take personal offense to what other people say and do, especially if what they are doing is directly negatively impacting your life.  It does take practice and I've found what helps is stepping back and seeing that even if what they are doing feels hurtful for whatever reason, they simply have different ways of doing things.  This helps ease the frustration and makes it easier to communicate what you want and need without creating a huge argument or endlessly butting heads.  Your MIL sounds like she really doesn't care about housework, but since she's in your house she needs to be aware of the way things are done.  If she can't handle simple cleaning up after herself then you need to stand your ground about this.  If she still won't do it or makes a big deal out of it or you need to constantly be behind her telling her what to do then you either leave or have her leave.  That's my opinion, though, because I feel that every adult in a household needs to be responsible for their own messes.  If they're not then it makes it very difficult for other people to live there and there's no reason why you should have to deal with that.  I understand not wanting to hurt people's feelings, but you have feelings, too, and those are just as valid.  The more you do this, the easier it becomes. 

[Ramzubo]

I think it not just about speaking your mind, it's also weird to confront your DH's family. I have no problem speaking up and my family is known for their "openness" but I do not think it is my responsibility to confront my in-laws for their bad behavior. Maybe I'll say something small, but I don't really get into more serious problems. I told DH I'll take care of my family and you take care of yours. I do not think his family would respond well to a direct confrontation by me. My DH sounds like he was raised like you and always did as he was told and was reluctant to say something to his parents/sister. It was really important to me that he stand up for me and respect the boundaries we had set down for both sets of parents. This was really difficult for him at first, but he's much better now and his family has responded a tiny bit, but I'm ok with that because now me and DH work as a team.

I think talking to him would be best. I used to tell DH what was bothering me and explain how I felt. Many times he couldn't even see it because he was so used to his family, but after thinking about it he could understand my view. I used to write things down too so that I could be sure that my point was going to be clear.

I'm a big fan of sticking up for yourself, but since I already have a rocky relationship with the in-laws a direct confrontation could get way out of hand. I try to be a civil as possible so maybe if you do confront her you can plan ahead what you are going to say and make sure you use a lot of: "I could use more help with...." instead of "You need to do X"

Good Luck (P.S. it sounds like SIL might have some insecurities of her own otherwise she wouldn't need to insult you or your chapatis!)

[rush2ady]

I would so love to come together as a family and help resolve some of these things with them. 

Thanks for the encouragement, and in my practicing speaking up, I'll keep in mind to not go too far the other way and interfere with people/situations I shouldn't!  i think there's a delicate line I'll have to be careful not to cross.

Originally Posted by Ramzubo 

I think it not just about speaking your mind, it's also weird to confront your DH's family. I have no problem speaking up and my family is known for their "openness" but I do not think it is my responsibility to confront my in-laws for their bad behavior. Maybe I'll say something small, but I don't really get into more serious problems. I told DH I'll take care of my family and you take care of yours. I do not think his family would respond well to a direct confrontation by me. My DH sounds like he was raised like you and always did as he was told and was reluctant to say something to his parents/sister. It was really important to me that he stand up for me and respect the boundaries we had set down for both sets of parents. This was really difficult for him at first, but he's much better now and his family has responded a tiny bit, but I'm ok with that because now me and DH work as a team.

I think talking to him would be best. I used to tell DH what was bothering me and explain how I felt. Many times he couldn't even see it because he was so used to his family, but after thinking about it he could understand my view. I used to write things down too so that I could be sure that my point was going to be clear.

I'm a big fan of sticking up for yourself, but since I already have a rocky relationship with the in-laws a direct confrontation could get way out of hand. I try to be a civil as possible so maybe if you do confront her you can plan ahead what you are going to say and make sure you use a lot of: "I could use more help with...." instead of "You need to do X"

Good Luck (P.S. it sounds like SIL might have some insecurities of her own otherwise she wouldn't need to insult you or your chapatis!)

Edited by rush2ady - 5/2/11 at 2:22pm

[Katwoman]

Just make sure you give yourself some slack on this.  It's fairly normal to cross that line in the beginning of learning to stand up for yourself.  Otherwise, how will you truly know where the line is?  Or how to "not cross the line" without some real practice?  You wouldn't expect a baby to walk without falling over, would you?  (You could also practice with non family members.  ;) )

Another thing I learned about myself - could or could not apply to you - because I was so worried about other people, I never clearly defined who I was or what I was willing to put up with/not put up with.  So I'd be in a situation - like the SIL/chapatis incident - and I would be more angry about it than I thought was reasonable.  So then I wouldn't say anything because I was being "unreasonable".  I realized I was more angry because SIL was being rude and insulting.  But because I wasn't willing to say that, or even define for myself that I thought that was rude and insulting.  The situation would get out of control.  (There was also a little bit of "why would she do that? everyone knows that's rude" going on.  Well, no, everyone does not know it's rude.  Unfortunately!)  My frustration level and articulate level has gone up since I've defined in my mind what I'm willing to put up with and what I'm not.  Just a thought I had ....... 
 

Originally Posted by rush2ady  

i think there's a delicate line I'll have to be careful not to cross.

[rush2ady]

*

Edited by rush2ady - 5/2/11 at 2:20pm