Visitation with BioMom

[pomplemoose]

I Dont usually post here but I thought you guys could give some better advice. DF has been seperated since 07 and the divorce was finalized in june 08. He has had full custody of the children since march 07 and was granted sole custody in the divorce. Their parenting plan signed october 08 says that for 6mths the mother will get visitation every other saturday as mutually agreed. It also states that the children are allowed phone access to her at reasonable times. She has never consistantly shown up or called. going 6+ months at a time without even seeing them. The parenting plan was supposed to get revised after the 6 months(april 09) but she was on drugs and we didnt know how to contact her, and it has never been professionally redone. Since it says its only valid for 6mths after the signed date do we still have to follow it? will a judge say its status quo to follow it.

she has never paid her child support and we have documentation of all the missed visits. My DF hasn't answered the phone the past few times shes called because he works and goes to school full time and wasnt with the kids. I told him he should probably call her back, but now she is sending him threatening messages about going to court and how she should get overnight visits with the kids. Do you think we need to find a lawyer and try to get this straightened out in our favor. Do we have to keep going with her spuratic visits and phone calls? I think that since we have let her see them since the order was outdated that a judge would say we were continuing the agreement. And what are the realistic expectations when a parenting agreement says "as mutually agreed" if my DF doesnt agree that she should see the kids does that mean he's not in violation?

Thanks for baring with me legal aid in our area is non existant for this kind of case and we really dont have the money to hire an attorney.

[singin'intherain]

You may want to take her to court to get this resolved. As long as it's up in the air, with no particular legal requirements, she has the right to do whatever she wants with her kids. When your dp shows up at court with documentation of her missed visits, she is not going to look too good. Do you have proof of some kind that she was/is an addict, and currently using? Maybe you can request a schedule of supervised visits until she successfully undergoes treatment. That way, you can't get caught in this time issue again, where the current order expires without a new one going into effect.

I'm in a similar situation, only my stepkids' mom isn't on drugs, she's just.... I don't know! She rarely shows up or calls, and she's hurt the kids so badly. She has never paid child support. It's very very hard to see how the kids are dealing with abandonment.

[pomplemoose]

Were working on getting a consultation with a lawyer through a modest means program in our area (keeping my fingers crossed it works out) In the mean time she has become quite harrassing calling DF several times in a row leaving rude messages/texts. So he has stopped responding to her for now and is keeping documentation of her messages. At this point its very concerning that she may not bring the kids back if she did make it to visit since she is so angry at DP. I hope this lawyer thing works out quickly. Its nerve wracking to not know what our rights are and what hers are. She cant do what ever she wants because the actual divorce decree states that my DP has sole custody. The attached parenting plan states the timeframe and visitation schedue.

[singin'intherain]

You should try to facilitate visits until this is all sorted out. The best thing would be to keep offering the already-agreed-upon schedule of every other Saturday. It's always best to show your willingness to accommodate the relationship, so I would offer an alternate day if saturdays don't work, and maybe offer to have her visit once a week. Even if the parenting plan doesn't say the visits are supervised, maybe you should insist they take place at your house, or supervised in a public place. I'm not sure how that would look in court, but if you are worried she'll run with the kids... Plus, if they're little, and she hasn't been showing up, having the visits take place at their house makes sense. Whatever you do, don't ignore her phone calls and texts. You don't have to communicate with her twenty times a day, but don't ignore her. It's understandable, regardless of her past behavior, for her to get panicky if you stonewall her. And that is a really good way to give her a leg to stand on in court. Judges do NOT like it when one parent "keeps" the kids from the other.

[pomplemoose]

She chooses not to show up for visits. In the past three years the most visits in a row were 3. That is she visited every other saturday 3 times. She is the one that has voluntarily not exercised her parenting time and now she is acting as if DP is the one causing the issue. She sent a letter to the kids, which we just received. It says things like "your dad wont let me talk to you" " your dad doesnt want me to see you" and is mixed in with how she loves them and wants to take them up to her house. The agreement says she cant say anything negative about the other parent, and once again she is going on about how she wants to take them out of the area in which shes supposed to have her visits. She should call tomorrow, DP says he will answer, hand the phone directly to the kids and hang up without talking to her, we have an appt with a lawyer and he doesnt want to talk to her until he has talked to the lawyer. If she decides she will actually come down for a visit it will be a couple hours in a public place with DP present as her constant pressing for taking them over night has us really concerned about what she would do with them. it always feels as though just as she has dropped off the radar again she pops right back up.

Thanks for your advice!