Do parental motives play a role in whether homeschooling is the best option or not?

[Dandelionkid]

I have been learning that a lot of the reasons I want to homeschool are not as pure as they might have seemed at one time. I chose to homeschool based mostly on the thought that I wanted my kids to be free to be who they were born to be, without the social pressures that formed so much of my dysfunction as an adult.

However I realized lately that this has its own dysfunction. My kids are not me. They are themselves and will have/react to experiences completely differently from me. Should my decision to homeschool really be based on the fear that they will find themselves in the same boxes I was in?

Another "unclean" motivation. I don't like authority and absolutes. I enjoy going against mainstream education simply because I have a contrary nature. I want to show all those who doubt me now how well my kids are going to turn out because I have homeschooled. This is not about what is best for my kids but about my own perspective on the world.

I toured a Montessori today. It was nothing like school was for me growing up. It is kids of all ages engaged in work that is meaningful to them. Still more structure than I like but my dd7 may attend in the fall.This brings up one last motivation for homeschooling that I never realized before. I don't want her to go because I will miss her! I want her to be home with me. Once again, my need, not hers.

One of the other big motivations to homeschooling that remains pure is my heartfelt desire that my kids would love learning for the sake of learning. I think this could be accomplished in the Montessori that we visited today. It had so many interesting activities to be involved in that my dd's face just lit up. 

What do you think? Is good homeschooling based on good motives?

[dbsam]

I have no answers but want to subscribe to this thread...I could have written your post!

I am also questioning my motives to pull my children out of a good charter school to possibly go back to Montessori or home school.

[lmonter]

Originally Posted by Dandelionkid 

One of the other big motivations to homeschooling that remains pure is my heartfelt desire that my kids would love learning for the sake of learning. I think this could be accomplished in the Montessori that we visited today. It had so many interesting activities to be involved in that my dd's face just lit up. 

What do you think? Is good homeschooling based on good motives?

Then it sounds like you found a very neat, viable option for you and your family.  If your child wants to go.  If your force your child to homeschool against their will (or go to public school or a Montessori school, whatever), that's not so nice.

I tell people I reserve the right to change my mind if I want to or as we re-visit options.  Right now I'm partly struggling with my 4yo and preschool - odds are he'd love it, even though his 7yo brother wouldn't have done so well.  Although we also have to throw the financial thing in there - if it's going to put our family finances in jeopardy, likely it won't happen.  Sometimes I'd love nothing more than to put the kids on a bus or drop them off every day or every other day when I'm at the end of my rope and it's been one of those days.  Then I have to step back and remind myself that it's not always about me, but them (hence my struggle with preschool!).  That at this moment in time, homeschooling is what's right for them and our family unit.  :)

[AAK]

Yes, I think parental motives play a part.  While it could be a negative influence, I think it can also be positive.  I also think it could be a factor without being good or bad--just a simple part of the reasons to hs.  

I have also been thinking about this idea--though you really put it into words better than I would have.  For me, while I have many "child based" reasons for hs my girls, part of me realized (actually, after I pulled them out) how much I dislike dealing with the public school.  I think that my negative attitude towards our local school affected my kids too.  I didn't try to be negative.  In fact, I tried very hard to be positive, to be involved, and to discuss my frustrations in private with dh rather than in front of the kids.  But, they knew.  Now, I struggle because my third is supposed to start kindergarten next fall.  I am to register her tomorrow.  I am doing that.  For the half day program.  I have a slug of reasons.  But, part of me just cringes at the very thought.  I don't expect her to stay at the school for long.  I think she will hs too eventually.  But, for next year (in my most objective look at the needs of all the family members, etc) I think she will be better served in the half day kindergarten program.  I really hope I like the teacher because it really makes a world of difference.  

So, I think it is good to look at the reasons you have to homeschool.  Hs affects the whole family, not just the child.  Therefore, non-child reasons are still valid reasons.  You need to find balance somehow.  FWIW--montessori, which I thought would be 'heaven' for my second child was the opposite.  She only lasted three days although our tour and trial morning went very well.  Remember that no decision has to be "forever".  Try the montessori if you think it would be a good fit for your dd and you.  If it doesn't work out, you can hs later.  (Or do hs first, montessori if it doesn't work out well).  

Good job recognizing that some reasons are "for you".  

Amy 

[ilovemygirl]

I also could have written your post word for word.

The idea of my dd "leaving" me for school literally makes me cry and makes my heart hurt. I know she has to grow and become her own person and I want her to be happy but it does leave me kind of sad to think of being without her :(

I went through New York City public schools in the 80's. It was horrible and I mean beyond imagination horrible both academically and socially. It is highly unlikely my dd would have to deal with any of the kinds of things I had to when I was a kid but I can't help but project that experience onto her. It is certainly the biggest factor for me wanting to hs, especially the social and emotional aspects of it. I feel we are more than capable of "filling in" anything the public schools leave out academically but once a child has been hurt emotionally by bullies and/or other things that really can't be undone and the thought of my child going through that is just so unbearable for me BUT then I realize she is not me and even if she is faced with these things she could handle them totally different.

IDK, it's such a hard choice. 

I do have to say that if money was no object whatsoever and I could afford a private school that I felt was in line with my philosophies, was safe and dd wanted to go I would certainly do it. Unfortunately, we are in a position that even if dd wanted to go (which right now she REALLY doesn't) there is no way I could afford that.

Personally, I think in the end, everyone bases all of their parenting choices on their experiences and philosophies and the fact that you think about what is best means you love your child and are doing the best you can. 

[ilovemygirl]

Originally Posted by AAK 

Hs affects the whole family, not just the child.  Therefore, non-child reasons are still valid reasons.  You need to find balance somehow

Thank you for pointing this out. I think it's very important to realize that even if a child will do well in a particular situation (either home or school), if it makes some or all of the other family members miserable it might not be the best choice as the negativity will probably outweigh any benefit the child is getting in that situation. 

[seashells]

My thought on this is that your range of motives is no less pure than the motives to send a kid to public school.

I admire examining choices and motives, so I am not at all dismissing your question. But I do want to point out that your question shows a fundamental bias against homeschooling that is (in my opinion) not valid. I do not believe your motives to homeschool need to be "purer" than another parent's motives to send a kid to public school. Some of those motives might be: because they never thought about the alternatives, because they don't want their kid to be "weird," because they had fun with their friends in school when they were kids themselves. Of course there are plenty of other motives, and very pure ones, to send a child to school, but do you think most parents really have purer motives than you do? I don't think so.

[Dandelionkid]

Originally Posted by seashells 

My thought on this is that your range of motives is no less pure than the motives to send a kid to public school.

I admire examining choices and motives, so I am not at all dismissing your question. But I do want to point out that your question shows a fundamental bias against homeschooling that is (in my opinion) not valid. I do not believe your motives to homeschool need to be "purer" than another parent's motives to send a kid to public school. Some of those motives might be: because they never thought about the alternatives, because they don't want their kid to be "weird," because they had fun with their friends in school when they were kids themselves. Of course there are plenty of other motives, and very pure ones, to send a child to school, but do you think most parents really have purer motives than you do? I don't think so.

That's a very good point but I still think that in schooling or homeschooling the best foundation for decision-making is the one that takes into account my kids needs more than my own. Especially because I have realized I have some co-dependency traits in my parenting. I don't want to be keeping my kids back from certain experiences because of my own insecurities or needs.

You are right in saying that motives for putting her in school may not be more pure. One of my main motives for schooling is to get rid of this fluctuating anxiety that I am doing it all wrong at home (not logical- she is doing great) but in the fall we will have our 4th baby and be living in my parents basement while our house is being built, away from her current neighborhood friends. Not a good environment for giving her enriching or just engaging experiences.  Also may not be so much about her needs but about not feeling that anxiety anymore (although knowing me it would be replaced with schooling anxiety).

Also I have to confess that as much as I like going against the mainstream, I don't want my child to be the "weird" homeschooler as a teenager or adult.  I realize there is very little basis to this fear and that it is really a non-issue but it is still there in some small way. 

Probably the most pure/dominant motive for schooling her at the Montessori next year would be that it seems like an ideal environment to expand her world in a positive way.

Regardless of what we decide, our 4 yr old is definitely not going to kindergarten this year - not emotionally ready and I have told my dd7 that school is not forever. If it doesn't work out, she can come back home. We may change our minds by then also. 

Thanks for all the thoughts! I will have more time to respond later.

[Lisa1970]

You can look at this on the other side. Do people send their children to public school for pure and good reasons? Most people I know want their children to be popular, in sports, and most of them simply want someone else to take care of the kids all day and worry about their educations. Thing they don't realize is the public school is not worried about their educations or upbringing, they are worried about people warming their seats and passing tests that really have little to do with their ability to do well in life in the future. Most people I know...they look forward to school days so they can relax, so they don't have to pay for childcare, so they don't have to deal with their children, etc etc etc. I have heard endless parents saying they should not have to teach their children anything, the schools should. Many parents who have no clue what their children are going through all day too. I see some parents who love the socializing with the other parents at school more than seeing what their children are doing when they are at the school. 

So, your experiences with school growing up where not all fairy tales and you want your children to have better than you had. If you grew up with alcoholic parents and chose not to drink ever to avoid risking putting your children through what you went through...are you just avoiding your dysfunctional life, or are you simply trying to do better by your children? 

Homeschooling is just a different path. Why do we have to have a motive or spend tons of time analyzing our every move? I can tell you, people who put their children in public school do not usually spend tons of time thinking about why they are doing it and how selfish it is of them or dysfunctional or whatever else.

I hope this helps.

[Lisa1970]

I gave school a try in recent years. It was awful. I also used to be a teacher and my sister is still a teacher (but next year, will be the school counselor) and I have other friends who are teachers. I can honestly say, the school environment is really very dysfunctional. It was very hard to stomach it once I started to watch closer. The younger children have been home since last school year ended. I have seen so many positive changes in them. 

I want you to ask yourself what a weird teenager is. I mean....the term itself is quite the oxymoron.  Will your child not be weird if they mouth off at you and then be all secretive and make text messages in the middle of the night? And maybe even be having sex by 15? Just ask yourself what would make a teen not weird. You might find that as you think about it...well...it might be preferable to have a "weird" teen. And being off in public school does not keep someone from being weird. What if, despite being in public school, your child ends up being really good at science and math and enjoys doing those things and maybe even joins the science club at school? Your child will still be weird then. But, then again, how bad is being "weird?"

I hope I am helping.
 

Originally Posted by Dandelionkid 

That's a very good point but I still think that in schooling or homeschooling the best foundation for decision-making is the one that takes into account my kids needs more than my own. Especially because I have realized I have some co-dependency traits in my parenting. I don't want to be keeping my kids back from certain experiences because of my own insecurities or needs.

You are right in saying that motives for putting her in school may not be more pure. One of my main motives for schooling is to get rid of this fluctuating anxiety that I am doing it all wrong at home (not logical- she is doing great) but in the fall we will have our 4th baby and be living in my parents basement while our house is being built, away from her current neighborhood friends. Not a good environment for giving her enriching or just engaging experiences.  Also may not be so much about her needs but about not feeling that anxiety anymore (although knowing me it would be replaced with schooling anxiety).

Also I have to confess that as much as I like going against the mainstream, I don't want my child to be the "weird" homeschooler as a teenager or adult.  I realize there is very little basis to this fear and that it is really a non-issue but it is still there in some small way. 

Probably the most pure/dominant motive for schooling her at the Montessori next year would be that it seems like an ideal environment to expand her world in a positive way.

Regardless of what we decide, our 4 yr old is definitely not going to kindergarten this year - not emotionally ready and I have told my dd7 that school is not forever. If it doesn't work out, she can come back home. We may change our minds by then also. 

Thanks for all the thoughts! I will have more time to respond later.

[Lisa1970]

I went to really good public schools. But then, here, where I am, I feel the public schools are awful compared to what I had. I want my children to have something better. They home school now for that reason. So, it is similar to your reason, but in reverse. If my children could get at school what I got, I would send them. But that is just not how it is anymore.
 

Originally Posted by ilovemygirl 

I also could have written your post word for word.

The idea of my dd "leaving" me for school literally makes me cry and makes my heart hurt. I know she has to grow and become her own person and I want her to be happy but it does leave me kind of sad to think of being without her :(

I went through New York City public schools in the 80's. It was horrible and I mean beyond imagination horrible both academically and socially. It is highly unlikely my dd would have to deal with any of the kinds of things I had to when I was a kid but I can't help but project that experience onto her. It is certainly the biggest factor for me wanting to hs, especially the social and emotional aspects of it. I feel we are more than capable of "filling in" anything the public schools leave out academically but once a child has been hurt emotionally by bullies and/or other things that really can't be undone and the thought of my child going through that is just so unbearable for me BUT then I realize she is not me and even if she is faced with these things she could handle them totally different.

IDK, it's such a hard choice. 

I do have to say that if money was no object whatsoever and I could afford a private school that I felt was in line with my philosophies, was safe and dd wanted to go I would certainly do it. Unfortunately, we are in a position that even if dd wanted to go (which right now she REALLY doesn't) there is no way I could afford that.

Personally, I think in the end, everyone bases all of their parenting choices on their experiences and philosophies and the fact that you think about what is best means you love your child and are doing the best you can. 

[SpiderMum]

WHY do you feel the need to justify homeschooling though? If someone homeschools simply because they think it's cool....how is that bad? It's just another educational choice. You don't have to have "pure" reasons for doing so. I'm unschooling because I was homeschooled and that's what I know. Why not? I don't think I need to justify it.

[SundayCrepes]

I think it's good to look at your contrariness as a motivation to homeschool. I remember when I was in college I loved mid-calf length dresses. They made me feel so mother-earthish. Then they came into style. I told someone, "Now that they're in style, I guess I'll have to stop wearing them." He asked why. "If you like them, you like them. Don't worry about what other people think." He was so right. So decide if you like homeschool or not and go with that. If you want to be contrary, be contrary against being contrary.

We had to send our son to preschool for 2.5 months due to family reasons. We bought him a book called, "Teacher," to help him adjust.  A class of four children (yeah, right, what school has a 4:1 ratio?) do all kinds of great things with this teacher. Whenever I have looked at the book, I have thought,"But that's MY job." I want to do all those things with my kids. That's why I had kids, to do things with them. And my kids want to do those things with me. (It was a great preschool but my son wanted to be with me, not at the school, so we were all glad when we were able to withdraw him.)

We have so many reasons to homeschool---avoiding bullies, drugs, bad teachers, having our children labelled. We want them to have a superior education and to love learning. We want them socialized with adults around. Schools are such false societies. Where in nature do primates sort their young by age? Even in multiple age settings, the primary role model your child will have will be a bunch of kids. How mature will their role models be? I want my kids to follow the example of someone who has attained a level of maturity. We were at homeschool park day and two siblings started physically fighting. Their mother stepped right in. If they'd been in school, there would not have been more than one or two adults to a whole playground. Those kids would not have received the guidance they needed. How does the lack of adequate adult supervision benefit any kid? 

I want my kids to have better than I did when I was little. Every parent wants that for their kids. Don't poopoo that by saying they're different people with different reactions. A toxic environment is a toxic environment. Sure, some kids do better and some kids do worse, but why should any kid be exposed to toxic (or even not so good?) And maybe this Montessori school isn't toxic. But don't go against your gut if you think there is something wrong just because your kid is not you. It is your job to protect your child. If you see bad, protect your kid, don't rationalize that your kid is not you.

A big part of why I want to homeschool my kids is I want a close, positive relationship with them and they want that with me. I wish my parents had done a lot of things differently so we could be close. They didn't and now I don't want to be any closer than arm's distance and I think that's a shame. I wonder what it would have been like to grow up in an environment where we could have been close. Sending kids to school really separates kids and parents. I don't want to be a helicopter parent, but I want my kids to WANT to spend time with me. I've often heard the saying, "Parents should not be their child's friend." Why not? Sure, we need to provide guidance and boundaries, but why can't we be friends too?

Regarding "weird" homeschooled kids. Many years ago (before I realized we would 1. have kids and 2. homeschool them) we were at a B&B in Holland. There was an American homeschooled kid staying there with his parents. There was something "wrong" with him. It took me awhile to figure it out. Then I did. He was "too" mature. He was polite, self-possessed, well-behaved. Please, let my kids be so "weird." I have often been considered "weird." I co-sleep with my kids. We don't eat meat. Years ago, before the environment became a national past-time, I used to take cloth bags into stores and clerks would refuse to use them and they'd give me dirty looks for being so bizarre. I never wore make-up. I haven't watched TV since I turned 18. I used to wear mid-calf dresses when they weren't in style. Shall I go on about how weird I am? The thing is, I LIKE who I am. I don't consider myself weird. I am much more concerned that my kids feel comfortable in their bodies and their personalities and beliefs than I am about how society labels them. Weird means different. Do you really want your kids marching to someone else's beat? Sure, if they like that beat. But not because they are afraid to be different. Teach them to be who they want to be and revel in their choices. Maybe they won't want to be weird and they won't be. They will figure out how to be just like everyone else. Maybe they won't care how other people judge them and they will follow their dreams and people will call them weird.

Regarding your temporary situation. I understand that. That is why we put our son in preschool. Our situation was he was attacking our baby. A counselor suggested maybe he just needed other  playmates. For our daughter's safety we tried preschool because it was a fast way to get him around other kids (my attempts at finding playmates had not worked out so well.) It gave me a breath of fresh air that for 3 hours 4 days a week I did not have to worry about him hurting my little one. Then things fell into place and he stopped hurting her so we immediately pulled him out of the school. Sometimes we have to make the lessor of two bad choices.

However, we also have to be careful that the "bad" choice we are making really is the lessor of the two. My brother moved to another state for a year. Their homeschooling laws weren't so easy so they put the kids into school. That was the year my nephew was taught to hate reading by a horrid teacher. It would have been a lot more work for them to homeschool, but look at the long-term damage that would have been prevented.

My suggestion is to write a list. Make two columns. In one put all the reasons for homeschooling and in the other put all the reasons for doing school. Then compare them. Then toss a coin. Heads she goes to school, tails she stays home. Don't go by that to make your decision, only do it to see your reaction. Do you feel relief at the coin toss or horror?

[mattemma04]

I have done a variety of schooling options with my own kids.Each one has had their pros and cons. If it were all up to me I would want to homeschool even though it had its issues. My kids have chosen Montessori for the time being. That school setting has its pros and cons too,and there are days when the kids complain a lot. I just remind my kids that they chose to go there,and if they want to try something else they are free to do so.

Many kids do not have the option of choosing how/where they will be taught,and I am hoping that it is a good thing to allow.

As parents we do the best we can.If my kids were miserable in ANY school setting I would want to make a change for them.Dh on the other hand is a firm believer in :Go to public school and who cares if you hate it.

[Wild Iris]

Yes, parental motives do play a role in whether homeschooling is the best option.

Consider yourself blessed that you can send your child to a Montessori school and you feel it would be the best option; however, not all of us are blessed with such a choice. If I could afford and lived near a stellar private school or a public school of excellent standard, I would put my kids in that school in a heartbeat. This is not the case for me. I have had kids in both public school classrooms and public charter schools with an independent study program. I believe in public education, but I feel as though I threw away two of my children by putting them in the classroom. My experience with public school, as a parent, has been nothing but disappointment, frustration, and heartache. I am motivated to give my two youngest children better opportunities than my two older children received in the hands of public school classrooms.

Interestingly, my daughter in 8th grade has an opportunity to go to high school at one of the top public schools in the country, but this would mean living 500 miles away with Grandma. She toured the school. She like the competitiveness of the school, but She doesn't want to go. For her the issue became one of time, time to pursue her interests and practice piano.

[Dandelionkid]

Thanks for this very comprehensive answer.  I agree with all of it. I know that "weird" is actually different which is actually good but a lot of people I know feel that a kid who does not learn to fit in socially will be somehow handicapped in the "real" world. Hearing these opinions has obviously effected me so it is good to examine that little insidious thought.  

The coin toss idea is a really good one. I almost wish I hadn't taken my little girl with me to Montessori because now she is informed about how fun it is (seems) that it muddles my decision up a little bit. Except she should have a say in what happens to her. 

She really wants to be with me. She was worried about going to school because she would miss me too much until I told her that we could meet at lunch. It's funny that when she told me that she wanted to be with me all day I worried that I was holding her back somehow (because I know I have some co-dependency traits that I do not want to pass on to the kids)!!

Anyway, thanks to all these posts I see that suspect parental motives are involved on both homeschooling/schooling sides. I am not perfect, my kids are not perfect. I am going to let go of whatever perceived control I am holding on to and pray for clarity here. What it boils down to the most is my own insecurity and terror that if I do homeschool, my kids success in life (as people, not money-makers) seems to be all up to me!

Thanks for the discussion.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SundayCrepes 

I think it's good to look at your contrariness as a motivation to homeschool. I remember when I was in college I loved mid-calf length dresses. They made me feel so mother-earthish. Then they came into style. I told someone, "Now that they're in style, I guess I'll have to stop wearing them." He asked why. "If you like them, you like them. Don't worry about what other people think." He was so right. So decide if you like homeschool or not and go with that. If you want to be contrary, be contrary against being contrary.

We had to send our son to preschool for 2.5 months due to family reasons. We bought him a book called, "Teacher," to help him adjust.  A class of four children (yeah, right, what school has a 4:1 ratio?) do all kinds of great things with this teacher. Whenever I have looked at the book, I have thought,"But that's MY job." I want to do all those things with my kids. That's why I had kids, to do things with them. And my kids want to do those things with me. (It was a great preschool but my son wanted to be with me, not at the school, so we were all glad when we were able to withdraw him.)

We have so many reasons to homeschool---avoiding bullies, drugs, bad teachers, having our children labelled. We want them to have a superior education and to love learning. We want them socialized with adults around. Schools are such false societies. Where in nature do primates sort their young by age? Even in multiple age settings, the primary role model your child will have will be a bunch of kids. How mature will their role models be? I want my kids to follow the example of someone who has attained a level of maturity. We were at homeschool park day and two siblings started physically fighting. Their mother stepped right in. If they'd been in school, there would not have been more than one or two adults to a whole playground. Those kids would not have received the guidance they needed. How does the lack of adequate adult supervision benefit any kid? 

I want my kids to have better than I did when I was little. Every parent wants that for their kids. Don't poopoo that by saying they're different people with different reactions. A toxic environment is a toxic environment. Sure, some kids do better and some kids do worse, but why should any kid be exposed to toxic (or even not so good?) And maybe this Montessori school isn't toxic. But don't go against your gut if you think there is something wrong just because your kid is not you. It is your job to protect your child. If you see bad, protect your kid, don't rationalize that your kid is not you.

A big part of why I want to homeschool my kids is I want a close, positive relationship with them and they want that with me. I wish my parents had done a lot of things differently so we could be close. They didn't and now I don't want to be any closer than arm's distance and I think that's a shame. I wonder what it would have been like to grow up in an environment where we could have been close. Sending kids to school really separates kids and parents. I don't want to be a helicopter parent, but I want my kids to WANT to spend time with me. I've often heard the saying, "Parents should not be their child's friend." Why not? Sure, we need to provide guidance and boundaries, but why can't we be friends too?

Regarding "weird" homeschooled kids. Many years ago (before I realized we would 1. have kids and 2. homeschool them) we were at a B&B in Holland. There was an American homeschooled kid staying there with his parents. There was something "wrong" with him. It took me awhile to figure it out. Then I did. He was "too" mature. He was polite, self-possessed, well-behaved. Please, let my kids be so "weird." I have often been considered "weird." I co-sleep with my kids. We don't eat meat. Years ago, before the environment became a national past-time, I used to take cloth bags into stores and clerks would refuse to use them and they'd give me dirty looks for being so bizarre. I never wore make-up. I haven't watched TV since I turned 18. I used to wear mid-calf dresses when they weren't in style. Shall I go on about how weird I am? The thing is, I LIKE who I am. I don't consider myself weird. I am much more concerned that my kids feel comfortable in their bodies and their personalities and beliefs than I am about how society labels them. Weird means different. Do you really want your kids marching to someone else's beat? Sure, if they like that beat. But not because they are afraid to be different. Teach them to be who they want to be and revel in their choices. Maybe they won't want to be weird and they won't be. They will figure out how to be just like everyone else. Maybe they won't care how other people judge them and they will follow their dreams and people will call them weird.

Regarding your temporary situation. I understand that. That is why we put our son in preschool. Our situation was he was attacking our baby. A counselor suggested maybe he just needed other  playmates. For our daughter's safety we tried preschool because it was a fast way to get him around other kids (my attempts at finding playmates had not worked out so well.) It gave me a breath of fresh air that for 3 hours 4 days a week I did not have to worry about him hurting my little one. Then things fell into place and he stopped hurting her so we immediately pulled him out of the school. Sometimes we have to make the lessor of two bad choices.

However, we also have to be careful that the "bad" choice we are making really is the lessor of the two. My brother moved to another state for a year. Their homeschooling laws weren't so easy so they put the kids into school. That was the year my nephew was taught to hate reading by a horrid teacher. It would have been a lot more work for them to homeschool, but look at the long-term damage that would have been prevented.

My suggestion is to write a list. Make two columns. In one put all the reasons for homeschooling and in the other put all the reasons for doing school. Then compare them. Then toss a coin. Heads she goes to school, tails she stays home. Don't go by that to make your decision, only do it to see your reaction. Do you feel relief at the coin toss or horror?

[Dandelionkid]

Thanks for this. I agree at the heart of it all that kids should have some say, if possible, so if we do school I will make sure that she knows it does not have to be permanent.
 

Originally Posted by mattemma04 

I have done a variety of schooling options with my own kids.Each one has had their pros and cons. If it were all up to me I would want to homeschool even though it had its issues. My kids have chosen Montessori for the time being. That school setting has its pros and cons too,and there are days when the kids complain a lot. I just remind my kids that they chose to go there,and if they want to try something else they are free to do so.

Many kids do not have the option of choosing how/where they will be taught,and I am hoping that it is a good thing to allow.

As parents we do the best we can.If my kids were miserable in ANY school setting I would want to make a change for them.Dh on the other hand is a firm believer in :Go to public school and who cares if you hate it.

[hippiemommaof4]

Originally Posted by Dandelionkid 

Thanks for this very comprehensive answer.  I agree with all of it. I know that "weird" is actually different which is actually good but a lot of people I know feel that a kid who does not learn to fit in socially will be somehow handicapped in the "real" world. Hearing these opinions has obviously effected me so it is good to examine that little insidious thought.  

The coin toss idea is a really good one. I almost wish I hadn't taken my little girl with me to Montessori because now she is informed about how fun it is (seems) that it muddles my decision up a little bit. Except she should have a say in what happens to her. 

She really wants to be with me. She was worried about going to school because she would miss me too much until I told her that we could meet at lunch. It's funny that when she told me that she wanted to be with me all day I worried that I was holding her back somehow (because I know I have some co-dependency traits that I do not want to pass on to the kids)!!

Anyway, thanks to all these posts I see that suspect parental motives are involved on both homeschooling/schooling sides. I am not perfect, my kids are not perfect. I am going to let go of whatever perceived control I am holding on to and pray for clarity here. What it boils down to the most is my own insecurity and terror that if I do homeschool, my kids success in life (as people, not money-makers) seems to be all up to me!

Thanks for the discussion.

there is no guarentee for anyones success in life either way...I know kids who were successful at public school where I went to school and lived my whole life/grew up with them and some of them are now drug addicts and a couple are in jail. Some kids who didn't do the best in public school are successful and productive people. I also have a few friends who were homeschooled (I was homeschooled too way later)that are great.