or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Special Needs Parenting › "...as long as it's healthy..."
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

"...as long as it's healthy..." - Page 2

post #21 of 31

A child who is chromosomally or genetically different isn't sick. When I was a teen, I always hoped that if I have a down syndrome child, he or she would not have heart defects.  I'm sure any parent of a sick child wishes for them to be healthy. My daughter has special needs, and I wouldn't have her any other way. But she is a very healthy girl and I'm so grateful for that.

A friend of mine once told me that she'd much rather have a child who is physically ill than developmentally delayed, and I thought she was nuts.

 

 

 

post #22 of 31

Just another perspective, and I suppose I'm likely not the norm but... I have 6 kids and I actually said some variation of that phrase to hubby about each of the younger 5, but it wasn't at all how you interpret it. See my first daughter passed at birth, then I had 26.5 wk twins and one of them died a day after birth due to severe kidney and lung problems, and the doctors were very grim about my oldest's chances acting like odds were against him and I should prepare for another loss... but he survived. He had probable asthma, two holes in his heart, hypertonia, sensory issues, sleep disturbances, and a poor immune system... but because he's living and growing, etc I think of him as healthy. I guess I have never considered a child with special needs as not healthy, and that was the farthest thing from my mind when saying it. I had had 2 out of 3 babies die, failed pregnancy attempts, etc. and I just really didn't feel strong enough to to bury another child, so for me 'I hope it is healthy' meant something more like 'I hope nothing is fatally wrong and rips my child away from me'... So with all the other kids when I was pregnant and said I just hoped they end up healthy, what I really meant was I hoped they'd LIVE--and thankfully they did, so I feel lucky no matter what comes along the path. S                    i   

post #23 of 31


I don't think anyone who says "as long as it's healthy" automatically means "as long as he/she isn't special needs."  Sometimes healthy just means healthy. 

post #24 of 31

You are right on. It is a rude statement.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jack*and*Kate View Post

Maybe I'm just a sensitive mama lately - I'm sure that's part of it, but I seem to be hearing a lot of "I don't care as long as it's healthy" when I hear expecting parents talk about their baby to be, when asked if they know the gender.

 

It strikes me as insensitive. And arrogant. Of course we all want our children to be healthy. But even before I had a child with special needs - I would never have said that.

 

Am I off base?



 

post #25 of 31

I agree with those who've said they don't think people are being insensitive or arrogant. They just want the best possible outcome. Heck, when I was pregnant with DD, it's what I wanted. It's what we thought we got, too. She didn't get her Autism diagnosis until she was 4.She IS perfectly healthy, she is also on the Autism Spectrum. There is nothing wrong with her at all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

post #26 of 31

I don't see anything wrong with hoping for a healthy child.  What bothers me more is when people go into the u/s as if the only important information they get will be whether the baby is a boy or a girl.  It doesn't even enter their minds that the u/s might actually find something wrong.  THAT makes me cynical.

 

Or maybe I'm just jealous of being that worry-free.

post #27 of 31

I don't think there's anything wrong with hoping for a healthy child.  Why on earth would you want a sick one?

 

I've had two children with a genetic syndrome.  One has had a very hard life and the other died at 20 months.  That doesn't mean that I love them less, or that their life is not worth living, they are/were not happy, etc. etc.  But I wouldn't wish what we've gone through on anyone.  I wouldn't say, " Hey, I sure hope that I have a child who chokes when he swallows and ends up on a respirator everytime he gets sick."

 

I'm sorry that it offends you, but unfortunately it seems that with some people you just can't say anything without them being offended by something.  This makes me really sad.

post #28 of 31

When ever people say to me "I dont know how you do it."   I know they are really thinking "Better you then me"

 

 

 

post #29 of 31


Yep. After losing my daughter during pregnancy, I always say that if I have another, I don't care if it's a boy or girl, as long as it's healthy. And by that, I totally mean "I hope it doesn't die!" but saying healthy seems a lot less... shocking, I guess.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CJNeeley View Post

 So with all the other kids when I was pregnant and said I just hoped they end up healthy, what I really meant was I hoped they'd LIVE--and thankfully they did, so I feel lucky no matter what comes along the path. S                    i   



 

post #30 of 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vermillion View Post


Yep. After losing my daughter during pregnancy, I always say that if I have another, I don't care if it's a boy or girl, as long as it's healthy. And by that, I totally mean "I hope it doesn't die!" but saying healthy seems a lot less... shocking, I guess.



 


I agree. I lost a son, my first. The "as long as its healthy" mostly meant that I hoped to have a LIVE child. Both of my subsequent children have mild special needs... invisible to most of their peers but with more doctor's visits than other kids.
post #31 of 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by plum tree View Post

I don't see anything wrong with hoping for a healthy child.  What bothers me more is when people go into the u/s as if the only important information they get will be whether the baby is a boy or a girl.  It doesn't even enter their minds that the u/s might actually find something wrong.  THAT makes me cynical.

 

Or maybe I'm just jealous of being that worry-free.



My daughter was pretty healthy till she started stumbling at 3.5 years old.  We still don't know much about what she has or how it will impact her life.  She can't run. Sometimes she can't walk.  Other times with her meds she walks just fine.  Sometimes her hands shake pretty badly.  I worry all the time.  Because she was healthy and typical and this came out of the blue, I feel like I have a pretty good perspective on just how much you don't have to think about when you have a health kid v. how much you worry when you have one that has issues.  I can't fault people for not REALLY knowing what it's like to get life-changing future-impacting news about your child - I certainly didn't get it till it happened to us.

 

We probably won't have another child for a whole host of reasons, but mostly because the one we have needs us a lot.  I wouldn't love another child any less if he or she had special needs - it certainly hasn't made me love my daughter any less!  But would I prefer that she be healthy and not have these challenges?  Of course!  Would I prefer to go to sleep at night worry free, like I used to?  Yeah!  Would I like to have her in tee ball and dance and all the other things she wants to do, all the things I had been telling her - when you're four, when you're four?  Yeah.  I am jealous of MYSELF pre-diagnosis.  It was a whole other life.

 

When people say "as long as it's healthy" I don't think "otherwise, we'll send it back" is the unspoken end of the sentence.  It just means, "we're not really hoping for one gender over the other, we really just hope the baby will be healthy."  And does my heart skip a little beat when I hear that?  And does my breath catch a little?  And do I sometimes see a mom crossing a parking lot with her three or four perfectly healthy kids swarming around her and die a little inside?  You betcha.  But it's not because I love my daughter less or would trade her for a healthy child, it's because I miss not having to worry about things like will she be able to get across the parking lot without falling and I'm envious on her behalf of those children who can do something as common as walk without having to worry about falling with every step.  I have envy in spades and it sometimes gets away from me.

New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Special Needs Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Special Needs Parenting › "...as long as it's healthy..."