breaking up - looking for advice on not living together but unsure about "breaking up" as a...

[JordanKX]

DP and I are splitting up. DS is 18months. We've always been sketchy (before I got pregnant) because DP doesn't work and has an issue with "stuff". My mother likes to call him a hoarder, but I think she watches too much TV. Honestly, I don't know that we would've stayed together that long if I hadn't gotten pregnant, but here we are with an 18month old son.

I am clearly the A, I bought a house after DS was born. We are not married.

I've tried to always think of this as "our home". It's our son's home more than anything. And as the stuff keeps piling up that DP brings in, it's become overwhelming. It's more of just a compromise... really looking at the house, I've "given" him the second bedroom, the outside, the shed, certainly the garage. He is awesome at keeping the rest of the house clean. But whatever... I'm rambling about stuff. That's my scapegoat right now.

I work. I'm in graduate school (almost finished!). DP toggles between odd landscaping jobs, unemployment and most recently, disability for a work-related job (thank goodness it was Work-related, bc we couldn't have afforded the surgery & all). It is a neverending cycle of Me providing, him scraping by.

Enter selfish resentment of "I do everything... you do nothing" (which is highly over-simplifying, but certainly feels that way). And I said... your STUFF has got to go, I'm swamped. You're not pulling your weight (yes, I actually said that... omg).

His response, totally understandable, if his stuff (meaning 2 tons of tools in the garage) doesn't live here... he doesn't live here.

So he's not living here, as of today. Me and the kiddo are in the house, looking for a roommate.

But there's the relationship issue too, of... I don't want him. I don't want anyone... I sincerely believe it's not personal to him. But "breaking up"... this part saddens me. He is, of course, tormented over our past year, post-baby, where we can easily count the times we've DTD, and nothing since his injury in October. I don't touch him. He's tried to re-kindle and I just do not have access to that part of myself right now. Maybe I'm kidding myself, but I really think it's not personal to him?!?!

Except that I know I'm highly resentful of everything... it does bug the hell out of me that he doesn't work; doesn't do Anything except be an exceptionally creative eccentric, which does little for the real world. And that could be a definite reason why I don't want to be physically active.

He wants to move, has been excited actually about moving out. But doesn't want to Break Up. He has hopes that we can re-kindle things. And while I realize that I've honestly had issues from the beginning... I'm not opposed to keeping this door open. I still want to take travels this summer WITH HIM and do things together. I'm not looking to introduce anyone else into our world. I just don't want anything romantic right now.

I'm just curious for the BTDT experience.

My parents (not-married, but their subsequent marriages) all had splits and separations and got back together. I'm not afraid of the potential of getting back together. Maybe that's where I'm coming from in my hopes and thoughts that we don't have to close ALL doors right now.

Have any of you had separations... especially in the beginning and been unsure of what you were doing? Is it okay to keep some open doors at this point? We're so new at this. We're both 35, but this is the first time we've ever split WITH a child in the mix.

[MissLotus]

About this:  "His response, totally understandable, if his stuff (meaning 2 tons of tools in the garage) doesn't live here... he doesn't live here."  I personally don't think that response is understandable.  So he'd rather keep his hordes of junk than to live in the same home as his own child?  Has he even tried to reach a compromise with you - like talking about when he's going back to work (I'm not clear on if he's still disabled from his injury)?  And if he doesn't work, how is he going to pay rent for wherever he's going?  Please tell me you are not the one giving him rent money.

Maybe I'm not getting what the scene is, but it sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too. 

[JordanKX]

Originally Posted by MissLotus 

 how is he going to pay rent for wherever he's going?  Please tell me you are not the one giving him rent money.

Gulp.

I despise that this has become a normal sentence in my life but..... he is living in a travel trailer parked at his dad's cabin out in the woods. Dad pays for everything.

He is on 'lite-duty' for 4 more months, and because no one will hire that, he will have a disability stipend for those four more months. After that, he will have to return to work. Or, Try.

[Rani]

It is not uncommon at all for desire to not be there the first 2 years or so after a child comes.  Some it doesn't effect. Me?  I nursed for 4 years with dd and most of that time, was never really horny at all and my DH and I are fine and were then.  You are learning a whole new skill - ie..keeping that fragile being alive and healthy and growing...no room for much else with working, maintaining house, etc.

Do not feel guilty because things change.  Don't feel guilty because you can't stand all the stuff. My mom was and is a hoarder. Your DP is one too.  It doesn't change.  Nothing says you cant interact with him outside of being together in the house.  But yeah, sounds like he is well gone.

[Octopus8]

I am in a very, very similar situation to you, minus the hoarding. I had been living with my boyfriend for the past 8 months or so, and recently became pregnant. Well, when I found out I was pregnant I realized I was living with a lazy guy that was really taking advantage of me financially. For example, I had been paying 75% of the rent, and 100% of the food costs and utilities. I kicked him out, back to Mama's house a month ago. He really wants to get back together, but I have zero interest. I have nothing against him, he is a really calm and even-tempered guy, just completely financially undependable. I guess what I'm trying to say is...Don't feel bad/guilty for wanting a guy who can pull his weight financially - at least 50/50. Keep your options open, maybe when he realizes what he has lost he will try and be the man that you deserve - an equal partner.

[jennieglass]

Wow, your situation sounds almost identical to mine.  We have an 18 month old son, and I can't stand his crap laying around, mostly in his room (which used to be ours), and outside.  He grew up in trailer parks, so I blame it on his "white trash" gene.  He just can't help it, and no matter how much I organize his stuff, he just brings more!  Plus, he hasn't paid for anything since I went back to work last fall (I was on unemployment for 11 months luckily, so I got to be a stay-home mom for awhile).  He too does odd construction or landscaping jobs, and has an older daughter that he is paying child support for, though he's thousands of dollars behind.  I'm in the midst of talking to my landlord about evicting him, and then wondering if I should even file for child support.  I keep thinking that maybe going to jail for not paying child support will straighten him out?  He owns a house with his mom an hour away that's in foreclosure, but I think they'll be able to refinance and keep it, so I'm assuming he'd move back out there since he can't afford his own place.  But then he's an hour away, which isn't very convenient when it comes to taking care of our son, especially when he's sick and I have to go to work.  I'm so scare of being a single mom, but at the same time I'm realizing that I've been doing 98% of the work around here, and that it will be way easier to do that without him sitting on the couch and me just resenting him.  I'm so sick of him being able to go to bed whenever he wants, and wake up whenever he wants, and basically go do anything whenever he wants, and I have to beg him to watch our son to do those things, which usually ends up in a big fight.  He's a great guy, and I still want us to be a family and hang out, but I can't do the romantic thing anymore either.  I'm at the point too where I'd like to have more children, so I feel like I need to get out there and get a move on, though maybe I'm only meant to have one...  I have such dreams of traveling and retiring and giving my son the best that the world has to offer, and I feel that if I stay with his dad, life will always be a struggle, and I'll always be the one picking up the pieces and pulling us out of crisis.  Be strong and follow your heart.  I know it's hard to know what your heart needs sometimes, but it'll hit you in strange ways.  Listen to your dreams and your intuition and the funny synchronicities in your life.  I know that I tend to doubt myself a lot and not listen to or see what's right in front of my face, but I'm trying, and I get a little stronger every day.  Good luck!

[JordanKX]

jennie and octopus... i'm sorry for you both. I feel for the situations you both are in. And you both seem new up here - keep posting and asking for advice! I appreciate you both sharing your experiences. I don't want to rant about DP (or ex-Dp, or whatever he is). There are issues, significant issues. I seem to be meeting a lot of women who are the more financial persons in their relationships - sometimes that is a good thing, in the ones I'm currently aware of.. it's not good. I think it's a scary place when anyone "carries" the other for too long. I know I've been that person, fighting this never-ending battle. I knew it when we walked into this relationship... and it hasn't improved.

Rani, I appreciate your words about normalcy in the first year. I'm really trying to accept that - but that's MY acceptance, not so much his. I know it's normal to "fall in love" with your kid... it's been a surprise to lose interest in my own sexuality. It's an interesting thing to battle - is that feeling gone, or is it just gone with Him? I don't know the answer to that yet... which is why I'd like to keep the doors open.

I know I might just end up hurting him more in the process. He, even with his issues or hoarding or not financially responsible or whatever, has a right to his sexual wants as well. Oh don't blast me here, I think a lot should be a higher priority. But he does have the right to that.

It's a hard one.

And it's been nearly two weeks now of him not living here. And as amicably friendly co-parents, we're doing great. We haven't talked, looked at, nada, about US. He's the person who won't, which scares me a little. I'll have to be the one to, now, attempt to rekindle anything... if there is still that option. And lawd, have "single-parent" issues not already come up like crazy. I totally feel like I'm a one-woman show right now. Which is equally infuriating and... adds to that resentment.

[Rani]

Take the time and space you both need for now...tomorrow is always another day.