Time for sex???

[amelie9636]

Ok, hope this the right forum, but honestly, how do new mothers find the time for sex? Our LO is now 4 months old, and we've been pretty hermitical from the time of birth!

I have started working again, and in the evenings, we are v. exhausted and only manage to sleep when the LO finally sleeps, so it seems like a big task staying awake to do it. Mornings are better times, but my breasts are normally so full of milk, that the first thing that comes to mind is to pump the milk out, and that takes a good 20-30 mins, after which it is time to get ready for work etc.

:(

We've tried over the weekend baby afternoon nap, but honestly, at this point, we're really sleep deprived during the week, and want to catch up on some shut-eye ourselves.

Any advice or suggestions would help, especially if you have tried them and they've  worked for you.

[Triceratops]

maybe taking a nice shower together before bed, while baby is sleeping? Sometimes me and my dh can get away with it... sometimes not. Other times, we ask the grandparents to keep the baby for a few hours so we can "watch a movie" ;) ... well we start a movie, but never get to finish it!

Or waking up just a little early, while baby is still snoozing, and have some fun before work... just a thought!

[expat-mama]

DH and I have just finally got back into our groove again in the past 2 months or so.

I had a really low libido for the first few months, some pain and we were both busy and exhausted. When DS hit about 6 months, it was like BOOYAH- libido was back, we were all into more of a routine, had worked out methods to deal with exhaustion, and sex was fitting into our lives again! I don't really know when we find the time...usually when DS is asleep before we hit the sack ourselves.

I think once we started making time for it, it just fit into the (already hectic) schedule again somehow. It was worth it.

[SilverFish]

just relax! it takes a while to get back into it. sadly, i could probably count (not on one hand, but still!) the number of times we've had sex in the past year. and it comes and goes too. we'll have really good spells where the baby is sleeping well, we don't have much stress and things just seem to fall into place. then there are rough patches where we are so tired, distracted and stressed out that we don't even think about it! i haven't gotten my cycles back at 12 month pp and that definitely has an effect on libido. but, i am starting to see a slight rise and fall in hormones, so i think it'll get better soon.

the things that helped me:

not trying for actual intercourse, but instead connecting in other physical ways. when i am too mentally or physically exhausted to contemplate sex, i make a point of asking for cuddles, kissing or massage. i try to make it clear from the outset that intercourse is not on the menu, but it really really helps, with everything. no pressure to go all the way, a nice relaxed way to get your libido kick-started, no frustration when the baby interrupts, and really, sometimes as good as sex to make you feel connected with your partner.

making time. this is the hardest. the worst is when the baby is finally in bed for the night or naps, it takes us 30-45 min to unwind a bit, have some quiet personal time, and then feel interested in searching out our partner for sex. unfortunately, by that time it's nearly time for the baby to be up, or it's getting late and we want to go to bed. we have to remind ourselves that we want sex to be a priority, so it needs to come before showers or checking emails or making a snack, otherwise there just won't be time.

being realistic. yes, sex is a priority, but is it a priority over having personal time or sleep? not always, for us. our marriage is in a good place, and we connect physically and mentally throughout the week, so i really don't feel too concerned that it's sometimes a few weeks inbetween sex. maybe my partner feels a bit differently... haha... but overall it's ok. i'm also trying to be realistic that my libido ISN'T back to normal... i'm still breastfeeding, and until my cycles resume, my sexual urges are being supressed. i need to try and remember that, because it does sometimes get me down that that i'm not as interested in sex as i feel i should be.

i do remember feeling really concerned around 4 months pp too. 4 months seems like a looooong time to go without sex in your pre-baby life, but believe me, you will be looking back in 8 months wondering how the heck the year went by so quickly, and it will get easier and easier to make time for the fun stuff.

[McGucks]

Hi--not much time to write, but wanted to say--I hear you!  Our LO is 11 months & I am still nowhere close to being back in the groove...of course DH is...they always are, no?  But I started a thread awhile back on this same topic and thought you might be interested:  http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/thread/1282060/motherhood-and-libido

Good luck...believe me, you are WAY not alone...

[JulieInChicago]

my husband and i are rather rabbit-like, and since Elliot was about 2 mos we've been almost back to our original schedule.  What works for us has been a combination of showering together in the AM and having some adult time between when Elliot first falls asleep around 8pm and when we go to bed at 10pm.

I have to say that E's sleep schedule has been key to making this work.  But if all else fails, you both have to shower anyway... :)

[MsFortune]

I always prioritize sleep over sex.  I think that's OK.  You are tired.  Focus on the baby, focus on sleep.  Sex will return with time.

We have a 6 mo old.  I'm finally getting enough sleep (I'm back at work too) to feel human and get my drive back.  But we are having sex like every other week.  I'm OK with this - I like sex but sometimes it feels like one more thing I have to do in an already busy day.  

So don't push it.  It will come back with time.

[BirthIsAwesome]

Originally Posted by JulieInChicago 

my husband and i are rather rabbit-like, and since Elliot was about 2 mos we've been almost back to our original schedule.  What works for us has been a combination of showering together in the AM and having some adult time between when Elliot first falls asleep around 8pm and when we go to bed at 10pm.

I have to say that E's sleep schedule has been key to making this work.  But if all else fails, you both have to shower anyway... :)

This describes us pretty well. I am a SAHM but my husband works 12-16 hour days a lot, so he is usually the one who is too exhausted. He often falls right into bed and goes to sleep upon getting home. We love sleeping nude so we can cuddle to sleep and all night, setting the alarm 30 minutes earlier and having sex in the morning before he goes to work, and having sex on Saturday and Sunday nights when dh is nice and rested from long naps on Saturday and Sunday afternoon and baby is sleeping (Malachi is a great sleeper at night and his first sleep stretch is usually around 4 hours so we have a nice chunk of time on weekend nights). And we do showers together also, usually on weekends since I don't like taking showers at 5am!

[katelove]

We've found nap time better than before bed. We're less tired that way. Or, we have sex soon after she goes to bed then get up again and watch TV or whatever. The thing that works the least well for us is waiting until our bedtime.

[Knitting Mama]

Originally Posted by MsFortune 

I always prioritize sleep over sex.  I think that's OK.  You are tired.  Focus on the baby, focus on sleep.  Sex will return with time.

We have a 6 mo old.  I'm finally getting enough sleep (I'm back at work too) to feel human and get my drive back.  But we are having sex like every other week.  I'm OK with this - I like sex but sometimes it feels like one more thing I have to do in an already busy day.  

So don't push it.  It will come back with time.

Yes, this. It's totally normal to have a hard time with intimacy after a baby, and nobody should ever be made to feel guilty if they're just not ready for it or into it at that time.

[Ninetales]

I don't have the time or the desire at this point.  My daughter just had her first birthday and we probably did it less than 10 times since she was born.  It's not a big priority for me, I'm guessing due both to hormones and the fact that my husband doesn't really help me much around the house, so I'm too tired from keeping up the housework.  Plus we bedshare, so that's where the baby sleeps, and I just don't enjoy doing it anywhere else.  We're both pretty large individuals, so the couch is no good, and we don't have another bed.  I'm hoping things change soon, but more for his sake than mine.

[rachael07]

We have sex once every week or two at this point, not often enough :( The best time seems to be right after our DS goes down for the night. We know we'll have at least 40 minutes, and it's usually 7pm or so... early enough to still be awake

[FbksMama]

This has worried me too.  My son is 4 1/2 mo. and we've had sex once maybe around 3 1/2 pp.  It was really more for him as I'm not feelin' it at all.  I had a decent tear and stitches so even that one time still hurt.  Even while pregnant I couldn't really get into it (I know this varies for every woman).  And the last time we did before his birth I think actually induced me a week early...woops!  I guess it never occurred to me that I wouldn't have the urge as much with no cycle.  Is that normal for most people?  No cycle no urge?  If so then that's a little depressing...esp. if I plan to breastfeed for the long haul.  Also the cosleeping really makes things hard.... or not.  Teeheehee.  How do you make it all work??  Being a new mom is difficult to balance everything.  And I'm not even working!        

[rachael07]

Estrogen levels are significantly decreased while pregnant and nursing, which can decrease libido and decrease lubrication. Testosterone levels are low too, which could also be a reason (we women have testosterone, too, and it is an important aspect of sex drive). So yes I think it is totally normal

your co-sleeping comment -- hehe ;) Honestly this was part of the motivation for us to move our DS to his own room from about 7-10pm. Sex or no sex, I just needed my bedroom back for a few hours!
 

Originally Posted by FbksMama 

This has worried me too.  My son is 4 1/2 mo. and we've had sex once maybe around 3 1/2 pp.  It was really more for him as I'm not feelin' it at all.  I had a decent tear and stitches so even that one time still hurt.  Even while pregnant I couldn't really get into it (I know this varies for every woman).  And the last time we did before his birth I think actually induced me a week early...woops!  I guess it never occurred to me that I wouldn't have the urge as much with no cycle.  Is that normal for most people?  No cycle no urge?  If so then that's a little depressing...esp. if I plan to breastfeed for the long haul.  Also the cosleeping really makes things hard.... or not.  Teeheehee.  How do you make it all work??  Being a new mom is difficult to balance everything.  And I'm not even working!