What would you have done?

[InsideOut]

DS and I have moved out of the house that I own but that X and I have paid for 50/50. The house is for sale, X still lives there. Since then, X has come to see DS on a couple of occasions during the day when DS is being watched by family (we've moved in with my family) because I'm unavailable.

The last time X was at my family's home, he went to my "room" and left the house with a box of my personal items - journals, letters, pictures, etc from childhood and on). I'm not going to go in to how unbelievable, disappointing, etc it is that he was here to spend time with DS and basically stole my stuff to snoop through. I just need to think through what happens next and how I should deal with visits now.

X's schedule frees him up in the day (when I'm not around) but since this incident, I'm not willing to allow X in to the family home to see DS if I'm not there. That means he will see DS a lot less. I think I am making the right decision but do feel unsure about keeping DS from X. On the other hand, he blew his chances at showing he can make good decisions, be trustworthy, etc. so I feel like although I am making the decision which ends up restricting his access to DS, it's of his doing.

I'm really just sick about this whole situation, I mean I can't even process what is happening or what I should do. I do care about X as a person who has been in my life for years and for who I feel terribly for because his life is so messed up and he doesn't even seem to realize it, but I'm not putting myself or DS in his world anymore.

Thanks for the opportunity to post, not even sure what I'm looking for by posting this, I just have a lot to process at this point. I've tried to make things as easy as possible in terms of us both being in DS life as much as possible but it's taking a toll on me and I'm not sure what X is owed.

[mami2f3]

Yeah, that's horrifying. I don't have any words of wisdom, just hugs to you! 

It clearly crossed a line and I'm not sure what I'd be willing to do to facilitate anything at this point...

[Learning_Mum]

I don't think you're restricting his access in any way, I'm assuming that he is still welcome to come and collect DS and take him to the park or something.

What he did was insanely inappropriate and I don't think you need to let him into your home at all in the future.

[BabyBearsMummy]

InsideOut now way should you feel any guilt over not allowing him into your home. He violated you and acted morally reprehensable and IMHO certainly should not be allowed in your home in the future.

[Momsteader]

Is there a reason he cannot take ds back to the former family home for visits?  I would not allow him into the house unsupervised since he behaved so poorly :( Did you get your things back?? I hope so!

Don't feel bad. He made a poor choice and not you.

[doubledutch]

yes, i agree with everyone else.  this is the consequence of his behavior.  he's not allowed there anymore.  totally understandable, nothing for you to feel guilty about.

[InsideOut]

To answer a few questions, DS and I left the house in February due to our home being vandalized because of something X got in to, and someone was sending him a message. I'm not putting myself or DS in potential danger so we moved out and haven't been back since.

I did get my things back but he was nice enough to highlight specific things in my journals and go through everything else.

With everything that has happened so far I have still invited X to come over and spend time with DS (as long as I'm home) but he doesn't want to come over anymore if my family is home, now that my family has finally been told about everything that has happened.

We can't go to the house that we own for visits, we're not going to X's mother's house anymore, and he's stressing me out every day to see DS on his terms (his choice of location) and when I repeat that we won't be meeting at the aforementioned locations, he blames me for keeping DS from him. I still need to have him served with custody papers but in the meantime what the heck do I really owe him??? I tried all day Sunday to arrange a time and place to meet and he just didn't show up because 2 hours wasn't enough time for him to spend with DS.

He's now refusing to sign papers to have the selling price of our house reduced and he's threatened to not pay the bills on the house. The house and all bills are in my name but we're common-law. I know I need to see a lawyer but I've got so much going on right now, I pretty much don't have time for a couple months to be dealing with this nonsense. He's going to make this nice and hard.

[Momsteader]

You'd want to talk to a lawyer to see if you CAN limit where he sees ds. If there isn't a compelling enough reason for a court to think so, you may have to just let him see ds at a place of his choosing as he'll have that option most likely once custody is established. He won't always have to see ds on your terms in your presence. An attorney can give you the specifics, but if there is a concrete reason/danger for not letting X see ds at his place/mom's place then you need to talk an attorney immediately. In your situation, a custody arrangement should be of paramount importance because until that is established, depending on the laws of your state, your X has as much right as you do to take ds where he chooses when he chooses.

Also as far as the papers on the house and the bills, again, you NEED to make seeing an attorney a TOP priority (or mediator if you think you guys can sit down and work it out....you might surprised that you could even if it's not 100% amicable).

[BabyBearsMummy]

Originally Posted by InsideOut 

he just didn't show up because 2 hours wasn't enough time for him to spend with DS.

This guy has his priorities out of wack IMHO two hours is a world better then zero hours. I hope you are able to secure a lawyer soon InsideOut to help you wade thru this mess in a way that provides you and your DS a healthy happy future.

[provocativa]

Lawyer up, NOW.   Don't wait.  You need to file papers, and mediate visitation with lawyers present.  If you don't get it done soon, you could draw a judge who believes that you are attempting to prevent your kid from seeing his father.  I sense that there is something else you're not mentioning about the situation- does your X drink, or have a drug problem, or otherwise sketchy behavior that a court would frown upon?

[sapphire_chan]

Silly question here, if all the house papers and bills are in your name, can't you do something unilaterally? Like call up the utility companies he isn't paying and cancel the service?

[InsideOut]

I'm trying to keep things as amicable as possible while he plays dirty. I don't know what I have the right to do (as in not get myself in to trouble for taking specific actions). As it stands now, because I won't go to the house for X to see DS, X is now refusing to pay next months bills, refusing to sign the papers to reduce the selling price on our home, and refusing showings of the house. All bills and the house are under my name but my realtor advised that X has to sign all papers with respect to price change and eventually selling the house because we are common-law and moved in to it together.

X is not a drug addict or anything but he has pled guilty to a charge and has been in limbo waiting to be sentenced and his sentence is also conditional on his testimony on a related case (this is why I'm afraid to go back to the house and have not been back since it was vandalized).

I'm in school, on paid maternity, and don't have a weekday free until May. My life is a mess. I've offered to meet X in the city where our house is, amongst other things to make sure he sees DS and he is refusing everything if he can't see DS in the house. I know I need to see a lawyer. I literally do not have time and when I do it's late at night when I can't get any kind of service because it's after 5pm.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by InsideOut 

We can't go to the house that we own for visits, we're not going to X's mother's house anymore, and he's stressing me out every day to see DS on his terms (his choice of location) and when I repeat that we won't be meeting at the aforementioned locations, he blames me for keeping DS from him. I still need to have him served with custody papers but in the meantime what the heck do I really owe him??? I tried all day Sunday to arrange a time and place to meet and he just didn't show up because 2 hours wasn't enough time for him to spend with DS.

He's now refusing to sign papers to have the selling price of our house reduced and he's threatened to not pay the bills on the house. The house and all bills are in my name but we're common-law. I know I need to see a lawyer but I've got so much going on right now, I pretty much don't have time for a couple months to be dealing with this nonsense. He's going to make this nice and hard.

That depends on your exact situation, which I don't know well at all.  If there are GOOD reasons for supervised visits (small infant BF'ing with no safety concerns IS NOT one of them - although that would be a reason for no overnights in SOME places - family law is very state specific).  Otherwise, you are NOT under any circumstances required to allow him into YOUR home, but he can take your ds to wherever he wants.  If there is good reason for supervised visitation, then you basically need to be reasonable.  Reasonably times, reasonable places (so, not a 4 hour drive from your home, but somewhere close by - a public place is always good - that is a safe place and kid friendly would be perfect), you wouldn't be required to meet him on HIS terms, so long as your terms weren't unreasonable. 

Supervised visitation can get tricky though.  It's not easy to get.  Good luck!

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by InsideOut 

I'm trying to keep things as amicable as possible while he plays dirty. I don't know what I have the right to do (as in not get myself in to trouble for taking specific actions). As it stands now, because I won't go to the house for X to see DS, X is now refusing to pay next months bills, refusing to sign the papers to reduce the selling price on our home, and refusing showings of the house. All bills and the house are under my name but my realtor advised that X has to sign all papers with respect to price change and eventually selling the house because we are common-law and moved in to it together.

X is not a drug addict or anything but he has pled guilty to a charge and has been in limbo waiting to be sentenced and his sentence is also conditional on his testimony on a related case (this is why I'm afraid to go back to the house and have not been back since it was vandalized).

I'm in school, on paid maternity, and don't have a weekday free until May. My life is a mess. I've offered to meet X in the city where our house is, amongst other things to make sure he sees DS and he is refusing everything if he can't see DS in the house. I know I need to see a lawyer. I literally do not have time and when I do it's late at night when I can't get any kind of service because it's after 5pm.

So, a dirty little secret about lawyers, most of them work weeknights and weekends b/c lots of them are workaholics.  You should call around on your lunch break one day, and see what you can arrange.  A good lawyer is worth skipping a class for too.  I promise.

[singin'intherain]

Originally Posted by InsideOut 

I'm trying to keep things as amicable as possible while he plays dirty. I don't know what I have the right to do (as in not get myself in to trouble for taking specific actions). As it stands now, because I won't go to the house for X to see DS, X is now refusing to pay next months bills, refusing to sign the papers to reduce the selling price on our home, and refusing showings of the house. All bills and the house are under my name but my realtor advised that X has to sign all papers with respect to price change and eventually selling the house because we are common-law and moved in to it together.

X is not a drug addict or anything but he has pled guilty to a charge and has been in limbo waiting to be sentenced and his sentence is also conditional on his testimony on a related case (this is why I'm afraid to go back to the house and have not been back since it was vandalized).

I'm in school, on paid maternity, and don't have a weekday free until May. My life is a mess. I've offered to meet X in the city where our house is, amongst other things to make sure he sees DS and he is refusing everything if he can't see DS in the house. I know I need to see a lawyer. I literally do not have time and when I do it's late at night when I can't get any kind of service because it's after 5pm.

I don't think the bolded is true. It's your house. He may be awarded part of the proceeds in order to even the finances, if you have more money than he does. Anyway, keep track of EVERYTHING he does to bring your situation to a stalemate in order to force you to do things his way. Document the events that led to you and ds leaving the family home, take pictures of the damage and file a police report. Given the threats, vandalism, and ex's legal situation, I think you have a good case for insisting that visitation take place anywhere but in that house. You allowed it to take place at your home, on his schedule, until he stole something from you. Document, document, document! You are acting reasonably, in the best interest of your son, now you need to be able to show that in court, and show that he is manipulating you, that he is being unreasonable, and that he is willing to forfeit visitation rather than make arrangements with you. Get a lawyer quick! You need to make time, even if you beg your professors for more time to complete projects/take exams on a different day.

[myra_mcgray]

Many states do not recognize common law marriage. I would not take legal advice from a real estate agent. Get a lawyer. If you are the person who owns the home and your state does not recognize common law marriage it does not matter how long you have lived there together he does not have the right to block you from selling the home for a certain price and any financial reimbursement he may be entitled to from the sale of the house he would need to go to court to get.

[Momsteader]

Even if you're married, if the house is in your name only.....you're the one who signs/sells.

[InsideOut]

I live in Canada, I don't know if that makes a difference. But don't worry! I'm not taking legal advice from my realtor. It's just that she is not dropping the price on the house because she says X needs to sign off on it as well.

I've got an appointment for a free consult with a lawyer next Wednesday, I'm hoping I won't be penalized for missing school that morning but as many of you have mentioned, it's really important that I talk to someone to get this mess settled.

[singin'intherain]

I'm glad to hear you're getting things rolling on this! It will be such a relief to take away his power to mess with your life!