Struggling a little

[christophersmom]

I felt like with DD adopted last year, I had so much sympathy and compassion for her birth mom. I genuinely grieved that she couldn't take care of DD. This was a case of not being able to parent, I feel through no fault of her own.

Now fast forward to our current foster daughter and her mom chose not to parent. Now she is going to start getting visitation. I just feel some anger. Not that I would ever display it. Here is a perfectly healthy, happy, normal, loved child and her mom left her and now is drifting back into her life, probably to eventually cause her emotional harm.

How did others deal?

[pumpkingirl71]

I wish I could tell you how I deal : )  It is very hard.  The only thing that keeps me going and not exploding at dd's birthmother is that I know it helps dd to have a relationship with her birthmother.  Sending you hugs.  Your reaction is normal, but the way you are handling it is admirable!

[lauren]

Sounds like a big adjustment. Do you already have a relationship with the birth mom? Do you feel certain that she intends to cause emotional harm?

[Polliwog]

She may have chosen to leave but remember she's probably experienced a lot. You can't always do what you didn't get.

[marsupial-mom]

I have found that visitations that encourage reunification or adoption are much harder for me to handle than visitations that are just visitations (sibling visits or whatnot). Because I want to adopt, I have a hard time emotionally with the visitations that might result in FS leaving my home. I do them and never cancel, but I'm not as open and loving as I would be in other circumstances. I'm a LOT more judgemental.

I think the best we can do is just accept this in ourselves and realize there's only so much forgiveness and understanding that we are capable of. As foster parents we will be pushed to the utmost extremes in those terms, in areas where very few other people will show any compassion at all. Save some of that compassion for yourself and forgive yourself for your harsh feelings. It's normal, natural, and healthy to feel how you feel.

The only thing is to try to make sure that those feelings aren't witnessed by your kiddo. And that you keep showing up to visits. That's all you can do.

[heatherdeg]

I think when you do it enough, you come to realize that your current fd's mom is equally incapable of parenting as your ad's mother was... it just doesn't look the same.  There is a saying that "If you've met one kid with autism, you've met ONE kid with autism" and the sentiment is that there is such a diverse range of how children in the spectrum look, behave and present symptoms.  It's really not much different with the people who are SO incapable of appropriate decision-making that their children are now in CPS care.  Keep in mind how serious the situation had to be to get there.  I know plenty of families living extremely unhealthy lives (physically, emotionally, mentally) who will never see CPS.  I think we forget how serious is needs to be for a child to ACTUALLY be removed (99% of the time--there are the exceptions where they have no business being involved).

Now think about the broken decision-making process that person has that got their family to this point.  Think about the level of dysfunction and damage that had to exist to get them there.  You will sometimes see a parent who loves their child SO DEEPLY but their issues are just that much deeper.

When I taught, a mentor told me to "find something to love about every student".  When I fostered, I tried to find some redeeming quality about every birthparent.  I also realized that 1) you have no clue where the journey will end; and 2) that this child is on their own journey and all of these experiences will build who they are--good, bad or indifferent.

It's not your journey.  These aren't your decisions.  And at the end of the day, it doesn't matter how wretched a soul a birthparent may be: their child will STILL love them.

I realize that you're not presenting this outwardly, but they feel it.  Don't kid yourself that they don't.  And YOU feel it.  I hope you can come to find a level of compassion for the ones that aren't obviously incapable through developmental delay.  They're all equally incapable through a variety of causes.

[mommaluv321]

Originally Posted by heatherdeg 

I think when you do it enough, you come to realize that your current fd's mom is equally incapable of parenting as your ad's mother was... it just doesn't look the same.  There is a saying that "If you've met one kid with autism, you've met ONE kid with autism" and the sentiment is that there is such a diverse range of how children in the spectrum look, behave and present symptoms.  It's really not much different with the people who are SO incapable of appropriate decision-making that their children are now in CPS care.  Keep in mind how serious the situation had to be to get there.  I know plenty of families living extremely unhealthy lives (physically, emotionally, mentally) who will never see CPS.  I think we forget how serious is needs to be for a child to ACTUALLY be removed (99% of the time--there are the exceptions where they have no business being involved).

Now think about the broken decision-making process that person has that got their family to this point.  Think about the level of dysfunction and damage that had to exist to get them there.  You will sometimes see a parent who loves their child SO DEEPLY but their issues are just that much deeper.

When I taught, a mentor told me to "find something to love about every student".  When I fostered, I tried to find some redeeming quality about every birthparent.  I also realized that 1) you have no clue where the journey will end; and 2) that this child is on their own journey and all of these experiences will build who they are--good, bad or indifferent.

It's not your journey.  These aren't your decisions.  And at the end of the day, it doesn't matter how wretched a soul a birthparent may be: their child will STILL love them.

I realize that you're not presenting this outwardly, but they feel it.  Don't kid yourself that they don't.  And YOU feel it.  I hope you can come to find a level of compassion for the ones that aren't obviously incapable through developmental delay.  They're all equally incapable through a variety of causes.

I can REALLY relate to this right now, I have 3 fosters right now that are all sib's and whose mother is an old friend of mine. It's been extremely difficult for me understand where mama is coming from lately because of all the slowly unravelling lies that have been surfacing. I find that alot of my feelings towards their mama are tempered with the knowledge of her complete and utter lack of parenting skills. I'm trying REALLY hard to not let any of my personal feelings of betrayal from my friend taint anything that I say to the kiddos (2yo, 4yo, and 9yo) or let on to them in any way that I am upset with their mama. Same goes with their papa who was physically abusive to all 3; I constantly get the "I really miss daddy, I wish I could see him more often..." even though the 9yo has repeatedly expressed fear of being "found out" by daddy and being in trouble for saying anything. It's a fine line all of us foster parents have to balance on, apparently!
 

[christophersmom]

I met mom and dad this week and the visit went well. They expressed gratitude for me taking care of their baby and I was very friendly and helpful without stepping in on their visit. They got to hold her the whole time and when she started to fuss, I said there is a bottle in the bag for her so they got to feed and change her. So overall, it went well.

In my county, I will not routinely go to the visits, so I actually won't go again for probably 2-3 months.

They were late, but that won't be tolerated in the future and they have a plan. Who knows where it will all go. Part of me feels like I just want to keep her  but the other (more rational) part knows that eventually she will end up where she *needs* to be, wether that is with us or them.

I was a bit distrubed that they provide bus passes, three letters (one being certified), and two phone calls (minimum) for the visit. But, CPS has to show that they tried, I guess.

And Polliwog, I think you hit the nail on the head (and other pp's). You can't do what you weren't taught. Dad is pretty old, so I can imagine him growing up poor in segregated schools and just didn't get the right foundation. It doesn't undermine that he does love her.

[Polliwog]

(((HUGS.))) You made it through the first one and you'll be able to cope with the rest. BTW, I still need to meet that cutie.