Tantrums? Seriously, I thought we had awhile...

[Adaline'sMama]

My 11 month old is having what I think are tantrums. Yesterday my DH witnessed her laying on the floor outside the (open) door of the room I walked into. When I walked out I looked at her and she instantly started flailing her arms and legs. DH said that she saw me and started crying. She will be in her highchair eating and just start screaming in a high pitched voice. You'd think she was in dire pain. As soon as I turn to her and say "What is the matter?" She smiles. This is happening the most when I take something from her that she cant have. I do it very slowly, and while talking to her, she comes to understand that she cant have what she wants and she will throw her arms out and kick her feet and scream/squeal. If I pick her up and she doesnt want to be picked up, she flails her ams and legs and it HURTS.She poked me in the eye yesterday.

Yesterday was the first time it happened in public and I seriously had probably 15 people loooking at me like I was the worlds worst mother because my baby was screaming as though she was being pinched or something. Nothing was poking her, she wasnt tired, she wasnt hungry, she didnt want me to hold her, she didnt want down, she didnt want anything that I could give her. So, I sat on a bench and tried to nurse her and she bit me!   I I IIIlasdhlksahfskj

So I bought a book, Positive Disipline for ages 1-3. I read through some of it and took it back. I personally, cant trust or respect any author that encourages CIO, so I need some recs for books for little ones. There are tons of Gentle Disipline books for toddlers, preschoolers, and children, but I cant seem to find anything for babies. I just dont know what to do when she does this. I go back and forth between picking her up and holding her close to sitting her on the floor and letting her flail about while telling her she is going to be okay and shhhing her and trying to redirect her attention.

I totally thought kids didnt do this for at least several more months.

[thedenverduo]

I don't have any baby specific book rec's but my ds did and sometimes still does the same thing.  He has banged his head pretty hard a couple times flailing because he wants something he can't have.  I just took it as a cue that he needed extra help and attention to move on.  So I would hold him until he calmed down and then get him interested in something else.  I also try really hard not to just say no to him.  Like I'll say "We're not having cookies right now, I'm making macaroni and cheese, would you like to help?"  instead of just saying no cookies.

Does your dd know any sign language?  Sign language has been a life saver for us and really reduced the amount of tears and tantrums.  It was so frustrating for both of us to not be able to communicate what he wanted.  11 months is a great age to start signing!

[Adaline'sMama]

Thanks! DD knows "milk" and "more" as far as signing goes, even though we reguarly use about 10 more signs. She is starting to talk, and can say no and will whine "mamamamammamamamamama" over and over and over again. The flailing has just started within the past couple of days.

[luv my 2 sweeties]

With most kids, you *would* have a bit longer before this shows up, but some children do start tantruming early.  (Lucky you!)   My middle ds had his first tantrum when he was 10 or 11 months old.  He had pulled up on my legs in the kitchen and wanted something that I couldn't give him right that minute.  (I forget what it was, but it may have been that he wanted to be picked up, but my hands were covered in chicken juice or something.  That used to happen all the time with him.)  I probably said something along the lines of "Just a minute, Sweetie" and he fell to the floor screaming and crying.  I freaked out, thinking he had fallen and was hurt.  But no, it was his first tantrum!   I had the same reaction as you:  "Seriously??" 

Anyway, it was only the beginning.  I generally took the approach of sitting on the floor and letting the tantrum play out.  I don't believe it's necessary to try to stop the tantrum or shush or calm her.  Just be present in as calm and centered a way as you can be.  This old Mothering article is the best advice I've read about tantrums -- book or magazine.  It got us through *a lot* of tantrums -- some very long and harrowing -- for many years.  (Most of the examples are toddlers or older, but the basic principle would apply to 1 year old as well.)  We have now come out the other side and have an 8 year old boy who, while he is still easily frustrated and a little volatile, is mostly able to control his actions when he is angry.  I think the advice in this article was tremendously helpful in leading us to this point.  Some kids just have a hard time with the really strong emotions and it takes them years to get their reactions under control.  If your dd is one of those, gird yourself for the long haul!  There is no magic parental response that can circumvent the process of her maturing into the more difficult challenges of her personality.  But your response *can* help her feel safe and loved as she travels that path.

FWIW, there is a silver lining to a child who throws lots of tantrums.  (Or at least that's been my experience with my ds.)  I notice that he has BIG emotions in every direction.  So while he can get *very* angry, he also gets *super* excited, feels *extra* loving, gets *really* down about disappointments, etc.  Life is a bit of a roller coaster for him, but it makes his personality really strong and attractive to others.  He's a fun guy to be around!  (Well, unless he's mad.  ) 

[GoBecGo]

Urgh, you aren't alone.  My 9mo has been doing this for over 2 months.  Her favourite is to scream and jerk her head back over and over, hitting it on nearby things/floors/my face...  DD1 began tantrums "early" at 15 months...DD2 began at 6months!