Almost 17-month-old hitting.... ARRRGH!!!

[MayasMama88]

Hello all, my name is Lindsay and I'm the joyful mama to almost 17-month-old daughter Maya. For the most part, she is fairly easy to deal with (aside from the usual challenges), but about a week ago she started kicking and hitting. She does it when I change her diaper, when she gets angry, when we tell her not to do something... She hits herself too! She'll smack herself in the head or face when she gets frustrated. I always said I would never spank my child(ren), and I haven't actually spanked her, but admittedly I slapped her hand a couple of times. Not really hard, but I was so frustrated with her hitting me (on top of other things that have been adding to the stress) that I did it. It sort of phased her for a moment, but it didn't keep her from doing it again. When she hits, I've tried holding her hands and sternly saying "No, Maya. We don't hit, that's not nice and it hurts people." I've also said, "Hands are for doing nice things like hugging, or caressing, or for sharing.." None of it seems to work. Then I just get angry and raise my voice, or I scoop her up off the couch (if she's sitting up there with me and/or DH) and plop her down on the floor and say something to the effect of "I don't want you near me if you're going to hit me." I don't like to say things like that. She's my daughter and I love her incredibly, but honestly I don't know what I'm doing!! I don't know how to gently get her not to hit and kick. So if any of you experienced mamas here have any suggestions, PLEASE fill me in! I'm so desperate to find a peaceful alternative to how I've been handling things. Thank you in advance.

[BellyBean]

I have a 16 month old that has started throwing things (toys) and pinching really hard.  I have tried the same things, but haven't been able to change the behavior.  My newest method is just commenting that the action hurt mommy and wasn't very nice, then quickly to a different activity.  Not really sure if it is working...

I'd also love to hear what some experts have to say!! 

[MayasMama88]

Grr, it's so frustrating! It seems like she's been doing it a little less the past couple of days. I usually try to do what you do and quickly avert her attention to something else (after taking her hands and telling her that hitting isn't nice and it hurts). Also, when I go to change her diapers and she starts kicking her legs out at me, and gently take her feet and I say, "Caaaaalllllmmmmm." And it's so funny because she'll stop to focus on the word and then she'll repeat it back! It usually works long enough for me to change her diaper, put her pants back on, and get her sitting up and/or off the couch so she simply can't kick me anymore. Toddlers. What a friggin' trip, lol!

[TexasMommaDi]

Originally Posted by MayasMama88 

She does it when I change her diaper, when she gets angry, when we tell her not to do something... She hits herself too! She'll smack herself in the head or face when she gets frustrated.

Sounds like she is learning how to express frustration! Some of the best ways I've found to handle toddlers in these situations:

For diaper changing...tell her it's time for a new diaper & have her help you pick out her new diaper (works great if you use cloth & she has different colors to choose from!) and ask if she would like to be changed lying down or standing up (obviously tricky for poopy diapers, but it can be done!) Then sing her a silly song while you change her! If you don't know one, make one up! My toddlers all loved my old school MC Hammer "Diaper Time".

When she is angry...can you see triggers for her anger? Avoiding triggers & frustrations as much as possible helps. If you know she will go into the pantry & pull out a package of something she can't have & scream & hit when you take it away (common situation in our house!) 1. keep the pantry door shut 2. Give her words "Oh, would you like to have a bowl of cereal? Maya can hold the bowl & mommy will pour." or if she absolutely cannot have what she grabbed 3. "Maya must be hungry! Can you help mommy put the bag of flour back & then we will get Maya a banana!" Whatever you do, don't grab what she is holding & tell her "NO" unless it is dangerous or you are ready for a battle!

Basically, setting up a "yes" environment helps to avoid those frustration triggers from being told "NO."

When my toddler is angry and hits me, I give her a sad face & tell her "Hitting hurts mommy! Please touch me nice!" and she usually give me a hug right after. Toddlers are sensitive little people, so making sure they understand, by your expression & words, that what they are doing makes you sad/angry they will usually respond sympathetically. If She is REALLY upset & can't listen to your words at that moment, it is perfectly fine to gently hold her & tell her "Mommy is here. I won't let you hurt yourself or anyone else." She may resist, but if you release her & she continues to hit, just try again.

Good luck! Toddlers can be frustrating, but 3-4 year olds are much more difficult!

Diane

mom to 4

[Mi_LuBelle]

My DS is just about 16 m and is doing the same thing. Kicking, arching, starting to hit and pinch. Most is from frustration, the other is mostly when she's teething from what I've noticed.

So far I've gone over "nice touch" and hitting/pinching/etc is not nice. I asked her to show me how to touch nice and she did. So, after that when she hits, kicks, etc. I say with a "not happy" face, "That is not a nice touch, can you show me a nice touch?" If that doesn't work I get a really surprised look - make a noise/sound - something to distract her and try and get her interested in something else. This is of course during the day. If it's at night and I'm trying to put her to bed and she doesn't want to - she'll pinch or hit - and I simply put my hand over hers without saying anything.

That's all I've got right now for dealing with those behaviors. I'm not really sure what else to do either I guess.

[MayasMama88]

Well, if it's any consolation to all you mamas dealing with the same thing, it seems to be getting a lot better! She still hits herself on the head once in awhile if she gets really frustrated, but as far as hitting US, she has definitely toned it down. I think just being persistent in telling our LOs that certain behaviors are not acceptable (and explaining why), and showing them a better way to get their feelings out is probably our best bet. It must be hard to be so little and have such a limited vocabulary and have to learn everything new when we already know better. Thank god there are forums like these where we can all come and get some support, huh? ;)