previous premie- getting scared

[slippy]

My daughter was born at 34 weeks. I got off pretty easy with the whole thing, and came to peace with my experience- hospital induction instead of home waterbirth, and really found the strenght in how it all went down. She spent (only) a week in nicu, and we worked pretty hard at breastfeeding. The whole thing was a lot of hard work and stress. I know that i can do it, and i do feel like the whole thing made me stronger.

Now i'm 23 weeks with baby 2 and I'm really surprised at how i'm feeling. After infertility, fertility treatments and miscarriages, I was so scared that I wouldn't get pregnant again, then I was scared that I would loose the baby, and now- when i thought i cound finally relax about it, I'm scared about having a premie again. I'm scared that it will be worse than last time, baby will be earlier, sicker, have long term issues, and the work- It was such hard work and total devotion for my daughter, I don't know how i could give this baby the same amount of work and still mother my daughter, and then i have guilt because how can i think of not giving this new baby the same attention that i gave my daughter.

I'm not really at any higher risk to have an early baby becasue it was because my water just broke early- no early labour. I know the stress isn't good for me, and day to day, i'm doing alright with it, i'm just surprised that this is comming up now, think i just needed to get it off my chest. not sure how I can process this. I feel really good about labour, i'm not afraid of that, it's just the potential of what can go wrong that is eating me. 

[MeepyCat]

Have you considered asking your OB for a referral to a social worker or therapist about this one?  It's a tough one to face, and it *is*, absolutely, frightening.  But talking it out with someone calm can really help.

My DD was born at 32 weeks when my DS was 2.5.  Balancing their needs was a challenge.  I wasn't employed at the time, but we were able to keep DS in daycare/preschool, and I could spend days at the NICU.  On weekends, DS saw a lot of his grandparents and godparents.  We worked very hard to maintain routines for him - waking up, breakfast, dinner, bedtime - and to be available to snuggle.  We had been working on potty training and we utterly abandoned the effort because DS was under so much stress already.

However hard we tried, we couldn't stop our older child's life from being changed.  The next baby always displaces the previous baby at least a little.  Parental time and energy and attention get reapportioned, no matter what.  And the second baby never gets quite as much as the first, in terms of energy and attention, because they aren't ever the only child in your care.  We wind up juggling - missing morning care time at the NICU because of a meltdown at daycare drop off, heading back to the hospital after putting the kid to bed, pumping milk while on the phone with the school, the insurance company and the pediatrician.

For us, the things that most eased the transition from parenting one child to parenting two were getting help and going easy.  The more people useful people you have around (ideally, people your underfoot kid is familiar and comfortable with), the better.  And the arrival of your second child is the perfect time to take it easy -  cuddle in bed in the mornings, pile up cushions on the living room floor and picnic on french fries and mac and cheese, snuggle a toddler under your left arm while you hold a nursing babe in your right.  Sometimes it will be chaotic, but you will get through.

[lunarlady]

I don't know if this will help at all, but here is what I notice. With the first child, most of us go bouncing happily along. In awe of the life growing inside us, researching babies and birth, having baby showers, registering for tons of stuff we don't really need...all in all we are so wrapped in the process that we don't worry too much.

Then birth happens and we are humbled. Our lives shift in ways we never imagined. Birth is hard. Parenting is hard. We struggle, love, laugh and cry. Everything in our lives is reprioritized, baby proofed, reconsidered and revalued. Our lives basically turn upside down. Of course we love it, but it is disorienting.

Then comes #2. Our lives changed so much with 1 that we can't help but worry about what will happen with 2. Of course, that is too big a worry to dwell on, so our mind kicks up lots of other perfectly rational worries for us to dwell on. Like "what if this birth goes wrong?". "what if this one comes early/has problems/is sick?". "what if #1 resents #2?". "what if there isn't room in my heart/house/budget for another child?" Of course they are usually things out of our control, and therefore good fodder for mental gymnastics.

I honestly have yet to meet a second time mom who wasn't worried about something out of their control. And all those babies came at reasonable times and are cute as buttons. Mommy stress didn't affect them at all. In your case it sounds like you are coping well with your worries. So just keep trying to relax and hopefully this on will bake the full 40.