HOW do I get away from threatening, shaming, and bribing?

[StoriesInTheSoil]

I found out I was pregnant with DD when DS was 18 months old and still "easy."  I then had an insane, horrible pregnancy for any number of reasons and I still feel like a crappy mom for basically using TV as babysitting almost every day for at least an hour or two for much of my pregnancy and since DD was born and for generally trying to ignore DS a lot of the time.  I feel like I don't have ANY energy to expend on problem solving or any sort of really in-depth parenting- I just do my best to keep the kids clean and fed and safe and relatively happy.

DS is not an out of control toddler- I've seen FAR worse behavior.  He is having a pretty average 2.5 year old phase.  He is a generally *very* intense kid though and when he feels something, he feels it BIG (I'm this way too!)  

The problem isn't really him, it's me.  He's a toddler, he can't really be expected to do a whole lot to modify his behavior.  I, on the other hand, need a serious turnaround from what I've been doing which somehow has become saying "no" significantly more than saying "yes,"  threatening time outs or (please don't kick me off the board) threatening spanking, physically pushing him away from me when he gets all over me, yelling, lots of "rules" and attempts at controlling his behavior, lots of stress, etc etc etc.  I also am so upset with myself because I'm SO flip and sarcastic toward and about my kids.  I don't want to be like that and I don't know why I do it!  I am always calling attention to their faults when really they are such great kids and I love them so much.  I feel like I complain about them all the time and I have no idea WHY I do it and I can't make myself stop.  I say mean things TO my DS too and I really want to stop being mean to him.

My sister (age 16) is living with us and has been for about a month.  We now have 5 people (Me, DH, sister, DS, and DD) living in 800 sq.ft. with no privacy, no place to be alone, etc.  It is going *fine* but not *well* and I need to get things under control here.  I need to figure out a concrete way to get on the right track with DS.  My sister is constantly irritated with DS' whining and tantrums and her picking on him out of frustration fuels my bad behavior toward him too right now.

What can I do that I will remember to do and that will work so that I can stop yelling, threatening, shaming, and being mean to my kid?  I'm sad that it's come to this :(

[NellieKatz]

It sounds like you have some challenging circumstances there. The way I stay "on track" with the best parenting I can do is two things:

1) remember that if I DON'T get it together, we're just going to have more problems and worse behavior down the road. I am deathly afraid of having an out-of-control teenager who hates me, who doesn't help around the house or even know how to do things he'll need in life, etc. So it's a real strong motivator for me.

2) find a really good parenting book and start soaking it up. The one that I've been reading the past few weeks because we, too, were having a lot of problems is called "Kids Are Worth It" by Barbara Coloroso. The other good one that everyone recommends is "How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen & Listen So Your Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish.

[mamatoElias]

  I don't feel qualified to give much advice, but I didn't want to read without commenting.  My older two children are similarly spaced and I also had some trouble handling my older son's challenging behavior when my younger son was a newborn.  I can remember being so frustrated with my older son's behavior.  He, like your son, was (and still is) a very intense kiddo.  It is one of the things I love about him, but I was overwhelmed at the time.  When I look back at pictures now, I realize that my older son was really still a baby himself and needed his mama.  Having a newborn in the house didn't change that.  Your little one has probably had his world turned upside when his little sister was born.  Can you change your perspective a bit and think of yourself as having two babies who both need you?  I think that would've been helpful to me.

Also, do you have any help/ support?  Can you have someone watch the baby so you can get some quality time with your DS?  I think it might be beneficial to both you and your son to have time to just focus on him.  Even if its just a half hour or so a couple times a week.  

You just sound really overwhelmed.  Please don't be too hard on yourself.  Do your DH and sister help around the house and with the kids?  If not, perhaps you could make some changes there so you have a little less on your plate.  Hopefully some of the other mamas on here will have some suggestions for how to implement some changes in your discipline.  I think you've already taken the first step by admitting that the way you're disciplining now is not okay and needs to change.  

[NellieKatz]

Oh, and when I read the title of your post it made me think of an article, or should I say a blog, that appeared in my local online paper the other day. About shaming kids.

http://cf.telegram.com/massmoms/massmoms_blogs.cfm?record_id=656788

[Tigerchild]

I think that, realistically, you are going to be running at a deficit unless you figure out SOME way to get some recharge time for yourself (even if it's just 30 minutes twice a week).

I don't think it is realistic to expect that you will be able to be in top parenting form (no matter how many parenting books you read) when you are under that kind of personal and environmental stress.

So.  I think the first step is to take a step back.  You beating up on yourself for not being perfect and following the nice parenting directives you see in books and on MDC is only feeding the cycle of negativity.  Forgive yourself.  Acknowledge that while you are crammed together and are physically and emotional exhausted that you will not always make the perfect choices, you're going to try your best, and forgive yourself if it doesn't meet your most perfect standard.  i think most moms need to come to that point at some point in parenting (the forgiving yourself and being okay with doing the best that you can in the circumstance).  I had twins 17 months after my firstborn, during a time when DH was working for a startup that was routinely not paying him for 6 months at a time, while dealing with chronic pain.  When I was not taking care of myself and beating myself up and throwing a temper tantrum because This Is Not What I Thought It Was Going to Be Like, i often zeroed in on parenting guilt.  But the thing is, I couldn't really make improvements until I was able to breathe.  Which for me was chilling out floating in a therapy pool at the local acquatics center for 45 mins once a week while my kids were in the daycare center or with hubby.  Later it was grocery shopping by myself once a week in the evenings.  I had to ignore all the voices in my head screeching that only crappy mommies put their kids in a gym daycare for half an hour or need some thinking/zoning out time.  realistically when you've got a bunch of little kids, you're not going to have an hour to yourself every day unless you're very unusual.

But while i have nothing against looking at websites or listening to parenting seminars or reading books (i did and enjoyed and got value from all of those things), i think unless you figure out something to take some of the stress off of you for at least 30 minutes once per week, it's not going to be helpful, because if your body is constantly stressed and running on adrenaline, those things are not going to sink in anyway.

you are going to need to find some way to think and strategize when you're not flying in the middle of it all.  I know once i had some breathing room, I was able to deal with things a lot less reactively, and also got in to the practice of self-forgiveness.

[NellieKatz]

Yes, I want to echo this last post. The parenting books are only good if you're in a place where you can "hear" what they have to say. If you are in the sort of emotional place where all they do is make you feel inadequate, then the advice to first forgive yourself is KEY. And also, she's right about needing to get some "breathing room" because when someone's under stress it's just so hard to think constructively about anything.

[lookatreestar]

i don't have a ton of advice but it will get easier. i got pregnant with my ds when dd was 17 months so i worked and i used tv as a babysitter (also FIL was around to keep an eye on her if i napped a little). it was SO hard. then he was born and it was even harder. and honestly it didn't get easier for me until 6 mos + then by a year it was pretty decent, now that he is almost 2 we are hitting our stride and having so much fun most days. i am not good at multitasking and having two kids is HARD for me. then having someone else add to the fire (teenager) instead of helping is awful. when i am being insane like being mean to a 2 year old i want someone to step in and say "hey, okay i know you are angry but just take a break i will keep an eye on him/her" instead of "yeah he is a jerk for hitting the baby, he deserves a spanking/time out" kwim? and sometimes small spaces make everyone crazy, or even just having someone around all the time (we lived with MIL and his brothers gf 16 yrs old) where you don't want to have to parent in front of someone. i dunno its hard to explain but i for sure need my space.

anyway, it will get better if you want to chat or vent, pm me! i am trying to think of helpful books that maybe you could just pick some phrases from and write them on the wall so you can see them when things get rough? easy to love difficult to discipline is a good one.

[frugalmum]

Can your sister help out?  I was only able to break out of the TV as babysitter habit once I finally got some help.  I pay my oldest daughter to do mother's helper stuff for me, like babysitting, giving baths, reading books, picking up toys.  It gives me the space and time I need to regroup so I can be more present and productive.

[ssh]

Two thing to remember are your 2 year old doesn't have any self control yet and won't until sometime between 3 and 5, and he's still very much a baby. Tantrums are how toddlers learn to deal with big emotions. You want your DS to learn to deal with big emotions in a healthy way because tantrums are easier when it's a small child throwing them than when it's an adult. You said your DS was very intense. I found Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Kurcinka very useful. Her Kids Parents and Power Struggles is good too. Both books have sections on  identifying temperament traits. The first book is more about understanding your child's temperament and avoiding and dealing with behaviors caused by temperament. The second book is about dealing with the emotion causing the misbehavior instead of just dealing with the behavior. My library had both books. My DD's worst age for having tantrums and intense sometimes annoying behavior was 2.5. For some kids age 3 or 4 is worse.

I do know I wouldn't tolerate a teenager, child or adult picking on my toddler. If your sister's annoyed she needs to just deal with it. Toddlers are noisy, intense, whiny, messy very busy little people with no impulse control at all. They have no concept of time and live very much in the moment so "no" often feels like "never". The world is a very intense, exciting, stressful place for them.  A lot of their perfectly normal age appropriate behavior is annoying to some people. It's not fair to your son for someone to pick on him for being a normal 2 year old. If someone was rude to my kid for behavior she couldn't help I'd be angry at that person not my child. I might be doing some threatening, but hopefully not yelling, to that person. A good book on neurological development is The Science of Parenting By Margot Sunderland. It's really useful for understanding behavior from a developmental point of view. It's main focus is how our parenting influences our childs neurological development.

[Minalas]

You are an amazingly insightful person, with all the stress you have, you still are able to see the source of the problem, instead of just complaining about your son. That is an excellent start on the way to get better.
With the new baby, you must be pretty exhausted right now. Make sure you get your own physical needs met, then you'll be stronger to deal with the rest. When DS goes down for a nap, you and baby should do the same. Snuggle up all together in the same bed and rest. When you are breastfeeding DD use the time to read a book with DS. Also, make it your habit to go out for a walk once a day. Fresh air and a bit of movement can do wonders to one's inner calm - it never fails to work for me.
If you haven't done so already, make sure your sister and DH do a fair amount of the household chores. Just caring for your children is a fulltime job, so get rest of the family to understand that you can't be the live-in cleaning woman as well.

[mary934]

Hi,

I think you have to lower the rope both for the expectations you have on yourself and for your kid , relax the atmosphere , more dance and music, connecting with him.

Try to give him 100% attention and speak softly but intently to him.  If we first enter his world , get him to agree to something you say which shows your understanding he will be able connect and then collaborate with you. It is not easy

Mary

[LadyCatherine185]

wow..i could have written this. i am in the same boat mama... ((hugs))

[StoriesInTheSoil]

Thank you for all the supportive responses!  DH and my sister are great about helping when asked and my sister actually completely independently took over doing all the dishes!  Finding private time for myself is still an ongoing issue, I'm working on it.  If we weren't in such a small house, it would probably feel less stressful.  I do honestly love having my sister here though and she and DS have fallen into more of a comfortable relationship (they have always absolutely loved each other though!) in that he has started to respect her as a grown-up and listen to her and she has started to get used to his toddler behaviors day in and day out and she is able to put on her headphones and work on her computer and zone out.  

A few people suggested outdoor time/walks which is something that ALWAYS helps me feel better but my DD hates being in any sling and hates being in the stroller so it's hard right now to do.  As it gets warmer, I'm trying to do frequent trips to the playground so DS can run around.  He is literally a different child when he has been able to run around outside for a few hours.  He is also going twice a week swimming lessons at the YMCA with my DH and he loves that and I think it's really good for him.

Anyway, I definitely need some more strategies but when I can keep my stress level low, I am able to abide by my standards of gentle discipline most of the time so right now I am going to work on keeping myself from getting overly stressed.

Thanks again for the support. 

[ssh]

Maybe your DD will like being an a backpack, when she's able to sit alone well.

[justKate]

There's so much on your plate!  I'd say start small.  When I catch myself doing something I don't like, I resign not to do that one thing for the rest of the day.  Even if it's just not to use my "exhasberated voice" for the rest of the day.  It will get better mama!