This is SO not unusual and please don’t feel bad!!!
When I was pregnant with my second, despite getting to know him very well and connecting in amazing ways that still blow my mind, I used to have these doubts that I could ever love him as much as I love my daughter. It was an incredibly guilty feeling. In fact, before he was born, I cried for my daughter no longer being the center of attention anymore. Some of that was probably hormonal, but in any case, it was all an illusion (like most of our fears)! I loved him more than I could have known and all the connection we had in utero was multiplied with the understanding of him in the world. He was no longer an idea, he had a place here, as if he always had. And that wasn’t sad, not for any of us.
Now with this baby, whom I call the “mystery baby”, I have had a hard time connecting. It’s like I just can’t figure them out… None of the major “signs” that were obvious of who he/she is, like with my others. Even naming has been harder (names come to me like their personalities do, but finalizing this one has been far more challenging). I would have felt bad but I have come to realize something. First, I know that I have enough love to love them all for who they are separately, and without favoritism (#2 taught me that). They each bring their different gifts, it’s just a matter of when we discover them. Just because I haven’t discovered them in this one yet in a very conscious way doesn’t mean a thing. It will come in its own time.
Two-- and this is the big one-- part of how things unfold or how they reveal themselves to you is part of their personality and their story. It’s all happening this way for a reason, even if we can’t see why. For example, my “mystery baby”, who I love despite not fully understanding him/her like the others… IS a mystery. I’m not supposed to find those things to know in order to forge a connection-- the mystery IS part of what I need to love. It’s who they are. They’re tricky! And it’s beautiful.
Your feeling of a lack of connection could just be that surprise or mystery. Your little stranger may be just that, and that may be part of his/her beauty in this story of your lives, part of their gift to you. Don’t be discouraged by it-- embrace it! And in time, some of those secrets of who they are will be revealed to you, you will learn them, and maybe you’ll laugh about it. It is funny, how they can trick you, isn’t it? With this understanding I feel myself connecting with my mystery baby over the mystery itself. I have this suspicion inside that I might be overcome by emotion at their birth, because I cannot at this time comprehend the true impact of what they will mean to me. The others, I knew them, I was prepared… this time, I’ll be caught off guard by them somewhat. Isn’t that nice? That’s a great thing.
And, although I know you and I are different people, I don’t think it’s the “whoops” factor. I felt closest of all to my “whoops” during pregnancy, and it’s the planned ones that have been throwing me the curve balls. In any case, I bet it resolves itself when the baby comes, at least. :)
