How can I handle this in a self-respecting way?

[ArtsyHeartsy]

Hello all...this may sound slightly petty but I am trying to figure out how to handle this situation in a way that is respectful to myself.

My SIL asks me for advice ALL. THE. TIME.  I have spent a lot of  time and energy trying to help her.  She rarely takes my advice, which is fine, but asks for it over and over again.  It's gotten to the point that she only talks to me when she wants advice or childcare.  This has been very hurtful to me because when she moved here my other SIL and her started hanging out and doing all the things we did (we used to be best friends)...and I am not invited.  It's really hard because I have no family here, they are all in another state.  I've even said something about it to SIL1 and she continues to do it.  My kids see pics of all the cousins hanging out and ask why we weren't there.

Just a little background: SIL adopted both of her kids, one while married and the other while single, the older goes to her dad's every other weekend and much of the summer.  SIL has not been truly single since the breakup (boyfriends)...

So, once again she emailed me and asked me about her daughter's behavior (she's 6 and wetting herself), she has asked me about this many times and I have given her my opinions and so on.  (I usually tell her she needs more attention because I really, really think she does but also that my dd does it too just because she doesn't want to stop playing, so it may be nothing) Since the last time she asked I have noticed a few things.  One was that her son (who spends most of his time with grandparents) is being spanked and treated roughly by his grandma (who I don't totally blame, but believe is really at her wit's end because of all the responsibility that she has because of SIL1 leaving him there all the time and she works about 50 hours a week on top of that)....also I saw SIL's boyfriend yelling in my nephew's face (he's 4) while he was just crying and trying to explain what was going on.  my husband and I were shocked by this, and saddened for my nephew, I did not say anything to SIL because a)she was sitting there and b) she's extremely defensive. 

So, when she said she thought that her dd was having emotional problems (and she may want to get her counseling) I brought these two issues up saying that I believe that without knowing her dd's history before the adoption,  this kind of treatment around her/to her could cause emotional issues my niece won't even understand, it may not but it's worth thinking about.  I told her very carefully and also said I am not commenting on her decision to spank (though she knows I am against it) but that this could be an issue if she feels that she is having emotional problems.

So she ignored me for two weeks and sent me an email completely attacking me saying that I am judgmental etc.  She was very rude and seemed to only read a line or two of my email. I also found out that in the midst of all this she told my other SIL that I talk bad about her husband all the time, which is untrue, the last time anything was said about him it was SIL who said it...and that was months ago.

I was SO careful not to get into it with her, I would have never said anything about this stuff before, minding my own business, but SHE ASKED ME for my opinion, then attacked me when it wasn't what she wants to hear.  (I think she wants me to either tell her she's a perfect mom or that it's all her dd's dad's fault)  I did not deserve to be attacked like this and I am tired of her asking me for opinions and help all the time...but when she does something fun she seems to forget about me and my kids. 

I feel so disrespected and used. like she really thinks I am so asinine.  The problem is I really love her kids and know they need us I take care of them and help her as much as I can.  I don't think I can do that anymore.

How should I handle this?  I really want to do what I will be proud of in the future and what will show that I deserve to be respected.  So far I have just avoided her (which didn't stop her from asking us to watch her son so she could go get waxed)...  Any time anyone in the family says anything slightly critical to her she flips out and attacks...and never admits any wrong doing.

I'm just not sure what the best way is in this situation.  I want to grow as a person, even if she doesn't...so I want to tell her how I feel even though I know it won't help our relationship I think I might feel better. After her obviously negative opinion of me I don't think we even have one anyway.

Thank you for reading all of this if you have gotten this far.  Any help will be GREATLY appreciated!

[journeymom]

You need to disengage.  She sounds pretty immature. I say this as gently as possible, your post sounds like you are totally wound up with your SIL.  It seems that your SILs are your closest friends and comrades, understandably, and so I understand how this could be difficult.

For what it's worth I think that if you can take a step back and not be so heavily invested in this one SIL and her children, you can cultivate a different, maybe not so close relationship that will be a whole lot less painful. 

I want to grow as a person, even if she doesn't...so I want to tell her how I feel even though I know it won't help our relationship I think I might feel better.  

I totally support your desire to grow as a person, and I don't understand what that has to do with your SIL.  I mean, I do understand.  But hopefully your efforts to grow are pretty broad, and not focused only on your relationship with your SIL. 

So far I have just avoided her (which didn't stop her from asking us to watch her son so she could go get waxed)... 

So did you watch her son or not?

[ArtsyHeartsy]

Yes, I totally agree with you, and I have worked a lot on disengaging.  I had to do that with my other SIL, and it has helped a ton, she saw what she was doing and we have worked past it in a very mature and open way.   I'm not really good friends with this one though...she's not really a friend at all, I do care a lot about her kids and feel very bad for them.  We all live very close to each other and our kids go to the same school, so we see each other a ton.  I try to get some distance to avoid this kind of stuff though. 

As far as my growth comment, I didn't mean that I need her to help me grow, I just think that when you deal with any issues and/or difficult people and handle it in a self-respecting manner you grow, I try to find any conflict as an opportunity to grow.  It does sound pretty funny if read that way....she isn't THAT important! lol  I certainly don't use her to help me grow, I just want to do what is right in this situation to facilitate growth on my own.  Does that make sense?  I hope so! :0)

And yes, very good question, we did watch my nephew.  I will blame that on my husband though, she asked him, I wasn't even aware of it happening until he was on his way over.  He has a soft spot for him because he wants to be a positive male role model for him and let his (dh's) mom off the hook a little so she can relax.  NOT our responsibility, we both realize, but we do give in sometimes.  (he had no idea why she needed someone to watch him)

Thank you for your response.  I totally agree with you and I really do want to work on this.  I am just not sure if I should respond to her or just take action on my own without talking to her...maybe she will get the hint?  I want to just say something to her about her asking for something then attacking me and let her know it won't happen anymore, I will not allow her to treat me that way...something like that.  Next time she asks for advice (soon I'm sure) I think I will just have to say "I don't know" and leave it at that.

[Adaline'sMama]

I think you need to have a sit down with SIL # 2 and talk to her about the rumor that you have been talking badly about her husband. That could really cause some huge issues and cause them to team up on you. It is likely that SIL # 2 knows that her sister is not taking responsibility for her children and she may have some of her own opinions about her sister's situation. You may find that she is on your side about the advice you gave SIL # 1. I would disengage with SIL # 1. I would probably respond to her email and tell her that you are sorry if you offended her, but that she did ask for your advice. I would advise that you tell her that the two of you should just agree to disagree about the current situation and hopefully you will be able to move on in your relationship aimably. If she asks for advice again, I would tell her that you dont feel comfortable discussing her private matters.